My ex is being very inconsiderate!

[SSSoto]

I'm very confused. Less than a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me, telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship with me and that it was too much. I've known this guy for ten years, and he's been my best friend most of those years... When we started dating it really felt like I had found my one true love, and he told me he felt the exactly same. He was scared of commitment before me, but when we got together he told me that he hoped to marry me someday. I was his very first love. We had a couple of fights because we've got different oppinions and he has a hard time with feelings, but it wasn't really that much compared to other relationships... Mid february we started fighting a bit more than usual, and suddenly he just broke up. I was devastated, but he didn't change his mind. He promised me that he would never give up on me and never let me down... He just kept saying he was sorry, and he didn't even understand why he felt that way, but that he still loved me. The first week after our breakup we had a couple of fights because we couldn't get over each other, but then I stayed away for some days, and we started talking again as if we were strangers. He contacted me first... Then the following weekend we actually went back to normal, and we even started flirting again. But then he started talking about our past relationship, and it ended with a discussion, and I think he felt it was a fight once again, even though I told him I wasn't angry, just confused... He avoided me the next couple of days, and I just let him be; figured he just needed time. Then on the following friday I went out, and he apparently decided to go out too - even to the same place, I was going. But he arrived first, and then told the friends, I was going with, that he didn't want to see me and asked if I could stay away. I was shocked and very angry and hurt, so I decided to go anyway, and not give him that pleasure.

But it was a mistake. An ex-friend of mine was there too, and she badmouthed me, and he didn't even say anything. It really hurt, but I didn't know what to do. Some of my friends talked to him, and they told me he really didn't care about me anymore, but I couldn't believe that; I wanted him to tell it straight to my face. So I asked him to come and talk to me, but he refused... I was heartbroken.

The day after I called him and asked if he really didn't care about me anymore. He said that he still loved me, but he was very angry with me. I didn't understand why, but I just said I felt the same way, and that I wanted to cut contact completely for a while. He agreed, and afterwards I deleted him everywhere; facebook, skype, phone, etc.

Now, almost a week later, my friend told me she just saw him post on another girl's wall that he wanted her to come and hug him. It wasn't just any girl; it was the girl, he dated before me, and that he knew I felt very threatened by. I don't understand how he could do this to me; has he really completely moved on? Doesn't he have any kind of respect towards my feelings? What's happened to him? I really feel like I don't know him anymore, and it's really hard considering I grew up with him... Please help me, I don't understand what's going on! Is he just using her to make me jealous or hurt my feelings, or has he completely lost any kind of love, he had for me?

 

Please help! Thanks

[Kaiten]

Holy crap. You are getting hurt left and right by this guy. I almost want to give you my number and talk you through some things.

 

From what i read, there isnt enough information about him, his ex, and how his past relationship affected the recent one. If i had to hazard a guess, i would say his ex is probably quite a attractive and their relationship never ended emotionally. I have an ex gf right now that i would love to be able to hold whenever im feeling down. The reason why? Because i still love her. I still have feelings for her.

 

You are getting torn apart here. I feel your pain. Get away from him. If i were you i would go NC. Its almost like he really wants to intentionally hurt you. That would mean he has some deep-seated inner issues of his own. If he really does love you then he did not move on. His ex is probably playing rebound. Go NC. Thats really all you can do right now.

[SSSoto]

Alright, I can see you haven't got enough information... I'll tell you a bit more about him then.

 

Well, he isn't into her. I know that, and I know I'm the only one, he's ever really loved or been in love with. His ex and him were never even together, it was just a fling; she actually had a boyfriend, so she cheated on him. He didn't really feel anything for her though, and I know 'cause I talked to him while they were dating.

 

And about him... All his life he's been locking away feelings to make sure he wouldn't get hurt, so when he fell in love with me he didn't even realize because he couldn't recognize his feelings. And now his emotions seems to be getting out of control, so he took a step back.

