Jealousy?

[Emilia]

There was nothing about someon trying to make you jealous on purpose. I responded to the first post.

 

True, it's in the 3rd post as the poster started explaining in greater detail what she wanted to discuss

 

I am thinking that my bf (now ex I guess) was trying to get a reaction out of me and when he didn't get the jealousy (or begging and pleading and stating how I needed him) that he walked. And it's sad really, bc I really care about him, and really wanted to be with him (and told him this, complete honesty) but without that jealous rage stuff, he seems to have not believed I was "really" into it.

 

Just trying to see if this is a pretty common thing or what - especially from guys.

[AnotherRound]

You were so secure and prideful that you ended up losing him....

 

Once when I was younger and stubborn I met a beautiful girl. We had the most amazing time of our life, I swear. I was always in control, being more prideful and she was the one who was giving a lot and putting up with my feeling of superiority.

 

My theory at the time was that if I just kept ME, that would mean I was secure, an attractive quality.

 

She absolutely loved me and whenever she'd ask I'd tell her that if she doesn't like this she can leave, being very sure of her feelings for me... She ended up walking... I was too stubborn to realize.

 

When people's prides get in the way it's not a good sign. 2 Prideful people can never be together, they're gonna keep butting heads. Try being humble. You'll learn a lot.

 

You mistake me for someone unwilling to compromise - I am not. I actually had already compromised a LOT for this bf's insecurities and over enmeshment with his ex - that was not the problem. I didn't say things like, "if you don't like it you can leave"... I said things like "how can I make this better for you?". But some of the things just weren't in my control - like, other people. I cannot control other people - period. That isn't something I can "fix" - I'm not that powerful. I could control myself, and change things within myself - which I was willing to do to a certain extent - compromise, if you will.

 

You have completely mistaken this situation honestly. You are assuming an awful lot - and it is missing the mark. But thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated.

[AnotherRound]

I dealt with this a fair amount since my exW was a hair stylist. I knew she had the capability and street smarts to cut any lethario off at the knees so didn't mind men being who they naturally are, meaning sexually forward with women. She was, by LS standards, obese and men still hit on her all the time. That's a function of our demographic, being more men than women around.

 

She did occasionally wonder why I didn't act more 'jealous' and I simply told her that I have no control over the men nor her, so why spend time and energy on something out of my control. Looking back, it was the same with women I dated/had LTR's with. They do what they do. Ironically, it was a MW who taught me that way back in my 20's. People do what they do.

 

That's where I am with it - that I can't control others, not even a SO - so I don't try to. If my SO chooses to be with someone else, I accept that - they are, after all, an adult and I trust that they are making the right decision for themselves. They certainly don't need me to tell them why I am wrong - or to try to sell myself to them. I trust that they can make their own decisions, and I don't try to jack that process up for them.

 

And YES - It seems like a waste of time to use up so much energy unnecessarily. If my relationship was rocky enough that I felt like I needed to be jealous (worried about my SO and what they were doing), then I just wouldn't be in that relationship. Why would I want to be a in a relationship that was filled with insecurity and jealousy and suspicion?

 

Also, if an SO is going to cheat on me, I will find out eventually, and react accordingly. But jealous? Nope - just accept it as they made a choice - and then make my own choices regarding myself.

 

I don't want any relationship that I have to cajole someone into - or convince them they should be in. I'm dating adults - and expect adult behaviors - as in, they are actively making choices and decisions and I am respecting their choices and decisions.

[AnotherRound]

I'm assuming this thread came about as a result of something that happened. It would help to have the context if you're looking for an answer to a particular situation.

 

However, I have had women hit on my H. He makes it clear he is interested only in me in that way. Admittedly, that feels good. It tells me he values what he has with me to the point that he won't allow any room for doubt in any woman's mind, nor anyone else for that matter, regarding the importance of our R to him. How outsiders view my R with my H is important to me. I like that he proudly indicates solidarity in our R!

 

I am not the jealous type either. I don't mind if he mentions the beauty of another woman, for example. He doesn't ogle, though. There's a HUGE difference.

 

Sure.

