othersideofthepillow Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Hi all. So I came on here back in '11 when my X first broke my heart. In the past few years I had some pretty bad luck but through it all I came out on top and became happy again. Last fall I met a woman through a friend and we became friends. We have amazing sexual chemistry and became fwb. After these past holidays, I decided that it was time for me to finally let go of all my resentment for my X so I sent her a very quick and professional message on fb. No attempts to get back together just that everything happens for a reason and good luck in the new year. Over the past few months my X and I have been spending a lot of time together, and she has made it very clear that she still loves me and wants to get back together but i have told her i cannot reciprocate her love at the moment but that its fun hanging out and getting to know each other again. Here's the thing, I became very good friends with the fwb woman. Hung out a lot, text each other every day and she in turn felt that she wanted more. Not to necessarily become a couple but she wanted to move past being just f-buddies. I am happy that my X and i have became friends again but idk if I want to be with her again. I can see myself with her again but I can also see myself again without her (as a gf). On the other hand, I feel that if I don't pursue a bit more with my friend that I may be making a mistake. I guess I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place.....any advice would be great
thefooloftheyear Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Interesting...... I hope all the folks that are REALLY struggling can read your post. It might let them process what they are going through right now perhaps. What were the details behind the breakup? TFOY
misskst Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Have you ever heard that if two ex's are friends after the breakup they either still love each other or they never did when they were together? I believe this is very true. That's not to say you can't be civil to your ex, but I don't think you should hang out with your ex on a regular basis. You can't move on with your life if that's what you're doing. It's one thing if you want to get back with your ex, then keep hanging out with her. But if you don't want to, then you have to keep a good distance from her. Now I can't tell you which one of these two girls you should choose because I don't know them and don't know the reason for your breakup with your ex.
Author othersideofthepillow Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 thanks for the help so far...btw i was the dumpee (moved to fast together, no communication and lost intimacy which led to the breakup [i was in my mid 20's and she was 20]). i want to clarify that i have moved on from the past, the break up and everything that came from it. however, what i am saying is that in the time apart i believe that her and i have self improved enough to maintain a friendship. not saying to become best friends but friends. i can see where your coming from misskst but i must politely disagree. the love i felt when i was with her was deep and very genuine. i am in my later 20's and know the difference between real vs. puppy love/lust. i fully let go over our time apart and harbor no feeling of resentment. it didn't work out at that time and i truly am grateful for that experience (even though it was miserable). i guess what im looking for is a outside, unbiased opinion on my situation. i know that we are all strangers and the "advice" only goes so far but i would like to know what others may think since some may have been in the same situation.
NapoleonNotSheep Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Well I don't know how you feel but I assume your ex went with other guy or she cheated on you. If she would really have feeling for you she would be with you the whole time. Best bet is to get together with your friend because it is something fresh and new. She never cheated or anything so you can trust her. I don't know about you but once trust is broken it is EXTREMELY hard to trust that person again.
misskst Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I never said that you didn't love her. All I said was that if you two did love each other, then it means that you still have feelings for each other (or at least one of you do) in order to keep hanging out. Like I said, it's ok to be civil (keep in touch and say hi every now and then), but to hang out regularly, it just doesn't work. This is from my own experience. I once dated a guy who kept hanging out with his ex. He said he was "not in love with her" anymore but still cared for her. Oh well, I tried to believe that. But she still managed to destroy my relationship with him because when a girl once had that "girlfriend" status she will always demand the girlfriend treatment and a guy usually don't have enough energy to feed two girls the girlfriend treatment that they want, so eventually you'll have to take some away from your "actual" girlfriend to give to the other girl (whether it's a special female friend or an ex). So over time, I felt neglected. We broke up. Of course, they didn't get back together either because they broke up for a reason. Now over 3 years later, he still hasn't had a relationship that lasts longer than 3 months. Reason? His ex. I'd say hello and catch up with him about twice a year, but he still hangs out with her regularly. Every girl he's dated after me all said goodbye after a few months. I really wish he could come to some sense and see how he's jeopardizing his chances of a happy relationship by hanging on to his ex. I know he loved her very much when they were together. That's why it's hard for him to just cut her off, but like I said, the more you truly loved your ex when you were together, the slimmer the chance you two can be friends after. It's not about resentment. If, however, you're considering getting back together with your ex, then we're talking about a totally different story. Then it's your decision if things have changed for the better and there's a chance that it will work. And how you feel about your new girl plays an important role. If you really have strong feelings for your new girl, then I'd advise you to look forward instead of looking backward. You already said it yourself that you'd be fine without your ex or at first had no intention of getting back together. What makes you have a second thought? I bet it's the fact that she's back in your life. That's why people say you shouldn't have your ex back in your life. Imagine your life without her, you'd have been totally fine with your new girl, most likely moving forward. Now you see what it's like when she's back in your life. You're on this forum, confused about your relationship. No judgment here. I'm also confused most likely because of something stupid that I did, and that's why I'm on this forum. Just saying that sometimes we do something unnecessary that we don't even know and end up hurting our chance of having a happy relationship. Hope that helps.
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