EVERY dang time: ANXIETY!

[Star Gazer]

EVERY single time I start dating someone new, the moment that I think, "Hmm, I like this guy, I'd be bummed if I didn't see him again," a pretty intense anxiety sets in. It could set in after a few months, or just a couple dates - it's dependent solely on when I get that, "I like this one" feeling. It's a pit-in-the-stomach feeling, with a racing heart, almost like panic.

 

The anxiety is a sort of, "Gah, he doesn't like me as much as I like him!" feeling. Sometimes in retrospect, that feeling is warranted - he's not that into me. But other times, it's totally unwarranted, and just as soon as the anxiety sets in, he does something to show me he's still totally in it... and yet, the anxiety doesn't turn off completely. It clearly has nothing to do with the guy and/or his behavior, but rather some switch in ME that flips and makes me start wigging out.

 

This is making me not enjoy the dating experience at all, and likely makes me behave in bizarre ways that turns guys off. Objectively, I don't do or say anything weird, but I believe in "vibes" and "energy" that can't be objectively explained... it's that which I think I'm giving off. I feel like I stop acting comfortable in my own skin, or something... and they pick up on it, even when not physically in each other's presence.

 

Anyone have any ideas how to combat this?

[MrCastle]

Scared of commitment?

[xpaperxcutx]

Instead of thinking every new guy that comes along is the one, accept that they may end up being incompatible with you.

 

If you have a better outlook that every date is something that's going to be fun and enjoyable, maybe the anxiety will go away.

 

Think: I'm single, smart, educated and beautiful and I'm going to have a good date with no expectations.

 

When you have that mindset, it comes through in your persona and your outer appearance.

[Star Gazer]

Scared of commitment?

 

I don't think so. It's what I want more than anything, and somehow I convince myself that they don't want the same thing I do... with, or without me.

 

It's almost paralyzing.

[Star Gazer]

Instead of thinking every new guy that comes along is the one, accept that they may end up being incompatible with you.

 

If you have a better outlook that every date is something that's going to be fun and enjoyable, maybe the anxiety will go away.

 

Think: I'm single, smart, educated and beautiful and I'm going to have a good date with no expectations.

 

When you have that mindset, it comes through in your persona and your outer appearance.

 

How do you date without expectations, when your heart wants something?

 

I mean, it's not that I expect anything to come from these dates, or these dating situations that turn into regular dating, but I sure HOPE that they do. How do you manage to avoid having HOPE?

[Ruby Slippers]

Anxiety is basically fear - nagging, biting, plaguing little fears. There are a lot of ways to counterbalance fear. One of the best is to do something that gets you out of your head and into your body - like dancing, or anything physical that makes you feel happy and alive. Basically, do instead of think. You can do this alone, or while you're with him.

 

Also, I highly recommend doing some ongoing reading and discussion with friends about this topic. I read books about subjects relating to this and have several friends I talk to about this stuff. This one friend in particular has an amazing attitude, and nothing keeps her down for long. She called me a couple of weeks ago feeling all worried about things with her guy, and she vented it all out to me, and was laughing and having fun by the end of the call. I used to do the same thing with her when I was worrying about things with my guy. It really helps.

[MrCastle]

Are you confident in yourself? Or do you think these men are too good for you or something? You have to try and find the source of this anxiety.

 

As far as not having expectations when it comes to the dating stuff, you just have to live life with the intention of having fun, pleasurable experiences.

 

Don't try to tell yourself you need X man by X time or anything like that. Don't place time constraints or restrictions on your dating. Dating should be fun, not anxiety inducing.

[Star Gazer]

Are you confident in yourself? Or do you think these men are too good for you or something? You have to try and find the source of this anxiety.

 

I am plenty confident in myself. Where I stumble is that I am absolutely not confident in guys' feelings for me, and I don't see how I ever could be. Experience has kinda pulled the rug out from under me, over and over again.

[Lani]

Anxiety is basically fear - nagging, biting, plaguing little fears. There are a lot of ways to counterbalance fear. One of the best is to do something that gets you out of your head and into your body - like dancing, or anything physical that makes you feel happy and alive. Basically, do instead of think. You can do this alone, or while you're with him.

 

I 100% agree with this advice.

I can be like you, and get all in my head and then turn into a total moron about things.

I have found that if I'm kept busy then it's much much better.

Make your dates fun, like dancing, carnivals, hiking, etc. Things that you have to focus on, rather than just being with him. And before you know it, you've already let yourself go around him and things won't seem so confusing and the pressure will ease.

[Star Gazer]

I 100% agree with this advice.

I can be like you, and get all in my head and then turn into a total moron about things.

I have found that if I'm kept busy then it's much much better.

Make your dates fun, like dancing, carnivals, hiking, etc. Things that you have to focus on, rather than just being with him. And before you know it, you've already let yourself go around him and things won't seem so confusing and the pressure will ease.

