florence Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I had been going out with my now ex for 3 years, I had always been a bit doubtful of him as he blew hot and cold. He had a history of dumping women after a short while, he is the type who is never satisfied, especially with his job, workmates etc, always very negative. However... we did get on really well when we together. He phoned me every day, emailed etc etc. when we couldnt be together. He is 40 now. It went wrong when he found out he was going to get a very well paid job, in another city, even though it meant i was only an hour from him as opposed to 2. Up until then we had celebrated our anniversaries and he was always quite romantic. When I mentioned our 3rd anniversary was coming up he just said ,mmmm. Then he mentioend that a few of his freinds are having children, (all older fathers) I cant have children, without IVF etc, and he always knew that, I wondered if he was thinking about it. But he started to criticise me and stare at other women, quite openly - at one time we were in a restaurant and he was looking at a woman, it was like he was at a tennis match, the woman, his plate then back to the woman again, then his plate... when I asked him, do you know that woman? he said What woman! ? Denied it. He had always been quite critical of me, I put up with it but it hurt. I get a lot of looks when I'm out, so I was never worried too much, I just wondered why he had to be like that. Then I walked in on him and saw he was on a dating site and he quickly toggled over to a different site when I walked in the room. Now when i saw that I knew that all of my suspicions about this over the years we had been together were confirmed. Now I knew. When I got home I spent the night tracking him down online, I found him on 5 sites and one sex site for swingers dogging, Bi, you name it he was asking for it. The photos were taken specifically for the dating site and some dated back to when he was in his old flat, and going by what was in the background - while we were together, even in the so called honeymoon period. To say I felt sick was an understatement. That was 8 months ago and before I could dump him he dumped me. I think he had met his 'soulmate' on one of these sites. I cried for weeks. I took time off work, and just walked and walked. Anyway.. I occasionally look at these sites as I did not de-register, and he is online all the time. So to cut a long story short, he does not seem to have anyone, he is always free at weekends, he even messaged a freind of mine on OK Cupid. I'm over him now, but hate him for what he did. He thought that as he was earning so much money he could 'upgrade' - now it looks like he spends all of his time on these sites. he was doing it while he was with me, and he is still doing it... does anyone know what he gets out of it?? He seems not to get many if any dates out of it. He thinks he can get a beautiful young woman from a dating site. One always better than the last.
Kaiten Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Hm this is hard one to tell from the outside looking in. From the outside, it looks like your typical average lustful man. Im not sure what factors all play in though You are right to be hurt but do not let hate take over. Its not worth your energy. Its easy to allow yourself to hate someone who wronged you but it is no way to live. You will have to let that go or your ex bf will always have that hold on you. If you are in a relationship with a guy and you find him ogling other women it should bother you. You need to be their number 1. Bring this up to him (or your future SO) and if they get defensive or argue about this, thats a big, red flag for you. Verdict: Based off of what you tell, this guy thinks he is better than what he is. These types are always looking for the "next best thing" and will keep their eyes wide open for the latest and greatest. The Iphone 3 felt really special until the 4, the 4S and now the 5. You have to see yourself for what you are. You are not some outdated technology. You are not obsolete. He's not looking to settle down anytime soon. 1
Quest4_TheLost Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I'm sorry.. I know that hurts a lot I dealt with the same thing. Although I found out he had cheated on me before deciding to do any detective work. His explanation when I caught him on all these dating sites including one called (bootycall). He said he liked the attention it gave him an ego boost. Be thankful you got rid of him before you caught him cheating on you. That was most likely the next step if he hadn't already. You deserve better. I was with mine for 5 yrs. It's been 4 yrs. since the split and I'm very thankful its not me stuck with him. One of the things that sucks the most is when you can't trust someone and your constantly looking over your shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its much easier to throw those shoes out and get a good pair. *Hugs* 1
Mack05 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Sadly this guy has the emotional maturity of a Gorilla. He is in for a rude awakening one day. When this happens, his youth will be gone and he will end up a sad lonely old man. You can do soooo much better and I hope you can see this and that you do something about it. 1
Author florence Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Thanks, trouble with the last 3 years was that I kept telling myself off for being suspicious, as time went on I became more and more paranoid, I thought I was going nuts. I thought the problem lay with me, if you have no real proof, just little nagging red flags, it makes you question everything. Although I never, ever let on to him I was suspicious. I used to feel ashamed of myself. He's still on the dating sites EVERY weekend and every night, he tries to get women to meet him for a drink at weekends. Makes me feel so much better to think he has not found anyone nice. I think he thought he could find someone really quickly: younger, prettier and richer. He emailed me a couple of weeks ago, I ignored it, so 5 days later he emailed me again, saying , Are you ok I just want to know how you are, and then a couple of days later I emailed him back - I was all upbeat and happy and cut the email trail short, felt better after that, I felt like I was taking control of him. He seemed to be getting upset becasue he got no reply. Strange. I had to go to the doctors and get checked out, the sex site was really worrying me, it looked really sleazy, I dont know if he had ever actually met anyone from there, but ... as I said before he had been doing it while he was with me going back a couple of years. Thanks for your thoughts, its really helpful to get others perspective on this. Edited March 25, 2013 by florence
