Wrote letter to ex's Mum - Now even worse

[broken-hearted]

I will try to keep this as short as I can as I have a lot to fit in.

 

I have just split up with my partner of 3 years, mainly because I had major issues in supporting her when she told me she was pregnant. I basically told her that I didn't think it was the right time. This devastated her and because of this and other issues we grew further apart and split up. Even worse is that she miscarried. This also made her Mum think I was the scum of the earth for not supporting her and blocked me out.

 

What I didn't tell her, because I had locked it up for nearly 17 years, was that my ex from years ago, told me she was pregnant once and we decided to have the child. What I didn't know at the time and what came out in an argument shortly afterwards was that she had been raped and there was a possibility the child was from that traumatic event. Even worse was she decided to get an abortion behind my back and was the last to know. Needless to say this affected both of us severely and although I supported her for years after, the relationship was never the same and we broke up.

 

As I felt I owed my most recent ex and her Mum an explanation of why I behaved the way I did, I wrote a letter to them both explaining what had happened with my previous relationship from years ago. I wanted to give some sort of meaning to why I acted so coldly towards her. I am still in love with her and want desperately to reconnect at some point.

 

The impact this has had on both of them when they read the letter and their reaction is shocking to me, as neither of them believe I am telling the truth. I have been called a liar and manipulator and every other word you can think of. I have opened up to them and they have thrown it back in my face.

 

Obviously this is very distressing for me as I am telling the truth and still need to get help for this issue (which I am now getting by going to counselling). Basically because I have let this out and told them about it, it has made our breakup almost impossible to go back on.

 

I need some very honest opinions on this. Should I have written that letter? What can I do to prove to them I am telling the truth? And what do I do next?

 

Many thanks in advance.

[broken-hearted]

Sorry I should have made it clearer. The pregnancy was at least 5 weeks before we split up. I didn't leave her when she was pregnant! After I told her that we should probably not go through with the pregnancy she was really hurt and eventually we broke up, more or less mutually.

[broken-hearted]

We split up after she miscarried, probably about 3 weeks. I didn't walk out on her, we both agreed to go our separate ways.

[Mack05]

You are viewing things through just your eyes. Through viewing things from their's. It really doesn't matter if they believe you or not. The message here is that your ex (or her mother) will never trust you again. The damage caused is irreversible. You can never make this better.

I basically told her that I didn't think it was the right time. This devastated her

 

I think therapy is a good idea for you, to help you come to terms with everything that has happened. In the meantime leave your ex alone. No good can come from being in contact with her.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Mack05

[broken-hearted]

Thanks for your honesty. Yes, therapy is something I should have got a long time ago! I have locked it all away and it's ruined this relationship with an amazing woman.

 

I suppose I just wanted her and her Mum to know that I had issues in my past that had an impact on the way I thought about the pregnancy and the way I treated her in general. It's not that I didn't love this person dearly, it's that I couldn't be the person she wanted me to be because of my issues.

 

I have literally just spoken with her Mum and she seems to have calmed down. I'm still nor sure that she believes me, but she has said that there's nothing she can do as she is not in this relationship. She has also said that her daughter has made her mind up that it's over.

 

Does the fact that I have explained myself and not let my ex think it was her fault or that I didn't care enough, actually help her or have I done it to help myself? I'd like to think I've done it for her.

 

I do want to build some bridges with her over time. Does anyone believe there is a possibility of a reconciliation?

Edited March 21, 2013 by broken-hearted

[Mack05]

 

Does the fact that I have explained myself and not let my ex think it was her fault or that I didn't care enough, actually help her or have I done it to help myself? I'd like to think I've done it for her.

 

Again try look at things from her perspective. What do you think she feels getting this letter? Can't you see that you have broken her heart and her trust in you is gone? Sorry, but even the most heart felt letter is probably not going to help in this situation.

 

Have you ever thought that she blames you for the miscarriage? That you could have caused added stress, which lead to the complications? Now that may be grossly unfair for her to be thinking along those lines, but try to remember that a man will never know what it is to lose a life growing inside them. I don't think you are fully grasping what your ex has been through (whether she holds you responsible or not)

 

I do want to build some bridges with her over time. Does anyone believe there is a possibility of a reconciliation?