 

Dated a guy for about 5 months, really into him, things going pretty great as far as I knew (and when I asked him, he agreed, so, not giving me any indication that he was unhappy). Ex bf (who was married, but is now single) had attempted to contact me by telephone about 4 or 5 times? And had run into me a couple of times and attempted to stop me and talk... each time, I let bf know, bc we live in a small town and I didn't want him to think I was trying to hide anything from him at all. He wasn't happy about the contact (understandably, but again, out of my control) - and with bf present, I told the ex that I wasn't interested, that I had moved on, was in love with my bf and didn't want any contact bc I wanted to be in my current relationship with no distractions).

 

Bf was jealous, expressed this (somewhat, in a really roundabout way) and continuously began to think I wanted to be with my ex. No matter how much I told him otherwise (and with bf present, blocked ex's phone numbers and any other contacts) he just couldn't believe it. He admitted that he had no reason not to believe me, and that it stemmed from his own insecurities from being repeatedly cheated on by his last partner (of 17 years).

 

Recently, he "threatened" to break up with me bc of this. I calmly explained to him that if he wanted to end the relationship, I would respect that. He became really hurt by that and said that if I could have it "either way" (I guess with him or without him) that we should "just move on with our lives". To which I agreed in that, if that was his choice, again, I would respect it. I did express that I didn't want to break up, that I didn't want to be with my ex (and wouldn't even if bf and I weren't together), and loved my bf - he still didn't believe it.

[AnotherRound]

Okay. What did you mean by that? Was it in the context of "How can I make it easier for you to swallow something you aren't comfortable with that I am unwilling to change" or was it asking him what he would like you to do about the situation?

 

Lol - No, I was trying to figure out what I could do that would make him feel better about the situation - bc my ex's behaviors were out of my control. I had done everything in MY power to end the contact - and was up for any ideas he had if there was something I could do that I wasn't thinking of or missing.

 

He even, at one point, said that he thought he might have a talk with my ex - and I told him that I would support him 100% if that would make him feel better, or finalize things for him or whatever. I was on bf's side - not my ex's, and I wanted him to know that.

 

If there was something he was asking me to do that I just wasn't willing or able to do, I would have been honest with him. Problem is, he literally said that there was nothing I could do to make it better bc it was about him and his trust issues - not about me- and he readily admitted that I had done nothing to make him believe that I would be unfaithful or dishonest with him.

[AnotherRound]

When you told him you wanted to be with him, was there any emotion? I don't mean begging and crying and whining. I mean heartfelt emotion in your voice?

 

Yes! I was expressing to him, with all of my heart, that I wanted to be with him - and I did cry a little, because I was sad. I'm just not a dramatic person that way. I told him all the things I love about him, how wonderful of a man he is, and how wonderfully appreciative I was of him - I laid it ALL on the table bc I felt like he wasn't getting where I was with him, and that sucked.

 

I'm not trying to blame you here, but sometimes people need to feel you. You know what I mean?

 

Yes, I do get that. And, I don't want to give TMI, but I am very expressive in a lot of ways. I am very verbally and physically adept at showing love and affection. I am not one to touch others, only those I'm VERY close with - and I often was touching him affectionately, hugging, holding his hand, etc. He even mentioned that one night we were out that he could "see" the love I had for him in my eyes when I looked at him.

 

You have to weigh whether he is worth working through his baggage. We all get baggage as the years go by, and if he, as a person, is worth working through that, then I would ask him to join you in counseling. If it isn't worth your time, all things considered, then perhaps the R being over is the best.

 

I wouldn't say it's not worth my time - as I was willing to put a lot of energy into it, and did for a time. But, he has called it off - not me. He has ended the contact - and I honestly feel it's disrespectful to keep trying to initiate contact if they tell you they don't want it. At this point, it's not up to me - it would only be up to me if he contacted me (or responded to my latest email) with any kind of expression of wanting to be with me again. So, again - it's simply out of my control.

 

I don't want to intrude on him - especially if he is truly done and is trying to move on. I don't want to heed his progress or his healing - I want him to be happy, and if that means not being with me or not having contact with me, then I will respect that.

 

So, at this point - I don't have a "choice" regarding being with him. Although, I will say, I would consider being with him again but am much more hesitant now that some of his "baggage" is showing up pretty clearly now. I am reluctant now, and never was before - I went in feet first with him bc he is such a great guy in so many ways. I really felt like i had hit the jackpot - and that he had too in that we were so well suited for one another and so happy together. But now? I don't know as a lot of issues have come to light through this whole process...

