Am I being a crazy girlfriend?

[silvermercy]

Even ONE text a month (that you know of) is one too many. This is too frequent. And coupling that with the rest... I'm sorry but I get bad vibes from all the posts describing him.

 

So he sees NO NEED to cut off contact with her? Whaaa... Come again!?

I'm sorry but I have great difficulty grasping the difference between marriage or no marriage status when it comes to no contact. So basically what he's saying is that since you're not married he can disrespect you however and whenever he wants! Why are you okay with that? Because that's what he's "politely" saying!!

 

Doesn't he have some friends already!? How many does he need? Are they mostly women? And why this particular one? Also, can't he try and make NEW friends!? I mean... whatt??

Edited March 21, 2013 by silvermercy

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't really feel like explaining everything but from the get go I accepted him speaking with exes. It wouldn't be fair of me to jump on his back about them all when he made it clear he believes in being friends with them since the get go.

 

 

 

I'm not worried, I spoke my piece and he eased my mind. I understand the contact with her, I truly do, I wouldn't because I have never been one to keeP in touch with any exes but he made sense in what he said. She has a boyfriend and I do not doubt his love for me, It was never a question of him being trust worthy, but my own uneasyness with the situation and how to handle it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He just made me feel better which is what I wanted. I would not break up with him for a text message when there is no doubt that I am who he wants to be with. My feelings were just hurt.

[iKING]

My advice is move forward now, video is deleted and gone, you've moved past the idea of him talking to exes, time to go back to where you were at.

 

I'm not going to put a bunch of bad ideas in your head because I'm kind of rooting for you, but from experiences exes or even past hook ups can be strictly platonic, or they can be back up plans.

 

You handled it just fine, I would have been upset as well, but that's only because I make a point of deleting all videos and pictures of/with exes at breakup time. It's simply the respectful thing to do.

[mortensorchid]

I wouldn't be bent out of shape about it. He's with you now. It would be foolish if not downright neive of you to assume he didn't have some kind of past. Unless you have come across some hard evidence that he is cheating (whiched based on this information) he is not, then relax.

 

Nothing is more of a turn off to a man than to have a bitchy girlfriend who makes demands on him. And a man who follows the demands is a wimp or a loser. He will end up resenting you for putting such a demand on him, so never put one on him or any other.

[Fugu]

I think it's naive and controlling to impose a strict no-contact policy, but the contact ought to be of a very limited variety. Being friends -- okay maybe if he and the other girl were just friends to begin with. But with ex's? That's not just friends and it never could be. Again, doesn't mean you need to flip out any time there's contact, but what exactly is 'friendship' with an ex? The moment things hit a rough patch between you two, he'll have only his 'friends' to contact. And you know who those are. Think about this. I think there need to be some ground rules. There needs to be some degree of transparency.

[carhill]

I guess this is where I disagree. If my BF found sex video with me and another dude I'd be absolutely MORTIFIED. And I'm pretty liberal when it comes to sex.

That makes sense, given that you're not a man. I was speaking strictly of the BF and men in general, and especially men who choose to keep that kind of pornography on their personal computers. It's easy to fein contrition with a backup in hand. This is a man who 'has had a lot of relationships' so is very experienced with women and how to 'handle' them. The OP related such herself as she shared that he made her 'feel better' and she considers the matter apparently resolved. That it occurred so quickly and with so little rancor is testament to his skill. Kudos to him. Good show.

[leegmoser]

I just think that there needs to be start and obvious discussion between two persons about what their ambitions are of each other and the relationship.

 

Just my viewpoint. Complete disclosure: I usually decrease more on the conventional part in relationships, so take this for what you will.

[candie13]

Dear Miss J, I'll share my pov with you, but mind you, I am outside your relationship and keeping a very cold, rational head, about it. I am the absolutely irrational when this type of sh*t happens to me .

 

Your guy had a past, he was in relationships, he f*cked things up, but he was also happy and done things right. That video belongs to his past, but he is where and what he is today, because of his past. Denying that would be totally unhealthy.

 

if I were a guy and had sex videos with my previous gfs, I wouldn't want to delete them, just because a new girl came along. I'd store them online and not keep them on my laptop. As he quite correctly puts it, unless he is married, he had no need to part with those things. And yeah, I also understand that he is keeping in contact with people who mattered to him. I would do the same, if that were possible.

 

Just tell him to not keep the videos where u can get your hands on them and focus on today and on your relationship. If there's anything wrong with him seeing his ex, you'd feel it and he'd know it.

 

In the end, it is not that those videos existed that is important, but how you two dealt with this issue: you talked about it, he was open, he explained, you didn't have a crisis, it didn't shake your relationship. That is good sign ! Stay in the present and focus on how he is to you and how he related to other people around him. If you feel that "he is keeping his options open", irrespective of sex videos or not, you should react strongly to that.