 

I've been wrong before, but I doubt it very much. In my experience with women and from reading female posters that I really respect on this site, it seems when a woman crosses a certain threshold no amount of convincing will ever bring her back.

 

You have sent the letter. I would have waited for after 6 months NC. It would come across FAR more sincere. When someone is hurt and angry, they don't absorb or sometimes even care what you are trying to tell them. Their defence is up and normally there is no getting past it.

 

The ONLY thing you can do now is leave her alone. The more you push this the further you drive her away. Get to therapy cause if you don't you will lose another amazing girl. This should be the reality check you need to resolve all the baggage from the past..

Edited March 21, 2013 by Mack05

[broken-hearted]

What do you think she feels getting this letter?

 

I did imagine her reading it as I was reading it through myself. In my mind I thought it might make her see that my issues had caused my behaviour towards her and it wasn't her fault or that it wasn't because I didn't love her. I thought it would give her answers to be honest.

 

when a woman crosses a certain threshold no amount of convincing will ever bring her back.

 

I think this is where she is right now, but it is only literally days since we split up so I am hoping it is just her defences are way up and blocking me out.

 

I would have waited for after 6 months NC.

 

Wow, not sure I could have waited even 6 days to tell her that it was my fault. I just think by that time, she would have thought I didn't care and moved on. I agree with the NC rule to a certain extent, but if you're trying to get back with your ex I think leaving it months to contact someone after a breakup would finish it off.

 

I am still hopeful that her emotions are still raw and she has a lot of anger towards me for what happened and the fact she doesn't believe what I wrote in the letter. It is strange because I have never lied or cheated in the 3 years I've known her. Now suddenly I make this traumatic incident up for no apparent reason.

Edited March 21, 2013 by broken-hearted

[Mack05]

IMO you are in denial mate. She has lost a child as I have said you (or I) have no idea how this effects a woman. I would be stunned if she ever came back. I don't she cares right now whose fault it is.

[broken-hearted]

Thanks for your honesty again. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I think I really don't understand what she went through. I have never experienced it, so can't really empathise. I can support her and tell her I love her, but I can't actually imagine the emotions she was feeling. I don't actually know if it makes any difference, but it was a very early miscarriage and only after a few weeks.

 

I wish now I had understood more what she was going through!

 

Only time will tell and hopefully with time she will start to trust me again. Like I said before, I haven't lied or cheated, I simply said the wrong thing at the wrong time and this completely threw her. She wanted me to say "Brilliant, let's have this baby" and instead I dismissed it so casually.

 

With hindsight I can see now exactly why this caused us to break up. Maybe blaming issues from my past for the way I behaved made no difference to her - the point is I still hurt her.

Edited March 21, 2013 by broken-hearted

[Mack05]

The best and only thing you can do right now is give her space.

 

Work on your flaws, go to therapy and work through all these emotions. At least then if she does come back, you will have brought something new to the table.

[broken-hearted]

You're right. I decided after speaking with her Mum that I could only do more harm by trying to explain myself to her. I need to give her some space and time to think.

 

I am definitely going to learn from this and not to treat a pregnancy as just something that can be thrown away if it's not the right time.

 

I am getting counselling and I have a new job to go to next week. I am going to start weight training again and get back in touch with a few mates I haven't seen for a while.

 

I don't want to even think right now that it's over. I want to carry on my life and see what the future brings - hopefully she will be part of that once again.

[broken-hearted]

Urgent update on this!

 

My ex phoned me today, but I was in the Doctor's and couldn't answer the phone. Upshot is that she said why did I write a letter to her Mum and why can't I leave her alone.

 

Also to add to the confusion, the job that I have just taken, one of her friends works there and she thinks that I've taken the job to get back in with her through her friend! That's not the case at all, the timing was right and they offered me the job on the spot. What was I supposed to do, turn down a potentially good career because her friend works there?

 

What do I do now?

 

Do I try to call her to explain she's got it all wrong?

 

Send her a text to explain?

 

Or just do as she has asked and leave it?

 

Do I still take the job as she'll think I'm doing it for her benefit?

 

Do I talk to her friend at work and tell her why I am working there?

 

Very confused! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Edited March 22, 2013 by broken-hearted

[Mack05]

If she needs to talk to you, she will call back. If she does call back say as little as possible. She doesn't trust you mate, so a conversation with her now won't help. Indeed it will probably makes things worse.