polyglot Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Thanks, trouble with the last 3 years was that I kept telling myself off for being suspicious, as time went on I became more and more paranoid, I thought I was going nuts. I thought the problem lay with me, if you have no real proof, just little nagging red flags, it makes you question everything. Although I never, ever let on to him I was suspicious. I used to feel ashamed of myself. He's still on the dating sites EVERY weekend and every night, he tries to get women to meet him for a drink at weekends. Makes me feel so much better to think he has not found anyone nice. I think he thought he could find someone really quickly: younger, prettier and richer. He emailed me a couple of weeks ago, I ignored it, so 5 days later he emailed me again, saying , Are you ok I just want to know how you are, and then a couple of days later I emailed him back - I was all upbeat and happy and cut the email trail short, felt better after that, I felt like I was taking control of him. He seemed to be getting upset becasue he got no reply. Strange. I had to go to the doctors and get checked out, the sex site was really worrying me, it looked really sleazy, I dont know if he had ever actually met anyone from there, but ... as I said before he had been doing it while he was with me going back a couple of years. Thanks for your thoughts, its really helpful to get others perspective on this. Why did you give him a chance to dump? You should have gained some satisfaction in doing it yourself - when the Red Flags are all up for you. Given this amount of maturity, you must not have indulged yourself too much into this florence. He's exploiting you. Give it up and feel happy
Damsel in Distress Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 After my ex broke up with me I found his profile on a dating site. I had such trust in him before it never occurred to me to look. But it was like a dagger through my heart seeing his profile describing himself as single and clearly looking. I can't tell how long, but it was up at least a month before he broke up with me. I don't know if that's where my ex met the person he's with now - he says it's not. I don't think men get a huge number of dates from these sites. However, I do think a lot of people really enjoy the chatting, and that's one reason he could be spending so much time online. I'm sure it's a rush to chat with different women and see if you can grab their interest. I'm not on the sites, but I think there's a lot of sexual banter (and more) that is a turn on whether it leads to dates or not. I'm so sorry. It really hurts, I know 1
Flier Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Florence, I feel bad for what you you went through. My ex. was irritated because I asked him to remove a dating profile that he was not using. An online ad advertising that he wanted someone else...how disrespectful. You found something more painful...hugs and best wishes.
Author florence Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 (edited) One of the worst things was learning that while we were still together he contacted a friend of mine on a dating site and when she asked him if he was single, (she realised who he was) he said he was 'eighty percent single', and he had a 'difficult relationship', and he was going to tell her all about it when he met her for drinks, which he never got chance to. This was when he had just told me he loved me and we had just got back from a really nice holiday, where we had got on really well. I suppose he thought he was 80% free as he did not see me for a few weeks here and there due to our jobs etc. Wonder how he would phrase it if he was in the army and away for months at a time. I put up with the bad stuff as I loved him too much, I gave too much - I always thought that I had to keep trying. Someone told me that he now spends a lot of time on his own at weekends, what new friends he has made drop him after a few weeks (not sure why, he is a bit negative and serious, but I know its hard to make new friends in a new city at his age) and he seems down. Well, he really thought that the online dating stuff would bring him a lot of women at his door. He now states on the sites that he is not looking for dating and romance anymore, just wants friends. I hear what you are all saying about dating sites being an ego boost, but how can going online all night and weeknds be anything but soul destroying? He's been doing it for about 6 months now, to find another woman, and when he was with me he was doing it presumably for a flirt and sex if he could, behind my back. I should not have told him so mnay times he was a sex god and handsome etc, he thought he could do better. Edited March 27, 2013 by florence
Damsel in Distress Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I should not have told him so mnay times he was a sex god and handsome etc, he thought he could do better. Florence, I had the same thought about my situation!! My ex had low self-esteem and often would ask "Why me? What do you see in me?" I enjoyed building him up just like you say. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated and loved him. And I loved how he would say, "No, I'm not awesome, we are awesome TOGETHER." or "I'm not a perfect man, I'm a perfect man FOR YOU." We WERE good together, and I think the great sex built up his confidence and it backfired on me! There is a part of me that hopes he does go out and try other women and finds that nobody is as good of a match as we were. (I know that's wishful thinking, but I can't help it!)
Author florence Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 damsel.. how long has it been since you broke up? I really believe there are not that many people that we can really say we can get on with, so lets hope that your ex realises that, but if he did it to you he will probably do it to someone else. Polyglot, thinking about it I wish i had dumped him, the way it worked i never did tell him everything I knew, and I never got the satisfaction of telling him what a nasty cheating piece of work he was. I think that this is the reason I am still angry and wanting to see him unhappy and lonely, in my mind he got away with it, justice has not really been done. Thats why I'm glad he is still, months and months later, trawling and creeping about on those sites, every so often changing his photos etc.
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