Steve11 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I went against everyone's advice on here & tried everything to get my ex back. Today was the last day of trying & it made me sit back and actually look at what I was doing. She wasn't right for me. I had her up on that pedestal & thought she was gods gift, but she wasn't. I love the idea of being with someone, but not her. Why? I actually think I was in an abusive relationship. She's got drunk and spat at me, thrown stuff at me, verbally abused me, told me I'm sh*t, that she can do better etc She had problems when I used the kitchen, bathroom, got dressed, got underdressed, where I sat, how I ate. Nothing I could do to change helped. She would tell me time & time again, to which I would try and change things, but they were never good enough. I was scared of making plans with friends or family because she expected me to come straight home after work. She'd have a go at me if I had to go and do something around my house before seeing her. I felt like I was constantly treading on egg shells. I was scared at times to speak my opinion in case of making her mad. No-matter what I suggested we do or try to do she'd belittle me & say its boring or I should ask her where she wants to eat etc There were times when she was really loving and caring, but it could change in a heartbeat. I started to feel a tad worthless near the end. I'm generally and outgoing, confident bloke, but I just felt like nothing I did was good enough. I argued back with her & looking back, I shouldn't of, but I think it was my way of trying to get a hold back of the relationship, and to not be a complete door Matt. I don't think she'll change, because when I told her I made mistakes and I've learnt from them, she replied - great, so you learn with me and now you're going to treat some girl like a princess whilst I'm alone.... Yeah, yeah I am. I deserve better. 5
Author Steve11 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Looking back on it & after searching online, I've realised that I was in an abusive relationship. All the signals that they mention to look out for I was dealing with. She left me with little self worth & I think that's why I want so scared to lose her because I felt worthless! Anything I done wasn't good enough. Any mistake a made was because I was stupid & she likes to remind me that she could do better. It looks like its quite common for men to be on the recieving end of it. I wasn't perfect, but I shouldn't of gone through all this.
seriously-let-down Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Good stuff, now put your energy's into somebody who deserves them. Very similar to my story. Good luck...
Gingerxr2 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 You know what mate you have made me sit back and realise how similar our relationships were , and what's worse that it's becoming quite common . It's all about control and it's worse when the person that is receiving the abuse gets dumped because the abuser will always have the control . Well done mate for writing it down , sometimes that's the wrist part !!
IfiKnewThen Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 yeah it makes sense. when you wrote i love the idea of being with someone, but not her. i could relate to that. mine was abusive too to a degree. and selfish. everything seemed to be about them. this is an interesting article. wanted to share it with u. What are examples of a narcissist's behavior in a relationship anyway u sound like ur thinking clearly and God willingly that logic will help see you thru and heal you fast : )
Author Steve11 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Whenever we spoke, I always brought up the relationship saying "all I want is to give us another go blah blah" I really regret that now! 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully | A Shrink for Men Most of what is listed is what I dealt with. Going over & over the relationship, she did bring me down, would always be demeaning, making my sleep in the spare room for no reason, would dismiss anything good I've done & instantly turn it back to her. It's the constant critiscm that really messed me up because it did make me feel worthless, which is why I think I thought she was the only thing I could get. She has had a lot of previous relationships & the previous boyfriend got punched. So, I didn't do as bad. Don't get me wrong, there was times when I lost my temper or argued back, but I suppose if you kick a dog enough it's gonna bite.
Author Steve11 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 There was times when she'd be putting me down and constantly going on at me & I'd just sit there and take it, but on the inside, I'd feel like crying. It's ****ing mental. I really thought that I was the cause of everything & I was the catalyst of her actions, but I wasn't. It's the way she deals with relationships. Her family know she's hard work, they all toasted me at Christmas when she said that 'I put up with her for another year' Shes done it before & will do it again.
LMNO Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I just wanted to say thanks for the 2 links posted throughout this thread. In the midst of being lost and heartbroken, and missing my ex like crazy, I found them to be extremely helpful, and a bit confirming. I always kinda knew that my ex was that sort of person, a narcissist, but I guess you could say I was in denial. The links helped confirmed that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship as well. Gives me a little bit more hope than I woke up with. To all the posters above....I feel your pain. We all deserve better than to be with someone like that. Good luck to you all
Author Steve11 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 It's not easy. I still miss her, but I suppose in time we'll all look back on this and laugh.
