Broke up with her, huge mistake, pushed her away and want to apologise....

March 22, 2013

I (29) broke up with her (28) 4 months ago after a year, we've had a real up and down journey since and then 1 month ago she pulled the plug completely and has since started seeing someone else (think it's a rebound). I realised that I had some serious issues and so decided to start counselling. I have learned a lot about myself that I have been working on and I feel like it's time I made a proper apology to her. I want to say this to her in person, so I'm going to rehearse it, ask her out for a drink and tell her. Would appreciate some thoughts on the whole thing... Is there anything I should take out/add at all?

Now I'm finally settled and had some time to think, I wanted to give you a proper apology without it being fuelled by emotional desperation or booze. I thought about writing you a letter but then realised I'm not going to be that person who's afraid of confrontation any more so I wanted to tell to you in person.

I allowed my own life to get in the way and be projected onto our relationship. I was thoughtless, negative, and a total hypocrite and you didn't deserve any of that and I'm sorry that I treated you that way.

Since going to my counsellor, I've learned a hell of a lot about myself. I now know that my excuses for breaking up were just a mask for deeper rooted problems I had.I couldn't possibly go into it all now, but I've been working really hard on fixing some stupid and immature ways of thinking and actually considering the consequences of my actions for once. It's easy for me to say this, and they're just words, but I'm finally growing up. I just wish that our relationship hadn't been the thing to teach me all that. I think we met at the wrong time in my life - I just wasn't ready and were right not to take that risk. I'd give a lot to go back with the knowledge that I have now. I do still love you Vikki.

I know you were afraid of hurting me by telling me about you and Jonny, so I hope I can ease your mind by saying you don't have to be! I'm ok with it, because I care about you, and the absolute most important thing to me is that you're in a better place now, and if he makes you happy, that is all that matters!

I am more than aware that there are a hundred other people you'd turn to before me, but for what it's worth now, you should know that I'll always be here for you if you need me. If you're ever having a difficult time or you need someone to talk to - about anything, then you can come to me, and I'm not gonna let you down again, I promise.

March 22, 2013

sorry but if you want her back, then it reads fine until the last two paragraphs, leave it open ended, those two paragraphs turn you into a someone who does not even think he is in with a chance, and I think this phrase in paragraph three "I think we met at the wrong time in my life" is also laden with a mild sense of fallure/desperation, yikes, you're asking out for a drink, not a funeral

March 22, 2013

I think you're right - do you think I should take out the part about knowing she's with someone else? The thing is, we share mutual friends and I know for a fact she's purposely been wanting to withhold me finding out for fear of hurting me....I kind of want to take that pressure off.

Edited March 22, 2013 by doubleornothing

March 22, 2013

my first thought is may the best man win, leave him out of things because you don't gain by her thinking of him when she's out with you, i think take her where there's music, a distraction but not so you can't hear convos, but believe in what you're saying and see how she reacts as you talk I think knowing that you've learned alot and how things will be different from now on because...might need a bit of thinking through this newness new you, so make plans...I don't know her, you do, so you know what kind of traits you now have that she will appreciate

Edited March 22, 2013 by darkmoon

March 22, 2013

This is good advice - I appreciate it. I realise I need to sound as non-desperate as possible.

One question - does it seem from my post that I still want to get back with her? I mean aside from the "i love you" part at the end.

Edited March 22, 2013 by doubleornothing

March 22, 2013

How about this now:

Now I'm finally settled and have had some time to reflect, I wanted to give you a proper apology for everything without it being emotionally charged or fuelled by booze. I thought briefly about writing you a letter but I decided a while ago I'm not going to shy away from this kind of confrontation anymore and so I wanted to say this to you in person.

Since going to see my Joe, my counsellor, I've discovered a lot of things about myself. I now see that my reasons for breaking up with you were just a front for much deeper rooted issues which I selfishly allowed to be projected onto our relationship and you never deserved any of that.

I was always so negative and for such immature reasons. I was a massive hypocrite at times...and I often didn't think about the consequences of some of my actions and I am so sorry that I subjected you to all that, because that's not how I really feel and that's not the person I want to be.

I know these are words and it's really easy for me to say this, but I feel like I'm finally growing up and I'm fixing these issues. I just wish that our relationship hadn't been the thing to teach me all of that. I'd wish I'd had this knowledge before I met you, because then I wouldn't have made those mistakes.

But I do understand why you couldn't take that risk again - and you were right at the time - I just wasn't ready...but I do still love you Vikki, and that's the truth.

