Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I am very new to this so bare with me please..... I am in desperate need of advice, I recently broke up with the man I was with for 10 years. I did everything for this man to show him that I not only loved him, but was in love with him also. Over the last 4 years the road has been very very rocky. He would blame me for every problem that occured in our relationship but, lately I refused to let him blame me for something that I knew was not my fault, so we began to argue alot lately. Everytime an argument broke out he would just up and leave for days saying that he is giving me time to cool down and apologize to him... But for what??? His explanation is that he has never dealt with any arguing from any of his ex's and he cant start doing it now.. I then told him that he would not have to deal with anyone arguing with him if he was accountable for his actions and learn to apologize or fix things. My biggest question is, how do I stop caring and stop wanting to help??? I have helped him take care of things for our entire relationship. I had no problem with helping because I am naturally a nice and helpful person. How do I also get over the hurt of feeling like my best wasnt good enough????? Please, any suggestions
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 See a Counsellor, urgently. This isn't your fault. he may be a narcissist. They don't like being argued with or being stood up to.... Go - and stay in - No Contact. Complete and total. Read my signature/link. But yeah, if necessary go through your doctor for a referral to a counsellor.
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 My biggest thing was learning how to accept the fact that the person who you loved for so long could just turn their back on you. There could very well be a problem with him and being accountable for his actions, in fact, I know that there is a problem with him being accountable for his actions. My thing was just to seek out any advice from anyone who experienced heartbreak and how they dealt with it... Thats all
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 The issue is deep beneath the surface. There isnt a whole lot we can do for you here. I agreed with TaraMaiden before i even finished reading your post. See a counselor
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I know that I have to accept the fact that this relationship is over, but for some reason, its a little hard to completely let go, I have told myself in my mind that it is over, I just dont understand how someone could be so selfish and walk away as if 10 years is nothing. I dont know,maybe I am just wondering if he would ever see his role and feel bad for how he did me and his children. Or even bigger, I guess I am wondering if love was ever in the mist of all this time, or if I were just a helpful opportunity.
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 What i can say is that you were right to stand up to him. Whatever you do dont beat yourself up for this. I truly admire you for standing your ground and not letting this man verbally/emotionally abuse you. Go into NC mode. Get support from friends you trust. And see a counselor or a pastor or someone like that. Best of luck to you, mate
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yes it will be hard to let go of something youve had for 10 years. 10 years is half my life. Dont try to battle these thoughts in your mind! You will deplete your mental energy and depress yourself.
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 ok, Thanks Kaiten.... It was worth a shot... this was my first time on here and I thought that it would be a good networking tool, just to see how others overcame heartache, since this was my first time experiencing anything like this. But ok, it was nice visiting
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I take and receive everything from every post. I know that I am not perfect and I am a working progress trying to improve myself mentally everyday. I take appreciation in the little things like taking the time out to reply and possibly say something comforting to help others out... Thanks Kaiten and Tara for taking the time out to type and post something to me in an attempt to help me through this very confusing time 1
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 This site is a great networking tool. Learn from all of our mistakes. Learn how we overcome. Stick around Confused2themax. It gets better! I know its easy for me to say but its true. No one here knows enough about your ex to give applicable advice. But I can tell you that i ruined a relationship once because of issues that i hadnt dealt with. I dont know your ex's past but perhaps if i shared my own with you that might help you see how he thinks? (If he has a dark past, that is)
blue_jay_bird Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 My biggest thing was learning how to accept the fact that the person who you loved for so long could just turn their back on you. There could very well be a problem with him and being accountable for his actions, in fact, I know that there is a problem with him being accountable for his actions. My thing was just to seek out any advice from anyone who experienced heartbreak and how they dealt with it... Thats all There could very well be a problem with him and being accountable for his actions, in fact, I know that there is a problem with him being accountable for his actions. My therapist say's this all the time. (and im a kid with heartbreak) I think you should go to therapy right away. Don't blame yourself. Things get better.
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Yeah, he does have a deep dark past. I didnt know of his past before I fell for him and by the time I found out that he had a few issues I already loved him and wanted to help him break free from it. My big thing is, that I feel that everyone is cabable of change and you cant judge a person based on their circumstances because they can very well blossom into something beautiful. This is the first time that I gave up on anything. But this is also very well the longest relationship that I had been in. I guess that I had my blinders on and that I forced myself to see what I wanted our relationship to become and not what it really was. 1
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 The arguments were the biggest burden on our relationships, but like I said, he never admitted to his wrong... He just always said that I argued at him. I am a nice, helpful and sane individual, I didnt just argue out of the blue, something had to occur, but he didnt see that part
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I will just try that no contact rule, even though he doesnt contact me when he leaves anyway. I guess that I just have to enforce it. it is just amazing to me how a man could have a good woman and trade her in for something different so easy...... Can I ask a question.... Is there a difference between being someone that your mate wants opposed to being someone who they need????
