socalledchaos Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) I'm a first time poster, long time reader. I was in a three-month relationship with a guy that ended abruptly. Over the course of a week, he became distant and eventually told me he realized was being unfair to me because he wasn't in a position to date anyone. He had moved to NYC a few months earlier and said he was feeling some insecurities about not knowing anyone, and didn't realize that he had been placing establishing friendships/career networking above anything else until I called him out on some of his behavior. He said that I needed to do my own thing for the time being, but that I didn't do anything wrong and he liked me/found me attractive. It was not a "this ship has sailed" conversation and he left the door open for a possible reconciliation. Since then, I've done all the right things post-breakup. We have not spoken once and I deleted his number/deleted him off Facebook. I've gone on dates with other people and made new friends. I've also started seeing a therapist to address my own anxieties centered around dating and rejection which didn't come to the surface in this relationship, but absolutely would have if it progressed. That said, I still miss him tremendously and am thinking about reaching out again after nearly three months. Most people would say not to do this, but I made a similar move with one of my ex's a few years ago. We ended up dating for almost a year after and he's now one of my best friends. What is the best approach for this? Since I deleted his number, e-mail is the only option. I can't offer him a platonic friendship, but also don't want to be aggressively pushy about a relationship. I'm thinking of telling him that I'm still in a dating-oriented place and that if he's open to meeting and seeing what happens, I'm open to going back to zero and getting to know each other again without expectations. Edited March 21, 2013 by socalledchaos
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 No. No, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no. You do NOT break No Contact. You do not risk shattering the healing wound, ripping out the stitches and hurting yourself leaving your poor gaping heart vulnerable to pain once again. Why do this to yourself? Your ex - is not the same person as your previous ex. The best time to get back in touch with someone in your past is if you really don't care whether you can pick up again or not. And he made it quite clear as to why continuing a relationship was not a good idea in his mind: basically, his career and social placement was coming first and took precedence to an LDR. And if you're still seeing a therapist, I would actually presume they would advise you against trying to 'revive' this one. Furthermore, you know 'most people would say not to do this' - and to be honest, the majority on here will as well. I would sincerely suggest that you actually sit and listen to others. Because there is greater wisdom in experience, than in a mending heart which thinks it can take the pain..... 2
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 No. We're all going to tell you no. He's the one who ended it, he hasn't even reached out to you ONCE. It's kind of clear he did the whole, "let you down easy and keep you hanging on a string with my 'maybe we can reconcile down the road'" line. You were also only together for three months. That's essentially the trial period, and you just weren't the right fit. He's emotionally unavailable at this point and he's not in the mindset to be in a relationship. You're wasting your time barking up that tree again, and you're setting yourself up to be hurt even more. As for what happened with your ex? He was the exception. Not the rule.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I was in a short-term relationship last summer that was very intense. He also eventually told me he wasn't ready for anything serious so I let him go, just as you have, with no-contact. He still continued to "like" everything on FB that I posted and secretly, I loved knowing that he was still thinking about me, but it only prolonged my healing because those "likes" didn't amount to a hill of beans and simply kept him on my brain. I reached out to him 3 months later in an email. It was short and sweet, just saying I was thinking about him and that I hoped he was doing well. Surely, this would open the door again in case he was "scared" to, right? Well it took him 8 days to respond. An equally pleasant email. I waited 3 days and wrote back. After that - nothing. Guess what? In those three months, he had found a girl he liked enough to make HER a proper girlfriend. No. Just - no.
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