 

I don't seem to have this anxiety when we're actually on a date or spending time together. During those moments, I'm actually pretty confident.

 

It's like the moment we part, and I find myself like daydreaming about him or something, and realizing that I really like him, that the anxiety sets in. It's annoying as F and making me feel almost obsessive.

[MrCastle]

I am plenty confident in myself. Where I stumble is that I am absolutely not confident in guys' feelings for me, and I don't see how I ever could be. Experience has kinda pulled the rug out from under me, over and over again.

 

I think we've all been there, but if you, like me, truly believe in "energies" then you know they can be controlled. It's no coincidence when I start to have the same feelings you are now, the relationship I have gets strained.

 

You have to keep your thoughts and feelings positive or it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Lani]

I don't seem to have this anxiety when we're actually on a date or spending time together. During those moments, I'm actually pretty confident.

 

It's like the moment we part, and I find myself like daydreaming about him or something, and realizing that I really like him, that the anxiety sets in. It's annoying as F and making me feel almost obsessive.

 

Ahh, ok.

Well, if you're ok then when you're with him then that's a bonus. He doesn't know about the crazy

 

Have you tried meditation? I find when i'm really obsessing over anything, it helps me relax and see more clearly.

That's really all I can suggest... Sorry!

[Ruby Slippers]

I am plenty confident in myself. Where I stumble is that I am absolutely not confident in guys' feelings for me, and I don't see how I ever could be. Experience has kinda pulled the rug out from under me, over and over again.

I think the most surefire way to be magnetic and attractive to men, and to ignite their feelings for you, is to light yourself up and have fun in their company. As long as you're doing that, what's not to love? Don't worry about the results - you really don't have much control over that, and worrying is only going to gum up the works and get in the way of any magic that may unfold.

 

I'm moody and sensitive, and I have many quirks and flaws. But when I get with a man, he generally gets swept away, and they never forget me. Why? Because I know how to enjoy myself and how to enjoy a man.

 

Also, keep in mind that when you meet a really good match, it takes a LOT to screw it up. The greatest love of my life (so far) was just crazy about me, and would let almost anything slide. He loved me when I was up, he loved me when I was down, he loved me when I was mad at him, he loved me when I was blah and disappointed in myself.

 

So there's really no reason to worry. When the connection is good, you can almost do no wrong. And if you have to date a few more guys to get to that guy, fine - moving on from a poor match is not a bad thing. It frees you up to meet a good match.

[Star Gazer]

I think we've all been there, but if you, like me, truly believe in "energies" then you know they can be controlled. It's no coincidence when I start to have the same feelings you are now, the relationship I have gets strained.

 

You have to keep your thoughts and feelings positive or it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Gah, I know. And that makes me not only anxious, but scared.

[Star Gazer]

I think the most surefire way to be magnetic and attractive to men, and to ignite their feelings for you, is to light yourself up and have fun in their company. As long as you're doing that, what's not to love?

 

I am pretty lovable...

[todreaminblue]

EVERY single time I start dating someone new, the moment that I think, "Hmm, I like this guy, I'd be bummed if I didn't see him again," a pretty intense anxiety sets in. It could set in after a few months, or just a couple dates - it's dependent solely on when I get that, "I like this one" feeling. It's a pit-in-the-stomach feeling, with a racing heart, almost like panic.

 

The anxiety is a sort of, "Gah, he doesn't like me as much as I like him!" feeling. Sometimes in retrospect, that feeling is warranted - he's not that into me. But other times, it's totally unwarranted, and just as soon as the anxiety sets in, he does something to show me he's still totally in it... and yet, the anxiety doesn't turn off completely. It clearly has nothing to do with the guy and/or his behavior, but rather some switch in ME that flips and makes me start wigging out.

 

This is making me not enjoy the dating experience at all, and likely makes me behave in bizarre ways that turns guys off. Objectively, I don't do or say anything weird, but I believe in "vibes" and "energy" that can't be objectively explained... it's that which I think I'm giving off. I feel like I stop acting comfortable in my own skin, or something... and they pick up on it, even when not physically in each other's presence.

 

Anyone have any ideas how to combat this?

 

 

breathe through it.....deep breaths, and try and think of something else even for just a little while.....i cant explain why you get anxiety.....i can only share a slice of mine

 

 

i have just developed over the past week something i call the chest bop...because my heart has been skipping beats quite alot....to get rid of my anxiety...i listen to music and do the heart beating out of my chest move cant think at the moment it has a hip hop name anyway....i perfected it for me, i dont have to use my hands....and i find if i do some serious dance moves and concentrate on the movement i forget what i was thinking about other than the movement..........and concentrate on the movement.......music might not be suitable for you....concentrate on your breath going in and out of your body dont concentrate on anythign else but that.......feel any tension you are feeling from your finger tips to your toes go through each body part and flick it out, feel it leave as you identify where you are feeling tension, by relaxing that body part....good luck....hope i helped....deb

[Janesays]

No expectations was the key for me. You say hope is what is standing in your way....hope of having more. As if your current life is lacking and/or unfulfilled.

