DontWorryBHappy Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) I'm sure this subject has probably been delved into before... forgive me if I've just missed it. Recently I started seeing a guy that I met online. He's very intelligent, articulate, and enjoyable to be around so far. After we had been talking for a little while (and after I had met him a couple times for dates) I decided to look at some of the questions that he had answered online (the questions on OKCupid that you answer upon joining). He went through a pretty good amount of questions and provided a lot of information that I hadn't yet learned about him. From his answers I found out that he had cheated in the past. Of course I brought it up, because it's obviously a concern. He said he had cheated on three girls, that it was "a conscious decision at the time", that he apologized to all of them, and that he's now made "a conscious decision to stay true." Of course that could be bull, or maybe he's had some kind of transformation. I can't tell yet. In any case, a day or so later his ex, who he apparently had an open relationship with, had somehow found me on facebook and messaged me out of the blue, to "warn" me about "all the **** he did" to her. Apparently he cheated on her (how does one cheat in an open relationship?), and lied to her about things. Of course I also brought this up to him, like "hey.. so your ex just stalked me on facebook, and what do you have to say about what she said?" sort of thing. He said she's a little crazy, that it was an open relationship, etc... The girl is unstable (she later messaged me again complaining that she isn't beautiful enough to date, and asking ME why he left her....). Then again, this guy hasn't seen a lot of stability in his past. (Cheating, open relationships, etc). I'm very torn. So far he's been great with me. He's been attentive, seemingly interested in getting to know me, and when I'm around him something in me really believes that he enjoys having me around and spending his time with me. He's told me that he feels comfortable around me, and we do get along really well, have awesome chemistry, and sort of melt in each other's arms, laugh, all the stuff you'd want to have. However, the other part of me feels that maybe it's just an act. What if this is how all of those other relationships started? Why should I be naive enough to think that I'm the girl he's been looking for, the one he wouldn't cheat on? Am I that girl, or am I just the fourth girl to be cheated on who will be conned like the others? I really don't know, but what I do know is that I'm doing what I can to keep my wall up (even if he doesn't know that). I'm also taking comfort in the fact that we aren't in an official relationship at this time (it's only been around two and a half weeks that we've met), so he can't cheat on me if he's not my boyfriend..... I also think that it would be a very long time before I would consider taking that step. Anyway, I've never dated someone who has cheated on others.... but I have met other guys who have cheated on past partners. They all had one thing in common: they were repeat cheaters. One guy had cheated on his girlfriend of four years about a dozen times, and another guy had cheated on every girlfriend he ever had. Does anyone have a success story of dating a former cheater, and witnessing their reformed non-cheating ways? Or am I headed for a sure-fire train wreck? Edited March 22, 2013 by DontWorryBHappy
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Well i have heard of stories where the player hangs up his proverbial jersey...but im warning you now that i have never actually seen it happen. They say once a cheat always a cheat. I lean more towards the latter saying. If i were you i would take it SUPER slow with this guy. Well actually im only saying that because it appears that you insist on giving him a shot. Take it slow. it'll be a miracle if youre the one he commits to after cheating on three others. I believe in miracles, but i still keep a very practical head on my shoulders. Good luck Keep in mind that when couples start out they are often on their best behavior. Try as a girl might, the defensive wall will be torn down eventually. Thats how new love works. And sometimes "love" can cloud our mind. It can make us overly-optimistic. be careful! Edited March 22, 2013 by Kaiten
KatZee Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 There are way too many red flags to continue on with this person. He cheated on THREE people? It's not as if he cheated and deeply regretted it and has never done it since. He did it once, twice, three times and admitted it was a conscious decision. So he's a very capable cheater, and clearly didn't find a thing wrong with it. Secondly, you already have his ex's messaging you "warning" about him. And so far there are two stories. Her telling you he's bad news, him telling you she's crazy. ONE of them is lying and based on his track record I'm going to go ahead and say he's no angel. He's been good to you so far? He's going to be anything you want him to be in order to get what he wants. How did his ex even GET your information in the first place? Lets say he is some sort of reborn monogamist. He's got a crap ton of baggage trailing behind him! Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has ex girls crawling all out of the woodwork creating doubt and drama in the relationship? It's supposed to be about you and a partner, not you a partner and other girls. I'm sorry but you'd be out of your mind to continue with this. You've known him 5 seconds. There is nothing here to mourn the loss of. 4
trevzilla Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 don't, my ex was a serial cheater. It's a character flaw. They always blame their partners and circumstances but it's them. They will inevitably end up unhappy with whomever they are with and cheat. Don't put yourself through the heartache.
