Why does he say he still loves me???

[Rebecca1134]

Hi. I'm new to this forum, but I've literally been in complete hell for about a year. I've been with the love of my life for 6 years and throughout its been an emotional roller coaster. Constantly breaking up and making up, very verbally abusive etc Beyond the bad, we were each others first love (just to note, I'm 31 and he's 23). Fast forward to now. He has a new girlfriend (actually he's back with the girl he was briefly with when we broke up. He cheated on her with me and dumped her). Anyways, I'm devastated. I haven't gotten out of bed for 2 days, and am even contemplating suicide. I love am miss him so much I feel like I'm dying. I've been popping Xanax all day and have just been crying non stop. He was my best friend in the world and soul mate. I'd die for him and love him with every fiber of my being.

 

Here's the kicker and what's driving me insane. I talked to him last night and he told me that he doesn't care about this girl the way I probably think, that he's really only with her because she's nice and he feels secure with her (he was always deathly insecure with me. I always assumed it was because I was older and more experienced), that he still is in love with me and misses me and thinks of me all the time, AND he was crying during this conversation. He keeps reiterating that he needs to move on because we've tried working things out hundreds of times to no avail. He said he still wants me in his life because I'm the most important person he's ever had. I don't know how to take any of this. I'm so utterly devastated. Everyone tells me to just move on, but I've been trying for like 2 years and it is seemingly impossible. I've dated other guys and only made me miss him more. About a month ago he told me he has accepted that he won't meet anyone he loves as much as me. I need help desperately. This thread is even written poorly because there's so much going through my head I just want the pain to stop!!!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Do you want the bad news, or the worse news?

 

The bad news is, that with all the contact, you've actually not given yourself any time to get over him at all, so effectively, you've never broken up....

The worse news is, that if you implement No Contact (and of course, I truly, SERIOUSLY SUGGEST YOU DO - then you broke up as of yesterday.

 

First of all, forget' soul mate' and that you'd die for him.

 

Phukk that, for a start.

'Soul Mates' don't exist.

'Soul Mates while we're together' may do - but you're NOT together any more, ergo, 'soul mate' doesn't cover it.

 

Secondly, never EVER be prepared to 'die' for anyone, because much as I hate to break it for you, if you were to ever have to put it to the test, I sadly doubt very much he would do the same for you.

 

IOf his love is undying, athen why aren't you still together, working through counselling, getting therapy and working through your anger issues together?

because one of you doesn't want to work that hard, wants to explore life, have fun, find new challenfes, gain new experiences and let their hair down.

It souldn like that may be him.

 

Granted, he may have a deep love for you - but it's obviously not sufficiently deep for him to state "Hang it, we CAN work this out together!!!"

 

Wanting to stay in touch as friends, after a break-up is absolutely, completely, totally and entirely IMpossible.

Can't be done.

No way.

Seeking to stay in touch does two things.

it ddenotes selfishness, and denotes guilt. Both of which are satisfied and appeased by your remaining in touch with them.

It also constantly drip-feeds you hope. Hope which more often than not, turns into despair.

So - Friendship?

 

Forget it.

Your poor heart won't stand it.....

 

It's all very well telling you 'you need to move on' but until you are shown the effective, definite and positively ONLY way to do it - you never will.

Well, honey - you cum to de right place.

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

It's the first post - but the remainder of the thread makes for sobering reading too. I strongly suggest you print off the Guide, and keep the thread handy for frequent perusal...

 

The Guide - Works.

Absolutely, 100% it works.

But only if you stick to it.

 

We're here for you - but YOU have to make this work.

Starting now.

[Am4Real]

 

The Guide - Works.

Absolutely, 100% it works.

But only if you stick to it.

 

We're here for you - but YOU have to make this work.

Starting now.

 

 

All true!

 

Best,

Am4Real

[Rebecca1134]

I'm devastated and I don't know how I can cope with this for much longer. Just yesterday he was telling me how much better I am than her in every way, that he still drives by my house sometimes, how they don't have much in common, and how he doesn't care if (and I quote) if he saw her getting f**ked by another guy but if I talked to another guy he felt like ****. He was saying that everyone will always be second best. He's not looking for love or trying to replace me.

 

So now I'm super happy thinking he's gonna dump her and come back to me, but I talked to him today and it was like I was talking to a different person. He scolded me for trying to "sabotage" his relationship. Told me he's not leaving her. Told me he'd rather die than get back together with me. Told me he's happy with her and cares about her a lot. He was just being cold and told me straight up to move on because he has. WHAT GIVES!?!? It's literally driving me crazy. I feel my stomach burning and heart racing. I'm just completely torn up and can't even get out of bed. I need help!!! Please anyone I'm dying here.

