Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Wanting each other says nothing about compatibility. Some of the most explosive, ill-matched couples are together because the highs are high, even if the lows are low. this is the weirdest thing. I had my blows because I felt he didn't want me - blew me for St.V, flaked out on me and my friends, etc. We never had a fight on any other reason. We seem highly compatible on most other things, except for on how we view our relationship. both interested in art, both like music, both like films, both adore dancing and going out. Similar taste in food. After only 2 months, cannot say if we have the same fundamental values. He is a highly sensitive guy (almost feminine intuition, I'd say), but he has zero understanding or tolerance for me and my needs - emotionally. He is coming around, with time, but yes, he is quite self centered. Anyway... it'll sting like a b*tch to let him leave, but I cannot and will not ignore my needs. My deepest desires. I'll be setting myself free, because I know the answer. Deep down, despite his emotional involvement, I know. such a pity, because, at some point, I've heard this strong click with him. Not meant to be. oh well...
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Throwing him out in the middle of the night, breaking up via email. At the two month mark? Not the mark of mature 30 something year olds. I know some people thrive on drama, but...... Do you really want to live like that? Therefore the question of marriage and kids with him should be a nobrainer. people do crazy things when inlove. You forgot that I took all this stuff he had at my place and threw them out as well . I've never been irrational like that. the issue is not - do I want kids with him. Jesus, not there yet, I have no idea if he is the one I want as a father for my babies. The question is - does he want kids in general. We'll get to the "are we good / sound together" a lot later. When we actually have a real relationship. Not the case yet.
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I'm not surprised, but that again is his choice. Most 38 year old men have moved far, far beyond that. For some reason, he hasn't. Be careful about wanting to "fix" him. You've been with him less than 3 months, and already have dx him with mother issues, and want to help him resolve his commitment issues. Do you truly want him, or some improved version of him? I got tired of "fixing" him already, xxoo. I am taking my hands out and stopped trying. funnily enough, the moment I did that, he naturally came towards me. He is warm and sensitive, but can be cold and unapproachable. At this point, I don't want to change anything from him. If he likes to talk to his mom daily, he should continue to do that. As long as she's not interfering with his decisions, he can go ahead and knock himself out, talk to his mom, dad, sister, brother, I don't give a damn. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is not the case - I don't know a single woman on Earth who'd just "discuss" matters and not give her opinion . What bothered me, when we had our raws, was his barriers. That he was withholding himself. But even that, honestly, I got so many things on my plate right now, I am not that really bothered. As long as he's not cheating and we're seeing each other, it's fine, because we are having a blast - and don't need to plan anything amazing. MY focus these days is my career, it's in dire need of fixing, these days. So rather than looking at my relationship, at how it is evolving and why, I am stepping back and looking at the bigger picture: do we want the same things in life? Does he ever want kids and marriage? It's a theoretical approach, but it's important to me. We'll get to the "implementation" section, on a later stage. Now, I just want to make sure I'm not wasting more time in front of a closed door.
MidwestUSA Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It sounds like your mind is made up to move on to the "implementation" stage. For all the analyzing you've done, you can't see the simple truth. Remember the bottom line, people don't change. You want a modified version of him, good luck trying.
ja123 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) MJ, I think that's too much to say she has bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I don't think so at all. She might have some ambivalent feelings that she might not be aware of that caused her to over-react. But I don't think she has BPD or something. OP, it is possible, though, that you're trying to steer your bf into accepting what you want when he doesn't. Neither of you should have to compromise on what is fundamentally important to you. At the end of the day it doesn't matter where his fear of having children and marrying come from, nor your desire to have that come from (which is arguably also fear based.) Both points of view are valid. We could spend time psychoanalyzing all of that, but it doesn't change the reality that it seems you two are incompatible. RedRobin started a thread about Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It sounds like he is a renter and could be quite happy in a long-term dating scenario, whereas you want to buy. Edited March 21, 2013 by ja123
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 my self diagnose tells me what I had was some left overs of an atypical depression - hence the overreaction to what I felt as rejection. I hate it when reality looks so simple on this forum and so complex and fuzzy in real life. pffff, this sucks. 1
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 well, figures I might as well hear those words with my own ears, instead of just letting it be. my best friend (a girl) says he won't give me a straight up answer to my question. guess I'll never know until that moment comes.
FitChick Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I never wanted to have kids. I met a guy who did. He tried convincing me I was wrong, kept telling me I'd change my mind, how I'd be such a great mother. He never spent any time around children and didn't seem to be interested. "It's different when you have your own" he said. Sure is. You have to pay for them, take care of them, can't change your mind, they limit your freedom, they are noisy, messy, ruin your things, etc. I got tired of the same discussion and pressure so dumped him. Guess what? I've never regretted my childfree decision. He later had one kid with his wife and that was it. I guess he realized I was right! How much time do you actually spend with children? Do you volunteer to help with children's charities, activities, babysit friends' kids, take in foster children? You believe in the Myth of Motherhood (read that book if you can still find it, it's out of print). If you don't want to be alone, get a puppy and raise it until it's an adult dog. If you can't even manage to do that, you have your answer. Why don't you visit people in old age homes and ask them why their children don't take care of them? The more time you waste with this guy, the less time you will have to find someone who thinks like you do. You hope the boyfriend will change and he is hoping you will. It's a stalemate.
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 FitChick, I have been around kids. I am very patient, I am altruistic and have a lot of empathy. I completely understand that there are costs attached to this decision and when looking at some of the people around me, I realize not all parents get great children - or children worthy of the effort of raising. I am altruistic. Why I want children and is that a good decision is not the point of this topic , but I do value your insight.
