Ex girlfriend loves but is not in love with me, I took her for granted

[bpa]

Hello,

 

So I was dating this girl for 17 months and she broke up with me last weekend saying that she loves and cares for me but is not in love with me. She said that she feels we are basically just good friends, that she wants me in her life and will be in my life, but not romantically. She said that things would basically be the same between us, she would help me if I needed anything, we'd still talk, etc.

 

A couple weeks before this she had told me that she loved me but wasn't sure if I loved her because I never did the little things like take her out, get her gifts and be romantic. She thought we should take a break so I could see if I still loved her. I assured her I do love her and promised to change but just happened to have exams the week after so I was buried in work. I was planning to take her out this past weekend but it was too late... The past week she was really pulling away, not really being physical with me. She has also picked up a new hobby swing dancing which I haven't shown much interest in doing, and in the process made a bunch of friends. On the other hand I haven't been getting to know many people because I put social life at the bottom of my priorities since I met her. So I feel pretty alone right now. Been talking to my parents a lot.

 

I guess she finally got sick of putting in all the work for the relationship. At first things were great but the last few months I focused too much on school, always thinking she'd be there. I still saw her and talked to her every day but I just never did anything romantic the past few months, I rarely took her out, etc. Of course now I'm realizing how screwed up my priorities were.

 

She basically told me when she broke up with me that she realized we were both busy and she wanted to be single and focus on herself. I was pretty down and cried in front of her, told her she was special and I loved her. She basically said that I'd find another girl and it wouldn't be her (I took this to mean that she wasn't interested in me ever again).

 

It has been a few days. The day after we broke up I went to give her some stuff back and we just talked like old times, I ended up making dinner for her. Essentially things felt the way they were several months ago but without the physicality. Of course its difficult for me but when we talk I try to just be a good friend, to be more interested in her activities than I used to be, and to not act sad.

 

She doesn't seem all that sad so I assume she has been emotionally pulling away for a few weeks now. I know I hurt her by not putting in the effort when I should have, the effort that I did when we first started dating. What should I do? Its her birthday next week so I plan to send her a simple card. I know this girl really loved me (and still does, but platonically) and was into me (she used to say all the time how handsome I am). I really love her but I screwed up my priorities and became lazy and also kind of a slob (an engineering program will make you want to wear sweats 24/7). I'd do anything to get her back, I want to take her out, make her food, all those things that I did at the start and should have kept doing. I want to start from scratch, go on a first date, woo her and give her what she deserves.

 

What should I do? I have been a good friend but not a good boyfriend to her and that is probably how she sees me now. She is probably sick of putting in the effort and getting little back. I think this girl is really special and I know I screwed up big time. I don't know if I should give her space (since she pretty much dumped me for not being romantic enough), or try to win her back by being romantic, or what??? Is there any way I can appear romantically to her again without making her feel like I don't care? Is the romantic attraction gone forever once its gone? Personally I don't believe this since every long relationship is sure to go through phases of lessened attraction and nobody is young and pretty forever.

 

I realize I screwed up big time, I don't know if she'd give me another chance (since she said the next girl I find wouldn't be her) but I don't want to just be friends. Also we are both pretty busy with school and for a while spent all our time with each other so I thought her saying that she wants to be single is something of (A) she is sick of putting in so much effort and (B) she wants to have time to pursue her hobbies. I actually thought it would be great to start from scratch, slowly, and to keep our lives balanced if I get a second chance.

 

I guess I'm mainly unsure about what my next move should be. I want to get back her attraction but since I took her for granted I don't want her to feel like she was right about me i.e., that I don't care for her and am not willing to put in effort for her. But on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat or to push her away by doing lots of romantic things after the relationship is over (even though I'd love to do these things for her). Right now we live in the same building (but she's probably moving at the end of the semester) so I had gotten into a habit of seeing her and talking to her every day. I figure I should probably stop this so I don't get friend zoned more-so than I am already, so last night I went to wish her good luck on an exam and told her that if she wanted to see me she knows where to find me. I don't plan to really contact her for a couple of weeks (except for the birthday card) unless she contacts me. But then again I'm worried this is the wrong thing to do since she broke up because I was basically neglecting her as a boyfriend.

 

I would appreciate any advice about what to next. I really want to make things work and I feel like I could if I did things right. I want to reignite the spark but not get friend zoned. I've been reflecting on my life a lot these days, and realized that I cannot take anything, even the smallest thing such as the ability to run, for granted. I realize that we don't always get another chance in life but I'd like to do anything possible to increase my chance of another chance.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry this is long, I felt like I needed to get my feelings out.

[Skalabanan]

It's more over than you could imagine, I've been in the same situation as you so I might need to give some tough love.

 

You (like I) treated our ex badly and once they left we realised what we had, this is unfortunately too late and once you get the "I love you but not in love with you" speech it's completely finished.

 

Someone who cheated on their ex has more chance of reconciliation than us, once that spark/love is gone it don't come back (maybe when you grow into different people down the line this may change).