[AnotherRound]

Issues aka baggage.

 

Yeah, that sucks. It wouldn't be disrespectful to send a letter, though, as that isn't "in your face" like phone or in person contact would be. If you think those issues could possibly be dealt with in counseling and you want a stab at it with him, I'd write him a nice letter saying so and then just let it go. He either responds or he doesn't.

 

I sent him an email last night - that is my kind of last hurrah I guess. I mean, I don't want to bother him or intrude (and that's what it feels like now). I don't know that he would want to try counseling - I'm guessing that he thinks I'm the abnormal one bc I don't react the way the other people in his life do - and kind of had that feeling from all the drama in and around his family and such. Not that my family is any better - but I avoid contact with them a lot bc of that, lol.

 

So, if he never responds, I'm okay with it. I feel like I said everything that I needed/wanted to say - expressed how I felt and such. So, if he chooses not to believe it, that's out of my control.

 

Thanks for the feedback - and yes, it does suck, bc I really thought we had a good foundation for a LT thing. But, I'm not devastated - bc I know that life does go on - I've handled far worse things than breakups - so, yeah... not unemotional or unfeeling, just - desensitized to loss and accepting of things that are out of my control.

[IAmRobot]

You mistake me for someone unwilling to compromise - I am not. I actually had already compromised a LOT for this bf's insecurities and over enmeshment with his ex - that was not the problem. I didn't say things like, "if you don't like it you can leave"... I said things like "how can I make this better for you?". But some of the things just weren't in my control - like, other people. I cannot control other people - period. That isn't something I can "fix" - I'm not that powerful. I could control myself, and change things within myself - which I was willing to do to a certain extent - compromise, if you will.

 

You have completely mistaken this situation honestly. You are assuming an awful lot - and it is missing the mark. But thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated.

 

OK, maybe I've mistaken the situation.

 

What I heard from the original OP:

 

- My bf wants me to get jealous, to show him that I care. I don't get bothered at all. HE's insecure. HE can do whatever he wants, I won't even try to "put up a fight for him". If HE wants to leave HE can leave, there's nothing I can do about it......

 

HE LEFT.

 

Finally insecurities is a very broad term. You should be more specific about what this guy did wrong, cuz I can't see much wrong in him.

He wanted more attention. You couldn't give it to him, he left... Why is that somekind of baggage?

[AnotherRound]

OK, maybe I've mistaken the situation.

 

What I heard from the original OP:

 

- My bf wants me to get jealous, to show him that I care. I don't get bothered at all. HE's insecure. HE can do whatever he wants, I won't even try to "put up a fight for him". If HE wants to leave HE can leave, there's nothing I can do about it......

 

HE LEFT.

 

Finally insecurities is a very broad term. You should be more specific about what this guy did wrong, cuz I can't see much wrong in him.

 

I don't necessarily think that he did anything "wrong". I just think he is looking for a different kind of girl than I am. I expect people to believe what I say unless they have a reason not to - and give them the same in return.

 

I do feel that if someone wants to leave me, there is little I can do about it. And tbh, I don't want to convince them - I only want them with me of their own free will and desire - not bc I convinced them... I want a willing partner, not an obligated or guilty one.

[AnotherRound]

OK, maybe I've mistaken the situation.

 

What I heard from the original OP:

 

- My bf wants me to get jealous, to show him that I care. I don't get bothered at all. HE's insecure. HE can do whatever he wants, I won't even try to "put up a fight for him". If HE wants to leave HE can leave, there's nothing I can do about it......

 

HE LEFT.

 

Finally insecurities is a very broad term. You should be more specific about what this guy did wrong, cuz I can't see much wrong in him.

He wanted more attention. You couldn't give it to him, he left... Why is that somekind of baggage?

 

Ps He got plenty of attention from me - he seems to want/need what I would call unhealthy attention. He seems to want/need to be reassured by jealous behaviors - and I'm just not that girl. If I felt insecure in a relationship, and it couldn't be sorted, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. That is not emotionally healthy for me. If I am in a relationship, it's because I feel secure with that person, and I'm not going to get jealous or possessive or feel threatened.

 

I think he is looking for a much needier type of girl - and I can't fake that for him, even if I do love him. Sometimes we love people that aren't a good fit for us - not wrong or right, it just ... is.