[Sheilalou008]

I'm devastated and I don't know how I can cope with this for much longer. Just yesterday he was telling me how much better I am than her in every way, that he still drives by my house sometimes, how they don't have much in common, and how he doesn't care if (and I quote) if he saw her getting f**ked by another guy but if I talked to another guy he felt like ****. He was saying that everyone will always be second best. He's not looking for love or trying to replace me.

 

So now I'm super happy thinking he's gonna dump her and come back to me, but I talked to him today and it was like I was talking to a different person. He scolded me for trying to "sabotage" his relationship. Told me he's not leaving her. Told me he'd rather die than get back together with me. Told me he's happy with her and cares about her a lot. He was just being cold and told me straight up to move on because he has. WHAT GIVES!?!? It's literally driving me crazy. I feel my stomach burning and heart racing. I'm just completely torn up and can't even get out of bed. I need help!!! Please anyone I'm dying here.

 

 

To me it sounds as though he wants the best of both worlds. To date someone else and have you there as emotional support if things don't work out as planned.

 

Let her have him. He sounds like a jerk. I know you love him and feel like dying(I know I did) but it does get better. Leave him alone, let him deal with his life without you. Being the "go to" girl will not make you feel better or ease your suffering. Go no contact and disappear from his life. I bet before you know it you will see this was for the best. You said yourself that it was a abusive relationship with lots of ups and down and break ups.

 

I know you are hurting and keep as though you cannot breathe without him, but you can and you will. It will get easier and you will feel better. Love should not have to hurt like this.

[Thunderchild]

Tara's right - this guy sounds like an absolute f*ckwit - get rid. Go strict No Contact. Don't give him any power or hold over you. So far, he's getting his cake and eating it. So, get rid. Get him out of your life - all the way out!

[Rebecca1134]

I feel absolutely pathetic. I was going no contact for a couple months then I found out about this new girlfriend I contacted him. It is such a slap in the face that he went back to her. He was dating her briefly and cheated on her with me and dumped her. I constantly asked him if he regretted dumping her and he insisted that he didn't give a **** about her. So basically, we stop talking and he goes right back to her. I can't get over how messed up this is!! It makes me want to puke.

 

I've also made myself look completely pitiful by practically begging him to come back to me and telling him how devastated I am and how much I love him. He was the love of my life and I can't even begin to comprehend how he just moved on. By the way, he still admits to loving me as saying how no relationship can ever replace ours. Yesterday he tells me he loves talking to me and yes, more than her and today he is just blowing me off. I've been having a panic attack all day. I really want this to go away and to move on. I've been dealing with this on and off for 3 years and it has cost me jobs and my sanity mainly. I also have severe OCD so that's not helping. It's pathetic but I just want him back. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

[Rebecca1134]

I can't stop thinking what does she have that I don't. He told me that they don't have a past and she makes him feel secure. What the **** does that mean?! I can't stop thinking about this. Thinking about what she did in life to deserve being treated right by him?

[Sheilalou008]

I feel absolutely pathetic. I was going no contact for a couple months then I found out about this new girlfriend I contacted him. It is such a slap in the face that he went back to her. He was dating her briefly and cheated on her with me and dumped her. I constantly asked him if he regretted dumping her and he insisted that he didn't give a **** about her. So basically, we stop talking and he goes right back to her. I can't get over how messed up this is!! It makes me want to puke.

 

I've also made myself look completely pitiful by practically begging him to come back to me and telling him how devastated I am and how much I love him. He was the love of my life and I can't even begin to comprehend how he just moved on. By the way, he still admits to loving me as saying how no relationship can ever replace ours. Yesterday he tells me he loves talking to me and yes, more than her and today he is just blowing me off. I've been having a panic attack all day. I really want this to go away and to move on. I've been dealing with this on and off for 3 years and it has cost me jobs and my sanity mainly. I also have severe OCD so that's not helping. It's pathetic but I just want him back. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

 

You are not pathetic. You are hurt and understandably so. I know it hurts and there are tons of questions and very few answers. If you continue to talk to him it will make this feeling you have never go away and you will have the few highs and many more lows from it. Just cut him off. You said he was 23, so the young factor plays into it. He doesnt want to be without some back up and you cannot be that person.

 

She doesn't have anything you don't. It is 2 different relationships. He feels secure with her cus there is less drama and less history. With you comes a lot of drama and ups and downs. It isn't your fault though, some times it is just the way it is. Doesn't mean she is better, just makes her a rebound.