Author Steve11 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I feel like I've done a complete u-turn. I woke up this morning and all I could think about was her. I've gone back into th mindset of blaming myself for everything. I know she's seeing our mutual fried tonight & is having a gathering around her place with my friends and their girlfriends. She told me last week just incase people talked about it at football. I had to leave football today as quickly as possible incase people talked about it. I overheard a few people mention it. I'm doing nothing tonight. I was going to meet a mate but I really don't feel up to it. I actually feel like crying. I'm so pathetic.
IfiKnewThen Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 please dont feel discouraged. this process is an emotional roller coaster its only natural to feel this way. i would recommend getting out with the mate/friend. please dont blame yourself. i know that feeling all too well. look at it this way...even if you did make some mistakes..the point is youre a better man today and it sounds like shes not a better woman. that's what makes you now so incompatible now. and honestly she sounds like she still had so many flaws that if you kept going...would have really ruined your life. hang in there and get out with the friend . at least it will be some distraction.
Author Steve11 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 It's so difficult because I've gone from one day feeling up beat & excited. To now, where I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm not going out now. I know that if I'm out & drinking then I'll get emotional or try to call her or something stupid like that. I know she's moving on & enjoying her life now without me. But even after all she's done & how she treated me at times I've put her back on the pedestal. She's socialising with all MY friends, too. It's torture.
Author Steve11 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 She's just texted - hope your ok xxx She done this last time because we lost at football & we lost today. What is she playing at? She's already told me its all over and I said its too hard to talk or see her!
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Fer chrissakes, what is it with even READING the texts - ?? Re-label her as "From the Bitch - don't even read it, just delete it!!" Why are you even reading them? Why are you even GETTING them - ?!? Reply immediately with - Text blocker activated. Your message could not be delivered.
spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Dude, that link. Thanks. Sounds so similar to my situation. Totally blaming myself for everything too
Author Steve11 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I haven't replied. I feel slightly empowered. I've replied before & it got my nowhere, so I definitely won't be replying.
Author Steve11 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 She rang me at 3:30am drunk asking why I didn't reply to her nice message. Then she sent a text saying rude. **** off!
Sugarkane Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 It's so difficult because I've gone from one day feeling up beat & excited. To now, where I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm not going out now. I know that if I'm out & drinking then I'll get emotional or try to call her or something stupid like that. I know she's moving on & enjoying her life now without me. But even after all she's done & how she treated me at times I've put her back on the pedestal. She's socialising with all MY friends, too. It's torture. Why Is she socializing with your friends? People take sides.
hestheone66 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Hi Steve. I know how hard it it to work though the emotional manipulation. It has been my experience of being in abusive relationship that the manipulating narcissists target 'nice people' who tend to be forgiving and give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Although it is hard at the beginning you will find the ONLY way to move forward it NC.. you don't have children (thank goodness) with this woman.. change her number from being her name in your phone to 'do not call' to remind you she is toxic.. her pleas with you will prob start friendly, ie, 'how's things?" or 'Thinking of you' and as you ignore them, she will get really bitchy with things like "I thought you wanted to get back together, you must have been lying' or 'I can't believe I'm still in love with someone who is so pathetic' or something similar... knowing in advance that it is just her personality disorder manifesting itself is healing in itself.. you don't take her insults personally and secondly you realise that saving yourself from further abuse has justified your breaking out of the relationship.. you cannot treat ppl with this sort of disorder as friends as they are certainly not capable of the reciprocity that real friendship demands.. they can only take and drain you of all energy. leave it go for a few weeks and then go out again.. you need time to heal, to reflect and to speak with others here that have been through similar things and gain strength and confidence back.
geegirl Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 She rang me at 3:30am drunk asking why I didn't reply to her nice message. Then she sent a text saying rude. **** off! She didn't get the response she wanted so now she chooses to attack you. I would suggest you block her. It will only drive you up the wall to deal with someone like this. I bet in a few days, she'll reach out being sweet again. Same cycle. End it.
IfiKnewThen Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 call me crazy. i think she wants you back. for her to be that mad at you not replying right away. but also that's how narcissist are. if they don't get the attention they want that act out right away. i think ignore more and she will contact you again..more apologetic . they want you...but they selfishly want you. there is a difference from wanting someone, where love gentle love is kind. she needs to get to that place. i dont know what it would take to make her humble herself in love...
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