 

I know that I'm a better catch than his 'ex' (they were never even togeter), 'cause he said so himself that he thought I'm a lot more attractive than her. I'm just confused about why he's acting like this... Well, my point is that his relationship with the other girl never was very serious; they didn't even have sex (actually I was the one to take his virginity).

 

Does this help a little?

 

Anyways, thanks so much for the reply and the support! It means a lot (':

[Eddie Edirol]

Sorry to tell you this, but he doesnt owe you anything, you guys are BROKEN UP. That means he can date anyone he wants and doesnt have to consider your feelings. Matter of fact, you went looking for him, and thats why youre hurt. YOu cant ask why he isnt considering your feelings when you keep searching for him and get hurt by what you find. When you cut him off, its supposed to be completely, and you make sure you DONT find out anything about him. he moved on probably months before he broke it off with you, which is why he was so adamant about it. So you need to be considerate of your own feelings and stop looking for updates from him, for your own healing purposes. Even if its the girl before you that he said he didnt like, which was obviously a lie, he can see whoever he wants, and so can you.

Its not his job to have respect for your feelings, you guys are no longer together and he isnt hanging on to you, he has to move on and so do you.

[SSSoto]

Sorry to say, but your reply just shows how ignorant you are about this situation. To be honest, I haven't been keeping an eye on him - I was the one, who broke off contact, and we agreed that it was only for the time being. And he couldn't have considered breaking up months before, since we were only dating for three months, and we were very happy up till only two or three days before he broke off. Besides, he's my best friend, and he said he never would want to hurt me, so maybe he does not 'owe' me being respectful of my feelings, but he should at least be decent enough as a person to be considerate. My friend told me about the post on facebook because she thought that I should know, not because I've been asking her to look after him for me. He wasn't in love with the girl, he dated before me, and thus he couldn't be 'not over her'. Thanks for your reply.

[Kaiten]

It sounds to me like he is looking to close the emotional gap in his life now that he has broken up with you. It seems you still love him. If you take this guy back you need to make it clear that he cant just up and leave you whenever he cant sort out his feelings. At any rate, distance yourself away from him for the time being. Dont allow him to have access to you while he does his single thing. Remember whats allowed in the beginning of a relationship will be expected throughout. Are you wanting to be back with him?

[Confused2themax.]

Wow, u sound like me... 10 year relationship and everything. I didnt understand how he could walk away so easily and act as if I were never nothing to him. He never even tried to call and work things out. In my opinion, if he loved me as much as I loved him, he would have never left...

[Confused2themax.]

But I am sincerely sorry that u had to go through anything like this, and like all of us here we are just looking for ways to cope... I dnt doubt that u are more attractive than her, u were probably an amazing friend to him as well, butI was watching a show where they said that your mate must want to be with u and not need you...

[Kaiten]

 

Thats very true. Needing a mate always turns to trying to control. And as we all know, control is not good at all. If they cant control then they will flip out. Its in human nature. Whenever we "need" something we try to control it.

 

money, water, food, gasoline, natural resources, etc. Controlling inanimate objects is fine. But you are a living, breathing, beautiful girl with a soul! You can find someone else. Dont you continue to tolerate this behavior if you and your ex make up

[ThatJustHappened]

First of all, your friend is a b*tch. She shouldn't be talking about him to you, especially not something like that. Tell her to keep her mouth shut from now on.

 

Second, as another poster above said..he doesn't owe you anything. He's not your boyfriend anymore and he doesn't need to consider your feelings when he posts on other girls' walls or goes out to a club. I know it hurts and it feels weird and awful but it's true.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Maybe it's time to block this guy from every aspect of your life.

[CC12]

Sorry to say, but your reply just shows how ignorant you are about this situation.

 

I don't understand your attitude. Someone took the time to give you their opinion, which you asked for, and you call them ignorant. The people replying are only going on the facts that you've written. And surely their intentions are to help you. So maybe listen and consider things before you insult them and completely dismiss them.

