Coping Vortex Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Last week was the final nail in the coffin. She told me flat out she was in love with her new bf of 4 months and is committed to him. I had asked her to see me one last time to say goodbye. I knew this girl for many years and knowing I would never see her again didn't sit well with me. I accepted she was his but wanted one last chance to remember her. She refused. She said he would not like it if she saw me. Hmmmm maybe he wouldn't like it two months ago when you had sex with me in my car. What kind of logic is that? Anyway I told her I would write a closure email getting all my final thoughts out. I decided against the email I figured its a complete waste of time. And went NC. Well today my ex contacted me today and said she missed texting me. That I was always easy to talk to. I think she wanted to friend zone me and start up texting like we used to when we were a couple. She missed all our texting. WTF? Why doesn't she text her bf? Won't he be upset that she is texting me? if she can't see me why is texting me ok? She also wanted to know how come I never sent that email. I responded back that I thought it wouldn't have mattered to her anyway so I decided against it. I also told her I needed to move on and get over her. She said she understood. Where does she get off thinking that she can have her bf and me to text when she wants? Does she really feel she is entitled to have everything she wants? If her bf isn't easy to talk to like me maybe she needs to dump him!! She had everything with me. She broke my heart now she misses me or there is trouble in paradise? I'm stunned at the arrogance. She was merciless last week now she needs me as a friend. She is bored in her new job and I guess she is desperate for someone to chat with. If her bf lacks what I have then she needs to dump him. Is she wants a piece of me she needs to take on all of me.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Props to you for standing up to it finally.
crimsoncurrent Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 From what little I know about your situation, I remember you mentioned that you've dealt with guilt because of your responsibility with the relationship ending, I think. Well, if I was in your position, my first inclination would be to befriend her, wanting to be included in her life to some degree. But, in your vulnerable emotional state right now, I don't necessarily think its a great idea to pursue. I think the logical outcome is only emotional torture for you, speculating she might come over, waiting and hoping for that moment is breaks it off with her current boyfriend. But, even if that was to happen, you still might not be next in line. I think it'll be unnecessarily complicated for you, man.
iouaname Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) Where does she get off thinking that she can have her bf and me to text when she wants? Does she really feel she is entitled to have everything she wants? Well I mean, she's getting it, isn't she? Her boyfriend is still with her so I'm assuming he's fine with the situation or doesn't know about it, and you're willing to take whatever scraps she'll give you so it works out perfectly for her. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much, it sucks, but you kind of don't take anyone's advice and just declare that it's too complicated/grey for us to understand... and then this happens and you wonder why? We all have weaknesses and weak moments. This is... you're doing this to yourself at this point. You have the power to stop it. Edited March 21, 2013 by iouaname 4
lovnlost Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 1. I do not asked a girl out with the hopes to only be her Gay Best Friend. I am either the guy they are dating, their BF or their husband. I am not their friend and I never will be. 2. I don't pursue or give someone the time of day if they have a boyfriend or just got out of a relationship. 3. It's not my job to convince someone who dumped me to want me back. It's their job to convince me that I want them back. These are just three of the many basic rules a guy follows without question when he loves himself, is "healthy", has self-respect, knows his worth, etc. When you decide for yourself to actually follow the three rules listed above... I will share the rest of them with you. well said...I am working on these even as we speak!
calgary Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 she definitely still wants you if she wants to text constantly. she's worried about meeting up because he'd get mad.. she's probably testing the waters wondering if it's worth leaving him for you. play your cards right in the texts and i think you have a chance. but then who is to say that she won't cheat on you with him eventually? i wouldn't be happy with my girlfriend constantly texting her ex. it's not right man. but you're the other guy. it's your call, i think you could get her back though. it's just if you want her back or not after she's been with someone else.
Thunderchild Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 1. I do not asked a girl out with the hopes to only be her Gay Best Friend. I am either the guy they are dating, their BF or their husband. I am not their friend and I never will be. 2. I don't pursue or give someone the time of day if they have a boyfriend or just got out of a relationship. 3. It's not my job to convince someone who dumped me to want me back. It's their job to convince me that I want them back. These are just three of the many basic rules a guy follows without question when he loves himself, is "healthy", has self-respect, knows his worth, etc. When you decide for yourself to actually follow the three rules listed above... I will share the rest of them with you. Awesome!!!!!
