Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Oh my God! She has just informed me that the pregnancy was a false alarm and that she was testing me to see how I would react to having a child with her. She said that my reaction was exactly what she was expecting and she knew then that I didn't care about her or love her enough. This completely changes things for me now. I obviously reacted in the wrong way, but if her pregnancy was a false alarm, how can she hate me so much? This has totally thrown me all over again. I don't think she lied about the pregnancy as she was late on her period and was putting on weight (she told me this). But I think she took the opportunity to test the waters with me and see how I'd react. What do I do now? I'm so hurt and confused! wait a minute...Are you saying between 4:02 to 4:09 GMT you spoke? And are you saying she lied about the miscarriage!?
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 She texted me this about 5 minutes ago. It was a long text, but clearly she didn't want to speak to me about it. And are you saying she lied about the miscarriage!? I don't know what to believe anymore. She never actually said she had miscarried, she just said that I didn't have to worry about her being pregnant anymore. I asked her if she had an abortion and she said no and got incredibly upset, so I left it there. I took from this that she had miscarried.
Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 She texted me this about 5 minutes ago. It was a long text, but clearly she didn't want to speak to me about it. I don't know what to believe anymore. She never actually said she had miscarried, she just said that I didn't have to worry about her being pregnant anymore. I asked her if she had an abortion and she said no and got incredibly upset, so I left it there. I took from this that she had miscarried. Here's a first for me on Loveshack. I have absolutely no idea what to say...
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I have absolutely no idea what to say... That makes two of us ! Now what? Do I reply to the text, has she done this to get my reaction? Is she testing me again? Does this change our situation? Maybe this explains her reaction to the letter? Maybe she feels bad that she wasn't pregnant and brought up bad memories for me just to test me?
Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) That makes two of us ! Now what? Do I reply to the text, has she done this to get my reaction? Is she testing me again? Does this change our situation? Maybe this explains her reaction to the letter? Maybe she feels bad that she wasn't pregnant and brought up bad memories for me just to test me? If she knew she wasn't pregnant and I emphasise the word IF then I would never speak to her again. That's just me. I am 37, may never be a dad so if a girl I was seeing said to me "I'm pregnant" just to test my reaction, I wouldn't or couldn't forgive that. It's like one minute I could be a dad and the next minute I'm not, which leads me to my next point. What if you jumped up and down with excitement? "Well actually broken hearted you are not going to be a dad it was a test, but hey look at the bright side at least you passsed!". Are you f****** kidding me with this. If she knew that she was never pregnant, what she did was SICK...Even if she thought she might be pregnant, why on earth did she not take a test or see a doctor? Looks like she just viewed this as one big test. If you can't let this go, I would text her back and ask to meet her for a drink and ask her these questions. If she says no, I'd disappear mate. It's clear she wants to move on and I for one wouldn't put up a fight for her. Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05 1
Damsel in Distress Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I am in stunned disbelief. This girl PRETENDED to be pregnant to test you??? Pretending to be accidentally pregnant to judge your reaction - well the reaction to an unplanned pregnancy while using contraception is very different from the reaction to discussion and planning if and when would be a good time. She sounds very immature if she thought this horrible trick was going to get her any information about anything. Geez, who would pretend about a BABY! Gosh. I wonder if her mom knows she was never pregnant, or she tricked her mom too? That is so manipulative and I could not tolerate that kind of dishonesty in a relationship. It makes me even sadder that in response to her trick, it triggered you to very honestly disclose a very private matter from your past and she didn't even react in a sensitive manner.
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 If she knew she wasn't pregnant and I emphasise the word IF then I would never speak to her again. I genuinely believe that she thought that she was pregnant. Even I thought she looked different. She would never lie about something like that. When she said she was pregnant and asked me what we should do I think she wanted to know my honest response. The one I gave her clearly wasn't the one she was expecting. I don't think this makes a lot of difference to the way she felt at the time, because to her it was real and she was pregnant. I think it was only after she realised she wasn't that she then told me about not having to worry anymore. I'm also 37, so have had a fair bit of life experience. I have never loved anyone as much as this person. We have had some serious ups and downs, but have always made it through them and made up again. The longest we've ever been apart is about a week at a time. This time however, it feels real, it feels like she has had enough. If you can't let this go, I would text her back and ask to met her for a drink. I don't want to let her go, but I just can't see that she would even consider meeting up. She won't even talk to me on the phone!
Mack05 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 You are 37 too. Surely you should have been psyched about being a dad? I mean how old do you want to be? Dude she told you that she was pregnant without knowing for sure...Something doesn't smell right here. My advice stands. I would want answers. If she won't meet up with me to give me those answers....Sayōnara sweetheart..