 

As you might have guessed, I agree with the people who said that he owes you nothing. I understand why you're under the impression that he should act a certain way because he once said stuff like, "He promised me that he would never give up on me and never let me down." That's confusing, for sure. But he's actually treating this as a pretty clear breakup, so that promise he made is kind of meaningless now, right? He is clearly moving on and dating other people. I'm sorry for your breakup, but it's surely for the best, yeah?

[SSSoto]

It sounds to me like he is looking to close the emotional gap in his life now that he has broken up with you. It seems you still love him. If you take this guy back you need to make it clear that he cant just up and leave you whenever he cant sort out his feelings. At any rate, distance yourself away from him for the time being. Dont allow him to have access to you while he does his single thing. Remember whats allowed in the beginning of a relationship will be expected throughout. Are you wanting to be back with him?

Thanks, I think you're right! I also already decided that with myself... Yes, I do want him back, 'cause I love him very much and I actually was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him. I talked to one of his friends, and he told me how he was feeling; he told me that he himself has experienced something like what my ex is going through, and that he only learned years later that he threw away great relationships because of that. He talked to my ex yesterday, and he told me that he made him think things over... And that I shouldn't be worried about the post on facebook. Thanks!

[SSSoto]

But I am sincerely sorry that u had to go through anything like this, and like all of us here we are just looking for ways to cope... I dnt doubt that u are more attractive than her, u were probably an amazing friend to him as well, butI was watching a show where they said that your mate must want to be with u and not need you...

I don't know, I just think he's confused as well... I really hope that he realizes that he's being an idiot though, 'cause I still want him in my life; at least as my best friend.

[SSSoto]

First of all, your friend is a b*tch. She shouldn't be talking about him to you, especially not something like that. Tell her to keep her mouth shut from now on.

 

Second, as another poster above said..he doesn't owe you anything. He's not your boyfriend anymore and he doesn't need to consider your feelings when he posts on other girls' walls or goes out to a club. I know it hurts and it feels weird and awful but it's true.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Maybe it's time to block this guy from every aspect of your life.

Please don't say she's a bitch, she's just trying to help. If there's anyone I trust, it's her. I've known her all of my life, and she has never let me down once. Otherwise thanks for your reply!

[SSSoto]

I don't understand your attitude. Someone took the time to give you their opinion, which you asked for, and you call them ignorant. The people replying are only going on the facts that you've written. And surely their intentions are to help you. So maybe listen and consider things before you insult them and completely dismiss them.

 

As you might have guessed, I agree with the people who said that he owes you nothing. I understand why you're under the impression that he should act a certain way because he once said stuff like, "He promised me that he would never give up on me and never let me down." That's confusing, for sure. But he's actually treating this as a pretty clear breakup, so that promise he made is kind of meaningless now, right? He is clearly moving on and dating other people. I'm sorry for your breakup, but it's surely for the best, yeah?

Sorry, it's just that I get upset when people treat this as if I never meant a thing to him, 'cause I know that's not true. Thanks for your reply!

[ThatJustHappened]

Please don't say she's a bitch, she's just trying to help. If there's anyone I trust, it's her. I've known her all of my life, and she has never let me down once. Otherwise thanks for your reply!

 

Except now. A good friend wouldn't have told you that. Please, for your own sake, tell her to keep that stuff to herself from now on. It's not going to make you feel better to know things like that.

[Eddie Edirol]

Sorry to say, but your reply just shows how ignorant you are about this situation. To be honest, I haven't been keeping an eye on him - I was the one, who broke off contact, and we agreed that it was only for the time being. And he couldn't have considered breaking up months before, since we were only dating for three months, and we were very happy up till only two or three days before he broke off. Besides, he's my best friend, and he said he never would want to hurt me, so maybe he does not 'owe' me being respectful of my feelings, but he should at least be decent enough as a person to be considerate.

 

Havent been keeping an eye on him, but you go to a party that he requested you dont go to, but you "decided to go anyway, and not give him that pleasure"? You were happy 3 days before he broke it off, he was not. He was paying you lip service, might want to look that up. It will happen again.