Melrapuo Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 This girl is just bad news. So she's dating this guy, loves him, but sleeps with you WHILE claiming all that? What's to say if you were the bf that she wouldn't be doing all if this behind YOUR back? Why do you even want this girl anymore? Seriously, give that some hard thought.
js1967 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Man, this sucks for you! what the heck, Im actually pissed off for you. I guess he wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Heck your the one in control her, tell her to shove off. Wait...dont tell her anything, just ignore it. I will also counter the suggestion to play your cards right and maybe you will get her back. ask yourself, why do you want her back? I personally do Not want to be with anyone who would play with emotions like this. 'friends dont do this kind of thing to other friends' Good luck, be tough here. Go for a run or something and get your brain right.
Jono85 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 dude you create all these threads playing the victim, looking for sympathy, but you create all of these situations yourself. it's sad.
Chi townD Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Dude, she contacts you and says that she misses texting you (okay...I guess that's the ONLY thing she was missing is what you should have took from that) and what is the first thing you do? You contact her....dude, you gave her exactly what she wanted. Now she knows that if she trying hard enough, she can get you to respond.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) Not that I am in any strong and secure place to be offering advice, but I have been following your story and do have an opinion. I agree with those who advise against any further contact with her. In a few months, when you are clear of this situation, you will be sooo glad you did. She is bad news and untrustworthy. Even if you did get her back, how long would it be before she just thrashed you emotionally again with another one of these episodes? Go NC all the way. You are just feeling like you need this right now, but you don't. What I have been doing is really examining the incompatibilities, the aspects of the relationship that I didn't like and the things she did or didn't do that bothered me. She was NOT perfect. Take her off that high, high pedestal. My ex was 10x better than anyone else I had ever dated. Crazy good looking, smart, funny, talented, sexy and 10 years younger than my old a.ss. The list goes on and on. But I am slowly getting to a point where I am OK with letting that go (even though I am worried that I may not find another like her for a while, or ever. Oh well ) Anyway, that really helps me see that this is for the best. Stay strong. We WILL get through this!!! Edited March 21, 2013 by mtnbiker3000 1
cavalier99 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Coping - Well ...you know what it think. Cav Im almost 6 months NC and dont have these issues and am begining to actually feel happy. My ex of 8 years could be dead and i wouldnt know (i dont wish this just making a point). All i can say is it is better this way. 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Let......It.......Go. For your benefit snd ours
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 she definitely still wants you if she wants to text constantly. she's worried about meeting up because he'd get mad.. she's probably testing the waters wondering if it's worth leaving him for you. play your cards right in the texts and i think you have a chance. but then who is to say that she won't cheat on you with him eventually? i wouldn't be happy with my girlfriend constantly texting her ex. it's not right man. but you're the other guy. it's your call, i think you could get her back though. it's just if you want her back or not after she's been with someone else. She has vacillated over the course of the BU. She would tell me she is not in love with me then weeks later say she was. It has been back forth of NC to LC to us seeing each other a few times over the course of the BU. The last two major contacts before yesterday was about 3 weeks ago she said texted me out of the blue. I told her at this point let's end the back and forth and say goodbye. She said she is not giving up on us and that they aren't really as tight as I think etc. She disappeared for 3 weeks and I went NC I didn't contact her. Last Wed she reached out to wish me a happy birthday. We texted a bit. I asked her about her statement of she was not giving up on us. I knew it was nonsense but i wanted to see what she would say. She then dropped the bomb that she is on total love with him and that she she is committed to him and she can't see me in person again. So I went NC after that. Then she contacts me yesterday. Believe me I know this girl to an extent on what she is thinking then at other times I have no idea. I know she has certain quirks on how she acts and responds but at other times I have no idea. If she is committed as she says and she feels seeing me in person again is not OK. Why does she even bother to reach out? she has her man. It was clear. She made it sound she is being faithful. If so why is texting OK but talking or seeing me is not. Does she think she is being faithful to him by texting me? Sometimes texting me about how great our sex life was. I wonder how he feels about that? if she felt like keeping the door open even to string me along why not say the "i'm not giving up on us line again?" Instead she seemed resolute in her decision. So why bother texting me???? It has now become a psychology experiment to see what she could possibly be thinking LOL!!! I gave up trying to get her back awhile ago. Trust me we met several times over the course of the past months kissed, hugged cried and had sex. If that didn't get us back I'm sure she is not going to now. So no I'm not delusional in thinking she is coming back. Oh if he dumped her maybe. But I can tell this guy isn't going anywhere. I am just intrigued by what on earth her thought process can be. I need some popcorn.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 This girl is just bad news. So she's dating this guy, loves him, but sleeps with you WHILE claiming all that? What's to say if you were the bf that she wouldn't be doing all if this behind YOUR back? Why do you even want this girl anymore? Seriously, give that some hard thought. Well we dated for years. She has only known him for months. We had a very intense relationship. We got caught up in the emotions when we see each other. I blame it on that. She can be a faithful girl but i think there are a lot of pent up feelings of love between us. I think she has been fighting hard to make that relationship work. Its a total rebound. If she kept seeing me she would have intense feelings for me she knows it. So try to keep her distance but she can't seem to at times I guess.