Edited March 22, 2013 by doubleornothing

March 22, 2013

Any more advice? Wanna get this right

March 22, 2013

Any more advice? Wanna get this right

"I know these are words and it's really easy for me to say this, but I feel like I'm finally growing up and I'm fixing these issues. I just wish that our relationship hadn't been the thing to teach me all of that"

this is a bit depressing, and i really do not think that it makes you sound the best you could be, it's about you still being lame written in the present, this side of you is all in the past, you dumped her, you must have more to offer her than this, so tell her what you learned, too, you know her likes and dislikes and i don't, but i mean if you love her by all means tell her, but you must accept the fact you told her to piss off...what would you like said and done to you if you were in her position?...

i can't gurantee results, you know her like i've said, and i don't, but i've seen a holiday treat as a kiss and make-up offer, tbh, effective, which got her back to a relative of mine

Edited March 22, 2013 by darkmoon

March 22, 2013

Well I'm two and a half months post BU for a very similar reason to yours, so I think it's great that you tell her these things. My ex ended it with me because his life is apparently too hectic right now and he's unhappy with himself, but still loves me (?). He isn't seeing anyone else, he just "can't handle a relationship" and "wishes we met a few years later in life". We're still friends, or friendly or whatever, but there are definitely ups and downs.

So, from my perspective, I would want to hear from him that:

-He still loves me and his feelings never changed

-He's sincerely sorry for all the heartache he caused me and will be there to support me in any way that I feel I need him.

-He has learned a lot about himself (state what you've learned), and the reasons for why he ended things will no longer be an issue. For example, my ex is terrible at communicating. Every time I talked to him about something, he thought it was an argument and got very defensive. One reason for the BU was that "we argue all the time", despite the fact that we actually just discussed things all the time, and argued significantly less than most couples. I would need him to explain why he's had trouble communicating, that it wasn't my fault, and that he's working on improving this. Then, if I gave him the chance to talk to me again, I would need him to fully open up in person and tell me why things ended and why now he wants to try again.

-The ball is in my court. This will probably be the hardest part for you because it's scary to give up any control you have. For me, a reconciliation would take a lot of honest communication and time, and things would have to be on my terms. The best you can do is let her know you still care about her and want to try again, and that the new relationship will be an improved one. From there, all you can do is wait it out and be there when she asks. It'll probably take her some time just to warm up to the idea of trying again, and then much more time to actually start talking/dating before a relationship happens.

Good luck and keep us posted!

March 23, 2013

You know guys, after I wrote this thread, I thought it would be a better idea to expand the story, so here it is. I have added a changed version of the speech below too (is it any better?)

Sorry about the length in advance, just wanted to give as much info as possible.

So I broke up with her 4 months ago after about a year together. I was in the middle of moving cities for the first time ever, I was depressed (which i didn't realise at the time) and I felt a lot of pressure from various things going on in my life which I let affect us. My reasons for breaking up with her were immature and superficial, and really my own problems rather than hers (which I didn't understand until later).

I felt like I'd made a mistake and for a good three months after we split, we went back and forth with sleeping with each other and stuff. During this time she told me she loved me for the first time, I realised I did too and last month I asked her to give things another go. She told me she needed time to think, and when it looked like we were going to give it another shot, I got cold feet again and I told her I was so afraid of messing up again. Went back to square one, but instantly regretted it. Realised how unbelievably stupid I was being and then next week confessed everything to her. She said she didn't really believe I loved her because it seemed I couldn't make up my mind and that she couldn't take the risk because there would always be that fear I would change my mind again.

I was heartbroken and couldn't understand why I had such a tough time committing, so I started going to counselling because I realised I might have some serious issues. Now my life has settled and therapy has made me realise I had a whole wealth of problems - which I have been working hard on dealing with. She doesn't hate me for what happened, the lines of communication are still open and it's still fairly amicable. At the moment, we are in that weird "let's be friends" scenario. We still kind of on-off talk, but it's a bit tense. Her best friend (also a friend of mine) says she isn't over me but I need to move on. Said friend also doesn't realise how I truly feel though.

She started seeing someone else in the middle of all this happening, blew him off when I asked her to come back and has since returned so seeing him (think he might be a rebound). She doesn't think I know and I think she's afraid of telling me in case she hurts me. I have accepted it and it hurts, but I guessed it was gonna happen anyway.

