queenie Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 (sorry if this is a repost -- my last one didn't appear) My boyfriend has a very annoying habit of talking about other women in front of me, like sharing his lusty thoughts with me. He always says it in a joking manner, and I really do trust him, but it makes me feel so bad and insecure and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to bring this up with him without making him feel bad, so I've done some things I'm not very proud of in order to cope with it. Sometimes I pull away from him because I'm mad, like if we're on the phone I'll make an excuse to go. Other times I've made jokes, trying to indirectly let him know that I'm not happy about it. Point is, I've never been direct with him about it because I have no clue how to bring this up with him. I've also tried talking myself out of feeling hurt by this, but the fact of the matter is, it still hurts and I have to try something else. I don't want him to change for me, even to the point that I'd rather break up with him if this is truly part of him. I love him and I want him to be who he is, but I know myself well enough by now to know that this isn't gonna get easier for me. I honestly don't know why he would tell me these things -- is he saying them to make me jealous intentionally? I would never talk about lusting after other men in front of him because I wouldn't want to hurt him and so I just don't see why I would do it. Any advice on how to bring this up with him, without making him feel like a bad person?
Merin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Well because you've said you've tried letting him know in a joking manner that you don't like this, and you've tried letting him know that you don't like it by pulling away, he is either just really slow OR he thinks you really don't mind because to him it seems like you're also "kidding" when you brush it off as a joke OR like a lot of guys out there he thinks you're pulling away because you're having some female moment that he for real doesn't want to ask about because he is afraid of what he will find out! LOL! Listen, obviously you care a lot about this guy and I can respect that you don't want to hurt him, but this is hurting you and making you feel bad. If you continue to try to let it go without going the direct approach route with this guy it is going to eventually eat you up to the point it is going to hurt you both. So I would suggest sitting him down (when you're not pissed off) and saying to him "you know when you talk about other girls, I feel very uncomfortable. I feel like you're trying to tell me something and I really don't like it" I don't think that is being to harsh with him. Avoid using phrases like "YOU MAKE ME feel this way"
Author queenie Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Thanks Merin, that's a good point that I may be screwing myself by joking about it, and I'm afraid if I put it off any longer I'll get so mad next time he does it and explode. I get some questionable advice from my therapist sometimes, so I wanted to see what people think about this. She says I should bring it up indirectly (yet again), like say I was talking to folks at work about this (guys who talk about other girls in front of their girlfriends) and they said this or that. Then ask my boyfriend what does he think. So I'd get some insight based on his response as to why a guy would do it. I have to admit it appeals to me because if he's judgmental about it (and doesn't recognize that he does it itself), it would be interesting, but I'm still not sure how I would interpret the outcome anyway. Also, if he knows I'm talking about him, then it seems like he'd get mad that I'm not being direct. I think I'd be mad if someone pulled that on me. So that's why I think something more direct like what Merin says is the way to go. I guess I have a hard time letting him know that I feel hurt because it makes me feel vulnerable. I should probably get over that... Thanks for saying that doesn't sound too harsh! I hate feeling like a nagging girlfriend, so I never know if I'm crossing that line.
Barby Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Just ask if you two can talk, explain to him that you're not sure if he's joking or if he's serious but either way it's making you really un-happy and un-comfortable. Let him know that you wouldn't want to "change" him but that it makes you feel bad when he says these things. Yes joking about it probably just makes him think you're okay with it. Be honest and no matter what happens at least you'll be able to feel better knowing you were up front.
Girlie Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Aww you're definitely not being the nagging girlfriend by bringing this up. Communication is the key to any good relationship. If something's bothering you, you should speak up. It sounds like you're a sensitive girl, so you should be able to do it without coming accross as harsh. And I'm sure he probably would want to know if something he's doing is bothering you. I know I would if something I was doing was bothering my SO.
snilljente Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Just tell him...talk to him and say that you know that you have gone along with joking about it...but that it really does bug you and you need to tell him because you don't want it to come between you...If he doesn't stop then, he is disrespecting you....
Author queenie Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 thanks folks, you've given me the nerve to do it. When I talk to him I think I'm going to use the word "uncomfortable" in describing how I feel (thanks Barby) because that's the kind of unconfrontational tone I want to use.
Barby Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 You're welcome. I agree that you shouldn't come across "confrontational" because since he doesn't know it bothers you for real, coming across harsh probably wouldn't do any good. It would probably cause an arguement on something he may not realize (though he should) that he's doing wrong. Anyway good luck!
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