This feels like a power battle - a mind game

[joey.101]

There seems to be a pattern emerging for me and it's been more pronounced since starting university after a few years of leaving school. I think i'm a magnet for frustrating girls - or maybe i'm the one causing the problems. Anyway, I'll just say the one instance as a classic example that's just recently happened.

 

Recently I've been trying to hit this girl (ex flatmate and now romantically involved with - still not officially a couple so i have no idea what we are...i'm the one chasing for a relationship) up i've been seeing for over a year now to head out to see something at the theatre - yeh i like musicals and classical music. I knw she likes them too. She just didn't seem interested in responding to suggestions much and if she did it was like, yeh i don't think that is worth paying for, maybe something else - not much motivation for it it seemed but fair enough she is very busy with her work. She did mention this one show she had briefly looked at as i had been talkin about other shows that were on. Anyway, that was the only mention of it from her and we proceeded to talk about other random stuff.

 

perhaps the following day or 2 days later, she tells me that she is going to that show she mentioned with her other guy friend (one of her more close friends she use to be flat mates with - "he's a very nice guy", which i agree he is cool) on the coming sat night. I am totally cool with that and assumed he asked her because they've actually been meaning to catch up.. understandable. She has told me he has a soft spot for her, which i also understand and if he sees her like i do, i can relate. so i figured he was tryin to hit her up. I'm all for friends catching up for quality catch up sessions.

 

Anyway, later she informs me she asked him to go and almost immediately my thoughts went straight away to - why wasn't i asked? she noticed i had a disappointed look and had the look and said, awh do you feel jealous? I said, well no not really that, it's just that i've been asking you for ages to go and then you go ask him - just wondering why i didn't get invited too. She paused a moment and said, oh well - you have study to do i don't want to take away your study time.

 

From that point the argument started and i still can't make sense of it - just gets ugly and i feel like i want to get a gun out and shoot my head off because my brain just gets twisted up. My argument, ok well: a - i've been asking you for ages, b - i spend every night with you starting around the time the show starts, c - there was no mention by you to even see if i can make it due to study. Her argument, oh you don't appreciate me that i try help you with study. I noticed she had put in quite a lot of effort to org this with him and she didn't even know he liked musicals.

 

I just feel like she fails to tell me what actually went through her head during the decision making process and proceeds to tell me some other additional crap that - to her credit - trumps me.

 

I always feel like there is something more that she leaves out and i'm always left feeling frustrated. If she feels like i'm not telling her everything, she grills me and forces me to tell her - after i work out what it is she felt was missing. I am trying to tell her everything to she understands. If i don't understand something, it seems like she always dances around my very explicit questions - no other way of interpreting them. I knw she understands them because if there's no other way to answer, she just goes nevermind don't worry about it, it's not important.

 

She gets her way all the time it seems because she gets upset and says i don't care, i'm not consistent, and doesn't bother trying to understand my perspective - so i'm always the one giving in. She just seems like she cares about herself and whether or not she feels loved - maybe because i'm a bit upset and don't feel like massaging her like i do every night or kiss her - whereas it's perfectly ok if she denies me - because she's not in the mood, so suddenly - if i cared - i'd "fix it". It's making me feel resentment but i have to control my emotions and make sure she's feeling loved and also making sure that i'm not feeling obliged to do it.

 

She does have the upper hand with the control factor because i am the one chasing and she makes it clear that she never chases. says stuff like, if u don't give me attention, some other guy will.

 

what a freakin head screw. yet i'm still chasing right to the end and willing to do so much for her and spend most nights with her because generally it's good times. I do love her a lot. She loves me as well, which i believe. She's a smart girl but she seems to play politics a lot.

 

Is this normal or are relationships usually chillbangin'?

[iKING]

Stop chasing, she sounds like an attention/control freak.

[Emilia]

Dating isn't supposed to be this hard OP and not everyone you fancy you will be compatible with. In fact I'd say as a 40 year-old that most men I have fancied in my life I wasn't compatible with.

 

You have been dating/seeing each other for a year, you are not in a relationship, you are 'chasing'. Why? The reason for your troubles is that you are sticking with something that's not working.

 

Do yourself a massive favour and try to work out someone's personality and compatibility with you before you get involved with them to this degree. It sounds to me that this particular 'relationship' shouldn't have gone beyond the 3 months mark.

