fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I've been exchanging messages with a woman from a dating site. She and I have some things in common (a lot of things that are important to me in fact). But I have a feeling things won't go very far between us. We haven't even agreed to a date yet, so perhaps I'm being premature, but it's kind of a general question too. I just feel like I'm 25, she's 28. She's a lawyer with lots of professional experience. Iv'e got a BA with practically no professional experience. I don't know her living situation, but I'm willing to bet she doesn't live at home and share a room with a sibling. She's traveled a lot, I've never gone outside the US (not even to Canada), even though I would love to at some point. Whatever we might have in common, I think these factors will overtake everything. I know not all dates lead to relationships, and that's fine. But do people go on dates that they already know won't go anywhere? A date would be a wonderful experience for me, I just don't want to totally embarrass myself. Any thoughts?
MidwestUSA Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Practice, practice, practice. I had no choice but to do it after the end of a 20 year relationship/marriage.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Practice, practice, practice. I had no choice but to do it after the end of a 20 year relationship/marriage. Yeah that's what I'm thinking. I just don't want to her to feel like I'm wasting her time, you know?
normal person Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I know not all dates lead to relationships, and that's fine. But do people go on dates that they already know won't go anywhere? A date would be a wonderful experience for me, I just don't want to totally embarrass myself. Any thoughts? I think you can at least give her and yourself the benefit of the doubt. You might like each other even if you're in different spots in life. You won't actually know until you interact in person. However if you have some pervasive fear that she's "better" than you, it's probably a shot to the foot anyways because then your insecurity will be apparent and she won't like you for that. If you can overcome this notion and go in with an open mind, I don't see anything wrong with meeting her in person. However if you go in with the mentality that it won't work and that you're wasting her time, you actually will be wasting her time. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I'd say take some of the pressure off yourself and just see if either one of you is interested in the other, I don't see any harm in that. But certainly don't go "just for the experience."
MidwestUSA Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yeah that's what I'm thinking. I just don't want to her to feel like I'm wasting her time, you know? Good point. I had good intentions with practice dates, and hope. Finally realized 9 out of 10 were going nowhere. If you know going in it's "practice" she might pick up on it. But, why not go with the intent of having a good time? How are you sure things will go nowhere?
normal person Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) The concept of doing it for "practice" seems a little off base to me. People tend to like each other because of attraction and compatibility, not necessarily because they're "good at dating" or well versed in etiquette. If someone likes you enough, I think they'll be willing to overlook the awkwardness of deciding who pays and things like that. That's just going through the motions. Edited March 22, 2013 by normal person
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 The notion of doing it for "practice" seems a little off base to me. People tend to like each other because of attraction and compatibility, not necessarily because they're "good at dating" or well versed in etiquette. If someone likes you enough, I think they'll be willing to overlook the awkwardness of deciding who pays and things like that. That's just going through the motions. Well, thus far, I would not be opposed to dating her. I like accomplished women, and I like to travel and all of that stuff which is what attracted me to her in the first place. I just have a paranoia or a complex I guess about not being accomplished enough in her eyes you know? As far as "practice" goes, it would be nice to go on a date since I haven't been on one in over two years. But that's not my primary motivation. I want to get into a relationship. I just don't want to let anyone down that I'm not up to their standard.
MidwestUSA Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Well, thus far, I would not be opposed to dating her. I like accomplished women, and I like to travel and all of that stuff which is what attracted me to her in the first place. I just have a paranoia or a complex I guess about not being accomplished enough in her eyes you know? As far as "practice" goes, it would be nice to go on a date since I haven't been on one in over two years. But that's not my primary motivation. I want to get into a relationship. I just don't want to let anyone down that I'm not up to their standard. I would go. And try to put those differences out of your mind because, right now that's where they are. In your mind. Focus on what you have in common, not what you don't. She may really be down to earth. Get rid of the crazy notion of "standards" . As for my comment about "practice", I take it back. Not a good idea when you, and the people you are involving, are seriously looking. In my case, it became apparent that everyone was doing the same thing. Doesn't justify it (well, maybe a little ). I've sworn I'm going to write a book about it someday!
normal person Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I just don't want to let anyone down that I'm not up to their standard. I'm sure you've got a lot of things to offer. When two strangers meet up after having met through OLD, they're both very aware of the risk of there being no chemistry, different values, different standards, etc. Like I said, you're both giving each other the benefit of the doubt that you don't know each other that well yet. She's a smart girl, she's hopefully accepting of the risk of being let down or having her time wasted as should you. In the event that she doesn't like you, it's not cause for her to be let down because going in she knows there's a good possibility of that happening when a meeting stranger. It's proportional risk/reward. And you could just as easily not be interested in her. She's a lawyer, she's hopefully smart enough to realize that. 1
Els Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 If you've been up front about your personal details, and she still wants to meet you, I really think you should go.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 If you've been up front about your personal details, and she still wants to meet you, I really think you should go. I haven't mentioned them at all. She didn't ask and I didn't say. I just struck up a conversation based on something she mentioned on her profile (a writer whose work I also read) and the messages went from there.