So here's the deal. I totally ****ed this up and so I've written an apology that I want to actually deliver through speech rather than a letter, I was just wondering whether I could get a critique on it. How does it come across? Anything I should add/not say?. I don't want to sound too desperate, just matter-of-factly. I guess I'm walking on this thin line where I don't want to live in regret that I missed the opportunity to tell her how I really felt and yet I don't want to push her away further away. I actually don't think this will change her mind, but i feel like I need to tell her this to give myself closure. Help!

"Now I'm in a better place and I've actually had some time to reflect, I wanted to give you a proper apology without it being emotionally charged or fuelled by booze. I thought briefly about writing you a letter but I decided a while ago I'm not going to be afraid of confrontation anymore and so I wanted to say this to you in person.

Since going to see Joe, my counsellor, I've learnt a hell of a lot about myself that I didn't realise before. I now know that the way I acted and my reasons for breaking up with you were just a front for much deeper rooted issues I'd not realised I'd had or dealt with yet, and in turn I allowed them to be projected onto our relationship.

I wish I'd known all that before I met you, because then I wouldn't have been so narrow-minded and treated you like I did. I was stubborn, often negative and a massive hypocrite at times and I didn't think about the consequences of some of my actions and I am so sorry that I subjected you to that.

I can't lie to you - I do wish things could be different now, I wish it hadn't been our relationship to teach me all this stuff, but I have to respect your decisions. I completely understand why you couldn't take that risk again and you were absolutely right. But it's not because I didn't want to be with you - I just wasn't mature enough at the time.

I was not prepared for how life-changing moving to B would be. I know they're just words and it's easy for me to say this but I am finally grown up. You're one of the most beautiful and amazing people I've ever met and I'm sorry you got caught up in my mess because you never deserved any of it. I really do still love you and that's the truth V ."

Edited March 23, 2013 by doubleornothing

March 23, 2013

I re-wrote it to be this. How about now?

"Now I'm in a better place and I've actually had some time to reflect, I wanted to give you a proper apology without it being emotionally charged or fuelled by booze. I thought briefly xx about writing you a letter but I decided a while ago I'm not going to be afraid of confrontation anymore and so I wanted to say this to you in person.

Since going to see Joe, my counsellor, I've learnt a hell of a lot about myself. I'm not gonna go into it, but now I see that the way I acted and my reasons for breaking up with you were just a front for much deeper rooted issues I'd not realised I'd had or dealt with in my life yet, and I allowed them to be projected onto our relationship.

Those issues caused me to be stubborn and negative and a massive hypocrite at times and I didn't think about the consequences of some of my actions and I am so sorry that I subjected you to that. I wish I'd been more self-aware before I met you, because then I wouldn't have been so narrow-minded and treated you like I did and we wouldn't be where we are now.

I can't lie to you - I do wish things could be different now, I wish it hadn't been our relationship that made me wake up, but I have to respect your decisions, of course. I completely understand why you couldn't take that risk again and you were absolutely right. But it's not because I didn't want to be with you - I just wasn't mature enough at the time.

I was not prepared for how life-changing moving to B would be. I know these are just words, and it's easy for me to say this but I have grown up now. You're one of the most beautiful and amazing people I've ever met and I'm sorry you got caught up in my mess because you never deserved any of it. I really do still love you and that's the truth V. "

if you think it will make her take you back, then ok, but it is too much empasis on what is wrong with you, like it refers to therapy that you are still in, seems prompted and induced by it

write one with the emphasis on what is right with you - i mean it - for example on the list of what is right if you have grown up now tell her what will be different

you know her, i don't, but you've asked me....when will you move on from therapy ffs? ppl do

Edited March 23, 2013 by darkmoon

March 23, 2013

See above - I edited the post. I have actually stopped counselling now because I feel like I have learned all I can, but your advice is still good though.

Edit: I guess I'm just worried about telling her I've changed when she aleady told me she wasn't looking for for excuses and it was too late. What's the worst that can happen though hey?

Edited March 23, 2013 by doubleornothing

March 23, 2013

I feel like you need to just be honest about how you're feeling. It doesn't need to be some hand-crafted piece of art, just tell her how you feel.

If you are absolutely in love with her and think you've effed everything up, then tell her this! If the problems were never with her and totally with you, and you've worked/are working on them, then tell her this too. All you have to do is say that you want to have an honest conversation with her and explain what you've been going through for a few months, and tell her you'd like to give it one more try. Then give her the time she needs to decide if she wants to try or not. She may make you wait it out a bit to see if you're serious, and if you are, you shouldn't mind waiting a bit if that's what she asks for.

