mortensorchid Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 After a few months on OKC, I have decided to close the account and not go back. I just don't get it. I made connections with others, we exchanged emails and not much else. Then one day I would sign on and their accounts would be gone / deleted. Others I had gotten to the point where they would give me their cell numbers, we would exchange a few text messages, and then one day either they or I would stop texting one another. Then there was the guy who kept putting up multiple profiles and sending emails from different profiles (with the same picture I might add). I kept blocking him. I met 3 guys in the flesh. The first I met for a dinner one night, good guy and all but I knew once he said "I think most people are looking for a text buddy" that this wasn't going to go anywhere. I sent a text that I was going to Pittsburgh for the weekend, he said "Ok, see you when you get back" and never heard from him again. The second appeared, disappeared, then reappeared weeks later and I met him one night. I never heard from him again after that. He was alright, I guess, but nothing happened. Then there was that arrogant a****** who literally walked away from me once the meal was over. It's not the first time that happened. I have a friend in another city who said this was the best thing that ever happened to him, he's got great women all over the place. Perhaps it has something to do with geography or the fact that he lives in a college town and I live in a city with a brain drain. Ah well, live and learn I guess. For me, OKC was a flop. Hope others have better experiences with it.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I had NO luck with OKC. I didn't meet anyone from there. Most of the guys I talked to on there seemed like neurotic, flaky yuppies. I just got a text message about a year later from a guy from OKC who I dismissed as too flaky, after he canceled the first 2 dates he set with me. I deleted.
LoverOfDance Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I keep getting guys who are looking for casual sex and for some reason they are usually VERY attractive. I always tell them talking to me is a waste of time tho since we're not looking for the same things. Been there for a month and half. No luck yet.
creighton0123 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Really, though. I believe 4 out of every 5 posts about dating trouble on this forum involve texting... texting... and more texting. Dating Rules I've always had good luck following when it came to OLD (OkCupid in my case): 1. Get off of OkCupid as quickly as possible. Two days of messaging, tops. 2. Get a phone number and DO NOT TEXT. If you receive a text, respond and let the person know you would like to talk on the phone. Lie and tell them you're not good at texting. 3. Get to the first date after a phone call or two. 4. After the first date is over, ask whether or not they would like another date. If they say yes, schedule it then and there. If they can't commit without checking their schedule, say "Okay, I'll call you on Thursday night" or "Okay. Call me on Thursday night." 5. If they don't answer on Thursday night or don't call you after having promised, move onto the next person. You can, obviously, do this for multiple people at once. The most I have casually dated at a time is 10 guys. The list quickly worked its way down to 3 and soon enough, one. 2
creighton0123 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Lived, I might offer another suggestion. I'm not sure if this is the case because I haven't experienced it on both sides, but I've found as a gay man in an urban area that OLD is the best option to meeting people interested in relationships. Sure, there are other resources like meetups, but the only other option is to meet people at gay clubs where searching for casual sex is pretty high. I'm not sure if this is the case with straight men and women, but among gay men and women, I have experienced the exact opposite: OLD seems to be one of the greatest resources since it is very difficult to meet other interested gay men and women in public. I find that people who have had trouble with OLD in the past or currently tend to commit one flaw that I find to be terminal: not moving it into a fully fledged offline relationship as quickly as possible. They tend to linger either on the dating site or over Facebook, via email, or text messaging for way too long. I say this as someone who has had meaningful relationships via OLD (one 9 months, one a year and a half) that didn't work out for different reasons. Then again, I could have a very different experience as a gay person.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Everyone I knew who went the OLD route had similar results and ended up quitting it as well. OP, You have gone and done it now. Be prepared to be flamed / attacked for saying bad things / quitting OLD. Seriously? I can't imagine that anyone cares whether somebody wants to use OLD or not. I did not love it, but it was a reasonable way for ME to get back into dating after my divorce. And, I ended up meeting my husband! My 25 year old daughter went on a first OKC date last night and she had a really good time, even though it won't be a "match." And he sent her home from dinner in a limo! That said, it's not up to me whether other people want to use the resource or not, and I know for sure it doesn't work for lots of people.
