lizzies Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Okay. Just met a man a week ago but have been calling and texting for about 3 weeks. He suggested we get together this weekend and I agreed. We have plans to go out for dinner and a comedy show tonight, and I'm having a problem figuring out how to determine who is paying. When we had our first meeting we had drinks and lunch. Before he had a chance to say anything about paying or not paying for me, I told him I planned on paying for myself. I said that I know some men are offended by that, but I felt that since it was our very first face to face meeting, I should pay for myself. He said, ok... seemed a little awkward, like he either fully expected that I would pay for myself and was a little confused why I was bringing it up OR he was planning on paying and was surprised that I insisted on paying for my own... ugh. Now that I know we are comfortable with each other and like each other's company, do I ask him if he's paying? Do I wait to see what he does when the check comes but have enough to pay for myself just in case? Should I expect that he pays? Do I offer again to pay for myself? I just ended a year and a half long relationship with someone who insisted that we split everything 50/50... Not sure how things are done these days... I haven't had a ton of experience with dating.. I've been in three long term relationships over the past 22 years. Any help is appreciated!
normal person Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Before he had a chance to say anything about paying or not paying for me, I told him I planned on paying for myself. I said that I know some men are offended by that, but I felt that since it was our very first face to face meeting, I should pay for myself. He said, ok... seemed a little awkward, like he either fully expected that I would pay for myself and was a little confused why I was bringing it up OR he was planning on paying and was surprised that I insisted on paying for my own... ugh. You can make a few different inferences from this but I'm not so sure he was "offended." Maybe a little surprised? I know the whole subject is murky and in light of a few recent threads I should probably say that if a girl was incredibly adamant about paying her share I'd think: 1). She's a considerate, reasonable person 2). She might think that I'm the kind of person that's expecting something from her in return if I pay for the whole thing (off topic: I'm not) and she doesn't yet like me enough to feel comfortable with that obligation. The incongruence between readiness/comfort and expectation being the driving force. Translation: "I'm not ready for you to pay for me yet because I'm not ready to do whatever you think I owe you for doing that." Maybe that's how he read into it and was a little upset you might think that he'd expect something (?). I know, there's no easy answer for girls or guys here. Now that I know we are comfortable with each other and like each other's company, do I ask him if he's paying? Do I wait to see what he does when the check comes but have enough to pay for myself just in case? Should I expect that he pays? Do I offer again to pay for myself? I just ended a year and a half long relationship with someone who insisted that we split everything 50/50... If you actually would feel more comfortable paying for whatever reason, explain to him that you think 50/50 is fair. Just be completely honest with each other about your rationales. There's no shame in offering to split it, at least there shouldn't be. I think any guy who gets offended that you're willing to pay is living in the dark ages. I've seen one or two super-chivalrous posters that say "No! I always pay! End of story!" I think they're a little out of touch with what might actually be going on in a girl's head. I don't think they have bad intentions, but those guys don't understand that you might not want him to. Both parties need to be a little flexible and honest. Anyone who has that much of an issue with compromise will probably cause you trouble down the line. If you legitimately want to pay for whatever reason, he has no right to stop you or be upset by it in my opinion. Edited March 22, 2013 by normal person
Author lizzies Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Well thank you for your thoughtful response... to be honest, my ex was SO insistent that everything be split right down the middle... to the point where when we made a food list for camping, he stated "I'm not paying for half of your yogurt.. I don't eat it"... it was over the top. I had put 4 yogurt cups on the list... I didn't complain about splitting the beer which he certainly drank more of than me... anyway, the point being, after a year and a half of that, there's a part of me that just wants someone to be willing to pay sometimes... but I also understand 1) I can't apply my bad experience in a prior relationship to a new one, and 2) there's really no good reason for one person to pay more than another, unless perhaps there is a big difference in their financial situation (?). There is a piece of me that would really enjoy a man to pick up the tab, but when I start thinking that way, I ask myself why should a man pay just because he's the man??? The whole idea of a man paying because of the expectation/hope of 'physical activity' is repulsive to me. That is something that should happen if both people want to do that and should not be related whatsoever to paying for dinner.... seems cheap to me. I'm not saying YOU were saying that's how you see it, LOL... I just know some women who feel that if a man is getting sex from them, the man should pay for the meal... that just seems so wrong to me. I guess I'll just wing it. I'll bring what I need to pay for myself and IF he insists I'll let him. If he doesn't I'll politely ask the waitress to split the check. Ugh dating is stressful... but yes, being honest can alleviate much of that. Thanks for your honest reply :-) 1
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