March 23, 2013

what apology would you want if somebody had dumped you?

straight question

March 23, 2013

Hmm, I really don't know, it's never happened to me before...I guess I'd want an explanation of the reasons why...

I think this is slightly different though, I already gave here explanations when I broke up with her the first time and I've since realised those reasons were a lie to make me feel better about the real reasons.

March 23, 2013

Hmm, I really don't know, it's never happened to me before...I guess I'd want an explanation of the reasons why...

I think this is slightly different though, I already gave here explanations when I broke up with her the first time and I've since realised those reasons were a lie to make me feel better about the real reasons.

but she is the victim here, not you, because you dumped her

you know this stuff, you're not daft

treat people how you would like them to treat you

what treatment would you want if somebody had dumped you?

i have said all there is to say in previous messages, i have no more ideas

see what others posters say

Edited March 23, 2013 by darkmoon

March 23, 2013

You really just need to tell her you still love her and want to try again, and that you'll be patient with her. All you need to do is let her know she is in control of the situation and that this is something you really want. If you're sincere about getting back together, it shouldn't be too difficult to convince her you mean it.

March 23, 2013

I want to ask her to go for a drink on Monday after work but I'm worried she might suspect something is up and that she'll give her excuses not to meet me. I kind of want to catch her unawares about the whole thing because I'm sure if I said to her 'I need to talk to you', she'd just tell me we have nothing to talk about or for me to say it over text or something. Do you see my predicament?

March 23, 2013

Don't do it over drinks. Ask her if she'd like to grab coffee to catch up or something. Ideally, you'd have a more private location, but it doesn't seem like she'd agree to that.

March 23, 2013

She as moved on. Leave her be..She will probably never trust you again. You need to be realistic about that. Just cause you think you are ready for a relationship, doesn't mean she agrees. She is probably in a very different place than you are anyway.

If you feel the need to apologise, do it in six months time. It will seem far more sincere and genuine. Right now, it looks like you are hoping she will dump the new guy and she will come back to you. To me your apology does not seem genuine, it seems you are doing it to leave the door open for her to come back, while trying to relieve your own guilt.

You had your chance, you blew it. Leave her go and focus on your personal issues. Real Genuine change takes years. Years. You are in TOTAL denial if you think everything is suddenly rosy in the garden with you. It takes more then a few therapy sessions. Trust me on that.

If you truly care for her and you are truly sorry? Leave her go and give her peace.

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05

March 24, 2013

I appreciate your honesty mack - I am smart enough to know she won't just drop everything to be with me - my issue is that I feel I need to tell her how I feel to give myself closure.

My options are - don't say anything and then she doesn't ever know how I truly feel, or do say something and risk pushing her further away? But what exactly is further away - it's not like she will hate me for it...right? I don't see what I have to lose by telling her this.

March 24, 2013

I appreciate your honesty mack - I am smart enough to know she won't just drop everything to be with me - my issue is that I feel I need to tell her how I feel to give myself closure.

My options are - don't say anything and then she doesn't ever know how I truly feel, or do say something and risk pushing her further away? But what exactly is further away - it's not like she will hate me for it...right? I don't see what I have to lose by telling her this.

Listen mate you are not going to listen to me anyway. You are going straight ahead with this, whether u agree with me or not. I just hope the below post helps you in the future..

You are looking at this through your eyes. How many I's and me's in this last post? This apology is all about what you can get. Therefore it is not sincere or genuine.

What you don't understand is, you will make the exact same mistakes (or similar new one's) if she took you back. You are desperate. "Ok I've done a month's (?) therapy, I recognise all my mistakes. Now I'm ready". Sorry mate but you are kidding yourself and she will know this. Fooling others is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal.

Real love is recognising you had your shot. You did wrong and hope she gets the love and happiness she deserves. Even if it means that you are not the one that gets to wake up with her every morning.

She has moved on, really fast it seems, which makes me think she is as emotionally immature as you are. If you really want to help yourself REALLY work on your flaws for the next 6-12 months. Except that neither you, or your girl are ready for a healthy relationship. Then apologise when you really are in a better place and the apology is a REAL apology for her. Not what you can potentially get out of it...

_________________________________________________________________

I posted this in another thread. It's from the book getting past your breakup. I repost it many times.

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Mack05

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Broke up with her, huge mistake, pushed her away and want to apologise....

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