spirius Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I was with my girlfriend for nearly two years. After initial trust issues regarding other guys due to her actions, dating sites and just not being up front (including making her best friend cry because he was flirting with a girl - 7 months into the relationship) I stopped being so affectionate and suddenly the table had turned. I wasn't doing this deliberately and felt bad about it. I was trying to get an internet business off the ground in my spare time, working on finishing my PhD thesis and working on my novel. Pretty busy. But I didn't get to do any of it (except typing invoices and maintaining daily sales record - which I insisted on) because of brow beating. Basically I was encouraged to come home, get in bed and watch TV. I decided to get my own space and fight for my time. I remember saying to her, just because I am doing something else doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you. I must always have seem harassed when I came to bed because I felt it. She thus felt unloved, I think. But anyway in July 2012 I started work on my novel and DID manage to get the first draft finished by the end of December. I got most of the writing done while she was at work in the evenings. I had issues with how she would arrive home from work and expect me to turn off whatever I was watching and come to bed (which inevitably meant falling straight to sleep, while she would be up watching things for hours...I manage a mobile tyre fitting company 5.5 days a week and she sits at home all day doing very little. Works as a waitress in evenings some days a week.) I had this constant feeling of loneliness because we would never have deep conversations, barely ever had sex (when we did I would freak out she was pregnant and we'd be trapped). In the latter months I also started to wonder whether I should be moving to where my ex-wife and kids live which is 130 miles away. I have to drive and get them, then drop them off again every other weekend...which is obviously exhausting, kills alot of free time on driving and kills alot of free time with gf. All this and the various things were spinning round my head constantly. I killed the PhD off and ended the internet business, reducing it to just working 7.45 till 5.15pm and wanting to work on my book (which I mainly did when she was out). However if I did anything on the computer she would soon start complaining about being bored etc. When she said she wanted to move closer to work etc, I said I felt this was a step backwards and that we would end up splitting up. This led to us deciding to call it a day. That's what I wanted, right? I started to feel incredibly sad very quickly and told her I would move etc and said there were a few options to keep us going. We met up on Sunday with my kids (bad idea) and feel like she decided on the basis of that awkward cant-say-anything cos the kids are about (likewise with showing how I feel) meeting to call it off. She said she was expecting to feel something but it was just awkward. Of course it was sodding awkward! had to try and make conversation without talking about the elephant in the room. I feel that she was trying to gain a little space Thurs-Sat and I pushed too hard. I was scared that with the space of her own new place and student drinking environment, something would happen quickly to blow it all up. But now, I feel devastated and from the looks of her FB and her lack of any kind of initiating contact, she is happy as Larry. I feel devastated and although this forum and friends has made me strong momentarily every so often, today I am really struggling not to call her and ask for a meeting without the kids etc. Is this even what I really want? I remember feeling like I love her, but not in a passionate way...but right now I would do anything to spend an evening just holding her and rubbing her back and not even considering working on any bloody self-development projects. I literally just want to ditch work, knock on the door and beg beg beg like a little bitch. It probably does not help that tonight is THE night when all the students go out and in the past she used to go home with guys on Friday night. I can't remove her from FB because her FB settings are shocing and I can see everything anyway, plus she gets tagged in everybody elses photos. I cannot/will not stop checking what she is up to on her page and it is driving me mad. Can't seem to exercise control right now. Just about managing to not talk to her all day. I don't know if I'm reading into everything too much. We had no sex life at all, but last night FB helpfully told me she was watching Secret Diary of a Call girl (she never watches that sort of thing) and she just posted up what I would consider to be one of OUR songs. Its years old, she has no reason to post it and I dont know if she is feeling something or Im just reading too much into it. I just want her back. My heart wants her back anyway. My head is sitting there with folded arms shaking his head and buying Taramaiden a drink for every word I post. Concentrating on improving myself feels like the cause of this relationship failing...but is that fair? Can't I work to improve my life when I get home from a very, very mundane job? Shouldn't she be able to entertain herself more. Am I just lost and lonely because we did everything together (well, everything I did, I did with her. She was always out clubbing etc on her own). I can't seem to find any strength.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 YOU MUST BE STRONG!! I'm right there with you. I can't bring myself to give up Facebook, but any time I see something there it sets my thoughts and emotions stirring and I'm back to square one. I do have some strong moments - like you said, from this forum and from friends. But then when I let myself start ruminating again I'm weak (and broke NC yesterday by calling - to no answer). From what I am reading, the relationship had been lopsided for a long time - you were in love with her, but listen to what you wrote - she didn't want sex, she didn't want to have conversations to see inside your mind, she went out and left you at home. These aren't the actions of somebody who is crazy about you. And if somebody's not crazy about you, you can't MAKE them have those feelings - nothing you do will bring that back. And you don't want a lopsided relationship - you deserve somebody who is as crazy about you as you are about them. I find I do the best and strongest when i am at work and being productive. You're a smart guy - do something that will occupy your brain other than ruminating on her. You can't do that 24/7 but at least it will give you some strength. And try to avoid FB. You would do yourself a huge favor if you could find a way not to see her on FB. Stay strong! 1
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