Am I an idiot to try dating a guy who's cheated?

[StanMusial]

Sure it's obvious. He's hot and she has low self esteem.

 

This isn't rocket science.

 

 

You have to lead the horse to water to see if she'll drink it.

 

Oh well feck it she's already caught in the web anyway.

[DontWorryBHappy]

To the question of how his ex found me: I was the most recent girl he added on Facebook, so she just assumed it was me (and she was right).

 

I expected the comments about self esteem and whatnot, because that would be typical in this case. But to be honest, I am already aware that this guy isn't long term material right now. If someone with a cleaner past came along I would be gone. He isn't "hot". I would say slightly above average. But uh, none of that matters anyway. In a sense I'm probably using him a little..being that if he wanted a relationship I wish say no. Not using him for sex, more like for companionship/relationshipy activities.

 

Why didn't I go with someone else? I'm considered above average in looks, but I'm introverted as hell. It's hard to meet enough potentials because of it. I barely talk to people when I'm out.

 

In any case maybe I'll decide this isn't worth the effort and drop it.

[salparadise]

I think it's something of a no-brainer that the odds are much greater that this guy may cheat in the future based on the fact that he's cheated in the past, compared to someone who has had plenty of opportunity and chose not to. Everyone understands that including the OP. But... she's still interested in him because he cuddles well, or whatever.

 

I don't think it's a given or some sort of predetermined destiny. It just shifts the odds in that direction. I'm sure there are many people, men and women, who have succumbed to the temptation at some point in their past, vowed never to repeat, and never did. People are redeemable, able to change, they make mistakes then regret, learn and develop past the place they were when they made the mistake.

 

Kohlberg identifies three levels of morality. 1. pre-conventional- avoidance of consequences, 2. conventional- social conformity, 3. post-conventional- principled conscience (these are simplified- each level has two subdivisions). I think that if the guy is level 3 then there is a good chance he could be a faithful partner. The reason I think he may be level 3 is that it would've been very easy to lie about it on the OKC questions, and a level 2 person would be likely to do that.

 

So, OP if I were you I'd be skeptical for sure, but I'd also try and access where this guy sits on this scale, and where you are as well. If you're both #2 you might have an exciting, entertaining and drama filled relationship for awhile. If you're #3 and he's #2 I'd say end it. If you're both #3 it might work.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I think it's something of a no-brainer that the odds are much greater that this guy may cheat in the future based on the fact that he's cheated in the past, compared to someone who has had plenty of opportunity and chose not to. Everyone understands that including the OP. But... she's still interested in him because he cuddles well, or whatever.

 

I don't think it's a given or some sort of predetermined destiny. It just shifts the odds in that direction. I'm sure there are many people, men and women, who have succumbed to the temptation at some point in their past, vowed never to repeat, and never did. People are redeemable, able to change, they make mistakes then regret, learn and develop past the place they were when they made the mistake.

 

Kohlberg identifies three levels of morality. 1. pre-conventional- avoidance of consequences, 2. conventional- social conformity, 3. post-conventional- principled conscience (these are simplified- each level has two subdivisions). I think that if the guy is level 3 then there is a good chance he could be a faithful partner. The reason I think he may be level 3 is that it would've been very easy to lie about it on the OKC questions, and a level 2 person would be likely to do that.

 

So, OP if I were you I'd be skeptical for sure, but I'd also try and access where this guy sits on this scale, and where you are as well. If you're both #2 you might have an exciting, entertaining and drama filled relationship for awhile. If you're #3 and he's #2 I'd say end it. If you're both #3 it might work.

 

Wow that's very insightful. I suppose my question is whether he is level 2 or 3..I'll look into this more. I like the intelligent perspective. Thanks.

[Ninjainpajamas]

To the question of how his ex found me: I was the most recent girl he added on Facebook, so she just assumed it was me (and she was right).

 

I expected the comments about self esteem and whatnot, because that would be typical in this case. But to be honest, I am already aware that this guy isn't long term material right now. If someone with a cleaner past came along I would be gone. He isn't "hot". I would say slightly above average. But uh, none of that matters anyway. In a sense I'm probably using him a little..being that if he wanted a relationship I wish say no. Not using him for sex, more like for companionship/relationshipy activities.

 

Why didn't I go with someone else? I'm considered above average in looks, but I'm introverted as hell. It's hard to meet enough potentials because of it. I barely talk to people when I'm out.

 

In any case maybe I'll decide this isn't worth the effort and drop it.

 

This guys a fool, most cheaters make the most idiotic mistakes it's just simply that women want to believe they are that "special girl" or the one that's going to change it all...and the fact that you can't take a hint and run after some random girl messages you about his history and his BS then you deserve the dunce cap IMO.

