xApathy Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Heya, people. Hope all is well. I am a 20 male. This is my second time posting here; sadly both times have not been for particularly cheery. Basically I am hoping to get some advice to help mend and heal our relationship. This may be a long post so I apologise in advance and I want to clarify I really do love my girlfriend and I would genuinely do anything for her.Me and my girlfriend have been going out for almost 8months now and it seems to be nothing but a roller-coaster, with there being a hell of a lot more ups than downs. You see me and my girlfriend seem to get into arguments a lot and it is starting to really take a toll, to a point where I do not even want to see her at times in case an argument breaks out. My girlfriend seems to have this view that I am never allowed to be upset over any action she does as it will make her feel bad, this will then result into a massive argument, some lasting 6hours and some even turning physical, with her attacking me, I have never hit her. During these arguments she says many times how she wants to break up and leave me. When I say okay and begin to act on it after telling her this is not what I want, she will break down and cry and say how it is me leaving her and she does not want any of it. She never takes reasonability for her actions and if I feel things did not get fixed or I want to clear the air or tell her how I did not appreciate what she said or it is disgusting she hit me, she will scream at me for ‘bringing up the past’ and my number one thing I like to do is try bring her down and make her feel bad. Some of our issues came from a time she got way too drunk and just assumed that since I was a guy it was okay for her to kiss girls. Which I am sure many people would agree with that that is not okay and I am not some brute that thinks her doing this is okay because it is ‘hot’ and not another guy. It is a betrayal of my trust. She did this on more than one occasion when she got too drunk and I told her that it has shaken my trust that she done that and it makes me uncomfortable now when she gets to a certain stage of being drunk and usually when she has too much to drink she will look for an argument which usually ends in me getting hit. Not that it is particularly hard or is often, it is just the fact she lifts her hands to me which is very frustrating. What pains me the most is after an incident it all I have to try and push and push and push her to say sorry and try fix things. Do not get me wrong, when she realises and calms down that she has done wrong she could not be more apologetic and sorry, to the point where she has been in tears and could not even look at me because she felt so ashamed, she does care she just has a funny way of showing it, and I do not doubt that she is in love with me because when things are going good they are perfect. We just seem to have a bad argument once or twice a week. She also seems to think that once she says sorry that is it and I can no longer be annoyed at what happened or be upset over what she said to me during the argument or anything like that, I am never allowed to be affected by her actions. The reason I am posting this is because a few weekends ago, she slapped me and asked me to leave her house because she got the assumption that I was mad at her because I had my head in my hands? She can honestly seem so insane at times. But anyway ssince then I do not really feel the want to see her or spend time with her, I am sick of being hit. She has done it maybe 3-4 times in our relationship and I am just sick of it. She has lowered my confidence as she will always try and put the blame for every argument we have always on me and it was my fault for this and that and insult me. Then she will apologise and say she is so sorry for being such a horrible person, I know she is saying it out of anger but it still gets to me. Makes me feel worthless. Do you think there is anything we can do to save this relationship? She is the nicest person ever and I do love her when we are not arguing. She is always so sorry over her actions but it is a pattern I can no longer deal with, it is too upsetting.She has offered to stop and cut out drinking for me, so it does show she cares but i have no right to tell her what to do and not to do, and if i did ask her she would probably start saying i was possesive. I know this is a long post but I do not know what to do. Anything you say would be appreciated. Sorry if it is wrambled and jumbled. My head is going 100mph.
2sure Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 She is like this for a reason I'm sure. This is beyond immaturity or drama. She is compelled to push your buttons, push you away...to prove to herself over and over and over again that you won't leave her no matter what. I couldn't guess why she needs that. Maybe you can. Thing is, this behavior will cause her to be rejected, reinforcing her issue. This isn't going to be fixed until she hits rock bottom and has real consequences to her behavior. Until she does, she will not realize that she doesn't need to control others , she needs to control herself. 1
Author xApathy Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 She is like this for a reason I'm sure. This is beyond immaturity or drama. She is compelled to push your buttons, push you away...to prove to herself over and over and over again that you won't leave her no matter what. I couldn't guess why she needs that. Maybe you can. Thing is, this behavior will cause her to be rejected, reinforcing her issue. This isn't going to be fixed until she hits rock bottom and has real consequences to her behavior. Until she does, she will not realize that she doesn't need to control others , she needs to control herself. I guess so. Judging by your post count i am sure you are experienced with relationship dynamics? She did say to me once how she knew i would never leave her, kind of felt like i should have went on a break to prove a point but that is not a good thing to do out of spite. Do you think there is something i can do to make her realise?