[Emilia]

Ps He got plenty of attention from me - he seems to want/need what I would call unhealthy attention. He seems to want/need to be reassured by jealous behaviors - and I'm just not that girl. If I felt insecure in a relationship, and it couldn't be sorted, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. That is not emotionally healthy for me. If I am in a relationship, it's because I feel secure with that person, and I'm not going to get jealous or possessive or feel threatened.

 

I think he is looking for a much needier type of girl - and I can't fake that for him, even if I do love him. Sometimes we love people that aren't a good fit for us - not wrong or right, it just ... is.

 

I think your attitude is very healthy. I'm sure you will find someone similar soon.

[AnotherRound]

I think your attitude is very healthy. I'm sure you will find someone similar soon.

 

Thank you... it took me YEARS to get to the point of really being emotionally healthy, and I don't want to go backwards ever! lol

 

Thing is - if I don't have a SO, I'm perfectly okay with that too. I think that's a beautiful freedom - the not needing to be with someone, but able to be simply bc you "want" to. So, if I find someone else, great -if I don't, great... lol. Either way, my life works out and carries on...

 

I will see if bf replies at all and go from there. Thanks for all of your feedback...

[man_in_the_box]

IMHO you guys are thinking really selfishly.

 

I often pretend to get a bit jealous to make my girl's day. Who does it hurt?

 

I HATE jealousy. From my point of view it spoiled my relationship a lot in the past - especially since jealousy is something different from concern of keeping your partner. So yes, for many partners it is a very hurtful thing to experience.

[IAmRobot]

Ps He got plenty of attention from me - he seems to want/need what I would call unhealthy attention. He seems to want/need to be reassured by jealous behaviors - and I'm just not that girl. If I felt insecure in a relationship, and it couldn't be sorted, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. That is not emotionally healthy for me. If I am in a relationship, it's because I feel secure with that person, and I'm not going to get jealous or possessive or feel threatened.

 

I think he is looking for a much needier type of girl - and I can't fake that for him, even if I do love him. Sometimes we love people that aren't a good fit for us - not wrong or right, it just ... is.

 

Maybe it's that you guys are incompatible. But not that he is insecure IMO.

 

And the fact that you are secure with that person means that HE MAKES YOU FEEL SECURE .

 

The fact that he might be insecure....... sure it might be from his issues but it most likely is because.... YOU DON'T MAKE HIM FEEL SECURE.

 

When in a couple problems are for both and to be faced by both and the only fact that you try to determine his problems as ONLY HIS, is a huge red flag to me that you are not ready for a good strong relationship.

 

Im sorry Im just being blunt

[AnotherRound]

Maybe it's that you guys are incompatible. But not that he is insecure IMO.

 

And the fact that you are secure with that person means that HE MAKES YOU FEEL SECURE .

 

The fact that he might be insecure....... sure it might be from his issues but it most likely is because.... YOU DON'T MAKE HIM FEEL SECURE.

 

When in a couple problems are for both and to be faced by both and the only fact that you try to determine his problems as ONLY HIS, is a huge red flag to me that you are not ready for a good strong relationship.

 

Im sorry Im just being blunt

 

Well - you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I do not think it's my job to "make" him feel secure - I think that has to come from within. You either are, or you aren't - and if you are, then nobody can "take" that from you.

 

How old are you by the way? Just curious...

[IAmRobot]

Well - you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I do not think it's my job to "make" him feel secure - I think that has to come from within. You either are, or you aren't - and if you are, then nobody can "take" that from you.

 

How old are you by the way? Just curious...

 

Age is not wisdom.

 

You see, you see it all as a "job", as a "chore". Relationships shouldn't be that. You should be with this person because you LOVE him and you'd do anything for him.

 

I am actually BAFFLED at the amount of relationships nowadays that start without the primary component... i.e - love.

 

Believe me I used to think like that. I was this "secure" self reliant person, that thought that nothing could penetrate my skin, but the truth was that I was just being afraid to jump into anything. Im sure you'll find someone that will actually make you feel something and then you'll realize the difference.

 

And since you came here to ask, I am assuming that you are not "oh so sure" about what you say.

 

Cheers,

[AnotherRound]

Age is not wisdom.

 

You see, you see it all as a "job", as a "chore". Relationships shouldn't be that. You should be with this person because you LOVE him and you'd do anything for him.