 

It's like knowing a car has major engine problems but you decide to drive across country anyway hoping that maybe it's going to make it because it's running fine now, but then you're stranded in the middle of the desert somewhere actually "surprised" it just suddenly broke down...because of how well it was running in the city.

 

The guy is just simply playing game on you...but go ahead, find out the hard way, and guess what...it was more than likely 3 women he's cheated on, not to mention how many he's cheated with.

 

You think it's on fun and games now..but then you'll get emotionally involved, especially if he's got any game because cheaters know the game better than genuine/honest guys...they know how to create a facade, of what you think is the "perfect guy", because they're playing your little peanut brain which isn't that hard once you start becoming emotional....once a girl is emotional invested nothing else matters, she could have all the facts in the world (look at the posts on LS) and she'll still be thinking her situation is different/special/unique.

 

You need to take some solid advice and trust those who are more experienced/wiser than you especially when they're the "enemy"...I've been a cheater myself, and I'm telling you to run, but If you want to play with fire, you're going to get burned. This guy doesn't even seem to have a sympathetic string about what he's done, which is classic of a guy who's going to continue cheating onward...women settle for the most ridiculous explanations of a man's past...and a woman like you, is exactly the kind of girl he will be preying on.

 

You have a history and pattern of getting involved with choosing the wrong men and rebounding, you're going to be one of those emotional vulnerable women that cheaters love to manipulate and take advantage of because you'll take the most shet being dumped on your face only to have the nerve to actually wonder if it's actually shet.

 

If you can't have the sense enough to walk away from this guy at this point knowing the facts and having this girl contact you to warn you....then you're done, you're far gone and need to slap yourself a few times and wake the f up...women like you are the reason these guys will never have to stop cheating or feel bad about anything they've done, because they'll always be another girl just like you that thinks you can change/fix him...which already tells me you have self-esteem/worth issues...which is exactly what a half-@ss cheater like this guy is looking for.

[DontWorryBHappy]

conclusion:

 

The drama continued today when his ex somehow found me on OKCupid (after I had blocked her on Facebook) to yet again warn me that she had seen him last night hanging with two girls at midnight. And following with, "I tried to warn you" and "it looked like he was hitting on them". So today he messages me on my phone asking how I am, and telling me about how he had met with two high school friends last night. So at that point I'm thinking, the ex once again is trying to "warn me" yet it sounded legitimately possible that he really was hanging with his friends, and this girl is just angry.

 

I decided that the truth wasn't as important anymore as the fact that I don't want to deal with the drama and risk. I told him that he's a risk..was getting my thoughts together. the final straw was when he sent me this text:

 

"yea she's pretty angry. in all honesty I may decide one day that I want to move on and leave you, with or without a good reason. its part of the deal"

 

who on earth would say that to a potential partner? He says he was just speaking matter-of-factly..and that it was just a realistic statement about relationships. I disagree..to me it says that he's missing something important in his personality.

 

So I told him he's a risk and too unstable, suggested a pure friendship, no physicality whatsoever, or moving on. he seems to have taken the friendship.. Who knows, maybe he's more cut out to be a friend. in any case I told him to screw whoever he wants because I won't be screwing him. so yeah. the end.

Edited March 22, 2013 by DontWorryBHappy

[kaylan]

Friendship?

 

How about you just not talk to this guy. Youre already attracted to him and enjoy his physical contact, and based on your previous posts, if you guys remain friends, I can see him sucking you into a hook up.

 

Just move on and not talk to him at all. Let him enjoy his crazy exes who cannot seem to get over him and move on. I mean, what ex needs to warn someone new about their former partners behavior? That just seems obsessive...and not altruistic at all.

[DontWorryBHappy]

aaand apparently she just keyed his car. yea definitely staying away. she might decide to murder me or something if I don't. lol

[kaylan]

Yeah...this is why I dont date people who have exes floating around their lives at all. WAY too much drama.

[DontWorryBHappy]

there will be no being "sucked in".. friends or whatever we are will equal no physical contact beyond maybe a hug. If he tries I'm gone. basically, I do enjoy his company on non physical levels and he has some skills that im attempting to develop (computer programming, for one) so I don't want to cut ties yet. but trust, this will be on my terms or not at all.

[kaylan]

Uh uh...every girl says that. Ive had girls say that to me. And I laugh at it, knowing that if a girl is attracted to me, and enjoy my touch, I can get by that.

