crystal712 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm in a little dilemma, well actually its more of a big issue for me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half and I have not met his 6 year old son. He was in a relationship with his child's mother for about 7 years and we started dating a little while after they broke up. I'm the first girlfriend that my boyfriend has had since splitting with her. His son's mother feels that it is inappropriate for me to met her son and has done everything possible to prevent that occurrence. My boyfriend and I have been living together since October 2011, and I'm currently 8 months pregnant. I would say that we have a pretty serious relationship. Upon finding out about my pregnancy, his son's mother filed a custody visitation ordinance, banning my boyfriend from seeing his son any where other than her house. I feel that it is all very ridiculous, and my boyfriend feels that I am being immature for not understanding the situation. We do have a nine year age difference, being that he is 29 and I'm 20, but I do not agree with his classification of my opinion. I just need some advice on what to do, or what to say because it seems like my effort and attempts have not been working.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) I'm in a little dilemma, well actually its more of a big issue for me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half and I have not met his 6 year old son. He was in a relationship with his child's mother for about 7 years and we started dating a little while after they broke up. I'm the first girlfriend that my boyfriend has had since splitting with her. His son's mother feels that it is inappropriate for me to met her son and has done everything possible to prevent that occurrence. My boyfriend and I have been living together since October 2011, and I'm currently 8 months pregnant. I would say that we have a pretty serious relationship. Upon finding out about my pregnancy, his son's mother filed a custody visitation ordinance, banning my boyfriend from seeing his son any where other than her house. I feel that it is all very ridiculous, and my boyfriend feels that I am being immature for not understanding the situation. We do have a nine year age difference, being that he is 29 and I'm 20, but I do not agree with his classification of my opinion. I just need some advice on what to do, or what to say because it seems like my effort and attempts have not been working. I will only allow a women to meet my 9 nine year old son after 4 to 6 months, and I have to feel that there is a future there. I hate to say this but your boy friend is a pussy and needs to stand up to his ex and get at least 50% custody. Tell him to get a lawyer. He needs to man the **** up. If if his ex doesn't like it then that's her problem as long as his father is a good father and you treat him good too once he's around you. I'd be pissed if I were you. I mean come on your going to be the mother of his second child. I had to fight to get 50% custody. My ex was all about the money but lost because I'm a good father. My son is my world and would spent every last dime if I had to to get 50% custody. Edited March 20, 2013 by Soxfaninfl 3
clia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been living together since October 2011, and I'm currently 8 months pregnant. I would say that we have a pretty serious relationship. Yeah, I'd say so. So you moved in together about a month after you started dating? Upon finding out about my pregnancy, his son's mother filed a custody visitation ordinance, banning my boyfriend from seeing his son any where other than her house. Was it granted? If so, you need to fill us in on the rest of the story as to why it was granted. Also please tell us why your boyfriend doesn't have overnight visits with his son at his own house. Has he taken his ex to court? I feel that it is all very ridiculous, and my boyfriend feels that I am being immature for not understanding the situation. We do have a nine year age difference, being that he is 29 and I'm 20, but I do not agree with his classification of my opinion. I think it is ridiculous that you haven't met his son. But...I think there might be more to the story. 1
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I must admit the visitation arrangement seems awfully one-sided. Why? 1
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I must admit the visitation arrangement seems awfully one-sided. Why? There has to some type of neglect on the fathers side for this to happen. How much time did the father have before he met you? 50/50 is not a guarantee unless both parties agree. If one doesnt agree then the the layers get rich and fight back and forth. If it's not resolved between the lawyers then it goes to court. If he agreed to less time that's his faut for not fighting for 50/50. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm in a little dilemma, well actually its more of a big issue for me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half and I have not met his 6 year old son. He was in a relationship with his child's mother for about 7 years and we started dating a little while after they broke up. I'm the first girlfriend that my boyfriend has had since splitting with her. His son's mother feels that it is inappropriate for me to met her son and has done everything possible to prevent that occurrence. My boyfriend and I have been living together since October 2011, and I'm currently 8 months pregnant. I would say that we have a pretty serious relationship. Upon finding out about my pregnancy, his son's mother filed a custody visitation ordinance, banning my boyfriend from seeing his son any where other than her house. I feel that it is all very ridiculous, and my boyfriend feels that I am being immature for not understanding the situation. We do have a nine year age difference, being that he is 29 and I'm 20, but I do not agree with his classification of my opinion. I just need some advice on what to do, or what to say because it seems like my effort and attempts have not been working. