Emilia Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 It varies. But even with the strangers, inevitably we find that we run in a similar circle of friends. Isn't your anxiety eased when you know the man fairly well?
curlygirl40 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I'm not sure if I'm going to be of any help here, or if I'm just mostly commiserating but I go through the same thing. I'm good through the first handful of dates, but then once I start to develop real feelings, I start to feel so VULNERABLE that my girlfriends have to talk me off the ledge. Once I decide that I'm in, then I start worrying that my feelings aren't reciprocated and I start to worry about putting my heart out there and being hurt, and it's hard for me to just enjoy my time getting to know this person. The only way I've been able to really calm myself is to remind myself that this is the only way to go about it. If I put up a wall and don't allow myself to get close to someone, don't allow myself the opportunity to really feel something for someone else, well...that's just no way to live. So it's a risk. The only way to do it is to put yourself out there and know you are taking a risk and that you might get hurt, but like the country song says 'I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all'. I'm trying to be much better at living in the moment, and I've been doing some reading on it as well. I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is, and not worry about what it's not. It's a necessary process. It's the only way you'll find real love is to love openly and without fear. Sometimes I do wonder if it's easier to just keep to myself where I am the only person who can dictate how I feel that day. When I put my feelings/thoughts on to someone else, I then feel like I'm putting my happiness into someone else's hands, and I'm not comfortable with that. It's scary. The only way I handle it is by trying to be as 'cool' as possible around them and not spend any time trying to 'fish' for information about how they feel about me. Time tells all tales. If I'm feeling anxiety I will talk it out with my gf's and let them talk me down. Best of luck!! 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Isn't your anxiety eased when you know the man fairly well? No, actually. It isn't. The anxiety isn't guy-dependent at all, and relates solely to my feelings for him.
carhill Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Since the topic title mentioned 'every', do you, when considering or engaging in romantic relations, fear a loss of control? You appear to say the anxiety becomes most marked when you feel 'you like him'. Any thoughts on that? 1
curlygirl40 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I posted my comment without reading other posts on the thread. I noticed that someone else (Jane?) said something about expectations. That's where I fall short as well and something I'm working on. I know I quote a lot of songs but another line in a Gin Blossom song 'don't expect too much from me and you might not be let down'. When I don't have expectations of how something will go, when I just try to go with the flow and live in the moment, my mind is more relaxed. When I have an expectation about how something will end up, then I am making myself more vulnerable to the outcome and it freaks me right out. It's a hard 'skill' if you will. I struggle with it all the time. Enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow. There's a lot written about it, have you ever read anything on Taoism? It's helped my mind settle down I think. I'm actually very relaxed with the guy I'm dating now. I thought he was doing the fadeaway on me but he's picked up contact and we have our 5th date planned for next week. But the funny thing is, since I'm so much more relaxed with him it makes me think 'gee, maybe I'm not that into him' because usually at this point I'm freaking out. So I'm not sure if all of my focus on living in the moment has helped me evolve or what. Great thread topic!! 1
curlygirl40 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Since the topic title mentioned 'every', do you, when considering or engaging in romantic relations, fear a loss of control? You appear to say the anxiety becomes most marked when you feel 'you like him'. Any thoughts on that? Good questions. Can you pinpoint what you're most afraid of? Putting your happiness in someone else's hands? Losing a great guy? Getting hurt? Not getting to fulfill your wish of having a husband and starting a family? Does it help if you actually focus on the worst case scenario for a moment? You've been through pain before regarding relationships and came out stronger, so what if you think it through in your mind and realize that you're a strong, resilient woman and you'll be fine no matter what happens?
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Since the topic title mentioned 'every', do you, when considering or engaging in romantic relations, fear a loss of control? You appear to say the anxiety becomes most marked when you feel 'you like him'. Any thoughts on that? Good questions. Can you pinpoint what you're most afraid of? Putting your happiness in someone else's hands? Losing a great guy? Getting hurt? Not getting to fulfill your wish of having a husband and starting a family? What do I fear? Hmmmm. I don't think I fear losing control, or putting my happiness in someone else's hands. When I feel this anxiety, I think I'm fearful of losing out on a great guy, of being rejected AGAIN, of getting hurt, of getting farther away from my dream of love/family. Does it help if you actually focus on the worst case scenario for a moment? You've been through pain before regarding relationships and came out stronger, so what if you think it through in your mind and realize that you're a strong, resilient woman and you'll be fine no matter what happens? You'd think it would help, but when I'm in the throes of anxiety, all I can think about is pain... Not that I survived before and came out fine, but that I experienced pain, and when the anxiety comes on, it's because I fear experiencing that pain again.