[Chi townD]

You need to look into things. She gave you the i love you but im not in love with you speech. The ILYBINILWY speech is a CLASSIC sign of someone else being in the picture. She also try tto justify breaking up with you stating that you didnt do this, that or the other. Thats a discussion you have while your still together. Her doing it at the break up tells me that she was trying to justify in her mind that the break up was entirely your fault and she doesnt need to feel guilty about this other guy. She's trying to convince herself that if YOU did what you were supposed to do, she wouldnt be looking else where. Nevermind, that she allowed herself to get invested in someone else....

 

And dont ask her if theres someone else. She'll just lie to you. Look elsewhere for the answers.

[bpa]

Thanks for the replies. The thing is, she didn't straight out tell me that I did anything wrong. She had been giving me hints to it but of course I never realized until it was too late. She's always had guy friends but of course I don't know what she thinks or does when I wasn't there. I don't think she has someone else...

 

To me it seems like the whole time I've been busy studying the past few months and she finally said screw it, she also needs to focus on her school and herself, her hobbies rather than a relationship, especially if I wasn't.

 

The whole time we were together she's done nothing but treat me well. The only time I really remember her getting mad was a couple weeks ago when she went home for the weekend. My car died so I had to drive around after I got it jumped and I drove to get dinner at a restaurant by myself. She was mad cause I never took her out but she felt that right after she leaves I go out to dinner.

 

I guess there only way to know if its another guy is to wait and see. I know everyone's experiences are different. But I get the feeling she just doesn't want to put effort into the relationship if she isn't getting any back, and would rather be free of that stress and spend time with her new friends. I'm cool since I feel both of us had unbalanced lives. This shouldn't necessitate breaking up I feel, but she probably feels there is nothing else she can do. I would be down to start anew with more balance, I just don't know if this is possible/how to go about this?

 

In response to mutantswordfish and skalabanan, why do you think it is impossible to get the spark back? When I first met her I was more outgoing, well dressed, etc, I'm a good looking, confident guy but as I got comfortable I stopped dressing well and keeping up with other friends. I'm fixing these things, so why couldn't she become attracted to me like she was when we first met?

 

I guess I need to tread the fine line between showing her I care and not being a doormat and a wuss.

[TheWeeknd]

When a girl tells you they love you but not in love with you it basically means they lost attraction to you. It isn't impossible to gain that attraction back ( I have done it with my current ex) but you have to ask yourself if you would or should want to take them back after knowing they would leave you just because you guys got comfortable and lost the spark?

[Amelie1980]

cuz you are old cow now!

 

she was attracted to you and was drawn to you but when you slacked off, she was not unattracted. she was repulsed by your behavior and its a one way street, my friend. You cant have it back unless you win a million dollars and totally change your lifestyle

 

That doesn't always follow. When I first started going out with my bf he was immaculately dressed, not a hair out of place, clean shaven, nice clothes.

 

Fast forward a few months and he was wearing the same old jacket, same old shirts, not bothering to shave over weekends and not even.caring if he farted in front of me.

 

It happens. Its not something that repulsed me. in fact I went without make up over a quiet weekend. It shouldn't repulse you.

[Skalabanan]

Thanks for the replies. The thing is, she didn't straight out tell me that I did anything wrong. She had been giving me hints to it but of course I never realized until it was too late. She's always had guy friends but of course I don't know what she thinks or does when I wasn't there. I don't think she has someone else...

 

To me it seems like the whole time I've been busy studying the past few months and she finally said screw it, she also needs to focus on her school and herself, her hobbies rather than a relationship, especially if I wasn't.

 

The whole time we were together she's done nothing but treat me well. The only time I really remember her getting mad was a couple weeks ago when she went home for the weekend. My car died so I had to drive around after I got it jumped and I drove to get dinner at a restaurant by myself. She was mad cause I never took her out but she felt that right after she leaves I go out to dinner.

 

I guess there only way to know if its another guy is to wait and see. I know everyone's experiences are different. But I get the feeling she just doesn't want to put effort into the relationship if she isn't getting any back, and would rather be free of that stress and spend time with her new friends. I'm cool since I feel both of us had unbalanced lives. This shouldn't necessitate breaking up I feel, but she probably feels there is nothing else she can do. I would be down to start anew with more balance, I just don't know if this is possible/how to go about this?

 

In response to mutantswordfish and skalabanan, why do you think it is impossible to get the spark back? When I first met her I was more outgoing, well dressed, etc, I'm a good looking, confident guy but as I got comfortable I stopped dressing well and keeping up with other friends. I'm fixing these things, so why couldn't she become attracted to me like she was when we first met?

 

I guess I need to tread the fine line between showing her I care and not being a doormat and a wuss.

 

I wish I had the answers, stuff is quite fresh for me so more experienced members may be better suited to answer.

 

It can come back but it's a situation where you don't see each other for a long time and come back together as different people, certainly short term there's nothing to be "fixed".

 

Drop off the radar and look after yourself, not with the aim of getting her back but with improving yourself and making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.

 

I know first hand that anything said in the heat of a breakup discussion can be written off, my ex said she would always hold hope for us getting back together, she will always love me, she was crying uncontrollably throughout and then three weeks later she was shagging any bloke in sight and signing up to dating websites.