 

I am actually BAFFLED at the amount of relationships nowadays that start without the primary component... i.e - love.

 

Believe me I used to think like that. I was this "secure" self reliant person, that thought that nothing could penetrate my skin, but the truth was that I was just being afraid to jump into anything. Im sure you'll find someone that will actually make you feel something and then you'll realize the difference.

 

And since you came here to ask, I am assuming that you are not "oh so sure" about what you say.

 

Cheers,

 

So - you won't tell me your age? I agree, not all age is wisdom - but you seem to have a very young view of relationships regarding this jealousy thing. That's why I asked. I remember those days, of thinking it was so cool if my little boyfriend would be all jealous and possessive of me. As a young adolescent, I did indeed equate that to devotion. Nowadays, I see it for what it is - insecurity (which bf admitted by the way) and lower level emotional maturity functioning.

 

No offense - we all have to do things the way we feel best about. So, carry on - I hope that your stuff works out for you. I will carry on the way I know is best for me and I'm sure it will all work out.

[IAmRobot]

So - you won't tell me your age? I agree, not all age is wisdom - but you seem to have a very young view of relationships regarding this jealousy thing. That's why I asked. I remember those days, of thinking it was so cool if my little boyfriend would be all jealous and possessive of me. As a young adolescent, I did indeed equate that to devotion. Nowadays, I see it for what it is - insecurity (which bf admitted by the way) and lower level emotional maturity functioning.

 

No offense - we all have to do things the way we feel best about. So, carry on - I hope that your stuff works out for you. I will carry on the way I know is best for me and I'm sure it will all work out.

 

... You were the one here asking for advice...

 

And honestly, how old are YOU? Cuz if you're over a certain age and still haven't found someone, you should try looking inside rather than outside for problems.

[AnotherRound]

... You were the one here asking for advice...

 

And honestly, how old are YOU? Cuz if you're over a certain age and still haven't found someone, you should try looking inside rather than outside for problems.

 

Lol - okay. And what age would that be, pray tell? I see that you have some very old fashioned ideas about women - which was showing in your other posts too, that's all I was trying to confirm. I'm not "looking" for someone... lol - just taking the universe as it presents itself.

 

I guess we won't share our ages, lol. Thanks for the input!

[IAmRobot]

Lol - okay. And what age would that be, pray tell? I see that you have some very old fashioned ideas about women - which was showing in your other posts too, that's all I was trying to confirm. I'm not "looking" for someone... lol - just taking the universe as it presents itself.

 

I guess we won't share our ages, lol. Thanks for the input!

 

Instead of old fashioned, I'll say different points of views. But I honestly find it funny (and the reason I'm posting so much here) is because I HAVE HAD YOUR same thought process...

 

And if you're not looking for someone then why bother having a bf?

If you like sex just have sex, if you like to have an emotional connection have that. Why bother committing? If you see no purpose behind it? Why tell someone you're committing to them when in reality you know you'll always just be committed to yourself?

 

Cheers,

[KathyM]

I think he did - but honestly, I just didn't feel threatened. I believed that he loved me and would be faithful - so there was no reason for me to be jealous. I laughed about it sometimes, bc it was a bit humorous to see someone trying to insert themselves, but jealous? Nah - maybe if I had felt threatened, but I never did. I just trusted him and didn't think he would choose someone else.

 

I did show feeling to him - I just didn't overreact (which is what I would consider getting all jealous bc someone else paid him some attention). I just didn't feel jealous bc I was secure in his interest in and devotion to me. I would have never guessed that a man would want a woman to act all "psycho"... I thought they hated that? lol

 

I can't express feelings of jealousy if I don't have them. Too bad for him that is in no way any indication of what I feel for him. I was telling him and showing him daily how I felt about him - but he needed that jealousy thing? That's weird to me - and seems awfully gamey - ????

 

And he was pretty jealous of my exMM - so maybe he was upset that I wasn't threatened and he was? Honestly, he had no reason to feel threatened, and I did all I could to help him see that - but it's up to him to believe it or not, and to feel secure (I offered to do anything he needed to help him with that).