 

otherwise, it's fine. It's not like you believed your guy was a virgin before you discovered those videos. you knew he had sex before, he just happen to have recorded it. His ex gf's problem, not yours, because you got to see her vagina, lol. No biggie

 

cheers

[lino]

This is really bad news. I would not be OK with this at all.

 

 

Me neither.

 

I'd instantly dump a girl if she held onto sex videos of herself with other blokes while with me

[runningfar]

I would be ok with communication if he is acting trustworthy

 

 

I would not be okay with him still having the video

 

Not as you or her. No way should he still have that

[MrCastle]

The sex tape doesn't even bother me. I mean yeah, if I found one of my SO I would be upset, but I'd realize she was in relationshps prior to ours and certainly slept with her partners.

 

My issue is the staying in communication part. It's tough in this particular case, being that both of them are in recovery and maybe lean on each other every now and again for support, but at the same time, could possibly leave the door open for feelings to come back.

 

Even if it's not his feelings for her, it could be her feelings for him, which is still enough to drive a wedge in your relationship as she tries to break you guys up.

 

Stranger things have happened.

[truth_seeker]

I'll make this short.

 

 

 

Found a home made sex video on his computer, it's the bedroom one that we use to watch movies.

I was upset but totally aware that sometimes **** like that lingers around.

Today he brought her up, the one who was in the video. My man has had quite a few relationships, and most of the women he is in some form of contact with.

 

 

I always knew about her, but I then realized that she was the one person he had a serious relationship with as well as had these sex videos with and I am very uncomfortable with the idea that they are still in contact.

 

 

I guess they text every now and then and he follows her on instagram... Am I letting my insecurity get the best of me or am I somewhat justified in not being ok with it?

 

Not to be a jerk, but you pumped this guy up on other threads saying how great he is, the connection you two have is not like any other, you just knew when you met him, yaddy, yadda, yadda, and lo and behold - he's a scumbag holding onto sex tapes and is still in contact with ex-gf's.

 

It's over.

[Drseussgrrl]

Honey I know you think he's amazing and perfect for you and your love will conquer all and everything -

 

BUT, I have to say the fact that you're so much younger than him, living with him after a few months, dependent on him because you lost your job and your car, he said no to bringing your cats with you, balked at helping you babysit your friend's kid, he works at Wal Mart at age 33... keeping in touch with an ex regularly?!

 

I dunno. Now this. There's something really wrong with the dynamic here. These are not just regular relationship problems that everyone has. At his age he should know better. He seems really stunted.

 

You are young and gorgeous. Your focus at this point in time is shaping yourself to be the badass woman you have it in you to be. And you DO NOT NEED A MAN to make this happen.

 

The only men you should ever be dependent on are your dad as a kid and your husband if you're staying home with HIS kids.

[miss_jaclynrae]

There are too many to individually quote.

To everyone who gave advice on how to approach the situation, thank you.

 

 

 

 

I am tired of having to defend my relationship on here.

I make a post about wondering how to approach a situation and BOOM.

Multiple posters commenting about how

 

"Oh I told you so."

or

"It's over, move on."

 

 

 

Seriously?

Our relationship is great, so many of you are hypocritical, you tell me that I can't really KNOW who he is until we experience true ups and downs, yet the moment we have a down it is an automatic "leave him!".

 

I can't win? And I don't really want to. Yeah, we hit a situation that wasn't ideal, we sat down and talked about it. He has never given me a reason to not trust him, mistakes happen. He had ONE sex video, he apologized and deleted it. He minorly keeps in touch with ex's, he told me that from the get go, always honest, it was just the combination of the fact that this was a long term relationship, he had a sex video, and they keep in INFREQUENT touch that made my stomach twist.

 

Who's stomach wouldn't? That doesn't mean he did anything to deal break the relationship. We did what I find to be the most effective thing, TALK.

 

He is a great boyfriend, he is emotionally supportive and I rely on THAT. Life wise, I still pay my bills, we live together now, I am ON THE LEASE, how is that HIM supporting me? That was an adult choice we made to move in, something we discussed in depth before we did it.

 

Not to mention now people are jumping on him for his job... really? No sense of empathy on here, he was an alcoholic, he IS stunted, a disease took 10 years away from him. That doesn't lessen him as a man or a boyfriend.

Would you all prefer if I was with a 30 year old who was set in a career? Would that be a better choice of someone to move in with? Isn't it better to be with someone with a more similar point in life? We are both working towards our ultimate career goals, and we are great partners.