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 YOU should be going at 100mph. In the opposite direction. You cannot stay in a relationship where someone lays their hands on you. This is completely and unequivocally unacceptable. When the violence begins, it's time for you to end this. It's toxic, fractured and dysfunctional. She may well need therapy, counselling and psychological, even psychiatric support. But there is nothing written, anywhere, which states - demands - that you have to remain, put up with it, stay because you think she needs you, or that you should be her therapist. All you are doing by staying is enabling her bad behaviour. It's completely unacceptable, and should not be tolerated. You have to leave. you have to stay away, and you have to mean it, 100%. You are under no obligation to remain, and therefore, you shouldn't. Tell her she needs serious professional help - but that you are in no way obligated to either make her do it, help her do it, or stick around while she does it. Healing has to be by her, for her, at her own impetus. You - need to take care of you. And you - need to get out and leave. at 100mph. Now. 1
Author xApathy Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 YOU should be going at 100mph. In the opposite direction. You cannot stay in a relationship where someone lays their hands on you. This is completely and unequivocally unacceptable. When the violence begins, it's time for you to end this. It's toxic, fractured and dysfunctional. She may well need therapy, counselling and psychological, even psychiatric support. But there is nothing written, anywhere, which states - demands - that you have to remain, put up with it, stay because you think she needs you, or that you should be her therapist. All you are doing by staying is enabling her bad behaviour. It's completely unacceptable, and should not be tolerated. You have to leave. you have to stay away, and you have to mean it, 100%. You are under no obligation to remain, and therefore, you shouldn't. Tell her she needs serious professional help - but that you are in no way obligated to either make her do it, help her do it, or stick around while she does it. Healing has to be by her, for her, at her own impetus. You - need to take care of you. And you - need to get out and leave. at 100mph. Now. It is sad. I know everything you are saying is the right thing to do, i have told her i think she needs some mental help. I really do genuinely love her though, i guess there is no fixing it? She said she was making a change and stuff but she has said that so many times before. I guess the pattern will never stop. I just wish there was a way other than this.
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It is sad. I know everything you are saying is the right thing to do, i have told her i think she needs some mental help. And her response? If she ever agrees - why hasn't she done something about it yet? I really do genuinely love her though, i guess there is no fixing it? Of course there is fixing it! But you can't 'FIX' her. SHE - has to fix her. And something adequately dramatic has to happen to make her see sense, and amke her really, really WANT to fix it. She said she was making a change and stuff but she has said that so many times before. I guess the pattern will never stop. It's a pattern that will never stop, because you play into it. You permit it. You allow it. You tolerate it. While she sees that you do nothing to change you - she will never change 'her'. She's complacent, and takes it for granted that you will always stary and put up with it. In order to effect a change - you have to do things that might make that change happen. But that's up to her..... I just wish there was a way other than this. Well, you know what they say: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result." If what you've done so far hasn't worked - then there has to be 'another way'. And unsavoury and unwelcome as it may be, that's the way you have to go. 1
Author xApathy Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) And her response? If she ever agrees - why hasn't she done something about it yet? Of course there is fixing it! But you can't 'FIX' her. SHE - has to fix her. And something adequately dramatic has to happen to make her see sense, and amke her really, really WANT to fix it. It's a pattern that will never stop, because you play into it. You permit it. You allow it. You tolerate it. While she sees that you do nothing to change you - she will never change 'her'. She's complacent, and takes it for granted that you will always stary and put up with it. In order to effect a change - you have to do things that might make that change happen. But that's up to her..... Well, you know what they say: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result." If what you've done so far hasn't worked - then there has to be 'another way'. And unsavoury and unwelcome as it may be, that's the way you have to go. Love the far cry 3 quote. I see what you are saying and i really do appreciate it. It has made me see a lot of sense and realise that i should have not let it go on the way it has. Do you think, if it happens again, to give her all her stuff back and tell her i want a break? She can do what she wants during it i just can not be with her anymore ( which is true to an extent ) About me saying she needs mental help, she took it as an insult and got mad but when she calmed down she said she does not think it is that bad, maybe because she is not at the focul point of her actions Maybe it will make her see sense and she does not have me under the thumb. I am a very kind natured person and i could not handle things being wrong with us so i would give in and urge things to get fixed where she should have been on her hands and knees. God i have been weak. Edited March 21, 2013 by xApathy