 

This is so strange to me that people truly equate jealousy with love or investment and equate not having jealousy to being unemotional or not caring. I don't think jealousy is a "normal" emotion - why would you feel jealous if you are secure in your relationship? Why wouldn't you just laugh it off? Unless of course you are insecure and truly believe that someone can "steal" someone from you that really cares about you - which I don't. If we are good together, and have a solid relationship, I don't think anyone can influence my SO away from me - and if they chose to go elsewhere, well - that is their choice, they are an adult.

 

Game playing is ridiculous and does not show commitment or investment - it shows insecurity and immaturity and really terrible communication skills (not being able to just say what you mean and mean what you say).

I'm not suggesting game playing, jealousy, insecurity, or freaking out about attention he may get from other women that is unsolicited or unreciprocated. But a non-response can be interpreted by him as lack of caring/lack of investment in the relationship. A person can dislike or be annoyed with people who cross boundaries and hit on your spouse. That doesn't mean they are jealous or playing games, or are afraid their spouse will be unfaithful. Women hit on my husband a lot, knowing full well that he is married, and I get annoyed with that, and I express my annoyance to him when I hear of it. If I had given no response or acted like I didn't care that women were crossing boundaries with my husband, of course he would think I really don't care enough about him. I trust my husband completely, and I know these women are no threat to me or our marriage, I just don't like them crossing boundaries with my husband. If I acted like I was O.K. with it, or didn't mind that they did that, then that could very well give him the impression that he was not valued enough for me to care.

[pbjbear]

IMHO you guys are thinking really selfishly.

 

I often pretend to get a bit jealous to make my girl's day. Who does it hurt?

 

If you know your bf likes it if you get a bit jealous.... for god's sake get a bit jealous. Why is it such a big deal to you? He's not manipulating you, he's not insecure (term that is put onto anything nowadays), he's just a human and like any human likes his ego strokes once in a while.

 

Again, if you can't compromise on something as small as "small attention needs", then you're probably better off alone.

 

Cheers,

 

LOL, another post where you "pretend" to have emotions for your gf. I feel sorry for her...I wonder when she will figure out that you dont have any real emotions towards her or that they are lukewarm. That wont feel good when she realizes that...your username is 100% accurate.

 

I dont think youd be able to give "genuine attention needs" if you tried

[salparadise]

...or get a response you want. Being able to handle whatever response you get bc you respect that the other person has a right to their choices too.

 

I don't even consider it pride in myself - just security. And, accepting that if someone I with chooses someone else, that's their right - it makes me sad, but not devastated. Do you have to be devastated, not functioning, for it to have been "real"????

 

I know these women are no threat to me or our marriage, I just don't like them crossing boundaries with my husband. If I acted like I was O.K. with it, or didn't mind that they did that, then that could very well give him the impression that he was not valued enough for me to care.

 

Interesting conversation- I read the whole thread and I think excellent points are being made on both sides of the equation. What it comes down to is often nuance in the expression of feelings... whether you're giving the other what they need and expect.

 

When we communicate, especially in the context of intimate relationships, there is [nearly] always an expected or anticipated response. We often say things for the express purpose of initiating a specific response that we desire from the other person. The range of acceptable responses is often broad with people who are healthy, secure, open and aware. It can be quite narrow or specific for people who are anxious (neurotic).

 

But in the context of intimate relationships the range tends to be much narrower than with friends and acquaintances because we are highly attuned and sense what the other needs and we want to give it to them. The more precisely we match the expectation with our responses the more validating it is to the other, and the cumulative effect of doing this reliably for each other is intimacy, closeness and security. This is essentially the fabric relationships are woven from... the molecules that make chemistry between two people. Of course it's not just words. Body language, eye contact, voice inflection, timing and every other cue is part of the overall effectiveness our responses in meeting the need and expectation of the other person.

 

Jealousy nearly always gets a bad rap, but in normal quantities it's healthy and the predisposition exists within almost everyone. It's part of the glue that binds people together. It's only when jealously is nearly absent or too extreme that it becomes an issue. It does serve the important purpose of validating and expressing emotional investment in relationships.