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes as an ex of mine is with someone else,the children spend holidays with them, she had an affair with my ex and he abandoned our family to be with her........in saying that i dont stop him from seeing the girls....it does make me uncomfortable because i dont agree with what they did and never will, but, i teach my girls to respect her and treat her with courtesy, as they would anyone.......i have forgiven them and only recently after seven years have i spoken to her.......and I wished her well adn a happy xmas....you have to see the other side as well, the ex has children who she adores she doesnt know you but your ex does, that is a moot point when she thinks about how or what her children might learn from you..children are impressionable, my oldest daughter told me she nearly threw up when the current partner of my ex was looking down her nose at people who cheat on partners and saying how she doesn't understand how anyone thinks that is right....ahem...no comment.......she also used to run me down for the fact i cant drive....or the clothes i packed or would get upset if the girls nanna asked about me in conversation wanting to know how i was and that i was ok...........their nanna misses me.......and the girls felt uncomfortable answering a simple question in front of her......as she would stop smiling as soon as my name was mentioned....these are problems that arise......and they have nothing to do with me...i have doen nothign to her....i could.....but i wont........the only thing that matters to em now is the fact she makes my girls uncomfortable so i try my best to counter act that.....by being friendly and open...i suggest you take that tack......plain sailing if you counter act.......its actually a defensive and sound move, strategy wise and takes in the best interest of the child involved.....animosity is hell to live and deal with as a child...........adults who accept parental responsibility, need to step up and stop this......its counter productive for the child to not step up and be gracious and compromising.......... i think there is more to this story than your ex is letting on or you are saying, and i think you need to speak openly and honestly......with your partner you are having a baby with......you as an expectant mother have to understand that the reasons the ex wont let you see the child....might be for the best interests of the child involved..the child might be having trouble adjusting and it is an adjustment...one year is not a long time....she may be waiting to see if this union is one of permanency if he was unfaithful to her etc...you just dont know......what was the reason fro their split?????....best wishes...deb 2
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 There has to some type of neglect on the fathers side for this to happen. How much time did the father have before he met you? 50/50 is not a guarantee unless both parties agree. If one doesnt agree then the the layers get rich and fight back and forth. If it's not resolved between the lawyers then it goes to court. If he agreed to less time that's his faut for not fighting for 50/50. Frankly, I would be concerned if he didn't fight for at least 50%. If he settled for less, I would wonder where his priorities were and just how much commitment he had for his only child. But that's just me... 2
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Frankly, I would be concerned if he didn't fight for at least 50%. If he settled for less, I would wonder where his priorities were and just how much commitment he had for his only child. But that's just me... Not all men want 50/50. It's sad to be honest. These men's priorites are some where else. I have a friend like that. He has issues. Were not close. I asked him dont you miss your kids, and he said you get used to it. He only sees them once a week. I miss my son when he's with his mother every other week. I would do anything to be able to see my son every day, but his mother didn't want to work this out during the hard times in our marriage and left for another man. I want to be the best dad in the world to my son. I've thought about trying to reconcile with her again, but I just feel it would be pointless. She doesn't love me anymore and still with this OM. It sucks that I'm missing half of my sons life, but I have to be unselfish and share him with his mom. I don't want to but for the sake of my son I have to. He needs his mom in his life. I never fought for more than 50% custody. Edited March 21, 2013 by Soxfaninfl 1
silvermercy Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It's not just that you were still in your teens when you started dating a much older guy... But why would you have a kid with ANYONE so fast!? I, too, think there's more to this story. Why would the mother react like that? What did the court papers cite as the true reasons?
Author crystal712 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I will only allow a women to meet my 9 nine year old son after 4 to 6 months, and I have to feel that there is a future there. I hate to say this but your boy friend is a pussy and needs to stand up to his ex and get at least 50% custody. Tell him to get a lawyer. He needs to man the **** up. If if his ex doesn't like it then that's her problem as long as his father is a good father and you treat him good too once he's around you. I'd be pissed if I were you. I mean come on your going to be the mother of his second child. I had to fight to get 50% custody. My ex was all about the money but lost because I'm a good father. My son is my world and would spent every last dime if I had to to get 50% custody. It is very upsetting. My boyfriend is a great father and makes sure that his son is provided with everything that he needs. He is in private school and gets everything that he could possibly want. My boyfriend has helped his ex with getting a new car and a house. His son does not want for anything
Author crystal712 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Yeah, I'd say so. So you moved in together about a month after you started dating? Was it granted? If so, you need to fill us in on the rest of the story as to why it was granted. Also please tell us why your boyfriend doesn't have overnight visits with his son at his own house. Has he taken his ex to court? I think it is ridiculous that you haven't met his son. But...I think there might be more to the story. No, we started dating in the summer of 2011. Yes we did move a little fast, but we honestly fell in love. It has not been granted as the case is ongoing, but as of now the judge ruled that my boyfriend would visit his son only at her house. When he did have overnight visits, I would stay at a relatives house. Overnight visits stopped once she found out I was expecting.
Author crystal712 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I must admit the visitation arrangement seems awfully one-sided. Why? His ex works for the attorney generals office so she is using her weight there to pull strings and get "special favors"
Soxfaninfl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It is very upsetting. My boyfriend is a great father and makes sure that his son is provided with everything that he needs. He is in private school and gets everything that he could possibly want. My boyfriend has helped his ex with getting a new car and a house. His son does not want for anything So why does he not get to have his son stay with him a couple of night a week at least? What happened? No judge would allow that if he's a good father.
Author crystal712 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 It makes me uncomfortable sometimes as an ex of mine is with someone else,the children spend holidays with them, she had an affair with my ex and he abandoned our family to be with her........in saying that i dont stop him from seeing the girls....it does make me uncomfortable because i dont agree with what they did and never will, but, i teach my girls to respect her and treat her with courtesy, as they would anyone.......i have forgiven them and only recently after seven years have i spoken to her.......and I wished her well adn a happy xmas....you have to see the other side as well, the ex has children who she adores she doesnt know you but your ex does, that is a moot point when she thinks about how or what her children might learn from you..children are impressionable, my oldest daughter told me she nearly threw up when the current partner of my ex was looking down her nose at people who cheat on partners and saying how she doesn't understand how anyone thinks that is right....ahem...no comment.......she also used to run me down for the fact i cant drive....or the clothes i packed or would get upset if the girls nanna asked about me in conversation wanting to know how i was and that i was ok...........their nanna misses me.......and the girls felt uncomfortable answering a simple question in front of her......as she would stop smiling as soon as my name was mentioned....these are problems that arise......and they have nothing to do with me...i have doen nothign to her....i could.....but i wont........the only thing that matters to em now is the fact she makes my girls uncomfortable so i try my best to counter act that.....by being friendly and open...i suggest you take that tack......plain sailing if you counter act.......its actually a defensive and sound move, strategy wise and takes in the best interest of the child involved.....animosity is hell to live and deal with as a child...........adults who accept parental responsibility, need to step up and stop this......its counter productive for the child to not step up and be gracious and compromising.......... i think there is more to this story than your ex is letting on or you are saying, and i think you need to speak openly and honestly......with your partner you are having a baby with......you as an expectant mother have to understand that the reasons the ex wont let you see the child....might be for the best interests of the child involved..the child might be having trouble adjusting and it is an adjustment...one year is not a long time....she may be waiting to see if this union is one of permanency if he was unfaithful to her etc...you just dont know......what was the reason fro their split?????....best wishes...deb I completely understand why any mother, or parent would be hesitant to allow their child(ren) to meet a girlfriend or boyfriend. I just feel that this year we will have been dating for two years and I am having a child with my boyfriend who will be his sons sibling. If he advised me that he or she's had a conversation with their son, and he is not ready to meet me I would understand. I have a step-parent and I can definitely relate. His ex is merely upset that he has moved on she has not. They split because he was not happy with his life with her, he was not unfaithful to her at any point in there relationship. I had nothing to do with their split and did not even know him when it happened. 1
Author crystal712 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 It's not just that you were still in your teens when you started dating a much older guy... But why would you have a kid with ANYONE so fast!? I, too, think there's more to this story. Why would the mother react like that? What did the court papers cite as the true reasons? I was 18 when I met him and turned 19 like two months after. I'll be 21 this summer. We lived together for a year and had been dating a little over a year when I got pregnant.
CC12 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) I just need some advice on what to do, or what to say because it seems like my effort and attempts have not been working. Could you clarify what kind of advice you're looking for? Because if your answer is "I want to make my boyfriend introduce me to his son" then there's nothing anyone here can help you with. If your boyfriend doesn't want his son to meet you, there's nothing you can do about it that you probably haven't tried already. It's your boyfriend's decision. And don't be fooled by believing that it's all his crazy ex's fault, because it's not. Your boyfriend chose to not introduce you. I mean, he could have been like, "Uh, no, crazy ex, I am not going to make my live-in girlfriend stay somewhere else while son is visiting. That's stupid." And he could have not called you immature for having an issue with this insane setup. That was especially ****ty of him, because instead of respecting your feelings and offering to make it better somehow, he just basically told you that you were wrong and didn't understand the grown ups so you should just deal with it and stop complaining. There are lots of issues here. Edit: Furthermore, "being immature" is a really ****ty insult coming from a 29-year-old who is supposed to be your boyfriend. I mean, how are you to argue that? You are 20. Obviously he is more mature than you due to having 9 more years of life experience under his belt. If he has a problem with your maturity, then he shouldn't be dating you. I ****ing hate it when older people are like, "Buhhh my 20-year-old girlfriend isn't acting mature enough waaahhhh." Sorry I got ranty, but OP, I think the rant is very relevant to your situation. Edited March 21, 2013 by CC12 2
FitChick Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Sounds like this guy has money. Two women got pregnant hoping to cash in, ideally through marriage. At least the first one got a car and a house. He didn't marry the first, he won't marry the second. It costs him less money this way and he can easily move out when things go bad, as they do. Some women have to learn the hard way that you can't trap a man by getting pregnant. He will resent you and leave.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Here's the gist of it; You're a young/dumb 20 year old who thinks she is more mature than you actually are...unfortunately you got with a man fresh out of a 7 year relationship, which will consequently lead you into being a rebound...he knocks you up because you're a baby maker and now sadly sooner or later he is very likely if not guaranteed to move on from you. The good news is this guy sounds like he's got a decent job to be making such a stupid decision with a 20 year old, he's definitely got more sense than that, so he knows what he is doing...sounds like he doesn't mind making some babies at this point in his life. He's not in love with you, and you'll figure that out...you're not really relevant or a priority in terms of his actual life, which consists of his past ex and his other child...he'll just become annoyed and burdened by your level of immaturity at some point and move on. Plus his ex probably calls him every name in the book for knocking up a 20 year old, and is still going to fight him. Usually he'll get back with the ex at some point for the sake of the child and family unit/maturity level, and you'll be kicked some child support as he cuts you out of his life. That's how this story usually goes, I hope for your sake you picked a decent man with some integrity and pride and will be there for you...other than obligation, but hopefully at the least in the future. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I completely understand why any mother, or parent would be hesitant to allow their child(ren) to meet a girlfriend or boyfriend. I just feel that this year we will have been dating for two years and I am having a child with my boyfriend who will be his sons sibling. If he advised me that he or she's had a conversation with their son, and he is not ready to meet me I would understand. I have a step-parent and I can definitely relate. His ex is merely upset that he has moved on she has not. They split because he was not happy with his life with her, he was not unfaithful to her at any point in there relationship. I had nothing to do with their split and did not even know him when it happened. i do see your side you know...its a difficult one to be in, i have no idea why this is happening but your partner would know, he would have to know.....i think it is more involved....than just moving on.......i wish you all the best with your pregnancy and your new bub when you have her or him........i think the situation you are in may remain unresolved if your partner doesn't open up to you.....his explanation isnt enough to go by really, and i do wish you the best ............deb
CC12 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Sounds like this guy has money. Two women got pregnant hoping to cash in, ideally through marriage. At least the first one got a car and a house. He didn't marry the first, he won't marry the second. It costs him less money this way and he can easily move out when things go bad, as they do. Some women have to learn the hard way that you can't trap a man by getting pregnant. He will resent you and leave. I think you've made some unfair assumptions. Saying that these two women purposely got pregnant "hoping to cash in" or hoping to "trap a man" is a really ugly thing to say, and I don't think there has been any proof of that at all. It's not like these women got pregnant by themselves. 3
silvermercy Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 (edited) I was 18 when I met him and turned 19 like two months after. I'll be 21 this summer. We lived together for a year and had been dating a little over a year when I got pregnant. That's what I meant by teen (eighteen, nineteen). Please take no offence at this, since I'm not saying this to offend you, but you are not ready at this age to make such big decisions like pregnancy and marriage with men much older than you who had recently broke up with their ex and have a kid already. Dating a little over a year until pregnancy and at your age especially is a tiny amount of time. If you were a bit older I hope you'd be able to see why the above is not the correct way of action in any serious relationship. I hope for your sake you don't end up a single mother just like his ex. Edited March 21, 2013 by silvermercy
clia Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 No, we started dating in the summer of 2011. Yes we did move a little fast, but we honestly fell in love. It has not been granted as the case is ongoing, but as of now the judge ruled that my boyfriend would visit his son only at her house. When he did have overnight visits, I would stay at a relatives house. Overnight visits stopped once she found out I was expecting. Have you actually seen this paperwork yourself? Did you read what she filed, his response, and the Judge's order? Does your boyfriend have an attorney? Did you go to court with him? Did he have a custody arrangement with her for his son before you came into the picture? Because this makes no sense at all. I've never heard of a Judge ordering someone to visit their child at their ex's house. Is your boyfriend allowed to take his son anywhere unsupervised? I still do not think he has told you the entire story. I don't care who she knows -- a Judge is not going to prevent a stable father with a stable home from seeing his son or having overnight visits. He's not going to order him to have visitation at his ex's house for no reason. (And a Judge isn't going to care that the father is in a new relationship provided you are a stable person.) What has the ex accused your boyfriend of doing? This kind of a decision also does not take months and months to resolve in custody situations. In other words, I believe your boyfriend is preventing you from meeting his son -- not his ex. 1
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