Els Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Well, then it's your choice. You could go on the date and risk the 'embarrassment' - which may be a good idea anyway since some practice and RL interaction with women couldn't hurt. But eventually your living or employment situation will have to come out, and yes, there is a risk that she could respond negatively to that. But nothing risked, nothing gained? Alternatively, if you really don't want to take the risk, tell her online about your situation and see what she says. The worst thing you could do would be to turn down the date with no reason given, unless you're not attracted to her.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Well, then it's your choice. You could go on the date and risk the 'embarrassment' - which may be a good idea anyway since some practice and RL interaction with women couldn't hurt. But eventually your living or employment situation will have to come out, and yes, there is a risk that she could respond negatively to that. But nothing risked, nothing gained? Alternatively, if you really don't want to take the risk, tell her online about your situation and see what she says. The worst thing you could do would be to turn down the date with no reason given, unless you're not attracted to her. Yeah, I guess I just wanted to see what some people's thoughts on it were, if they've ever been in a similar situation on either side of it. If it ever got that far, yeah I'd reveal my living situation as it would come up eventually. I'm not sure she even wants to meet up. So we'll see what happens.
carhill Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 But do people go on dates that they already know won't go anywhere? A date would be a wonderful experience for me, I just don't want to totally embarrass myself. Any thoughts? IME, quite common. I used to take offense to <otherwise unknown> women 'using' me for social interactions they knew/suspected wouldn't go anywhere but have changed my perspective over the decades. I now see it as simple social interaction; a pleasant evening/day/trip/whatever. If nothing comes of it, that's OK. Life goes on.
MidwestUSA Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 IME, quite common. I used to take offense to <otherwise unknown> women 'using' me for social interactions they knew/suspected wouldn't go anywhere but have changed my perspective over the decades. I now see it as simple social interaction; a pleasant evening/day/trip/whatever. If nothing comes of it, that's OK. Life goes on. What are you doing tomorrow evening?
Kamille Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I just have a paranoia or a complex I guess about not being accomplished enough in her eyes you know? You can't decide for her what will be important to her. That is out of your control. What you have to decide is whether or not you like her. Would a date help you make a more informed decision about this?
Amelie1980 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yeah that's what I'm thinking. I just don't want to her to feel like I'm wasting her time, you know? You don't know...I felt the same when I met an accountant online who worked in investment banking. Why would he want me...a newly qualified lawyer who lived at home still. The reality was he had lied...he had failed his accountancy exams and was not qualified. the investment bank of which he spoke was an internship as a student. he had a very low level assistant role in his Job. He also couldn't bring himself to leave his parents home.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 You don't know...I felt the same when I met an accountant online who worked in investment banking. Why would he want me...a newly qualified lawyer who lived at home still. The reality was he had lied...he had failed his accountancy exams and was not qualified. the investment bank of which he spoke was an internship as a student. he had a very low level assistant role in his Job. He also couldn't bring himself to leave his parents home. Interesting. I mean yeah she could be exaggerating her accomplishments, but that's usually something I thought men are more likely to do.
Amelie1980 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Interesting. I mean yeah she could be exaggerating her accomplishments, but that's usually something I thought men are more likely to do. What have you told her about yourself?
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 You can't decide for her what will be important to her. That is out of your control. What you have to decide is whether or not you like her. Would a date help you make a more informed decision about this? Yeah I see what you're saying. This isn't only pertaining to the girl in question. It's something I've long been bothered by. Not measuring up (in terms of success, life experiences, etc.) to the kinds of women I'm usually attracted to. Which isn't the whole story here, but kind of. I guess I'm worried that she'll find out this stuff about me and conclude that I'm not really serious. I don't know, maybe I'm jumping the gun a little bit.
Bengal Tiger Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Don't talk yourself out of something that you don't even know for sure yet. Try it, you might be surprised.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 What have you told her about yourself? That I'm an entrepreneur in the multi-media business (podcasts, live streaming videos, recorded videos, writing, etc.). It's true. The company isn't very successful though, which is the problem.
Kamille Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I guess I'm worried that she'll find out this stuff about me and conclude that I'm not really serious. You'de be not really serious about what? Your job? Your desire to travel? This sounds more like you judging yourself than her judging you. And so what if she does reach that conclusion? She has the right to reach her own conclusions. But you're the one who decides whether or not you are serious, not her. You'll be allowed to disagree with her assessment of you. You know yourself way better than someone you've hardly met.
TheGuard13 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Even if you think it's not going to go anywhere, it's still practice and an experience. You can still learn from it.
carhill Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 What are you doing tomorrow evening? Dinner with my best friend and his wife is currently the plan. Perhaps something will come up and they'll cancel. Perhaps another friend will call. Perhaps I'll end up in another state just because. I really don't put a high priority on 'plans' anymore. I noticed that when I was dating during my divorce. I didn't mind if the women canceled. No biggie. Something else to do. There's always something else.
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