 

Before you can go into the dating scene completely open and without expectations...you have to REALLY dig deep and say to yourself, "self, my life is pretty awesome as is. If I never ever have another boyfriend/husband again and I die single, I am completely OK with it as my life is well lived."

 

Say that until you believe it.

[Star Gazer]

No expectations was the key for me. You say hope is what is standing in your way....hope of having more. As if your current life is lacking and/or unfulfilled.

 

Before you can go into the dating scene completely open and without expectations...you have to REALLY dig deep and say to yourself, "self, my life is pretty awesome as is. If I never ever have another boyfriend/husband again and I die single, I am completely OK with it as my life is well lived."

 

Say that until you believe it.

 

What if I don't believe that to be true? If I were to die without having found true love and starting a family, that would not be okay by me. It just wouldn't.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah I know what you mean. And it's hard not to feel this way, because things just didn't work out so many times in the past. I actually go a notch above when I really like a guy and can't really think or do anything else. That's why when I know I need to focus on something else in my life, I just don't date.

 

The anxiety is hard core, to the point where I feel this impending doom. "He is not that into me". "He will never contact me again" "I will never see him again". The moment we part. I sometimes come across as overly desperate because I like to have a set time and place for the next date before the current one ends. That makes me relax a little. I send a text, and as minutes or hours tick by, my anxiety increases if he doesn't respond. Sometimes I turn my phone off just so I wouldn't wait to hear it beep.

 

This is ONLY when I really like someone which hasn't happened in a really long time. When I am lukewarm about a guy, I don't care, I don't think about him much and if he doesn't respond to a text, I only realize it 2 days later :S

[Star Gazer]

Yeah I know what you mean. And it's hard not to feel this way, because things just didn't work out so many times in the past. I actually go a notch above when I really like a guy and can't really think or do anything else. That's why when I know I need to focus on something else in my life, I just don't date.

 

The anxiety is hard core, to the point where I feel this impending doom. "He is not that into me". "He will never contact me again" "I will never see him again". The moment we part. I sometimes come across as overly desperate because I like to have a set time and place for the next date before the current one ends. That makes me relax a little. I send a text, and as minutes or hours tick by, my anxiety increases if he doesn't respond. Sometimes I turn my phone off just so I wouldn't wait to hear it beep.

 

This is ONLY when I really like someone which hasn't happened in a really long time. When I am lukewarm about a guy, I don't care, I don't think about him much and if he doesn't respond to a text, I only realize it 2 days later :S

 

Yup. I'm the exact same way, literally, every single word.

 

I probably shouldn't have jumped into dating again after the last jerk, but I did... and I'm feeling this way now, after only two dates. Two really, really great dates. And he's a good egg. I just know it. He's a good one. I don't want to wig out and make him think I'm crazy, but I *am* feeling pretty crazy.

[Titania22]

I am the same, I also get that anxiety. I have had it in other areas of my life as well, everytime I really want (the thing) to succeed, the anxiety hits. I have learnt breathing exercises to help calm to done so I can move forward. But when it come to men (since the human element is so unpredictable), for me it has just seemed better to abstain.

[Janesays]

What if I don't believe that to be true? If I were to die without having found true love and starting a family, that would not be okay by me. It just wouldn't.

 

Then MAKE it true.

 

I think people, in general, want to feel that they are important or that their life has a point. So if they haven't established personal and/or private connections to the world, they think marriage and children is the ONLY way that they can feel important. Sorta like, "my job sucks and my friends, while fun, don't really NEED me. But I'd I had a husband and kids, THEY would definitely need me and make my life worth living."

 

The problem is you back yourself into a corner where, unless you have a husband/kids, you tell yourself you life is pointless and devoid of meaning.

 

I say, find other important things to do. For me, I believe my work is important, the field that I am needs me, and the work I do will impact others when I'm gone. You can also get involved in a 'greater good,' like a charity or political movement. Foster abused children, help animals, fundraise to cure cancer.

 

If your love life us lacking, there are plenty of ways to feel life fulfillment outside of marriage/kids.

[Star Gazer]

Jane: My life outside of my love life is completely full and fulfilling. I do all the things you already suggested. I have several activities that I enjoy regularly. I have great friendships. I'm very involved with two charitable organizations, my work does a greater good and will leave a mark...

 

But that's not enough. It's just not. I don't find it at all helpful to suggest that I need to feel so fulfilled with my current life that if I NEVER found true love or ha a family that I should be okay with that. Humans aren't meant to be solo creatures.

[Emilia]

 

Anyone have any ideas how to combat this?

 

Do you date men that you already know socially to a degree or do you date strangers?

[Star Gazer]

Do you date men that you already know socially to a degree or do you date strangers?

 

It varies. But even with the strangers, inevitably we find that we run in a similar circle of friends.