not being aggressive/competitive

[fortyninethousand322]

I feel like this is a major problem for me. If I'm interested in a girl and another guy is interested in the same girl (or seems interested) I'll back off and let him go ahead. I just don't feel like "competing" like that (not that I'm against all competition I like sports and stuff like that). It's something that's always been the case.

 

I also don't like being bold in my actions (and I suppose my words too) when it comes to girls. I could say that it's just because I'm naturally shy, but I think part of it is also that for pretty much my whole life any time I expressed interest in a girl (verbally or physically) she metaphorically "ran away" so to speak. The last girl I "dated" (quotation marks because I don't know for sure what we were) didn't like me hugging her (after initially being ok with it), let alone kissing her (the latter of which I never tried). Whenever girls thought I liked them they acted uncomfortable around me after initially being fine with me. Some of those times I really did like the girl in question sometimes I didn't.

 

So, I don't know. The "sexually aggressive" thread made me think about this. I do think I have a lower sex drive than most men, not sure if that has to do with my celibacy or if I have low testosterone levels or something else which might have something to with my passiveness. But, at the same time, I also just don't feel comfortable expressing interest in women. I feel like I have to wait until it seems like they like me before doing anything. Which, I have no idea how to tell that anyway. Just some jumbled thoughts I suppose.

[carhill]

Do you feel you express interest in women you're attracted to? If so, how?

 

IMO, the key is synergy. In the related thread, the 'style' of the man was/is antithetical to the woman's usual experience of a more sexually assertive man, so she appears somewhat confused and reticent. This could mean they are incompatible. Perhaps they can resolve the issue.

 

In your case, if the lady chooses the other man because he's more aggressive, then that's her choice. IMO, you can't be someone you aren't and expect to have healthy and long-lasting relationships. What's required is synergy, meaning a lady who appreciates and validates your style of interaction.

 

That said, if you consistently find yourself being passed over as being too 'passive', then try small changes to a more active approach and see what happens. Respect your own style of attraction and engagement but take small steps regarding what you 'do' about that attraction and engagement. If you're walking, don't launch into a sprint, but merely try walking more briskly or skipping a bit now and then. See what happens.

[fortyninethousand322]

Well, I'm not sure if all of these women "pass me up" in favor of the other guy. I just sort of back away and let whatever happens happen. These are women that I've usually met in class or at school or something so it's not like they're are a big part of my social group or something. I have no idea what happens after I back away.

 

As far as expressing my interest, I mean I flirt sometimes, and with the girl I dated I told her I liked spending time with her (this was months into whatever it is we were doing). I'll ask for a phone number or ask a girl on a date or something. Otherwise, I'm pretty reserved about things.

[carhill]

If you haven't done this, try reading the off-topic thread in the evenings and watch for the 'flirting' that goes on between members. Examine how you feel about that and how it compares to your style of interaction. Gain insight into your own style, mindful of what I suggested about tweeking it slightly.

 

Personally, I found a lady more likely to be receptive to my style if she found me interesting and funny. Sometimes the humor was covertly sexual, but polite. The key was indicating to her, even in my own less aggressive style, that I was interested in her sexually, not merely asking for a phone number or out on a date, but 'more' than that. For lack of a better phrase, 'getting her juices flowing'.

 

Hope that helps.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've dated a few reserved/shy guys, but they somehow overcame that shyness quite a bit to pursue me. Since I'm pretty old school in my approach to dating and never approach men, we never would have gotten together if they hadn't approached and been more assertive with me than they normally were.

 

I think I'm more forgiving of reserve and shyness than your typical woman, because I like those kind of guys and identify with them. But they have to put it out there at least a little to get something going.

 

I agree with carhill's advice to get a little out of your comfort zone and see what happens.

[Barnacle-Bob]

I've never been aggressive or competitive when it comes to girls. I prefer to hang back and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I'm not shy...quite the opposite really. I just try to exude that a girl should want to hang out with me without having to sell her on it.

 

Works for me. And if it doesn't, it doesn't.

[normal person]

I also agree with Carhill (who always makes great posts, I might add), you need to get out of your comfort zone.

 

The even simpler matter is that women love confidence and assertion. When you say "You know what? I'm just going to let the other guy have you because it's not worth the effort/I can't compete," you're really not doing yourself any favors.

 

If you aren't approaching a girl, she probably thinks you're not interested or worse: afraid. A grown man that's too timid to assert himself to the level of others is not going to be seen as a potential partner. You need to "fight" for what you want or at least be willing to enter the ring. If you're unwilling, you're out of luck. You're not going to earn sympathy attraction. It's a cruel game, but you can't win if you don't play. Enough cliches.

