Depressed: I need help!

[LDM19942]

I don't know who else to talk to about this but my boyfriend of 7 months has just initiated a break in our relationship. We've had the perfect relationship up until now, we never fought, we got along with the other's family, and we've even just returned a few weeks ago from vacationing together. I was always afraid to commit to my relationships before him - he helped me open up and be happy about my life and everyone who knew us would comment to me about how obviously happy we are together.

 

So, a few weeks ago we just left for college in different states. We had a long conversation before then about what was going to happen to us. He has been in a long distance relationship before that didn't work out, but he told me that he wasn't going to break up with me and didn't want to lose me and that we had to put effort into making this work out.

 

He's been in a college setting before so he told me that he was going to give me a few weeks to adjust to school then decide whether we were going to stay together long distance or take a break until we see each other on breaks.

 

Well, I had a hard time adjusting to school at first and expressed to him that I was a bit stressed out and frustrated. My initial frustration waned after a couple weeks and I had finally come to a place where I was secure with my feelings for him and wanted to put in the effort to make our relationship work. So, I called him and told him this. He, however, seemed to have a change of heart. He told me that a break would be best for me. He said that he was a "ball and chain" and that he wanted me to go out and have fun without worrying about him. He said that he thinks that he's unhealthy for me. He also went from telling me that he doesn't want to think about me with other men to telling me that he wanted me to go out on "dates" during our break.

 

I've been devastated over this. I told him that this wasn't what I wanted but he seems to have turned a cold shoulder to me. He doesn't want to talk about it and I could hear his frustration over the phone while we had this conversation. I thought we had the perfect relationship. We were closer to each other than family and I don't understand this complete change in what he feels.

 

I feel really worthless. I don't understand why his last long distance relationship was worth the effort but I'm not. After all we've been through with and for each other I don't understand how he could just turn his back like none of it ever mattered to him. I feel so lost and confused. I'm afraid that I'm loosing the best relationship I've ever had and I don't know what I can do to express to him how much this hurts me.

 

Please help me

[meanon]

he told me that he wasn't going to break up with me and didn't want to lose me and that we had to put effort into making this work out.

he told me that he was going to give me a few weeks to adjust to school then decide whether we were going to stay together long distance or take a break until we see each other on breaks.

It seems that he was confused about what he wanted before he went away and that he was determined to make this decision alone, regardless of your wishes.

 

Because of this, I think it unlikely that he thinks badly of you or has suddenly changed the way he feels about you. He's decided a long distance relationship is not for him, possibly because he doesn't like the fact that it makes him feel like the last one did and he anticipates that the same problems will arise again. I think he's pretending he is acting in your best interests to avoid having to explain himself. The cold shoulder is guilt and an attempt to get you to stop expressing your hurt to him and asking difficult questions. He seems like a stranger because he's stopped sharing his thoughts with you. That doesn't mean that he didn't love you or that the relationship wasn't important to him.

 

It's always devastating when relationships end and you still love the person, plus rejection hurts like hell. No wonder you feel bad. We've all been there and survived to live and love another day, so will you .

 

Try and avoid contacting him. Don't give in to the feelings of worthlessness and self doubt. Talk to friends and family or post again - it's important that you don't let this rekindle the fear of commitment you've had in the past. In time, try and focus on the positive things you have learned: how to love well. There's probably nothing you could have done to save this relationship. It was the best yet but there will be better ones if you take the good and discard the negative. Good luck.