 

Like I said, you dont need this losers friendship. Especially not with crazy exes following behind in tow. You barely know this guy and seem unable to go no contact...and I dont buy your reasons. Its the attraction whether you want to admit it or not. Its not about learning skills from him.

[DontWorryBHappy]

im gonna prove you wrong Kaylan, and then im gonna post about it! lol

[kaylan]

Bring it on lol.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Friendship?

 

How about you just not talk to this guy. Youre already attracted to him and enjoy his physical contact, and based on your previous posts, if you guys remain friends, I can see him sucking you into a hook up.

 

Just move on and not talk to him at all. Let him enjoy his crazy exes who cannot seem to get over him and move on. I mean, what ex needs to warn someone new about their former partners behavior? That just seems obsessive...and not altruistic at all.

 

You gotta remember it's a competition for women to tie down the unavailable man. So this brings out the nature of the beast...because women like to fight for men, over men, and not even for the man himself...but just to best the other...so they can say they "won". Women are in constant competition with each other.

 

In all honesty, this other girl is not so much trying to "protect" the new girl, as she is still currently trying to still win the man. You would think this is foolish, of course it is...but that's what many women do, for men it's to conquer...for women it's to gain the man that they think is at the top of the totem pole because other women are after him as well, this is why the "players" continue to get pu$$y even after the fact...and this whole pretend "friendzoned" Dontworrybehappy is trying to pretend she can impose...he'll get her too eventually, and she'll be strung along like a line of ducks like the rest.

 

That's what "love" is these days

[2sunny]

aaand apparently she just keyed his car. yea definitely staying away. she might decide to murder me or something if I don't. lol

 

Crazy gal for sure - following his every move - including who he friends on FB?

 

Sounds like he was still involved with her on some level - or unfinished business.

 

If a gal contacted me at all - and had prior dating experience with a guy I was seeing - I'd reply with "I never asked for your input/ opinion, don't contact me again".

 

It's good you cut him out - he's full of too much negative energy!

[DontWorryBHappy]

You gotta remember it's a competition for women to tie down the unavailable man. So this brings out the nature of the beast...because women like to fight for men, over men, and not even for the man himself...but just to best the other...so they can say they "won". Women are in constant competition with each other.

 

In all honesty, this other girl is not so much trying to "protect" the new girl, as she is still currently trying to still win the man. You would think this is foolish, of course it is...but that's what many women do, for men it's to conquer...for women it's to gain the man that they think is at the top of the totem pole because other women are after him as well, this is why the "players" continue to get pu$$y even after the fact...and this whole pretend "friendzoned" Dontworrybehappy is trying to pretend she can impose...he'll get her too eventually, and she'll be strung along like a line of ducks like the rest.

 

That's what "love" is these days

 

Ah come on, despite what you think, not everyone fits a mold. I hope I meet a dashing young, honest man and maybe this guy and I can still chat about the nerdy things that we do like music and computers. im not trying to win anyone. starting today I consider myself back on the dating market.

[ThaWholigan]

You gotta remember it's a competition for women to tie down the unavailable man. So this brings out the nature of the beast...because women like to fight for men, over men, and not even for the man himself...but just to best the other...so they can say they "won". Women are in constant competition with each other.

 

In all honesty, this other girl is not so much trying to "protect" the new girl, as she is still currently trying to still win the man. You would think this is foolish, of course it is...but that's what many women do, for men it's to conquer...for women it's to gain the man that they think is at the top of the totem pole because other women are after him as well, this is why the "players" continue to get pu$$y even after the fact...and this whole pretend "friendzoned" Dontworrybehappy is trying to pretend she can impose...he'll get her too eventually, and she'll be strung along like a line of ducks like the rest.

 

That's what "love" is these days

Love = DOOM I TELL YOU!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ah come on, despite what you think, not everyone fits a mold. I hope I meet a dashing young, honest man and maybe this guy and I can still chat about the nerdy things that we do like music and computers. im not trying to win anyone. starting today I consider myself back on the dating market.

 

There's no reason for you to entertain the thought of even having a guy like this in your life...no reason. You just simply thinking you can befriend a "player" (a horribly idiotic one at that), and that he won't try to take it to the next level is naive, and you know that...you know it's a dumb idea, so why are you continuing to "keep him apart of your life?"

 

The only thing that saves you is this guy is that he's a complete moron (which the fact that you are even intrigued by this guys makes me question your own common sense)...he doesn't even know what he's doing, and you're already mixed up in drama with him.

 

Here's the deal, keep him in your life but don't come kicking and screaming like a baby-child that he is stringing you along, and you're so heartbroken and really thought you had something special because of ::insert this excuse:: and he's an idiot that said this or that and because you wanted to believe it you "gave him a chance".