[Darren Steez]

I don't subscribe to the there's another person in the picture scenerio, there might be but we don't know, heaven help us if someone actually makes an adult decision to break up with somebody because the vibe is gone.

 

Fact is you chased, got the girl then started chilling didn't you? You got her why do all the extra stuff or put the work in. She probably told you/hinted at it and you didn't listen, so she dropped the hammer..and now you've sprung into action.

 

You're stuck in the same place, she decided to go and do something different, starting dancing, meeting new people having fun, she saw the possibilities available in life and made up her mind to bounce.

 

You won't get her back now you're in the friend zone. She said what she said to you for a reason. The friend stuff is to ease her actions over dumping you, she's being nice about it.

 

Be civil, but definitely go NC. You don't want to be her friend do you? She texts, text back matter of factly, dont get caught up and write soliloquies when she only asks how you are doing. If by luck somehow down the road you do get her back...freaking listen!!!

[Thunderchild]

You're lucky to be rid of her. The emphasis should not be on you to perform to her requirements within a relationship. You are not a performing poodle. Relationships are a joint venture where both partners are equally responsible for making it work. She dropped hints about things - not good enough!

She shirked her responsiblity. If she felt that something was wrong she should flat out talk to you about it. You are not a mind reader. And, if she can't get it resolved terminate the relationship. Either she didn't have the guts or she thought that she was too special to be bothered.

 

If she expected you to make everything perfect and wonderful for her at all times you are dealing with a very selfish individual. In short an "Entitlement Princess" who expects the world to revolve around her. This is a highly selfish individual who cannot take responsibility for her life. Her world centres around HER and HER needs/requirements - she would, if she felt like it, cheat on you without a moment's hesitation. And, that is what I think has happened here - Chi is right, that's whythe ILYBINILWY came out. Remember, in her mind, it's never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever going to be her fault!

 

Don't beat yourself up about it - you don't need her - and, definitely do not be her friend EVER!!!! Go No Contact and find someone who is willing to take responsibility for her life.

 

Stay away from this kind of individual in the future - and, look out of the signs.

 

You have dodged a bullet my friend.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Thunderchild

[Thunderchild]

I don't subscribe to the there's another person in the picture scenerio, there might be but we don't know, heaven help us if someone actually makes an adult decision to break up with somebody because the vibe is gone.

 

Fact is you chased, got the girl then started chilling didn't you? You got her why do all the extra stuff or put the work in. She probably told you/hinted at it and you didn't listen, so she dropped the hammer..and now you've sprung into action.

 

You're stuck in the same place, she decided to go and do something different, starting dancing, meeting new people having fun, she saw the possibilities available in life and made up her mind to bounce.

 

You won't get her back now you're in the friend zone. She said what she said to you for a reason. The friend stuff is to ease her actions over dumping you, she's being nice about it.

 

Be civil, but definitely go NC. You don't want to be her friend do you? She texts, text back matter of factly, dont get caught up and write soliloquies when she only asks how you are doing. If by luck somehow down the road you do get her back...freaking listen!!!

 

And, where do her responsibilities in the relationship fit into your little scenario?? People can't hear what you don't tell them!

Edited March 21, 2013 by Thunderchild

[Amelie1980]

You're lucky to be rid of her. The emphasis should not be on you to perform to her requirements within a relationship. You are not a performing poodle. Relationships are a joint venture where both partners are equally responsible for making it work. She dropped hints about things - not good enough!

She shirked her responsiblity. If she felt that something was wrong she should flat out talk to you about it. You are not a mind reader. And, if she can't get it resolved terminate the relationship. Either she didn't have the guts or she thought that she was too special to be bothered.

 

If she expected you to make everything perfect and wonderful for her at all times you are dealing with a very selfish individual. In short an "Entitlement Princess" who expects the world to revolve around her. This is a highly selfish individual who cannot take responsibility for her life. Her world centres around HER and HER needs/requirements - she would, if she felt like it, cheat on you without a moment's hesitation. And, that is what I think has happened here - Chi is right, that's whythe ILYBINILWY came out. Remember, in her mind, it's never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever going to be her fault!

 

Don't beat yourself up about it - you don't need her - and, definitely do not be her friend EVER!!!! Go No Contact and find someone who is willing to take responsibility for her life.

 

Stay away from this kind of individual in the future - and, look out of the signs.

 

You have dodged a bullet my friend.

 

Wow. That's bitter.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work.

 

Why should it be the woman's responsibility to make it work and tell thru man how to behave?

 

If he can't be arsed to make any effort anymore why bother.

[Thunderchild]

Wow. That's bitter.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work.

 

Why should it be the woman's responsibility to make it work and tell thru man how to behave?

 

If he can't be arsed to make any effort anymore why bother.

 

And, why is it the man's responsibility to 'make things work'? It is a joint venture after all as you say. Is he a mind reader? I don't think so. And, if she doesn't tell him what's wrong, how is he supposed to know?? The concept of responsibility works both ways, and a failure to communicate - for whatever reason - is an abdication of that responsibility.

 

Grown up's accept that responsiblity.