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 This girl is just bad news. So she's dating this guy, loves him, but sleeps with you WHILE claiming all that? What's to say if you were the bf that she wouldn't be doing all if this behind YOUR back? Why do you even want this girl anymore? Seriously, give that some hard thought. We dated for years. She has only known him for months. We had a very intense relationship. We got caught up in the emotions when we see each other. I blame it on that. She can be a faithful girl but i think there are a lot of pent up feelings of love between us. I think she has been fighting hard to make that relationship work. Its a total rebound. If she kept seeing me she would have intense feelings for me she knows it. So she tries to keep her distance but she can't seem to I guess.
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 As a girl who has been in love multiple times in my opinion I believe she is doing the have your cake and eat it too thing. If she is with someone else fully knowing you wanted her back well then it goes to show what she wants. You probably made mistakes in your relationship but if she was either bit willing to fix things with you I think she would at least not be with this other guy. She is keeping you on the back burner, and maybe one day she might very well come back if she doesn't find something better. That sucks big time. I think you would do best with NC until you get the MSG "I want you back" and even then id be hesitant to take her back. People sometimes don't realize what they had for years down the road but you can't very well sit there and think of her day in and day out if she is with someone else. So ya, I'd go NC fully because I find each time you talk to an ex it's like going through the break up all over again. So go nc because it seems that she hasn't had the chance to even live without you completely and that's what she needs and you need. The outcome does not look very good though but that is only my theory.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Brutal. But necessary and true!! Hey, we all think delusional thoughts after a BU, but time to come back to planet earth. I really do wish you good luck. And therapy really may help. It's helping me
Author Coping Vortex Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 And your point is? You IMAGINE that your Ex and your relationship is "special", "different" than what the rest of us has had. What does that have to do with anything? "Had" is the key word. What in the hell does this even mean? You IMAGINE the everyone else doesn't have emotions when we think or see the people they love? You IMAGINE your Ex and her new man don't have emotions when they see each other even though she her told you otherwise and she loves him? Blame what on what? Your break up? So with the next one you aren't going to have emotion? Do you IMAGINE that will work? If you want to IMAGINE the cause of your break up on something... At least IMAGINE the truth... Her feelings for you changed, she thinks / feels / believes / knows / certain that her life is better off without you in it, no longer wanted to be with you and why she dumped you. That's what happened to you and what our Exes thought about us too. How can you honestly IMAGINE / say / believe this with a straight face? 1. You IMAGINE that she can be faithful even though she cheated on him and is still communicating with you while in love with another guy? 2. You IMAGINE there is love on her part even after she broke up with you, dating someone else, sleeping with him, telling you she loves him? I'm actually going to IMAGINE here for a second... The day that you finally realize that she didn't think you were worthy to fight for. How on earth can you say / think / IMAGINE this when you just admitted she is fighting hard for her new relationship and didn't with yours? Since you IMAGINE this new guy is a rebound and worthy enough for her to fight for... You must of been a guy she dated out of convenience since she didn't deem you worthy to fight for. How can you IMAGINE this being true? She dumped you, started dating someone else, sleeping with him, fighting for their relationship and told you herself she is in love with him. What does she have to do to prove to you that she doesn't love, desire, care or want you anymore? Marry the guy? Have a kid with him? Put up a Billboard? Get a restraining order against you? This again is what you IMAGINE to be true. She isn't being distant... She is CHOOSING to give herself and her time to the man she is in love with... Who happens not to be YOU! You are IMAGINING things which clearly are not true and now you think your Ex being with, dating, sleeping