 

You don't even realize how typical as typical you are acting...everything you're saying or doing has been done 100 times over and you THINK you have some control...women are emotional, you are emotional, once he taps into that then everything will change. But you're doing the typical thinking you can "control your feelings"....It NEVER happens, never! Why do you think guys get away with murder? because they have a brain larger than a walnut or because of a woman's feelings?

 

I am constantly baffled at the point of view with women that are attracted to guys that pull the strings like that...I have no idea how you can be entertained by some a complete [email protected] you have any standard or expectation? or do you befriend any simple minded guy you come across? or are you just too simple-minded to see how simple this guy is?

 

This is what the "nice guys" don't get...this is what the "good guys" don't get...how such a "supposed" woman who claims to want such a "dashing, honest man and yadda yadda yadda" but will settle for sleeping/flirting/spending quality time with douchebags in the meantime...because for men it makes all the sense in the world that you'd surround yourself by a guy who doesn't meet the "standard" yet you still will be involved in his life in some capacity....what do you think that makes you look like to the "good guy"? like a complete idiot who deserves what she gets...and you have to ask yourself, if this is the kind of guys you are wasting your time with..then why in the world do you deserve a "good man"? do you think "good men" want to waste their time with a woman who calls herself a "good catch" yet wastes her times and emotions with guys who they'd consider scum? HA!

 

Sorry, you make the choices you make...guess what? you get those kind of men in your life, and nobody can change that but you, but go ahead...keep pretending to date other men while getting more emotionally wrapped up in this idiot then be "surprised" when you're emotional and want something with him.

 

If you didn't "fit the mold" you would have been long gone many red flags ago...you are showing that you are EXACTLY the mold with your decisions....all you need really is the actions to put the seal on it.

 

You saying you won't "do this or that" with men is irrelevant to men...because women often prove they will say one thing and do another, especially men who have had any experience with cheating.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[ThaWholigan]

There's no reason for you to entertain the thought of even having a guy like this in your life...no reason. You just simply thinking you can befriend a "player" (a horribly idiotic one at that), and that he won't try to take it to the next level is naive, and you know that...you know it's a dumb idea, so why are you continuing to "keep him apart of your life?"

 

The only thing that saves you is this guy is that he's a complete moron (which the fact that you are even intrigued by this guys makes me question your own common sense)...he doesn't even know what he's doing, and you're already mixed up in drama with him.

 

Here's the deal, keep him in your life but don't come kicking and screaming like a baby-child that he is stringing you along, and you're so heartbroken and really thought you had something special because of ::insert this excuse:: and he's an idiot that said this or that and because you wanted to believe it you "gave him a chance".

 

You don't even realize how typical as typical you are acting...everything you're saying or doing has been done 100 times over and you THINK you have some control...women are emotional, you are emotional, once he taps into that then everything will change. But you're doing the typical thinking you can "control your feelings"....It NEVER happens, never! Why do you think guys get away with murder? because they have a brain larger than a walnut or because of a woman's feelings?

 

I am constantly baffled at the point of view with women that are attracted to guys that pull the strings like that...I have no idea how you can be entertained by some a complete [email protected] you have any standard or expectation? or do you befriend any simple minded guy you come across? or are you just too simple-minded to see how simple this guy is?

 

This is what the "nice guys" don't get...this is what the "good guys" don't get...how such a "supposed" woman who claims to want such a "dashing, honest man and yadda yadda yadda" but will settle for sleeping/flirting/spending quality time with douchebags in the meantime...because for men it makes all the sense in the world that you'd surround yourself by a guy who doesn't meet the "standard" yet you still will be involved in his life in some capacity....what do you think that makes you look like to the "good guy"? like a complete idiot who deserves what she gets...and you have to ask yourself, if this is the kind of guys you are wasting your time with..then why in the world do you deserve a "good man"? do you think "good men" want to waste their time with a woman who calls herself a "good catch" yet wastes her times and emotions with guys who they'd consider scum? HA!

 

Sorry, you make the choices you make...guess what? you get those kind of men in your life, and nobody can change that but you, but go ahead...keep pretending to date other men while getting more emotionally wrapped up in this idiot then be "surprised" when you're emotional and want something with him.

 

If you didn't "fit the mold" you would have been long gone many red flags ago...you are showing that you are EXACTLY the mold with your decisions....all you need really is the actions to put the seal on it.

 

You saying you won't "do this or that" with men is irrelevant to men...because women often prove they will say one thing and do another, especially men who have had any experience with cheating.