[joey.101]

When she doesn't play politics everything is so good.

 

I'm probably my own worst enemy. I am persistent with things in general so maybe i focus a lot on the good things over the bad things. Right at the start, i told a lie about sexual history (i said there was one but infact there was one other which i wish didn't happen - she knows the girl), which i corrected the morning after. since then i've been honest and open about everything straight up even if it meant not having a nice reaction. but she still holds onto that and brings it up saying she still can't trust me. maybe in time she says. she says she's never felt like this with anyone and she's gone a lot deeper with me more than anyone. She is a challenge and she knows and even admits she tries - always testing me whether i'm good enough for her. So, being the one not to be scared from a challenge if my eye is on the goal, i persist. It's probably some kind of addiction.

 

She says she seems to attract persistent and emotional guys. she likes persistence even through rough times. i understand that doesn't every girl want that kind of guy?

 

You probably have an idea of what kind of personality i have. before i really wished i had companionship, and i found a girl who is everything i want, except simple - she's complex (she admits as well).

 

So the quick and easy (prob the only) option is to just 'stop dragging the ball and chain' and say, fine i give up - i'm just one of those typical guys, ok?

 

Thank you for your inputs btw

[Emilia]

She says she seems to attract persistent and emotional guys. she likes persistence even through rough times. i understand that doesn't every girl want that kind of guy?

 

You probably have an idea of what kind of personality i have. before i really wished i had companionship, and i found a girl who is everything i want, except simple - she's complex (she admits as well).

 

So the quick and easy (prob the only) option is to just 'stop dragging the ball and chain' and say, fine i give up - i'm just one of those typical guys, ok?

 

It's about what you want. To me this kind of constant testing is exhausting and I'd hate it. I also think I'm by and large 'good enough' and don't like the idea that someone thinks they have the right to question this. I understand that you are a good guy, persistent and love her but a lot of people get off on drama and personally it's not for me.

 

It sounds to me that it isn't for you either otherwise you wouldn't have started a thread on it. Just my point of view though. Everyone is different.

[joey.101]

Yeh it's def not smooth and i don't like being tested all the time but i try not be prideful and assume i'm good enough ('cause that doesn't make you teachable, right?). I have to alter my perception a lot to make sense of things.

 

So, yeh i understand what it means when it comes to having to vent about something like this. If i can't seem to deal with it with her then i clearly have a communication issue - i've never turned to making a thread on a forum for others' insights and to vent haha.

 

I guess i've just decided by starting the thread that enough is enough. Sick of the politicking - she needs a lawyer or politician who are pro's at it.

 

Thanks Emilia

[Emilia]

I think it's good to watch your attraction to 'complex' girls. That usually refers to looking for excitement in difficulty. It's good that you are aware of this already rather than just blindly follow your instincts. Good luck

[joey.101]

looking for excitement in difficulty.

 

Or a sucker for punishment.

 

I admit I had to leave a girl because she was too much of a 'yes' girl and didn't give much of an opinion. Went from one extreme to the other .

 

Thanks for the kind wishes

[Emilia]

I admit I had to leave a girl because she was too much of a 'yes' girl and didn't give much of an opinion. Went from one extreme to the other .

 

Oh for sure, that happened to me too. That describes my last ex in fact. I thought it would be good for me to date and idealist who had no opinions. In fact that drove me up the wall

 

There are lots of options in between those two extremes though.

[joey.101]

Lots of options - this is true. Got to convince myself that it's not going to be settling if i stop pursuing this one. It's too distracting ha. Something will work out - once i'm 55.

[Emilia]

Lots of options - this is true. Got to convince myself that it's not going to be settling if i stop pursuing this one. It's too distracting ha. Something will work out - once i'm 55.

 

You don't want to leave it that late, by that age you are f**d

 

What do you mean settling exactly?

[joey.101]

settling as in for 2nd best. i think the sun shines out of her buns she is something special. she is very generous, kind hearted and the sweetest girl i've ever met and she is the sweetest to me most times. we both have our moments (as per above) but when things are good they are good. i fell for her for good reasons (i thought) but it's just not smooth running at times. my feelings and thoughts of her grow as time goes by but so do the frustrations i experience. it's like positive feed back and i might become bipolar. when they aren't smooth, it's gets very rough and things are said liberally by her about me not caring and she doesn't feel loved and i don't appreciate her - which is bollocks and i put forward my case but she is so very stubborn. it's strange..

