We broke up. He's looking for me to still be his shoulder and support

[lizzies]

Saw each other for over a year. It was mostly about him the entire time (I know, my fault for allowing it to continue)... we broke up a little over a month ago, yet he is upset with me because I won't be there for him in all of his recent troubles. I've told him I need some space before I can be his friend.. .which means little to no contact for a while - that's because every time we HAVE been in contact he keeps bringing up our relationship and that he misses me and loves me etc... I told him it hurts too much to hear that because we cannot be in a relationship like that... it just doesn't work at all. But that if it works for us both, I'd like to someday be good friends. That may or may not happen, but it would be nice to remain friends once the 'break up period' is over. Perhaps that's unrealistic given that he is still stuck in this. He actually gets upset with me because i can't be the person to help him with his dog, and help him pick out things for his new house, and help him move, and keep him company because he is lonely... sigh. I don't want to abandon him but it seems I am going to have to. He needs space to get his personal life on track just like I do.... he doesn't see that and that makes me feel terrible. :-(

[mallory.song]

It sounds like you got attached to someone who wasn't worth it. I thought relationships were about two people so why was it about him most of the time? Now he's upset bc you won't be there for him? No means to insult him but he sounds either dependent or narcissistic.Two people need each other to be in a relationship but you guys really need time apart. That'll help put things in perspective

[lizzies]

Thanks... I care too much... he'll send me texts saying he thought what we had was lasting event though we aren't 'together'... he says that he can see now that my love was conditional otherwise I would be there for him now and help him when he needs it so much. ugh. My first instinct is to be a kind and giving person, and see what I can do while retaining the boundaries I need in order to move forward... I am seeing now that I can't do anything to help him because HE doesn't want to move forward (he wants to be back together), and because it wouldn't allow me to move forward. He's very good at manipulating ... he's incredibly intelligent. At least I know that. I do think he has narcissistic tendencies.. He will call (well he used to) and talk non-stop for 45 minutes telling me all about his troubles and I literally might get 25 words in in that entire time. That's how it's been, yet he doesn't see it. He tells me he misses hearing all about me and my life.. Hahaha.... he never ever listened to me when I tried sharing with him - not more than letting me talk a few sentences, then it was back to him and his day...

Thanks for the reply. Even though I KNOW we need to stay apart, I do still need the affirmation from others to remind me that I'm RIGHT to stay apart. Both for him and for myself. My heart just wants to help but short term help won't help in the long run.

[mallory.song]

Good for you for taking a stand. As you mentioned, he does sound manipulative.

 

If he really cared for you, he'd have known that he should also meet your needs and it looks like they weren't being met.

 

Also, if you're kind enough to listen and be kind by your first instinct... there's so many other guys out there that are better and more than willing to treat you better.

 

Believe it.

[lizzies]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. The support helps me stand by my decision.

I read another thread you posted Mallory... I'm so very sorry about what you're going through. For me, I don't think I could trust that he wouldn't go back to doing the same thing once the relationship was back 'on track'...If it's a need in him to satisfy himself while not only looking at other women he doesn't know but to do it w/pics of women you BOTH know, I don't think he will just stop.. OR, the real issue is that he sees no problem with the whole idea, and that is a boundary issue. Boundary issues are usually not something that will just go away. People have within them guidelines for what they think are right and wrong, and if those that relate to relationships don't match up between two people, I think it's always going to cause issues.

 

I'm sorry...it's just how I feel. I know from personal experience that I have stayed in relationships WAY WAY too long hoping things will change and get better ... they just usually do not. One was 13 years, the next 7, and the last 1.5 yrs. LOL... I'm getting better at getting out but there's room for improvement! :-) Cheer up. As you said to me, there's someone else out there who will match your boundaries and love you and treat you well :-)

[Thunderchild]

Yep - tell him to clear off, don't even consider thikning about going back to him. He has no consideration or respect for you - that should be enough to motivate you to move on.