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 well, people, I've went ahead and had the talk. i was uptight, but I had a better attitude than expected. He was tired and irritable. I should have chosen a better moment, but whatever, I asked my questions. Turn out he wants to get married. And he wants children too. If and when he is very much inlove with a woman. And he doesn't know when. It has to be natural, he is not planning that. From this moment on, I am done trying. I made way too much effort, I need to feel reassured. I feel like crying but don't understand why...
FitChick Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Turn out he wants to get married. And he wants children too. If and when he is very much in love with a woman. And he doesn't know when. It has to be natural, he is not planning that. . In other words, not you. Next!
Author candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 In other words, not you. Next! that is mean . He is involved and we've only dated for a bit over 2 months.
xxoo Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 He should know by 4-6 months if he loves you (starts talking future, marriage, babies comfortably), and by 12 months of dating if he wants to marry you. He should be enthusiastic about the conversations--no arm twisting. If you continue to feel uncertain about his desires after 2 more months of dating, cut him loose.
Author candie13 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 xxoo, I am a buyer. A buyer fighting depression and some severe mood swings. Very accommodating. So I should not be that suprised by the outcome of this relationship so far. I am also very scared, vera afraid to trust and panicking because I start to develop feelings. I realize that I have ups and down all the time. They are getting better over time, but I do have them. That is how I am. From his side, he is always talking a lot about himself, his jobs, whatever and not asking me a damn thing about me - i just had a call about a nice job, finally, after a few months of NOTHING. No questions, no nothing. I tried to ask him to talk about it, but I guess he was feeling put in a corner, with all my questions about how he wants and how he sees the future. If he told me the truth. I think I was given the standard version of him, not the real him. Because there is no easy way of asking these questions. Anyway, my plan, from now onward is to stop trying so hard and mind my own business a lot more. Less available unless he plans real dates. Won't like it? Fine, we move on. He needs to move his butt a bit, no matter how scared he is about his past. I need to stop doing so much - from thinking (because I do have a lot of spare time) to actually preparing nice dinners and stuff. Whatever, che sara, sara. Not sure if that's gonna work, because there's a certain routine, way of behaving after a while in the relationship.... not with me .
runningfar Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I never wanted to have kids. I met a guy who did. He tried convincing me I was wrong, kept telling me I'd change my mind, how I'd be such a great mother. He never spent any time around children and didn't seem to be interested. "It's different when you have your own" he said. Sure is. You have to pay for them, take care of them, can't change your mind, they limit your freedom, they are noisy, messy, ruin your things, etc. I got tired of the same discussion and pressure so dumped him. Guess what? I've never regretted my childfree decision. He later had one kid with his wife and that was it. I guess he realized I was right Having one kid does not mean you don't find parenthood fulfilling. You might not have been able to have multiples. Maybe timing. Anything. Many if my friends are parents and they love it immensely. One up to six kids. Nothing wrong with not having kids but the idea that one means you made a mistake is frankly offensive
Author candie13 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 hey guys quick update: after that talk - during which he confirmed he wanted kids and marriage - h completely disappeared. Mind you, I did ask if he wanted to see other people - which he denied in block. No text, no call, nothing since Thursday. So, FitChick, you were right, I was totally OUT. It is pretty incredible to me that people so different from me existed - and that I actually dated one and not realize the depth of our differences. Well, I very much appreciate his not sticking around, his being honest and backing out now. I would have preferred to hear those words, but I am big enough to get closure by myself - his silence does speak louder than a thousand voices. so this is what it feels like when one confronts their fears ... Thanks, guys, your advice and input helped a lot to clear my head, my heart and consequently my life. cheers 1
xxoo Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Sorry you didn't get the outcome you hoped for. But supremely better to know now, than to find out later. Hugs!
Author candie13 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 thank you, xxoo, your advice and help meant a lot to me. I share your opinion, as well. It is extremely important to me to be on the same page with the person I am seeing. Last summer, I've learnt the importance of being patient. This winter, I've learnt to stop trying to hard . I mean, looking at my posts, most probably, this outcome is a no-brainer. I'm not even shocked about the sudden end, but overall, at peace with it (even though I am a bit hurt on the inside).
Author candie13 Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 he contacted me on Monday. He had business arrangements in London and took the weekend to think about things. Anyway, I did not say much on Monday. Contacted me on Tuesday again - I was very cold. He called in the evening and we had some very long talks, but I was feeing they were going nowhere. He admitted it was wrong of him to disappear all weekend and not give any news. Yesterday, he kept messaging me, and I was still quite upset. So I did the grown up thing and asked him to have a cup of coffee together. He was scared of another confrontation, obviously. Anyway, he wasn't available for the first part of the evening (so he said), so invited me to have dinner instead. I totally understood how to talk to him. I am quite rational and sort of shield by not showing my feelings - and this really really is NOT working with my bf. That is why we had those fights, because I was approaching the relationship in an objective (cold and rational) way and he was finding it off-putting. So during dinner, I was obviously sad, we talked about everything and nothing, he asked me a lot of things about me, but in a natural way, I didn't feel like he was pushing himself to. After dinner, we walked and had a good conversation - not heavy, for once, also it was tough - over a cup of tea. Him feeling that I was not pressing for that conversation - usually he dreads to be confronted and takes any chance he gets to not have "the talk" - I think reassured him. It was a bit of a break-through moment, because also he didn't tell me anything that I did not know, the fact that he opened up and allowed me "in" is a big thing, for me. Bottom line - I was right, with my initial request in my original post: it's not just asking those tough questions, but it's also how you ask them, where / in which context you're asking, what state of mind / state of heart... they do make a huge difference, especially at the beginning, when the relationship is rather frail and both parties are afraid of getting involved for fear of getting hurt. he says I'm the best at giving him major headaches - literally! I think I have a degree in that field !
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