 

But anyway, that's what i meant re. 2nd best.

[Emilia]

settling as in for 2nd best. i think the sun shines out of her buns she is something special. she is very generous, kind hearted and the sweetest girl i've ever met and she is the sweetest to me most times. we both have our moments (as per above) but when things are good they are good. i fell for her for good reasons (i thought) but it's just not smooth running at times. my feelings and thoughts of her grow as time goes by but so do the frustrations i experience. it's like positive feed back and i might become bipolar. when they aren't smooth, it's gets very rough and things are said liberally by her about me not caring and she doesn't feel loved and i don't appreciate her - which is bollocks and i put forward my case but she is so very stubborn. it's strange..

 

But anyway, that's what i meant re. 2nd best.

 

What you are describing to me sounds like addiction to rollercoaster behaviour, not love or admiration for a great person. A great person is consistent.

 

See, to me strength of character is what's attractive. Someone who owns their sh*t, who take responsibility for their actions, who want to grow and want to be better people despite adversity.

 

Not someone who gets off on drama. They are a dime to a dozen. I know a guy who likes me and he has major issues that would cause a lot of drama in a relationship with him. he has his moments and he is very sexy but if I went out with him I would take on things that I think he is blind to. To me that would be settling.

[joey.101]

you mean i am the one addicted to rollercoaster behaviour?

[Emilia]

you mean i am the one addicted to rollercoaster behaviour?

 

Ok, addiction might be a strong word but you are fascinated by it I think.

[joey.101]

I never really saw it like that actually. I thought i'm the one that tries to make things simple but i do respond to things i don't think i like hearing. and likewise for her.. i've often said that 'you are very hot and cold you know,' something i said she doesn't appreciate and then something she said doesn't set well with me, and we both try addressing it as they come up.

 

but i think last night i was unfair - she probably didn't even think about it too much at the time she org'd the tickets and then i get upset and she tries to make it better by saying no you got to study.

 

Yes i am fascinated by that actually. What is the secret to sorting out a problematic guy like myself. You might see some similarities with that guy you mentioned.

[Emilia]

I never really saw it like that actually. I thought i'm the one that tries to make things simple but i do respond to things i don't think i like hearing. and likewise for her.. i've often said that 'you are very hot and cold you know,' something i said she doesn't appreciate and then something she said doesn't set well with me, and we both try addressing it as they come up.

 

Depends on how you address it and how much relationship experience you have and how old you are I suppose. Of course responding to things you don't like hearing is natural. At what point is it healthy to walk away from it though? It's relative of course but still, boundaries are important.

 

but i think last night i was unfair - she probably didn't even think about it too much at the time she org'd the tickets and then i get upset and she tries to make it better by saying no you got to study.

 

I would need to know more about the both of you to 'take a side'. However if it was me, I would have asked and given you the option. After all, you are an adult, you can make a decision on whether you want to study or not.

 

Yes i am fascinated by that actually. What is the secret to sorting out a problematic guy like myself. You might see some similarities with that guy you mentioned.

 

No secret, not something I know. I used to have troubled relationships and I gravitated towards people slowly who made me feel good away from those that made me feel bad. I come from a troubled family with personality disorders, etc so I consciously had to break certain patterns not to end up in codependent relationships anymore.

 

The guy I referred to has issues (alcoholism, overtly impulsive behaviour, etc) that I don't think you have. May I ask how old you are?

[joey.101]

yeh i am 27 (i bet u were expecting younger). i haven't had much experience but enough to have some idea what i don't want and what i do want. i dated when i was 16 and 21 both 18 months, got involved with someone at 25 for a couple of weeks which shouldn't have happened but i dealt with it. Currently it's been about 14 months with a 23 yr old.

 

None of these have lasted very long and i did end the others. 16, i could see she was going down the wrong track and not where i wanted to go (partying, drinking and drugs etc). 23 yr old one was for 18 months too and I did say i loved her. she moved in with me and my folks but she didn't really show much appreciation (paid rent once of the 10 months of so when she was there, and she did work) and was indicative to things in the future i didn't like.

 

This one i've tried to sus her out as much as i could and it seemed to look good. our families are quite contrasting, which i considered and figured we could get around it if we're truly into each other - her's are from professional background and mine are, well, quite laid back in comparison.