 

Focus on one sentence. "Why can't you leave me alone".

 

Take the job but don't engage with her friend, unless it is professionally related. In time she will realise you took the job as a career move and not to get her back.

[broken-hearted]

Thanks for the speedy reply.

 

My gut instinct is to tell her she's got it all wrong! She thinks I'm doing this for her and I just want to tell her I'm not, I'm trying to move on and improve myself.

 

What if her friend brings it up with me? Then what do I do?

[Mack05]

Thanks for the speedy reply.

 

My gut instinct is to tell her she's got it all wrong! She thinks I'm doing this for her and I just want to tell her I'm not, I'm trying to move on and improve myself.

 

What if her friend brings it up with me? Then what do I do?

 

She doesn't trust you mate. Your words will have no effect or a negative one. By leaving her be and doing your job (avoiding her mate), your actions will tell her more than your words ever could.

[broken-hearted]

OK, thanks. This seems so counter intuitive to me! I want to defend myself immediately to stop her thought process, but I guess in doing that she will believe me even less.

 

I need to give her time to take a step back and hopefully realise I am not the person she has made up in her head.

 

Maybe, just maybe she will see that I am true to my word and am sorting my life out once and for all.

[cherrypum]

leaving a woman on her own while you made her pregnant is something horrible to do.

men need to understand how serious pregnancy is.

a pregnant woman stands between life and dead once she is pregnant.

 

all a men(you) have to do is be there to help her and prepare for the

baby and bring money in.

that is noting more then what the woman is going true 9 mhts.

 

and with the chance to lose her life!

 

i think you never did take any respectability for both of the

girls you got pregnant. you only have eye for how sad your story is and your own excuses.

if you know you have that issues why do you even keep having sex with any girl,

knowing that you can get them pregnant and you are not okay with taking care of them.

 

i think what you did was to big for you to think that a letter will solve it.

why did you not go personally and build up the conversation with them before

telling them. even thou i think it will not help much.

cause people are interested in you taking responsibility. and not coming in with more

excuses.

i think she have been true to much pain cause of ho you did that you

cant think that she will open doors for you like noting happen.

i think they are pretty much done with you.

which i understand as a woman.

 

your time to tell your story should have been way before sleeping with her or

when you found out she was pregnant.

 

i think you should only contact them if you have a change of mind and heart

to take care for the kid and take responsibility.

and not just to tell sad storys and hope for their understanding.

cause the damage is to big .

 

instead of sending sad letters , send money and stuff for your baby.

cause i guess her mother needed to do your job since you left.

so you did not take any responsibility.

[Mack05]

OK, thanks. This seems so counter intuitive to me! I want to defend myself immediately to stop her thought process, but I guess in doing that she will believe me even less.

 

 

The thing is that is how it seems to you. You need to understand your ex has a different viewpoint. Defending yourself won't help. She see's things a VERY different way to you. When someone is hurting and angry they react VERY negatively to the source of that anger.

 

If you say to defend yourself to her now she is just going to respond negatively and I would bet hangs up the phone at some stage. No amount if defending yourself will win her back.

 

Say you leave her be as she asks. Do your job and not chat with her mate (other than professionally) what does that tell her? It tells her he respected my wishes and he didn't take the job just to get me back.

 

When we are emotional we don't think clearly. Right now you are not thinking clearly.

[broken-hearted]

cherrypum - I appreciate what you're saying, but she didn't have a baby. She was using birth control throughout our relationship. She told me she might be pregnant, I said if she was that now was not the right time for us. She then miscarried after about 5 weeks.

 

I would never leave a girl pregnant and alone. We split up about 3 weeks after she miscarried as the trust was gone and she thought I didn't love her because I said I didn't want a child at that time.

 

My past was a major reason that I reacted the way I did. I just wanted her to know that it wasn't anything she had done, or that I didn't love her enough to have a child with her. The emotions it brought back in me, made me not want to deal with it.

[broken-hearted]

Just to follow up on the pregnancy issue. I really did want to have a family with her, just not at the time she fell pregnant. We were both going through a lot at the time and I thought the stress would not be good for the pregnancy. I was thinking of the baby and her, but it came across as selfish and uncaring.