SunsetRed Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I'm 45 so I thought I'd give the site OurTime a try. Big Disappointment. Now these are men 50 and up mind you and most only put up a profile pic with nothing written under it. Under the pic it would just say "message me for details." The few guys I did message would message me back with dirty stuff and the few phone calls I got ended when I wanted to meet in a public place as opposed to letting a stranger pick me up at my house. I did get ONE real date. He flat out told me he was looking for a wife/second income as he couldn't pay his bills by himself anymore. He judged me because I didn't pray before eating the appetizer we shared and then got aggressively grabby as we were walking to our vehicles. So, my subscription to this site ended Mar 16. On Mar 14 I met a guy who seems wonderfully decent. I'm meeting him in a public place this Sat and plan to take one day at a time. He's 21 years older than I am and is fresh out of a 30 year marriage so if all I get out of this is good conversation, I'll be fine.
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I haven't seen any OLD fanatics here. As for disappearing and reappearing, that's called suspending the account. If the account is not suspended while dating someone, we will have people in here (likely same ones) complaining about multii-dating. Guaranteed to have something to complain about either way. The advice on "working" the list of people is for women only. Guys don't have the problem of multiple responses to sort out. The don't text - get a phone number is again for women. If a man tries this the woman will say she doesn't know the guy well enough to give her phone number to him yet, which is true. The "two days of texting" depends on how much conversation there is. If a "profile" can't text enough to reveal something of their personality, then there's nothing about obtaining a promise to meet in person that sounds promising. On other hand, when some rapport has been established with texting yet somehow doesn't include talking about first meet and when and where, then that also is not promising. Should escalate as OP suggests, but I wouldn't invite if "profile" isn't very revealing of personality or other info via messaging on the dating site. As for walking away from meeting / "date", if you behave anywhere close to way you behave on this site, I'd walk away too, assuming I was fooled anough to meet you. That's going by my memory of your posting. Maybe you've had some good moments and I missed them.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 People have said OKC sticks people in either "Hot" or "Not" hidden categories, and that once they were elevated to "Hot" status by getting enough likes/messages they started seeing the good profiles. Might want to look into seeing if that's the case.
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Not true, was discussed in an earlier thread. I saw no one new after I received the hot email. I did get nicer looking matches after that (nicer relative to my age), but no one I hadn't seen before in Match searches. You either get some 4-5 star ratings or you don't. Doesn't take many.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I met the guy I'm seeing now on there. I had totally given up but I read someone on here who said it is a numbers game so I just made the account, talked to as many guys as possible and I clicked with one. 2
Object_a Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 The problem here is exchanging too many emails and texts. Ask someone out (or let them know you're interested so they ask you out, if that's your thing), arrange a meet and DO NOT CONTACT until the date. You are just killing the tension and you won't have anything to talk about when you finally meet. If it goes well you can exchange phone numbers at the end of the date and take it from there. Think of OKC as a way to be introduced to people rather than a means of contact, basically.
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 The messaging I was referring to was prior to invite for first meet, not after, just to be clear.
Mr_Flay Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I made connections with others, we exchanged emails and not much else. Then one day I would sign on and their accounts would be gone / deleted. I never understood that one. If they deleted their profile because of someone else (or they were worried about being recognised by someone they knew in real life), why don't they send you a final message with their e-mail address? If they deleted their profile because of you, why do that anyway?
Bengal Tiger Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I've sent out hundreds of messages with very few dates but the few women I have met have been wonderful. It's an exercise in patience and persistence that continues to enable my social anxiety. I'm currently dating someone who I met on there. I like her a lot. I think some of the women who flake out on there do it because they get slammed with so many messages that fill up their inbox. There are ways to automate web browser actions and some *******s use that for dating site messages just to play the numbers game and cast a wide but shallow net so they can catch the dumbest fish. And there are plenty of obviously fake profiles. Yes, I do think it depends on the local population of where you live. I found the site because I read reviews and they said OKC was more gender balanced than the other free sites and tend to attract educated intelligent people my age a lot more than Plenty of fish or craigs list or some of the others. I also like the quizes and analytics they do on their data. Scientific people have been drawn to it for that reason.