crude Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Some men simply aren't monogamous. They can't help themselves, they need to do what they have to do. Most men will cheat if given the opportunity. Women can be like that too, but the testosterone factor is just too much for most men. We cheat, no excuses.
StanMusial Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Wow. He cheats on THREE gf's and he admits to it ONLINE and you are still considering pursuing some sort of relationship with him? Geez he must look like Brad Pitt or something.
kaylan Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 OP...cheating is a deal breaker for me. If someone could cheat on a person they professed to care about in the past, they could do it to me. Id always be on guard about it. Go with your gut. If youd prefer to date a guy whos never betrayed someone, then find that guy. Ive never cheated, nor ever will. I want a similar gal
IAmRobot Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Decide if cheating is a deal breaker for you. Decide if it's worth pursuing someone who you know might cheat at one point and who you have invested only 2 weeks and a half. Also what makes you really think that he's serious with you? Has he actually expressed such thing... How do you know hes not pursuing another booty call or open relationship?
ja123 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 There are way too many red flags to continue on with this person. He cheated on THREE people? It's not as if he cheated and deeply regretted it and has never done it since. I agree: get rid!
kaylan Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 And this guy throws up so many red flags. Id move on OP. Im sure youll fall victim to the chemistry...but Id find a better guy than this. Ps - In some open relationships, theres an agreement that youll run new people by your partner before dating them. Its possible he was just doing whatever he wanted without talking to his ex
MrCastle Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 http://www.phillytemps.com/files/2012/09/redflags1.jpg 2
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I wouldn't do it, no way. I agree that cheating is a major character flaw, and if he could do it to those three women, he could do it to you. A person has to have very different values than I do to cheat. I have female friends who have cheated before, and even though they don't do it anymore, I've noticed that they have far fuzzier boundaries regarding what's OK while in a relationship than I've ever had.
miss_jaclynrae Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 In my mind, there is a HUGE difference between a cheater and someone who has cheated... once. 3 women? That is extreme. I am forgiving in the sense that if he had done it once and regretted it and felt like **** about it... but to do that to 3 women all by choice... No. I do know of some cheating situations where it worked, they are still together. That being said, each of them only did it once and had to work VERY hard to gain that trust back.
ascendotum Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 You will get answers from both sides of the coin. Its good you are considering these questions about him and going in without the blinkers on, but the trouble is it very hard to predict the outcome with someone like this. I don't believe the motto once a cheater always a cheater, but I do believe if a person has cheated before there is a higher chance they will do it again over someone who never has. I have friends who have cheated before and who can now hold their hand over their heart and swear they would never cheat on their current partner and appreciate what they got now...and now that they are in their late 30s and not as horny or over the drama, it does seem true. They left a bunch of broken hearts in their wake though. It just depends what girl/guy you are in their history. I thought owning up to it being "a conscious decision at the time" + he apologized to all of them all, was as good as a reply as any, Better than blaming it on being drunk at the time and didn't know what I was doing or because they were pissed off at their partner or thought their partner was cheating so got revenge or they were going through a rough patch and got confused. Justifications that could easily occur again in the future. He also could have said he did it just once and not been so upfront with you. If he is a great guy from what you can see so far, you could keep seeing him but keep yours eyes open to suspicious behavior over time, though some will think that's a ****ty way to have a relationship, where you have to be vigilant. The other aspect to this is the cheater will be great during the honeymoon period, and it will be further down the track that they might get itchy, but then you have invested in the relationship. I guess it depends on how many options you have and how well this guy fits your desirable man profile for you to take a punt. There are lots of people who are in relationships with past cheaters I reckon and don't realize it. I'd say I know 8+ x more people happy to admit to being victims than the perp (I realize serial cheaters account for some of the diff).