 

Don't let this consume you and swallow you whole. You are a 31 year old woman and lots of love ahead of you.

 

Just let him be and do not be his comfort zone. It will just hurt you in the end while he feels less guilt. As long as you talk to him he can do whatever the heck he wants while you just wait in the wings hoping for some morsel of hope.

[2sunny]

Are you having sex with him? It could be he keeps in touch and sweet talks you to insure he's got sex when he can't get it from her.

 

Don't be that back up gal!

 

You deserve better!

 

Never settle!

 

The Xanax will make you feel worse in the long run - stop taking them - they alter your judgment!

[Rebecca1134]

Are you having sex with him? It could be he keeps in touch and sweet talks you to insure he's got sex when he can't get it from her.

 

Don't be that back up gal!

 

You deserve better!

 

Never settle!

 

The Xanax will make you feel worse in the long run - stop taking them - they alter your judgment!

 

No, we aren't. Thats how it used to be though. We'd just meet up for sex, hang out for a few weeks, then he'd break it off again. Apparently he's getting all the sex he needs from her, which makes me want to die thinking about. He seriously makes me crazy. I feel sooooooo horrible its not even funny. Thinking suicide, hospitalization, going and beating the **** out of her......stuff thats really bad. I feel like if i ever see them together Im going to lose it.

[Rebecca1134]

I cant grasp that hes really moved on! I know he still has feelings for me..I mean he told me just yesterday!!! he said he still drives by my house to see me...looks for my car....i always ask him if he still loves me and he goes "you know the answer". What is this girl to him????? He told me I'm better in every way. I am just ruminating and obsessing and regretting everything. I feel like if he would give me another chance we could work. He tells me that we could never work that we fight too much and there are too many scars from the past. Call me crazy, but I feel that if you are still in love with someone, you can always try again!!! I feel so worthless and like a piece of **** because of her. How do you guys cope with an ex who has a new girl? its driving me out of my mind!

[blotter]

The best way to cope with an ex with a new love is to go NO CONTACT. DO NOT talk to them, answer their phone calls, open or reply to their emails, open, read, or reply to their texts, don't stalk their facebook, twitter and instagram accounts. Disappear from his life, don't inquire about what he is doing through mutual friends. You have all the power to get better, it's right in your hands, the torture, the knotted gut, the racing heart, you have the power to end it all. It's up to YOU NOT HIM. At this point YOU are putting YOURSELF through this.

[Rebecca1134]

The best way to cope with an ex with a new love is to go NO CONTACT. DO NOT talk to them, answer their phone calls, open or reply to their emails, open, read, or reply to their texts, don't stalk their facebook, twitter and instagram accounts. Disappear from his life, don't inquire about what he is doing through mutual friends. You have all the power to get better, it's right in your hands, the torture, the knotted gut, the racing heart, you have the power to end it all. It's up to YOU NOT HIM. At this point YOU are putting YOURSELF through this.

 

Its sick to admit this, but I would LOVE if he were to initiate any contact. He wont. If i didnt text him he'd never talk to me again. Our past has said otherwise.. he left 2 other girls for me after months of NC. I know he still has feelings for me. i just want him to want me again. I know the healthy thing to do is to never go back, but I miss him so much. I just dont understand why she's better for him!! I mean, he says they are healthy together and they dont fight and shes good to him......THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER A MONTH!!! of course its good!!!!!!! Im so ****ing pissed off its hard to even think straight!!!!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Rebecca you might seriously need to consider counselling...

You have been venting and angrily posting about how you feel, but I don't know if you've managed to pay attention to any of the good advice you've received.

You're only replying to points which clarify how you're feeling.

 

You have to take control of this and do the constructive thing to save yourself from becoming a one-person pity-party.

 

You will benefit from a course of therapy or better yet, counselling....

 

It's good to let it all out, but take it easy on yourself. Red rage in front of your eyes impedes your vision of the way out.

 

This 'No Contact' lark works.

But you have to be strong, implement it, and honestly truly resist each and every single little tempting thing to respond, react, reply or at worst, initiate.

 

Read.

The.

Guide.

 

have you done so, yet?

[Rebecca1134]

Rebecca you might seriously need to consider counselling...

You have been venting and angrily posting about how you feel, but I don't know if you've managed to pay attention to any of the good advice you've received.

You're only replying to points which clarify how you're feeling.

 

You have to take control of this and do the constructive thing to save yourself from becoming a one-person pity-party.

 

You will benefit from a course of therapy or better yet, counselling....

 

It's good to let it all out, but take it easy on yourself. Red rage in front of your eyes impedes your vision of the way out.

 

This 'No Contact' lark works.