Maybe the "good men" and "nice guys" should learn how to pull those emotional strings that the "douchebags" are so good at doing - without using it for "dark purposes". They see it as beneath them because they are "nice" and "good" when there is nothing immoral about it. "Nice" and "good" is great for women, but it doesn't make the gina tingle by itself .

 

But I'm a noob so don't listen to me .......

[DontWorryBHappy]

alright. if it blows up in my face I promise I won't whine about it. so do you think that when he sent me that text, about how "in all honesty one day I may want to move on and leave you with or without a good reason", was that just a statement that someone makes if they are a jerk, or is there any rational reason for it? To me it just seemed like a douche bag thing to say for anyone

Edited March 22, 2013 by DontWorryBHappy

[StanMusial]

Maybe the "good men" and "nice guys" should learn how to pull those emotional strings that the "douchebags" are so good at doing - without using it for "dark purposes". They see it as beneath them because they are "nice" and "good" when there is nothing immoral about it. "Nice" and "good" is great for women, but it doesn't make the gina tingle by itself .

 

But I'm a noob so don't listen to me .......

 

I was trying to get more info but Dr. Seuss objected.

 

I do not like green eggs and ham.

 

I do not like them or give a damn.

[RedRobin]

There are some who believe that there is no such thing as 'cheating' unless you are married (I'm talking about heterosexuals here).

 

I'm not a fan of the so-called 'exclusive' discussions people have. Obviously, if you haven't made a life-time commitment to someone, then if you find someone else you like better... it isn't cheating. It is 'dating'.

 

However, if they have a habit of being dishonest and lack integrity in the way they enter into relationships, how they switch partners, or do not provide full-disclosure, then that just makes the person a poor choice to commit to and you move on.

 

Would be good if people made that distinction.

 

Dating is dating (including living together, IMHO). Marriage is a commitment. Everything in between is just semantics in my book.

 

How does this apply to the OP? Well, if he's not married to them, then he's not cheating. Otherwise, you decide if he's conducted his personal affairs with enough respect and dignity to take a chance on him. This applies to ONS, FWB, or open relationships too...

[RedRobin]

You gotta remember it's a competition for women to tie down the unavailable man. So this brings out the nature of the beast...because women like to fight for men, over men, and not even for the man himself...but just to best the other...so they can say they "won". Women are in constant competition with each other.

 

In all honesty, this other girl is not so much trying to "protect" the new girl, as she is still currently trying to still win the man. You would think this is foolish, of course it is...but that's what many women do, for men it's to conquer...for women it's to gain the man that they think is at the top of the totem pole because other women are after him as well, this is why the "players" continue to get pu$$y even after the fact...and this whole pretend "friendzoned" Dontworrybehappy is trying to pretend she can impose...he'll get her too eventually, and she'll be strung along like a line of ducks like the rest.

 

That's what "love" is these days

 

oh baloney. Not all of us are into competition. Some of us have self-respect and other priorities in life. Since I work around all men, I'm pretty good at getting some kind of cooperation without f*cking them. If I didn't, I wouldn't be in this job. So, I suppose it is possible for the OP to utilize her influence skills in some other ways. She'll have to present a pretty good case for collaboration that doesn't involve him getting a piece of *ss though. Not easy to do. Especially if she doesn't have a handle on the dynamics of her own attraction and weak points.

 

That said, I never have understood how some women can act like a complete idiot over a guy who obviously doesn't respect her or other women. *shrug* I wouldn't take the friendship/professional advice of any guy who acted like that. I wouldn't trust him in other areas of life either... waste of time.

[kaylan]

alright. if it blows up in my face I promise I won't whine about it. so do you think that when he sent me that text, about how "in all honesty one day I may want to move on and leave you with or without a good reason", was that just a statement that someone makes if they are a jerk, or is there any rational reason for it? To me it just seemed like a douche bag thing to say for anyone

Why in the world would you want to be friends with someone who says that?

[ascendotum]

alright. if it blows up in my face I promise I won't whine about it. so do you think that when he sent me that text, about how "in all honesty one day I may want to move on and leave you with or without a good reason", was that just a statement that someone makes if they are a jerk, or is there any rational reason for it? To me it just seemed like a douche bag thing to say for anyone

 

Maybe he feels remorse over cheating now, so instead of going behind your back he will just break up with you (when you get in a relationship). So now he wont cheat, but when some sexy new girl gets him all hot & bothered, he will just end your relationship. In all honesty, he is being honest here and is also telling you his/your future, and when he does move on from you, and you complain, he will refer back to this conversation, about how he told you he likely would before you got seriously involved with him.

Edited March 22, 2013 by ascendotum