Bigcitydreamer Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Hello could you kind people please advise me on my situation? Me and my ex broke up a month ago.. He broke up with me. He did it in a horribly angry way and I had to make a lot of changes as soon as the breakup happened. For example I had to quit school and move back in with my dad an now I'm 8000kms away from him as I moved to a place where I'd be guaranteed a high paying job in my field. Now here is the problem. Before I move he found out I was going and begged me to stay like I've never seen before. He said he would I anything including quit his job that requires him to be away from home more than he is home (which wasn't even an issue for me). I told him no I was going because he broke up with me and would have to live with it. I maintained contact and have realized I made many major mistakes. I have anxiety so it caused me to not involve myself with his friends and family a whole lot, I had a bitchy condescending attitude towards him a lot of the time and if there is one thing that I do know it's that I do love him and regret not putting in more effort on my side. He was good to me in many ways. Bought me a car, paid for some of my bills and bought me an expensive dog. I regret moving this far away now. He said he will fly me back home. But I'm worried that I really didn't do anything that wrong to cause him to break up with me. We argued alot and I know I would t have my family's support in going back with him. The day we broke up it was the last day before he had to go back to work. He wanted to go to his mothers and wanted me to come. I thought it was dumb and that we should just hang out where we were or he should ask what I would like to do because I felt he focused on himself too much. So I didn't go with him. Then when he came home he purposely upset me by pretending he switched his flight to go back to work earlier. I cried for 5 mins and he said he was joking and comforted me.. Then he snapped and yelled at me for hours straight and then he broke up with me I'm so confused about what to do. I know I love him and I'm sick with regret. Please give me your opinions. I know there isn't much info to go on but I'd like to hear what you guys think and would be happy to provide more info.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I'd like to add that neither of us has lost any feelings for eachother. I know for certain I haven't and he promises that he never lost feelings either it was just that he felt he wasn't getting anything out of the relationship causing him to feel frustrated and angry. He claims he still loves me..But now I am 8000kms away. I spent over $1000 getting here, well over $1000. So I don't want to make a mistake and go back to him and regret it later on.
Kaiten Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 thats an iffy situation right there. The way you say he snapped on you makes it seem like it was out of nowhere and very abrupt. Does he have anger issues? Its always a risk to move out to a place with a SO and have no friends or family members out there. Especially if you are a girl. In my personal experience, i have pulled a number of jokes on my ex gf so much that she came to despise my shenanigans. I also broke up with her and then wanted to take her right back. In my own relationship, I was quite romantic and expressed it often. My gf loved it but did not know how to show it so strongly and creatively. Naturally i began to think i wasnt "getting anything out of it" so i broke up with her but then when she cried i took her right back. I hated seeing her cry. What worries me is that he yelled at you. Thats a big no-no for a relationships. All it does is escalate things and cause people to say things they really dont mean. The problem with this is, words can do MAJOR damage! You cant let him continue to hurt you the same way over and over. It will damage your self-image and confidence. You dont want that. Verdict: Love is always a risk. He says he still loves you? I cant vouch for him, but on behalf of all guys on the planet i can say that if it were me asking for you back, then i would have every intention of making the necessary changes to keep you and make things right again. Dont take that too personal though. Im merely saying that sincere apologies DO exist. If he snapped on you and yelled at you, causing you to cry in front of him, you need to explain that he needs to bring that under control. There is a such thing as emotional abuse. From where i stand (or sit, rather) this one looks like it can go either way. You have to follow your heart on this one. YOUR heart. And thats not always easy. And you dont always see the results up front. Its up to you to determine whether the decision you make is right. I'll be glad to reply more. Best of luck to you
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Thank you very much Kaiten for that sound advice Everything you have said makes a lot of sense. The girl that you broke up with- the one that you felt like you weren't getting anything.. Are you still with her after all of that? My ex definitely has anger issues. He is very adamant that if we do get back together what will change so that this won't happen again. I have mentioned couples counselling and he was against it because he didn't believe in it but then he brought it up himself right before the break up. I believe he wants to change as do I. It's just so hard because I am so far away from him now. My friends and family are where he is actually. I moved away from them all because of better work opportunities. I am tired of having someone pay for things for me because it leaves me with zero security. We moved away together before for the reason of me needing to find better work but I ended up hating the job and location so we moved back home. I was happy where I was but if I'm to be single it's most important that I focus on my career. It is quite the iffy situation though. Because I'm not sure if he really loves me enough. He says he does but I wonder why he couldnt talk to me about his issues instead of breaking up with me. I have a lot at stake because I now have a great job and I made it this far.. But I don't know if I will find someone I care about as much as him. I'm sure in time I would but I'd like to work on our relationship instead of finding someone new because the issues that I have with myself have to change whether I'm with him or with someone else! My biggest worry is that my family really helped me get where I am and I don't want them to be upset that I chose to go back because in their eyes he is now scum for breaking up with me in the way that he did. I am also worried that he doesn't love me enough to make those changes and he just thinks that he does because he misses me. If I were to go back to him I wouldn't have the same level of support if he chose to break up with me again. I would have to settle for a lower paying job that would make it harder to put money away in the case of an emergency or break up. I know that no one can really tell me what to do in this case because the answer isn't black and white but I do appreciate your opinions on the matter.
Kaiten Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 The girl i broke up with- she and i are no longer together. As of now we still love each other and we both miss each other. Its an extremely complicated story though haha. Hmm. I can feel what you are saying when you say you dont know if you will find someone you care about as much as him. I havent given my love (in its entirety) but to one girl truthfully so i cant tell you from experience who you will meet in your future. First let me say that your ex is going to have to swallow his pride and get the counseling or Jesus or whatever he needs to control his anger. If i were you i would wait a little and see if he starts walking in the right direction without your motivation. Get me? I noticed that you said you have to make changes on yourself whether you are with him or not. That fact that you recognize that is monumental! His change needs to be his genuine desire to change in the long run. Perhaps I can speculate at why he broke up with you without talking. Im almost certain these thought swirling around in his head for a while before he couldnt take it anymore. In the past had you opened up the floor to deep conversations much? Dont leave initiation all up to him. Dont push it if he doesnt want to talk at the time either though. Its a great thing if you and your SO can have deep conversations without being defensive. It allows both people to communicate concerns in a safe environment that is conducive to love and progression. He needs to talk to someone about the issues he has so that they dont stay bottled up in him. Does he have a best friend who's advice is trustworthy? Some things are just guy things. Encourage him to have a friend help him with his changes. (He doesnt have to be specific with the friend.) This is a hard one for you, i know. This time around the risk is all on your side. You have a lot to lose and a lot to gain, but you have no way of knowing the chances of success. Think long and hard about this one. Dont make a hasty decision! You dont have to shut him out completely but allow yourself time to heal and talk to him every so often to see where he his. Dont try to play ex bf/gf games. You have both already told each other that you still have feelings for one another.
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