But you have to be strong, implement it, and honestly truly resist each and every single little tempting thing to respond, react, reply or at worst, initiate.

 

Read.

The.

Guide.

 

have you done so, yet?

 

 

 

It is all great advice...I just cant stop thinking and I can stop the pain. It feels like theres 100 tvs on around me and each is blasting a different memory, or visions of him and the new girl together....it feels almost like im in hell. What is the difference between therapy and counseling???

[TaraMaiden]

It's subtle...

 

I think many people believe they're interchangeable, but Therapy tends to give you leaders, mental activities to implement, antidotes, alternatives....

 

Counselling Listens and offers suggestions on why you may feel the way you do, and may offer different ways to view things, and insights into yourself, and how you may be unwittingly allowing things to influence you....

 

You're too close to events to stop the thinking, but I bet you anything you like, you're 'snowballing'...

 

I feel like I should put everything I have said, into a book.

Not because it's so great, but because I risk boring people who have read all this before, but here's something I explained to someone else, on snowballing.

 

Take the time to read it.

 

I read something on the internet, that struck a chord....

 

Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so.

After that, it's self-inflicted.

A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact:

 

That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them...

 

They were missing the point.

 

If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time.

 

Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain.

 

So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.'

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

 

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

 

It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind.

But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'.

 

Pain is valid.

Emotions are valid.

They deserve to be honoured.

But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty.

 

 

Hang on to this - I hope it helps.

[Rebecca1134]

Tara, that is really profound advice. I am the master of snowballing. I have depression, OCD and panic disorder so I truly believe that my mental issues cause this to be 100 times worse. I often end up having a full blown panic attack where I have to take an anti anxiety pill. I want to be able to stop the snow ball from forming but holy crap, when it starts it becomes the size of the planet earth. I feel like my head is spinning out of control and there's no end in sight. I really need to seek help. I'm on medication for my problems, maybe the wrong kind. I've been seeing a therapist but she doesn't really help me at all so I'm in the process of finding someone new. They are just so damn expensive. Anyways, you guys are great. Thank you so much for listening and offering really solid advice. I am not a religious person but sometimes I just want to pray that the pain stops. Every morning I wake up and the reality sinks in and I just wish I had never woken up.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not saying this to proselytise, but maybe you could find a meditation centre near you, which encourages you to simply sit, breathe, close your eyes and just...'be'.

 

I strongly recommend it.

 

The thing is, it's not the amount of time you sit for.

It's the quality of the 'sitting'.... so go to somewhere which teaches you the best way to simply 'sit'.

 

There are as many different ways of meditating as there are Minds, so explore the possibility of finding a way which fits you best....

It may help you, specifically, to have a visual image, word or sound to hold your focus...

 

Every time you feel your attention wandering, you bring it back to this "object" and re-focus your attention onto it. It could be the single chime of a bell, or it could be a candle flame, or it could be a word you find evocative and beautiful..... Watch your breathing - don't change it, alter it or significantly or subtly shift it... just 'see' yourself breathing...... and focus.

 

Drop your shoulders, close your eyes. Be comfortable. Forget all this 'full-lotus' crap.

 

Sit the way that it's most conducive for you to sit: Supported but alert.

 

Sometimes, all OCD or panic needs, is a little bit of space, peace and quiet.

[Damsel in Distress]

You are an emotional wreck BECAUSE YOU TALKED TO HIM. This is why so many people recommend No Contact. If you cut ties, it allows you to start healing and moving on. Any little contact, whether it's receiving a text, seeing a facebook post, or god forbid having a whole conversation with them, sets your heart racing, your emotions spinning, and stirs the emotional pot into a frenzy.

 

Who knows why he is saying these things to you, but it's only making you feel INSANELY WORSE, and it's NOT because he wants back together with you, because if he TRULY wanted to be back with you, he would be begging you to try again. Maybe he thinks saying these things will make you feel better and relieve some of his guilt, I really don't know.

 

I was trying to do a half-hearted NC and my thoughts and feelings were still a roller coaster, but it was more like a roller coaster in Kiddieland and there were some hours in between where I actually felt strong Then yesterday on Facebook it said "Games your friends are playing" and it showed his name, and my heart started racing and my feelings went crazy. My thoughts got so intense that I ended up trying to call him (of course he didn't answer) and then I was shaking and feeling insane. I tell you this as an example that contact with the person who is hurting you ONLY MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE! And that's why I think your feelings right now are SO SO intense.

 

Please try going NC on him and try try try to focus on healing yourself.

 

And can I please recommend that you find a suicide hotline number and put it on your phone in case you start feeling that you can't take it.