 

1.) If you were only together three months and he didnt want to be with you, he either knew there was something about you he didnt like at least a month ago, or you annoyed him so much during the last fights that he decided he had enough.

 

2.) You can get back with him, but this situation will happen again unless you guys fix what the core problem between you is.

[SSSoto]

Havent been keeping an eye on him, but you go to a party that he requested you dont go to, but you "decided to go anyway, and not give him that pleasure"? You were happy 3 days before he broke it off, he was not. He was paying you lip service, might want to look that up. It will happen again.

 

1.) If you were only together three months and he didnt want to be with you, he either knew there was something about you he didnt like at least a month ago, or you annoyed him so much during the last fights that he decided he had enough.

 

2.) You can get back with him, but this situation will happen again unless you guys fix what the core problem between you is.

I was invited first? He KNEW I was going, when he decided to go, and then he asks me to stay away. I don't think that's fair? And I don't want him to decide for me whether I go or not.

 

But he was happy, I told you. And we have known each other ever since we were children. Besides, I've talked to one of his friends, and he told me it wasn't me that was the proplem... It was because he got scared of his own emotions or something like that.

 

Anyways, thanks for your reply, and I'm sorry I was rude in my other reply. I will consider what you told me (:

[Eddie Edirol]

I was invited first? He KNEW I was going, when he decided to go, and then he asks me to stay away. I don't think that's fair? And I don't want him to decide for me whether I go or not.

 

But he was happy, I told you. And we have known each other ever since we were children. Besides, I've talked to one of his friends, and he told me it wasn't me that was the proplem... It was because he got scared of his own emotions or something like that.

 

Anyways, thanks for your reply, and I'm sorry I was rude in my other reply. I will consider what you told me (:

 

Ive seen women send their friends to send lies my way, thinking it will lessen the hurt from the rejection. Their friends also dont want to see the color drain from your face by telling you that your ex found someone he thought was a better fit, so they lie too in an awkward situation. Reasons like "its not you its me" is way too vague, and usually bullshyt. Either he is too immature to tell you the real reason he broke it off, or he is just screwed up in the head emotionally.

 

Maybe someone else can chime in, but I dont usually believe the whole running away because they are "afraid of their emotions" excuse. Theres always a real reason, and 50% of the time its not divulged. Usually because its a reason that you cant do anything about, which is why they hide it. Not only that, (and Ive been in this dumper situation) when you tell someone the real reason, many time they cant accept it, and wont leave you alone, because they want to convince you they can change their essence. Rarely happens.

 

People lie when they break it off with you. As someone who is in the ether and still in love with them, you still believe what they say and they know you do, and use it to their advantage. I think in months down the line, as the ether is lifted, you will start to remember clues that things were wrong that you cant see now.

[SSSoto]

Ive seen women send their friends to send lies my way, thinking it will lessen the hurt from the rejection. Their friends also dont want to see the color drain from your face by telling you that your ex found someone he thought was a better fit, so they lie too in an awkward situation. Reasons like "its not you its me" is way too vague, and usually bullshyt. Either he is too immature to tell you the real reason he broke it off, or he is just screwed up in the head emotionally.

 

Maybe someone else can chime in, but I dont usually believe the whole running away because they are "afraid of their emotions" excuse. Theres always a real reason, and 50% of the time its not divulged. Usually because its a reason that you cant do anything about, which is why they hide it. Not only that, (and Ive been in this dumper situation) when you tell someone the real reason, many time they cant accept it, and wont leave you alone, because they want to convince you they can change their essence. Rarely happens.

 

People lie when they break it off with you. As someone who is in the ether and still in love with them, you still believe what they say and they know you do, and use it to their advantage. I think in months down the line, as the ether is lifted, you will start to remember clues that things were wrong that you cant see now.

I still know my situation a little better than that, so I hold my oppinion. But thanks, I appreciate your insight (: