How to combat feeling "disconnected" around partners family?

[understanding4you]

I've been with my SO for 3 years. We've been living together for the past year in our own place (we each moved out of our own parents' house). I realize even moreso now, that my SO is very much attached to his family. All his brothers have moved out as well, however they chose to stay in the same town as the parents live. Us, on the other hand, decided to move a couple cities over (about 15 min. away), but SO now wants to find a place even closer to his family. He will go to his mom's house various times throughout the week including our ritual Sundays, which is a day his mom chose that we all go over her house for dinner.

 

Bottom line, I find it annoying at times. I think I feel this way even more because I never felt like I was "accepted" into his family. There were several times, where i was not invited out with the girlfriends of the brothers. They would make plans amongst themselves and I would see it being posted on FB or I would just happen to contact one of them when they were in the middle of going somewhere together and I would be invited on a "last minute" thing.

 

I've tried contacting his family here and there through text message just to make small talk, see how they're doing, and show interest in being more a part of the family, but conversations always seems so cut and dry. And this goes for when I'm at their house too. There just never seems to be much to talk about. Every week when we go to my SO's mothers house for Sunday dinner, it seems so repetitive and dry in conversation. It's to the point where I know exactly what each person is going to talk about. His whole family is very materialistic--conversations will always consist of what they plan of buying, who has what, etc.

 

Just a lttle background..

 

I've always felt different from them in a bunch of small ways--I'm independent, aiming for a career, I like deep meaningful conversations... I've been continuing my education from before me and my SO have been dating, and even now, I am still in school. I've never felt like his family was very interested in what I was doing with my life. I honestly don't even think some of them know that I'm in school or what I'm going for. None of his family pursued anything more than finishing high school. And both brothers wound up getting girls that they were just messing around with pregnant & moving them into the parents house with them. One followed in the footsteps of another. Despite me feeling like this was such a dysfuctional way of being, I was even more stunned by the way the mother condoned it all. It seemed like through it all, she was just happy there were going to be little babies in the house and that made her feel needed.She lacked the bigger picture and what she was encouraging. She never encouraged any of her sons to strive high or to even get their own place. She would cook, clean, and shell out money to help raise both her sons' kids, and will always chime in on how to raise the kids & these are grown men in their mid twenties! They both wound up moving out on their own only because it was too packed in the house and they wanted their own privacy.

 

So with all this being said, I feel like my "MIL" shows so much more admiration and like for the other two girls because they have her grandchildren. She has never had a different type of girl around (like me) who doesnt have kids by her son yet and is just trying to deviate away from that pattern. I feel like she doesnt relate to me or better yet know how to and her disinterest in me shows. Sometimes, I feel like because I show I'm independent and doing things the right way in life, she feels a sense of no control. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm just always trying to figure it out.

 

So all in all, I just feel disconnected from this family. I feel like if they werent my SO's family, they wouldn't be the type of crowd I would hang out with and I think thats where the big difference lies. I don't feel like I can relate to their lifestyles. It is so frustrating though because I want us to be somewhat close. I hate feeling like the outsider when I'm around them. I've been around just as long as one girl, and the other has only been in the family for about a year and I can see the families much stronger connection with them. Is this because they have kids? I dont know. I'd like to think that shouldnt matter. I know it bothers my SO because he tells me he feels like I dont like spending time with them. I even skip out of the Sunday dinners some weeks because I just cant bear to be around them. It just doesnt seem to flow when I'm around. I find there are alot of awkward silent moments because theres literally nothing to talk about besides me asking how their week went and vice versa. It's just always so one worded in response and when they ask me how things are going, I try to ellaborate more than just a simple "fine" to open up the door for more conversation, but they just seem sidetracked or disinterested when I am talking and will quickly focus the conversation onto something unimportant that is going on in the room elsewhere (for example, the dog looking out the window.) The mom will literally interrupt me just to mention that the dog is so funny..he's waiting for so & so to get home!!?? She has also been rude in other instances like speaking in another language around me when she knows I dont speak it, and will carry on and on for long periods of time. I feel like she does this purposely because I'm the only one that isn't bi-lingual (although I share partial the same nationality as them) and hispanic people tend to find this shameful. I even mentioned it to my SO and he agreed that he noticed her speaking for a long period of time in spanish, yet didn't say anything about it.

 

I try to talk to my SO about some of these issues that bother me and that it makes me not want to genuinely be around his family, but I don't think he gets it. He gets very defensive when it comes to them and will never tell me he understands where I'm coming from.

 

I'm just looking for some advice on this subject. I don't know what else I can do to try to improve the situation. I hate that dreaded feeling I get when the weekends come and I don't want it to get to the point where they can sense I don't want to be there either.

[yessy21]

Easy, do what i do.

 

Sit and stare at your phone. and just answer questions that are asked.

 

I find it ackward when i see my bf family.. the only one i like is his grandma. everyone else i get this ocky feeling from and i have a sense that they talk garbage that they dont really know about and that is why im uncomftorable around them. Its called an instinct.