and in love with another man means she loves / wants you. You are not well and need to seek Professional Help ASAP. Get over the dramatics. I am fine. Yes I know this girl. And I'm not imagining anything that isnt real. His many times did you use the word imagine? Really. You are getting very upset. I think you are the one that needs help my friend. I already stated I know what she is doing and why. I have no thoughts that she is coming back as I stated in my post. Yes she is in love with the new guy but she is not completely happy that is why she plays these games. She suffers from very low self esteem. Her ex husband put her down every chance he could. Trust me I know her. When this guy paid attention to her after our bu she gravitated toward him. She has a hard time letting go because of it. She got with me because of her low self esteem. I know she does have feelings for me. But she had been struggling between two men paying attention to her. Except after the bu I was nc for a few weeks and the new guy paid attention to her and she was trying to get over me. She formed a bond with him right away. Due to the low self esteem. Rebound. That is the definition. Deep down she does love me a bit still. We didn't have an acrimonious bu. it was our situation that led to it. She formed a love bond with the new guy and she is scared to bu. he had been with her physically. I haven't seen her in months it's tough to form any bond when you can't be with someone. It's easier for her to stay with him now. Plus she does love him. Hence no reason to comeback to me logistically. That doesn't mean she feels nothing for me. I still have ex's I love and could probably date tomorrow and have a great relationship. Not all relationships end due to lack of love for a person. Sometimes other issues get in the way. She didn't leave me for him. It was our living arrangement. Trust me folks I have no illusions she is coming back. I have tried months ago. I am in a different place now. I'm just intrigued by her actions. I think the shine is off the relationship. As much she loves him. We had a more intense love bond she confirmed that. That being said she does love him. I think she misses some of what we had. Thats all. That's it in a nut shell
cavalier99 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Get over the dramatics. I am fine. Yes I know this girl. And I'm not imagining anything that isnt real. His many times did you use the word imagine? Really. You are getting very upset. I think you are the one that needs help my friend. I already stated I know what she is doing and why. I have no thoughts that she is coming back as I stated in my post. Yes she is in love with the new guy but she is not completely happy that is why she plays these games. She suffers from very low self esteem. Her ex husband put her down every chance he could. Trust me I know her. When this guy paid attention to her after our bu she gravitated toward him. She has a hard time letting go because of it. She got with me because of her low self esteem. I know she does have feelings for me. But she had been struggling between two men paying attention to her. Except after the bu I was nc for a few weeks and the new guy paid attention to her and she was trying to get over me. She formed a bond with him right away. Due to the low self esteem. Rebound. That is the definition. Deep down she does love me a bit still. We didn't have an acrimonious bu. it was our situation that led to it. She formed a love bond with the new guy and she is scared to bu. he had been with her physically. I haven't seen her in months it's tough to form any bond when you can't be with someone. It's easier for her to stay with him now. Plus she does love him. Hence no reason to comeback to me logistically. That doesn't mean she feels nothing for me. I still have ex's I love and could probably date tomorrow and have a great relationship. Not all relationships end due to lack of love for a person. Sometimes other issues get in the way. She didn't leave me for him. It was our living arrangement. Trust me folks I have no illusions she is coming back. I have tried months ago. I am in a different place now. I'm just intrigued by her actions. I think the shine is off the relationship. As much she loves him. We had a more intense love bond she confirmed that. That being said she does love him. I think she misses some of what we had. Thats all. That's it in a nut shell Coping you may be 100 percent right. Unfortunately at this point what does it matter? Any thoughs towards this are a waste of time. That is the main issue and why we all say go NC. Time to move on bro. Cav
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