venusianx13 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Really, though. I believe 4 out of every 5 posts about dating trouble on this forum involve texting... texting... and more texting. Dating Rules I've always had good luck following when it came to OLD (OkCupid in my case): 1. Get off of OkCupid as quickly as possible. Two days of messaging, tops. 2. Get a phone number and DO NOT TEXT. If you receive a text, respond and let the person know you would like to talk on the phone. Lie and tell them you're not good at texting. 3. Get to the first date after a phone call or two. 4. After the first date is over, ask whether or not they would like another date. If they say yes, schedule it then and there. If they can't commit without checking their schedule, say "Okay, I'll call you on Thursday night" or "Okay. Call me on Thursday night." 5. If they don't answer on Thursday night or don't call you after having promised, move onto the next person. You can, obviously, do this for multiple people at once. The most I have casually dated at a time is 10 guys. The list quickly worked its way down to 3 and soon enough, one. You are SPOT ON. Looking back, the connections I made through OLD or IRL that fizzled out were based on getting to know each other through texting. My experience with OKC was that I got a lot of guys being really inappropriate with me, and it turned me off quickly. Besides that, I had some really intelligent conversations with people (emailing), good friend material, but nothing more. Or, I'd be incessantly stalked by the same 4 users every day, but they'd never message me, and it started scaring me a little, TBH. I met one guy in person from there, and he was really good looking but I could tell immediately that he had a bit of a short fuse; something was just not right. I decided to do a little research about him, and came to find out that he had cheated on and physically abused his ex wife. I actually flat out asked him about this - and he FLIPPED OUT ON ME (via text). I was about to delete my profile when I had one last look and saw a nice young man had "favorited" me. I checked his profile and saw that low and behold, he appeared to be very down to earth, genuine, good morals, etc. The next day, I wrote to him and told him I'd noticed he'd favorited me, but why hadn't he written? He explained that it was because he had been very busy, was in the process of buying a house, and that he intended to write me soon. Well, from there, he asked if he could call me. From that night on, we talked on the phone for a good hour each night for over a week. On our first date, it was like we'd become good friends already (we had). We've been together 10 months now. 1
Mr_Flay Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Dating Rules I've always had good luck following when it came to OLD (OkCupid in my case): I agree with those rules, but the problem is that most people aren't acquainted with them, except maybe season online daters. And the title of a "seasoned online dater" is not usually something to be proud of. The fact is that there are a lot of girls online who have only recently registered for the first time, and are thus wary of strangers. You've got to build a connection with them before they feel secure enough to go on a date with you and, yes, it involves a lot of texting. If somebody agrees to a date too quickly or insists on one after only a few messages, it signals that you're dealing with a multidater. Many people will only go on a date if they've established some sort of a connection through online correspondence and that, sadly, takes a while. I'd like more people online to be more trusting and treat OLD as a tool for a first contact, and go on a date as soon as possible if they think they might like someone. 1
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Talking on the phone works real well when the woman is willing to give out her phone number. For some strange reason they don't seem willing to do that when first contacted, can't imagine why, even if they were favorited. By the way, I've always (last two months is my OLD experience) wondered if OKC indicated to a profile that someone added them to Favorites. How were you made aware the guy had favorited you?