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Ah i see. love can indeed cause us to see a person how we want to see them. And thats not always a bad thing. Everyone has individual problems that they need to work on in a relationship. And then there are problems that a couple has to work on as a team. This is a battle that he is going to have to fight. If he cant ever admit when he is wrong, then there isnt anything you could ever do for him. In my own experience, my dark past caused insecurity in myself because i thought what i had was too good to be true. I was even jealous of my ex in some ways. She knew of my past but didnt know how it was affecting my present. There are many things i have to overcome still. My first step was recognizing that i had a problem that was detrimental to togetherness and unity with my SO. Your ex will have to realize the same thing. It IS possible. But its not really all that likely. I wouldnt get my hopes up at this point. Stick to your NC Is there a difference between being someone your mate wants and being someone your mate needs? I would say there can be. But realistically, your mate should know both what he wants and what he needs himself. No one can know that better than they can. I think all relationships start out inclined toward the want. And as time goes by, they should mature, finding out by being together what each other need and how they can work together to accommodate each others needs. Thats how your ideal relationship should work, i'd say. Does that make sense? 1
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 wow, that really did it... Thank you
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 My only thing was having to accept that someone else would prompt him to change when I did everything for him. I worked, cooked, cleaned, took care of his business and my own, bought him little presents, cards, and sent loving texts. I felt that if I were to show him how much he meant to me that we could both overcome his past together. But maybe I was too nice and I took away the thrill of the chase that most guys love. Its ok, I'm not going to sweat it, I'm going to take steps to get over it.
Author Confused2themax. Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 So coming from a male perspective, there isnt a big difference between who a male wants and who a male needs huh? Because I though that if u were someone who your mate wants he would cling on to u more than he would if he just needed u.......
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Did he reciprocate any of the reaching out you did? It sounds like he didnt much. Yes, it would be a beautiful thing to see a couple overcome one's past together. I think that will happen with me when/if i decide to meet my father for the first time. Just one thing though. I have had a very rough past myself. My ex and i had made plans to overcome it together. She was a sweet girl. I know you and your SO broke up, but this is just fyi. Whatever you do, dont patronize your SO. That makes us feel weak when our partner treats us like we need fixing. As you and your SO go on that journey together, make sure that they are the one in lead. Dont rush it. Be patient with them and be aware that sometimes they will need to vent. (Thats not by any means an excuse for them to yell at you though) I think Will Hunting said it like this "Do I have a sign on my back that says 'Save me'?"...Dont patronize them. Just be there in anyway you can. Encourage them. And love on 'em Here is a perfect example. My ex girlfriend and i got into this same exact argument almost word for word. Go to youtube and search "Good Will Hunting - The breakup scene". She was only wanting to help but the way she said it made his defenses and insecurities rise up.
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 So coming from a male perspective, there isnt a big difference between who a male wants and who a male needs huh? Because I though that if u were someone who your mate wants he would cling on to u more than he would if he just needed u....... There is probably always some kind of difference there. But let's be honest. Who really knows what exactly they will need in a girl 5, 10, 15 years down the line? I can tell you this though, one thing all males want is to be respected. We need to feel like our SO takes pride in us. I heard a famous love doctor say once. "A woman needs love. A man needs respect. If a man doesnt feel respected he naturally reacts without love. If a woman doesnt feel loved she naturally reacts without respect." <- Its not a word for word quote but its the exact same message. As for the "want" portion, most guys just want a girl that they themselves are attracted to. She doesnt have to be a 9 or 10.
Kaiten Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Allow me to take you inside my mind. Lets say i see a girl. She is attractive to me. That checks off my first "want". So then i approach her and talk to her to see how funny she is. She's funny enough. That's my second check. Then we hangout a few times. From this i find out that she doesnt like the outdoors (which i do) but then i also find out she has passion, personality, and ambition. So thats three more "wants" i can check off. And the list goes on and on. A few years down the road, our relationship is established and we are trying to really make things work together. Now here's where i finally start to see what i truly need. I need a girl who will help take care of the house. Who'll work as a team with me to get the kids to and from school. And a girl who wont always say "I told you so" when i screw up. But I need to make it to that bridge before i worry about crossing it. The "needs" all depend on your lifestyle and situation later on. I hope this helps! Dont hesitate to ask questions. We help where we can!
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