 

I think i'm quite level headed but i can be annoying but i probably over react to things that annoy me. it just annoys me that what she says, goes i.e. if she says no you should do study and not waste time, then nothing i can say will not make her think i'm not appreciating her - and i think, man you are good at this. I put forward the fact i'm at her place every night with her, she says yeh well if u think u get enough done then it's acceptable to have part of the night off (i have said i can't come till later before), but for some silly reason that is impossible on Saturday night before 7.30 and she won't accept anything else. i'd be perfectly happy if she simply said, i want to just spend a night catching up with him 'cause he's a good friend. additional reasons don't make sense and i've caught her out doing it before and she's like... ahhh ok fine.

 

It is taking its toll (hence this thread) but she does say if i decide to make commitment with you, i will stop testing you as much. she's so so scared that i'm going to lose interest and end up hurting her as she saw with her older sister.

 

I have mentioned to her about her controlling me and she knows she does it haha. it seems like a constant need to justify actions. unbelievable. she says it's my choice and i know if i don't yield as much as i do, then she'll put it to differences in values and beliefs....

 

In the end, you are right, actually Emilia. I don't know why i take it. you can't reason with the unreasonable (obviously reason is subjective)

[joey.101]

 

23 yr old one was for 18 months too and I did say i loved her.

 

 

Correction. 21 yr old one was for 18 months and i did say i loved her.

[joey.101]

I commend you for taking action to make things better for yourself!The people around you makes a significant different to life style. Not a lot of people make it to that stage where you came from. Some never learn but others do. That's what makes happy endings. I guess i got to learn too eh?

[Emilia]

I did expect you to be younger yes, though I had an immature relationship when I was 31 after my separation from my then husband. I had very little dating experience as I got married when I was 21. Different paths for everyone. You seem really self-aware though.

 

I think she perceives you as someone who needs to be controlled. That could very well have something to do with coming from different backgrounds. May I ask why you are studying at the age of 27? I started my degree when I was 25 so certainly don't see anything wrong with that but a lot of people put stuff off for example.

[Emilia]

I commend you for taking action to make things better for yourself!The people around you makes a significant different to life style. Not a lot of people make it to that stage where you came from. Some never learn but others do. That's what makes happy endings. I guess i got to learn too eh?

 

Thank you. Everyone needs to learn, from what I have seen I'd say self-awareness is half the battle.

[joey.101]

well i screwed around in school, didn't consider uni and was into music. i proceeded to study music performance without ambition to make a career out of it, more just because i wanted to. the i worked for a few yrs to save cash for flying lessons (always wanted to fly - love aviation) but it's a lot of money. i bought bikes, cars, traveled and skied so saving took a bit longer. anyway, in 2008 i got scared at the 50 yr old guys working in the warehouse i was working at and thinking these guys have been here for 30 yrs, man i need to study. so, re did school at tafe, got into uni studying aviation and got the license haha. i'm just finishing up last 2 subjects now. Meanwhile, she's doing PHD starting at 22 so she's sorted herself out.. might explain the control thing.

[Emilia]

well i screwed around in school, didn't consider uni and was into music. i proceeded to study music performance without ambition to make a career out of it, more just because i wanted to. the i worked for a few yrs to save cash for flying lessons (always wanted to fly - love aviation) but it's a lot of money. i bought bikes, cars, traveled and skied so saving took a bit longer. anyway, in 2008 i got scared at the 50 yr old guys working in the warehouse i was working at and thinking these guys have been here for 30 yrs, man i need to study. so, re did school at tafe, got into uni studying aviation and got the license haha. i'm just finishing up last 2 subjects now. Meanwhile, she's doing PHD starting at 22 so she's sorted herself out.. might explain the control thing.

 

I'd say you two have very different views on life, quite possibly very different values. Personally, I think you are doing well and have come a long way since 2008. You were what, about 22 years old when you realised you had to change your ways? That's pretty good.

 

She should be able to see that but perhaps because your route hasn't been the pre-planned obvious one, she isn't seeing it. Maybe she thinks in much more structured ways.

[joey.101]

And what did you study and occupation? you are extremely helpful to me. Yeh i'm aware of things, aware of things that don't make sense. knowing how to act is the trick.

 

I am off for now but will be back later. it was lovely chatting with you.