salparadise Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I agree with Object_a. The best way to use it is as a means of finding large numbers of potential matches and initiating contact, or being available for them to contact you. Then quickly switch to email and phone to make it real and get away from thousand choices, perfect-people-picking, catalog mentality that is inherent to the medium. Then meet in person as soon as possible. Consider the ways it's radically different from making real life connections and use the differences to your advantage where you can and circumvent the limitations as best you can. One of the biggest advantages is that when you make a connection it's automatically assumed to be in the context of being interested in each other as dating/relationship partners, whereas in real life you have to convert a friendly conversation to romantic interest and that's often hard to do gracefully, and often where a guy will have his hat handed to him. The primary limitation as I see it is that it changes the order of operations from what nature intended. In real life the first thing we notice is attraction, and that is known almost immediately with little or no hard data about a person. We can scan a crowd of a thousand people and quickly identify two or three that trigger an emotional spark in us. We do it visually (3D not pics) and sometimes with hearing added in. If the attraction is strong for both, and if there is chemistry when you start talking, the person's data doesn't matter much––we'll accept a person based on the instinctual stuff alone. As more information is revealed we might eliminate a good prospect because the date is a complete mismatch, but we definitely do not require a 99% match (OKC terminology). With OLD we see a few pics (which are not a very good indicator of attraction/chemistry) and a lot of data. Sure we can eliminate a lot of misfits but it lacks the tools to identify who we will find strong chemistry with. The mistake people make is to think an excellent data match equals an excellent overall match with chemistry, and therefore the expectation tends to exceed the actual potential with those individuals that have a good data match. The solution is to simply meet a lot of people until you find great chemistry and mutual attraction, understanding that it's perfectly natural to go through many coffee dates and first meetings before you find it. The coffee dates equate to scanning the crowd of a thousand people. It is a numbers game, and I believe if you keep expectations in check and keep trying, there is a great chance of success. I found someone and carried on a long distance relationship for almost a year and a half, and after that ended found someone a lot closer within a few months. But I've also done a ton of coffee dates, walks in the park, phone conversations, etc. I think it's definitely worth it because I don't meet a lot of new people in real life situations and the odds of me meeting either of these women any other way are about as close to zero as you can get.
venusianx13 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Talking on the phone works real well when the woman is willing to give out her phone number. For some strange reason they don't seem willing to do that when first contacted, can't imagine why, even if they were favorited. By the way, I've always (last two months is my OLD experience) wondered if OKC indicated to a profile that someone added them to Favorites. How were you made aware the guy had favorited you? The thing is, after exchanging a few emails, I had no qualms about exchanging phone numbers. But then it turned into a texting fest. This was not only my experience with OKC, but Eharmony, and for a few guys I met in real life, as well. The ones who were inappropriate with me were cut off IMMEDIATELY, though. Anyway, I liked that my boyfriend wanted to actually engage in a real conversation right away. That told me something. You can set your account to notify you when someone adds you as a favorite on OKC. I'm not sure if you can favorite anonymously. I am not positive, but I do believe that there should be a list you can pull up of those who have favorited you. 1
SensitiveTJ Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I can't speak for others, but I was quite pleased with my time on OKC. I was active on the site for approximately 8 months. In that time, I went on dates with about 25 women who were very nice, for the most part. I really can't empathize with the guys who seem to struggle so much here, I thought OKC was great.
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Thanks for the info, venusian. There is a list of those who have rated you highly (and you get notified of it as well) but I didn't see anything about a place to see where you have been Favorited. Of course there's your own Favorites list. I will check again.
Disillusioned Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 OLD is a bit like spam. The one person in a thousand who gets positive results from it is what keeps it from going the way of the old video dating services that were around 25 years ago.
FitChick Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) The first I met for a dinner one night, good guy and all but I knew once he said "I think most people are looking for a text buddy" that this wasn't going to go anywhere. I sent a text that I was going to Pittsburgh for the weekend, he said "Ok, see you when you get back" and never heard from him again. Because you have low self-esteem you assumed he just wanted to text yet he actually took you out. He was saying that he wanted real dates and not texts. You dumped him and expected him to pursue you? So many of you are your own worst enemies. Edited March 22, 2013 by FitChick
Mr_Flay Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Livedandlearned, relax man, no need to get your pants all in a bunch over my post. Be cool. Don't you know girls are more attracted to calm guys? It's obvious that you have a different line of reasoning, but you must permit, at least for the sake of argument, that people are vastly different. What appeals to you might not appeal to everyone. Not everybody treats OLD like speed dating, and some are there – imagine that! – merely to chat and meet new people, without the pressure of having to impress anyone. I too like having female friends, and have acquired several through OLD. You should try it sometime! As for actual dating, when I say people are wary, I mean they really want to become comfortable enough with someone before they go out and meet them in a cafe. There are genuine concerns about one's safety. I advise you not to put too much stock in this "friendzone" theory and start paying attention to real life instead. Not everything you read on the Internet is 100% true. There's a vast corpus of real-life examples where people talked for months online or were friends offline before they became lovers. Your anxiety to push things forward at all cost doesn't help the situation. I never said I keep talking to girls after they blow me off... Rather, I message them for a week or two, and usually they're the ones that ask ME out. Obviously I'm doing something right, no? 1
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