tuxedo cat Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Do you think you ever act on you anxiety in ways that push the guys you're dating away? If you decide not to act on the feelings maybe they will be less scary to you because you will know that at least you have some control over them. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 ...and when the anxiety comes on, it's because I fear experiencing that pain again. Life is full of pain - and joy. No matter who you are, you can't escape it completely. Even when you fall madly in love and create a wonderful family with a great guy, you will still feel pain. I'm good friends with two married couples who are overall very happy and seem pretty much perfect together. Both the men and women in these couples have vented to me many times (sometimes in tears) about problems in their relationships. I've gotten much better at accepting that pain is part of life, and sometimes I will be sad, dejected, nearly hopeless. Now I get that it always passes, and good times will return. Accepting it rather that avoiding and fighting it makes it pass more quickly and... less painfully. 1
tbf Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Star, what do you think of this article? Dealing With Fear At the Source 1
Kamille Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 SG! I saw a thread of yours awhile ago, but it was already up to a lot of pages, so I couldn't catch up. Anyway, nice to see you again! This thread hits a lot of notes with me. A part of me just thinks it's somewhat normal to get anxious when you realize that you like someone. But I, like you, seem to push it too far. I think I do it because my sense of self-worth is somewhat attached to what the guys I like think of me. And this means many things. I am plenty confident in myself. Where I stumble is that I am absolutely not confident in guys' feelings for me, and I don't see how I ever could be. Experience has kinda pulled the rug out from under me, over and over again. Like you, I am very good at being lovable. When I like a guy and the anxiety kicks in, I can pretty much play it so that he falls for me. I want to learn to stop doing that because, in my opinion, this is precisely why I get the rug pulled out from under me after one or two years with a guy. It's also why I keep choosing the wrong guys. I'm trying to teach myself to be ok with things not working out the way I want. In other words, I want the next guy who falls for me to love me, for me, flaws and all, without me having to "manage" myself. It's really hard for me to do, because it means ignoring the anxiety and the behaviors they trigger (acting cool when I am not, distancing when I feel threatened, etc.) And to tell you the truth, I'm so used to these behaviors that I don't actually know any other roadmap. I am on a road I never travelled. I don't seem to have this anxiety when we're actually on a date or spending time together. During those moments, I'm actually pretty confident. It's like the moment we part, and I find myself like daydreaming about him or something, and realizing that I really like him, that the anxiety sets in. It's annoying as F and making me feel almost obsessive. Same here. I figure it's because, when I'm with them, I feel like I have "control" over the situation. I can play at being awesome Kam, they always respond well to it, but what I'm learning is that it actually doesn't mean they're right for everyday Kam. It also often means that I end up coddling them in the relationship. I am really talented at making a guy feel awesome about himself. I'm not saying your case is the same as mine, but I wrote this out because, if it is, I think it's worth thinking about. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Star, what do you think of this article? Dealing With Fear At the Source I suffer from "What if?/Uncertainty Syndrome"! 1
Janesays Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Jane: My life outside of my love life is completely full and fulfilling. I do all the things you already suggested. I have several activities that I enjoy regularly. I have great friendships. I'm very involved with two charitable organizations, my work does a greater good and will leave a mark... But that's not enough. It's just not. I don't find it at all helpful to suggest that I need to feel so fulfilled with my current life that if I NEVER found true love or ha a family that I should be okay with that. Humans aren't meant to be solo creatures. OK, if you don't find it helpful, don't do it. But there is no reason to get so defensive about it. It's really disheartening when you go out of your way to TRY to help and type up something thoughtful only to be met with hostility. I'm just tossing ideas out here....just like everyone else. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything that resonated with you, but please recognize that I WAS trying to help.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 OK, if you don't find it helpful, don't do it. But there is no reason to get so defensive about it. It's really disheartening when you go out of your way to TRY to help and type up something thoughtful only to be met with hostility. I'm just tossing ideas out here....just like everyone else. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything that resonated with you, but please recognize that I WAS trying to help. I wasn't hostile at all. I do appreciate your help. I just don't personally find it helpful to be told that I should be happy without the ONE THING that I've always wanted for my life. I don't think it's in any way unreasonable or weird or unhealthy to want love or family in my life, and telling me to think that I'll be okay without it just doesn't make sense to me.
Janesays Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I wasn't hostile at all. I do appreciate your help. I just don't personally find it helpful to be told that I should be happy without the ONE THING that I've always wanted for my life. I don't think it's in any way unreasonable or weird or unhealthy to want love or family in my life, and telling me to think that I'll be okay without it just doesn't make sense to me. OK, going into a big thing about how your life is wonderful is defensive....even weirder since I reread my post aloud to my fiance and neither one of us could see an attack. I never called you weird or unreasonable. Those are YOUR words, not mine. I simply explained what has worked for me. I have never really been in your position, so I am most likely the weird one. After 2 years of dating, I have a man who buys me flowers every Sunday, keeps the house tidy when I have to work late, blows my mind in the bedroom and is probably one of the most loyal and kind men I have ever known. But I also know that if I lost him, I would still be happy. He is not the end all, be all of my existence and honestly? I think he knows that and I think that is part of the reason he is attracted enough to me to WANT to spend his life with me. Again, maybe you and I are just very different people with very different experienced. That's OK because the world would be mighty boring if we were all the same. But I really believe everyone can learn something from everyone else if they are open to it and don't shut down completely every time someone says something they don't like. I wish you well, Star, and hope you get your fairy tale ending soon.
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