pbjbear Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yes you are being an idiot. Women need to take a leaf out of men's books and learn to think with their brains more and think with their emotions less 1
ThaWholigan Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 *goes devil's advocate* Is a former cheater beyond redemption completely?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 *goes devil's advocate* Is a former cheater beyond redemption completely? I say let them date other former cheaters. 7
mortensorchid Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Aside from the fact that he has confirmed the fact that he did cheat not once but twice but thrice on people in his past... He ADMITTED this in some cheesy OKC questionaire? THat is bad. I just posted on my OKC hang up today. Those questionaires are for self entertainment only as far as I am concerned. Why would he share it with the world like that? Cheating is a bad thing, no question, whether you are the one who is cheating or being cheated on. Hopefully, if and when it happens to you in some way, you will grow and learn from it for the better. As for you, I'd be wary about someone who not only cheated on their SO past, but admitted it to the world online. Think about that. You deserve better than that.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 hey all. Well you can probably guess that I'm going to keep seeing him. If only because I don't have all the information, I'd like to try to get it, and something in me thinks that I'm able to keep my wall up high enough that even if he is quite the jerk, I won't break down. Maybe I'm also addicted to his cuddling...he's the best dang cuddler I've been with. Also, maybe im just craving the attention because I haven't dated in a while. But I don't deny the red flags. I know they're everywhere..and I've been unlucky in love as it is..so a past like his probably doesn't raise the odds.. Thanks for the responses
2sunny Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 He creates way too much drama to even consider dating! Seriously - run away as fast as you can - in his past he's been a douche. He's not likely changed. It's not even worth wondering if or when he will decide to cheat next - his pattern tells you everything - he's a risk if you intend to be with a man that doesn't cheat.
Divasu Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 hey all. Well you can probably guess that I'm going to keep seeing him. If only because I don't have all the information, I'd like to try to get it, and something in me thinks that I'm able to keep my wall up high enough that even if he is quite the jerk, I won't break down. Maybe I'm also addicted to his cuddling...he's the best dang cuddler I've been with. Also, maybe im just craving the attention because I haven't dated in a while. But I don't deny the red flags. I know they're everywhere..and I've been unlucky in love as it is..so a past like his probably doesn't raise the odds.. Thanks for the responses This is very very worrisome. I think it's admirable of you to want to give people the benefit of the doubt and yes, people can and do change. But you are walking a very dangerous line that could potentially, ruin you for life. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Maybe I'm also addicted to his cuddling...he's the best dang cuddler I've been with. Dirtbag guys lay it on THICK up front - because they know it's not going to last long and they're never really going to commit. 2
ThaWholigan Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I say let them date other former cheaters. Good answer . Yeah, I'm with you guys, sticking this out is probably going to be a bad idea. OP, you would be wise to keep a balanced head and observe this one very closely. 1
2sunny Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Please don't think you can change him - you can't! The fact that he told you shows he expects you to accept that he will eventually cheat.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 hey, first how can this ruin me for life unless I let something ruin me for life? And how does anyone except me know how low my wall is? It's not low. At this point I can't see myself beginning a relationship with him. I said I will keep SEEING him.. He wants a relationship? Maybe I'll consider it in a year, if he's willing to go that long being a decent guy...not likely if deep down he isn't. If he's not my boyfriend, he can't cheat on me. Maybe what I'm getting at is: going about accepting that he isn't a good long term choice right now, but seeing him anyway and just enjoying the time anyway.. and if I find that he's messing with others, just nevermind it. I think maybe I'm just sick of relationship drama and just want to have a good time and some companionship.
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