[broken-hearted]

Also this has been drilling through my mind all day.

 

It is our Anniversary on April 10th, in about 3 weeks time. That will be 3 weeks of no contact and hopefully have given her time to think and have some space.

 

Is it worth sending her a card or very small gift just to say I am thinking about her on that day. I wouldn't declare my love for her, or say Happy Anniversary, just a quick one or two sentence note to say I am thinking of her on that day.

 

I want to respect her wishes and leave her alone right now. I just don't want her to think I don't even care that it's our Anniversary and I am not thinking about her.

 

Any thoughts?

[Mack05]

Also this has been drilling through my mind all day.

 

It is our Anniversary on April 10th, in about 3 weeks time. That will be 3 weeks of no contact and hopefully have given her time to think and have some space.

 

Is it worth sending her a card or very small gift just to say I am thinking about her on that day. I wouldn't declare my love for her, or say Happy Anniversary, just a quick one or two sentence note to say I am thinking of her on that day.

 

I want to respect her wishes and leave her alone right now. I just don't want her to think I don't even care that it's our Anniversary and I am not thinking about her.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Listen to her! "Why can't you leave me alone"..That is as clear a message as you can get. She lost a baby....A baby..Do you think she gives a monkeys nutsack over some 'silly' anniversary. You need to accept that there are some mistakes you can't say 'sorry' for.

 

I did the same thing you are doing now. My ex was 30 and I sent her an early birthday card. No reaction from her. We spoke 6 months later, when I tried to apologise for mistakes I made in the relationship. She more or less said apology accepted, was nice to me and then said please leave me be now. Guess what I did? I finally LISTENED to her.

 

Please trust me on this. Listen to your ex. Try stop wondering what she is thinking or what you feel she might like. You simply have no idea what she is feeling now. The best thing you can do is do what she asked..It really is that simple...

Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05

[broken-hearted]

Listen to her! "Why can't you leave me alone"..

 

I genuinely feel that right now she is hurt and wants to try to forget about our problems. Her defences are so high that there is no way she will listen.

 

What if in a month's time she has calmed down, taken in what I have written to her and doesn't feel so angry?

 

The main reason we broke up is because she thought I didn't care. I just want to show her that I am caring and I do still love her very much.

 

By ignoring a significant date in both our lives am I not just reinforcing what she already thinks of me right now?

[broken-hearted]

Oh my God! She has just informed me that the pregnancy was a false alarm and that she was testing me to see how I would react to having a child with her. She said that my reaction was exactly what she was expecting and she knew then that I didn't care about her or love her enough.

 

This completely changes things for me now. I obviously reacted in the wrong way, but if her pregnancy was a false alarm, how can she hate me so much?

 

This has totally thrown me all over again. I don't think she lied about the pregnancy as she was late on her period and was putting on weight (she told me this). But I think she took the opportunity to test the waters with me and see how I'd react.

 

What do I do now? I'm so hurt and confused!

[Mack05]

I genuinely feel that right now she is hurt and wants to try to forget about our problems. Her defences are so high that there is no way she will listen.

 

What if in a month's time she has calmed down, taken in what I have written to her and doesn't feel so angry?

 

The main reason we broke up is because she thought I didn't care. I just want to show her that I am caring and I do still love her very much.

 

By ignoring a significant date in both our lives am I not just reinforcing what she already thinks of me right now?

 

You are doing it again. You are trying to project your feelings onto her (google the term). Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking. She asked one thing of you. Why can't you do that for her? If you really love this girl leave her be.

 

If she ever wants to talk to you again, she knows where you are. Anniversary's don't count if you are not together. They are no longer special if you are apart.

 

Mate she knows you care. The problem here is that you have lost her trust. When trust goes that's the beginning of the end. You let her down when she was at her most vulnerable. She is not going to forget that for a long time (if ever). You could buy her a billion roses, write her a million love songs it won't make a difference right now.

 

You could say "I love you with all my heart, I'm sorry etc etc" and all she has to say is "so is that why you didn't want me to have our baby?" There is simply no comeback to this. You have made the kind of mistake that many times you just don't recover from.

 

Any attempt to contact her will just upset her more. It's clear you need to find out the hard way so send her the anniversary card. See what happens..