 

Hugs, I'm so sorry he is messing with your emotions like this!!!

[Coping Vortex]

I talked to him last night and he told me that he doesn't care about this girl the way I probably think, ........... he still is in love with me and misses me and thinks of me all the time,

 

My ex would break NC with me all through the BU and tell me that EXACT same thing for the last four months.

 

I wanted to believe it too but it is just something that dumpers say to keep you on the hook. Some say it because of guilt and it some how eases the dumper's guilt. But I don't believe in dumper's having any guilt at all.

 

Its just that he can't shut off all of the feelings for you all at once.

[Rebecca1134]

Last night I bombarded him with I still love you texts to which he never responded. Funny thing is that we were talking and laughing all day prior to that. I really want to send him a goodbye text today or something. I want to tell him that he's right, that we are incompatible and that when my head is clear I actually see what a pitiful little lost boy he is and how much better I am than him and his new ego booster toy girlfriend. I really want to write something that will make him think or at least acknowledge his ****ty ways. The truth is that he has never been single since he was 12 and finds girls who become completely obsessed with him and then constantly is hot and cold. Another thing is that he is the youngest child and his mom literally waits on him hand and foot like he's a prince. I'm sure he expects that from women he dates. He's deathly insecure as well. I bet this new girl just worships him because she's young and naive whereas I challenged him and called him on his BS. I bet he is her world whereas i have a ton of friends and am always travelling, going out, am very outgoing etc. I actually met him when he was 17 and showed him life. When he met me he had only ever eaten a grilled cheese sandwich!!!!! He sat in his room, played guitar and video games all day and was a social retard. I took him to Europe with me and all over this country. I taught him to drive. I took him out to concerts and introduced him to all of his favorite bands. I almost feel like I raised a boy into a "man", and all I get is to watch him be that man with someone else. I want to express this all to him. Why do I feel the need to have the last word? I don't want him walking away thinking "she's still in love with me, I'm the ****". What do you guys think?

Edited March 22, 2013 by Rebecca1134

[Am4Real]

It's over -- done -- finished. You have to accept it and stop pretending and worse off "who get in the last word".

 

As other posters recommended to you, find someone to talk it out with and do not discard a professional.

 

Everything you are experiencing is normal, just focus on dealing with it and worrying about you -- not him!

 

 

Last night I bombarded him with I still love you texts to which he never responded. Funny thing is that we were talking and laughing all day prior to that. I really want to send him a goodbye text today or something. I want to tell him that he's right, that we are incompatible and that when my head is clear I actually see what a pitiful little lost boy he is and how much better I am than him and his new ego booster toy girlfriend.

[TaraMaiden]

....I want to express this all to him. Why do I feel the need to have the last word? I don't want him walking away thinking "she's still in love with me, I'm the ****". What do you guys think?

 

It's called 'wanting closure'.

 

The "and another thing.....!" syndrome.

 

You want to put him in his place, tell it like it is, call him out on his behaviour - you want to 'one-up' him.

 

Sadly, this never works, for several reasons:

 

One: Emotionally, you're definitely not in the right emotional place to be able to carry it off right now.

 

Two: it would merely give you more questions you'd want answered, and more reasons, more explanations, more justifications and above all else - an apology.

 

Three (and this is the worst one): They don't care what you want.

They don't want to give you the time of day because they're over you.

You just become a source of clingy irritation to them, and everything gets lost. Respect, dignity, civility - out the window.

 

I always say:

Closure is like vomit: It comes from within, but you really need to get it out of your system.

 

The only way you can get closure is through gradual acceptance of what has happened.

 

It is what it is.

 

And it - is finished.....

 

(((Hugs))), Rebecca.....

[Am4Real]

Exactly...hope she read this!

 

It's called 'wanting closure'.

 

The "and another thing.....!" syndrome.

 

You want to put him in his place, tell it like it is, call him out on his behaviour - you want to 'one-up' him.

 

Sadly, this never works, for several reasons:

 

One: Emotionally, you're definitely not in the right emotional place to be able to carry it off right now.

 

Two: it would merely give you more questions you'd want answered, and more reasons, more explanations, more justifications and above all else - an apology.

 

Three (and this is the worst one): They don't care what you want.

They don't want to give you the time of day because they're over you.

You just become a source of clingy irritation to them, and everything gets lost. Respect, dignity, civility - out the window.

 

I always say:

Closure is like vomit: It comes from within, but you really need to get it out of your system.

 

The only way you can get closure is through gradual acceptance of what has happened.

 

It is what it is.

 

And it - is finished.....

 

(((Hugs))), Rebecca.....