 

 

I've never been aggressive or competitive when it comes to girls. I prefer to hang back and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I'm not shy...quite the opposite really. I just try to exude that a girl should want to hang out with me without having to sell her on it.

 

Works for me. And if it doesn't, it doesn't.

 

This can also work wonders too. But you can't be shy.

Edited March 20, 2013 by normal person

[fortyninethousand322]

I guess I just feel like the moment I try to do something the girl will run for the hills (because that's all that's ever happened). So I'm very reluctant to do anything. I guess you could say I'm afraid, but not irrationally so.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess I just feel like the moment I try to do something the girl will run for the hills (because that's all that's ever happened). So I'm very reluctant to do anything. I guess you could say I'm afraid, but not irrationally so.

Just do it. Eventually, someone will respond favorably.

 

I'm an introvert by nature myself, but I'm getting ready to date again, so I know I have to turn myself back on socially if I want to meet men. Lately I've just been practicing on random people. Today I chatted with the lady at the post office and the clerk at the drug store.

[SJC2008]

Here's a great point from LR from the mentioned thread:

 

I think a big issue is that a lot of guys don't know how to show they are physically attracted to a woman other than through sex.

 

 

As men we know not making a move or showing interest early on will earn us a sentence to the FZ. OTOH, coming on too strong spells disaster more often than not. So where is the "medium"? I mean wouldn't going for sex on the 3rd date come accross as desperation? What about phyical contact on the first date? A female poster said she doesn't want the guy to try to go for sex right away but show he's attracted to her and an example was on a first date put his hand on the small of her back. In my eyes a first date is to see if there is a connection and if there should be a second date. I'll end it with a hug but anything more than that (even a hand on the small of her back) is unneccessary IMO. I have kissed on the first date twice and didn't get 2nd dates fwiw. Anyway, I'm starting to think coming on too strong is less about physical moves and more about verbal, non physical things. Things like too much contact, OTT statements that would lead her to beleive that you're sprung on her and it hasn't even been a month. A great example would be the last woman I dated. We had 5 dates and the last time I asked her out she said she was busy. She texted me later apologizing saying she lied that she had a date and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Well I told her she was wrong for lying but that it wasn't a good situation for me becase I was uncomfortable with multi dating and would be best if she dated others as I didn't want to keep dating her and get hurt later on down the road. Well in her mind that read "Please don't leave me I need you:(" when it didn't. I meant what I said but not with the "weight" she took it at.

 

I think I'm learning a good formula and how to toe the line. It's obviously not going to work for all women as all women are different but it's a good rule of thumb. Flirt respectfully, progress respectfully, don't put her on a pedestal like you need her and she's the center of your universe and just have fun. Keep your mouth shut about any mushy stuff untill you're in an R and she's invested.

Edited March 21, 2013 by SJC2008
speeling

[PogoStick]

You are afraid of rejection, plain and simple. Overcoming this will be life changing. If you don't even try then you can't get the girl. How is that any better than being turned down?

 

Think of it like sales. Ask out 10 girls and 1 agrees to a date. Date 10 girls and 1 becomes a girlfriend. Knowing this, you should be excited to ask out 100 girls ASAP! Who cares if 1 says no, you have 99 more to ask! Who cares if a date goes poorly, you'll have a new one next week.

 

Time to start a journey of self improvement. Be honest about your weaknesses and fears, then challenge yourself to overcome them. For example, I've been shy and afraid of public speaking, so I started a wedding DJ business. Being the center of attention for hundreds of people pushed my boundaries!

[kassy]

It takes practice, and you need to meet the right person.

 

I don't think you should worry about trying to be a sexual predator ha but agree with the others that you need to get over your fears and go for it. We all get rejected. That's life. But if you get out there and meet people and have some fun with the whole thing then every now and then someone awesome turns up.

 

It's worth getting out there because if you don't you will miss out. And I have to say some of my funniest stories are terrible dates- either I was just especially retarded or the guy was weird or whatever. So even really dates can be hilarious. Just don't have huge expectations but to try and have fun. If it is fun, then that's a great start and you can try making some moves.

 

If you meet someone you like it's simple:

- early after meeting them ask them out on a date

- if they say yes turn up with the goal to enjoy yourself and get to know the other person

- if you liked them ask them out again, if they say yes, maybe try small escalations - touch on the small of the back or whatever. If it feels right go for the kiss, if not save it for the next date.

- after you kiss things should move easier on the next date or fizzle out.

 

If they aren't into you, then move on to the next chick you meet who you think is a bit of alright.

 

Just ask them out early on then you won't end up too stress about the outcome or unsure of where you stand.

 

Don't think so much, just do it.

 

Good luck!