 

AnotherRound, I think it's a crying shame that an otherwise good relationship ended due to these issues. Here is what I suspect may have happened (not that I claim to have it nailed) ... you adapted (reduced) your emotional responses over time using cognitive techniques based on the assumption that jealously is generally not a healthy emotional response, and that secure people don't have much need for it. Your BF simply needs more validation and expression of your emotional investment than he was receiving, perhaps due to dysfunctional relationships in the past. He most likely asked to receive validating responses in other ways as well and didn't get them to the degree he needed to feel a strong, secure connection. He probably needs to feel it in more tangible ways than you do. If the gulf between your styles is the width of the Grand Canyon than maybe it's just too much, but if you can adjust the feedback loop such that he feels connected without having to prompt it by attempting to trigger jealousy, then perhaps a bit of understanding and adjustment is all you need to make it work. I hope it does work out for you.

[IAmRobot]

LOL, another post where you "pretend" to have emotions for your gf. I feel sorry for her...I wonder when she will figure out that you dont have any real emotions towards her or that they are lukewarm.

 

That argument doesn't exist, since I even tell her that sometimes I act jealous cuz I know she likes it.

We're communicative and smart enough to fulfill each others needs.

 

And believe me I've been with many many girls and I've never cared about someone so much, but if you say that my feelings are lukewarm... I guess so:rolleyes:

[chucksagent]

It's a shame you view giving someone what they want as a bad thing.

 

Now, don't misunderstand me. If he was needy across the board, and a pain to deal with, and immature across the board, THEN that would be different. But man o man, you said it yourself, otherwise he was GREAT.

 

Well, if you are looking for a PERFECT person, it might be why you are 50 and still looking. This is not meant as an insult, but as a lesson I had to learn for myself through a LONG journey of self discovery. I was on the EXACT same path.

 

And like you, I also HATE doing something stupid JUST for someone elses benefit. I agree (you are 100% right) that you shouldn't HAVE to play games to make someone else feel safe or secure. Hear me again. YOU ARE RIGHT. You are NOT wrong. But guess what, they WANT a desired outcome, you ARE NOT giving it cause you are too proud, and what did it lead to? It lead to this? So you have to ask yourself if you are happy. If you are, good for you, continue to persecute people because they don't live in your image, but I can tell you from personal experience, it will lead to loneliness. And hey, some people are fine with that, and more power to you. But I personally wanted kids, companionship, and a partner to take on life with.

 

I agree though, I HATE when people allow flirting or jealous situations JUST to elicit a response. That's ironically one of my BIGGEST pet peeves haha so I can totally relate and agree. But as I said, everyone is different. Remember, he is the sum of his parts. So if you love HIM, you should accept even the parts (even if just a few) you wish worked better. Lol. See what I mean?

 

NOW....I will say another thing...BOUDNARY'S ARE NORMAL. I agree with KATHYM 100% that "being jealous" isn't always this DEMONIC thing liberals make it out to be. Like caring about someone and being territorial isn't normal...lol...probably THE most BASIC human instinct hahah to protect something you care about hahaha when you did it to friends or children it's "beautiful" and "healthy" and "loyal" but to a significant other it's "controlling." hahaha ok sheep baaaah baaaaah buy some more of that LIBERAL PROPOGANDA why don't you hahaha and I'm no republican, I'm an independent, and the right has propaganda too (religion), but you guys gotta start thinking for yourselves...Stop it with this gang mentality of whatever the "it people" say is the way. ASK YOURSELF...BE REASONABLE....

 

The REASONABLE thing to do in a situation where someone crosses a boundary is to DISTANCE yourself from that person and ask them to stop. That is NORMAL and REASONABLE. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It isn't controlling or unreasonable to say "Hey, I don't appreciate that guy flirting with you on FB when he can CLEARLY SEE you are in a relationship with me." It's very annoying.

 

And I pick on liberals, because I have a VERY large network of friends. And one time I had a HUGE party (X-Mas) and we had a debate about making infidelity a punishable crime...EVERY SINGLE republican and independant that was there was like "Yeah, I don't oppose it/I support it." NOT ONE SINGLE LIBERAL agreed!!!!!!! hahahah and I can say from knowing them all personally, 1 or 2 of the republicans/independants have cheated on their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses....at one time or another....BUT, I kid you not, just about EVERY liberal I knew who opposed it was someone who either CHEATED on someone else, or slept with a wife or husband of someone who WAS married....

 

I have no dog in the liberal/conservative race, but I DEF notice as an impartial 3rd party that liberal people tend to BLUR the already clear lines of reasonableness in relationships. Being upset or mad that someone is flirting with your significant other and they ARE NOT stopping is NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE and REASONABLE.