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I see what you are saying and i really do appreciate it. It has made me see a lot of sense and realise that i should have not let it go on the way it has. Yeah, well, sometimes we all need a DiNozzo slap up de head.... Consider yourself 'DiNozzo'ed.... Do you think, if it happens again, to give her all her stuff back and tell her i want a break? She can do what she wants during it i just can not be with her anymore ( which is true to an extent ) I hate to point this out to you - but you're now sitting and waiting for the opportunity to do this, when she next misbehaves - which in a way, is unfair. You need to grab the initiative and simply tell her - far better during one of her calm moments - that you think you guys should call it a day and separate. You're not happy, you haven't been happy for some time, and you want to end it. Don't: ...Call it a 'break'. There's no such thing. ...Do it in private. Go out for a coffee, and 'use the presence of other people as a safety buffer. ...Leave an opening for her. This is final. She needs therapy and to get herself sorted, but you need a life, and you need to get out. Maybe it will make her see sense and she does not have me under the thumb. I am a very kind natured person and i could not handle things being wrong with us so i would give in and urge things to get fixed where she should have been on her hands and knees. God i have been weak. You can only hope she sees sense. But actually, that's not your concern. Your concern is for you, your well-being and the retrieval of your self-esteem, dignity and self-worth. You're not getting out in order to 'push' her into doing something. You're getting out - because this is what you need to do. There has been weakness on your part, yes. But I think you are seeing sense now. Or you wouldn't have posted. Now is the time to channel that strength, and do what you must do.
Author xApathy Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I do agree with you, it would be unfair with me to wait for her to mess up again and i jump straight at her throat. She deserves it to be when we are both level headed, will make her realise i am serious too and none of this is out of anger. Thank you so much Tara, you have honestly helped so much. Seemed like i had a bad case of stockholm syndrome. I know it is going to be tough and both of us will be miserable, but i would also be miserable if i stayed. Maybe one day she will realise and perhaps try make ammends and geuinely be sorry but i can not wait around for that. My mental well being has honestly suffered greatly, the relationship has nothing to offer anymore so it is best to end it. Thanks again Tara, you honestly might have just saved my life. 1
Got it Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I think there are a number of red flags with her. The kindest thing you can do is actually address them and put down your boundaries so that may motivate her to get help. She will lead a very unhappy life in this manner. BUT your job is not to fix her, your job is to look out for your best interest and a person who is willing to hit you and who will not or can not accept any accountability is not in that genre. I also caution you, that these behaviors normally get worse over the course of a relationship, not better. I would recommend IC for you as well to help you through this.
2sure Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I guess so. Judging by your post count i am sure you are experienced with relationship dynamics? She did say to me once how she knew i would never leave her, kind of felt like i should have went on a break to prove a point but that is not a good thing to do out of spite. Do you think there is something i can do to make her realise? I think you are young enough to not be able to fix her and also young enough to get used to getting treated this way . So , you should bail. I am experienced with this yes...she is called a Train Wreck. But my post count is more a reflection of my issues than my wisdom!
iKING Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I've where you're at, and the only thing that changed the situation was breaking up. She has a reason for what she does and it probably isn't going to change anytime soon. My suggestion is getting out of it. There are plenty of good non abusive women out there.
cherrypum Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 i did not have to read much to say that she have to man issues and both of you have to many fights about little stuff that i think its a sign that you are not a match for each other. stop forcing it.
Recommended Posts