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 it triggered you to very honestly disclose a very private matter from your past and she didn't even react in a sensitive manner. I think her reaction makes more sense to me now if she wasn't pregnant and it was a false alarm. I still believe she thought she was pregnant at the time, I'm still not sure why she didn't just tell me it was a false alarm.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Phew. I misunderstood too. So she believed she was pregnant. I still have the same thought though - somebody's reaction to an unplanned pregnancy while using contraception is likely very different from their reaction to planning a pregnancy. It sounds like you were honest about your feelings about the timing, and I'm sure it was NOT the best timing. It's not clear to me whether you were willing to support her during the pregnancy. What part of your reaction to the pregnancy upset her?
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 My advice stands. I would want answers. If she won't meet up with me to give me those answers I wanted answers about her and her Mum's reaction to my letter, but never got them. They were livid that I had written them in the first place, especially about something so sensitive as rape. There response was that I was playing on a fear of both of theirs to make excuses for my behaviour.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 And good point Mack. Did she do a pregnancy test that came back positive at any point? Or is all this fallout from your reaction to her saying she's late and thinks she might be pregnant?
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 It's not clear to me whether you were willing to support her during the pregnancy. What part of your reaction to the pregnancy upset her? If I'm honest I just said we shouldn't have it. That's as far as the conversation went, in her mind I had told her all she needed to know. She did say the day after that if I loved her I would have said, "OK no matter what you choose to do I will support you". I think this is the response she wanted to hear.
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Did she do a pregnancy test that came back positive at any point? When she told me she thought she was pregnant, I did say that I wanted to be sure if she was. Otherwise my feelings and reactions to this situation were all hypothetical until I had solid proof. (probably my logical mind working overtime). She said she would get the test, but for whatever reason she didn't. I think maybe a part of her wished she wasn't pregnant after my reaction. If she had got the test and it was positive, she would have known I didn't want the baby.
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 You are 37 too. Surely you should have been psyched about being a dad? Honestly, I was scared and didn't know what to do. I had so many doubts in my mind. I certainly wasn't jumping for joy, but I put this down to the traumatic experience in my past. Again, this all lead me to open up about what had happened with my ex and put pen to paper. I had never even thought about all that for 17 years and it was so hard to run through it all in my head. I am still struggling with her and her Mum's reaction to it. Maybe it was too much for them to hear? I had to let them know that it wasn't that I didn't love my partner or didn't care about her.
Damsel in Distress Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 What a mess, broken hearted It does sound like she just shut down as soon as you said that. But that was a initial (honest and probably very logical) reaction to some shocking and unconfirmed news. Perhaps if she had given some time for it to sink in, done a pregnancy test so you would both know if this is something you seriously needed to make a decision about, etc. you might have ended up saying the "right" thing and it would all have been okay. However, she didn't keep working on it - once she heard that it sounds like she was done. That's what's disturbing me about so many of these stories on here. When there is a roadblock, I think people who love each other work together and see if there is any possible way around it before giving up. In this case, "It's not a good time to have a baby" "Just what I thought, you don't love me enough" Huh???? And I'm still confused about her saying she was "testing" you. If she truly believed she was pregnant, that's not a "test" - it's a genuine situation that you reacted to. How do you plan to proceed now that you know the truth of what happened?
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 somebody's reaction to an unplanned pregnancy while using contraception is likely very different from their reaction to planning a pregnancy. This was exactly the point I tried to raise with her and her Mum at the time, but their response was "It's never the right time to have a baby, but you just make the necessary changes and get on with it". I didn't agree with this at all. I always imagined planning for a child and having it when the relationship was settled and we were both financially stable. Again, my logical mind taking over.
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I'm still confused about her saying she was "testing" you. If she truly believed she was pregnant, that's not a "test" I can only guess what was going through her mind, but I think that the "testing" part of it was that she thought she was pregnant and before she got confirmation she thought she would see what my reaction was. How do you plan to proceed now that you know the truth of what happened? Right now I absolutely love her and want to reconcile with her. I am going to try to leave her alone as she has asked me to do. Maybe with time she will understand why I said what I said and why I sent the letter to her and also to her Mum. I think she was shocked that I wrote to her Mum. I think she thought I'd crossed a line in getting her Mum involved. But it was clear to me when I left that both her and her Mum were outraged at my reaction to the pregnancy.
Author broken-hearted Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Just to update this, after her text today about the phantom pregnancy and the voicemail about the fact I'd gone for the job to influence her friend. I sent her one last text. In brief I explained that I was not lying about the rape and subsequent pregnancy with my ex, that the job I went for was a good job and it had nothing to do with her friend working there, that I still loved her very much and I would respect her wishes and not contact her again. So that's it for now. The ball is in her court. I'm hoping that she's just very raw and emotional from it all and has built up an image of me in her head as the bad guy so it's easier to get over me. I can only prove her wrong now by my actions. I will update if the situation ever changes - I hope it does (in a good way). I also wanted to say thank you for everyone's input, it has been incredibly helpful and supportive.
Recommended Posts