 

It isn't perfect all the time, for being 5 months in of non stop separation though... I think we are doing pretty damn well. I don't know how many times I can say that we have lived together since day 1, only now I am no longer paying for an empty apartment. These are all SMART moves in my mind, and moves that are being done more so out of want than need. I very well could keep my lease, why though? Why pay for one place and spend all my time at another? It is a waste of money and not very smart financially.

 

I may be 23, and you all can think our relationship is doomed, but I would greatly appreciate a bit of support. I post great things about him, and it all goes unnoticed. Of course the second we have a situation arise where it isn't GREAT a majority of you jump on it.

 

 

 

It is tiring and actually pretty hurtful, and you can all say that I put my **** out there so I better be ready for the opinions, but not much is truly helpful, so much doubt in a relationship that I constantly feel blessed to have found with a man who has been such an amazing support.

[kaylan]

You are 22, already been divorced, dating a guy who is in sobriety, moved in together within a few months, he still texts his Exes, follows them on Social Media, you find a sex video of him with his Ex, he just got accepted to a study program in France and leaving in August (which you knew could / would probably happen).

 

Are you just living it up and having fun in your 20s or do you actually expect this to go somewhere?

Yupp. Red flags galore.

 

With all this going on, I cant see the relationship surviving the going abroad studying. Sure some relationships do survive it, but when I was in college, most people stayed single, or went on breaks if they were attached, before going on their trips.

 

And I was friends with plenty of exchange students due to my major...and I knew a few of them who did step out on their bf/gf who were all the way back home in their home country.

I don't really feel like explaining everything but from the get go I accepted him speaking with exes. It wouldn't be fair of me to jump on his back about them all when he made it clear he believes in being friends with them since the get go.

 

I'm not worried, I spoke my piece and he eased my mind. I understand the contact with her, I truly do, I wouldn't because I have never been one to keeP in touch with any exes but he made sense in what he said. She has a boyfriend and I do not doubt his love for me, It was never a question of him being trust worthy, but my own uneasyness with the situation and how to handle it.

 

He just made me feel better which is what I wanted. I would not break up with him for a text message when there is no doubt that I am who he wants to be with. My feelings were just hurt.

Ive been where you are hun. Its not just your own uneasiness. Its your gut telling you what is and isnt ok, and its your gut telling you how youve seen relationships with exes turn out for others.

 

Dont ignore the red flags. Seems you are doing that and making excuses for this guy. But dont ignore what YOU want. Ive been where you are...totally blinded by the honeymoon phase. But when I got smacked down later, I smacked myself for not listening to my gut.

 

Again, find exactly what YOU want, and what makes YOU comfortable. After dealing with ex drama in the past, I told myself never again. Ex contact is a very strict deal breaker for me, and Im glad I stick by that now. Why should I have to compromise on that and make myself unhappy? If I love a girl, and she loves me, we leave past lovers in the past completely. Why should any other boy or girl matter when we now have each other?

 

Do let me be able to say "I told you so" in the future. Im thinking this guys feeling he can get away with some things and that youll just put up with it. Plenty of girls woulda dumped him by now.

Edited March 21, 2013 by kaylan

[xxoo]

Miss Jacklyn, like I've said before, live in the now and enjoy what you have. It may last, it may not, but that is true for ANY couple in the first year or so of dating. So far, you two seem more solid than most. I define solid by quality of relationship dynamics (connection, communication, compatibility, etc)--not a checklist of life achievements.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yupp. Red flags galore.

 

With all this going on, I cant see the relationship surviving the going abroad studying. Sure some relationships do survive it, but when I was in college, most people stayed single, or went on breaks if they were attached, before going on their trips.

 

And I was friends with plenty of exchange students due to my major...and I knew a few of them who did step out on their bf/gf who were all the way back home in their home country.

 

Oh gosh kaylan...

My boyfriend is not some 22 year old guy going to study abroad and party it up.

He is a recovering alcoholic. He will be in sober housing, and believe it or not, he is settled, he is turning 32, he is doing this because he is a french major, and purely because of schooling purposes. It is an intense program he got into, and in his free time he will be spending it doing everything BUT partying.

 

 

 

I am not worried at all about making it work, so why are you?

He wants to be with me, we actually see a future together! *shocker!*

If he was some young gun who was going there to party in France, it probably wouldn't work, but that isn't him and it is exactly why I AM with him.

[kaylan]

That makes sense, given that you're not a man. I was speaking strictly of the BF and men in general, and especially men who choose to keep that kind of pornography on their personal computers. It's easy to fein contrition with a backup in hand. This is a man who 'has had a lot of relationships' so is very experienced with women and how to 'handle' them. The OP related such herself as she shared that he made her 'feel better' and she considers the matter apparently resolved. That it occurred so quickly and with so little rancor is testament to his skill. Kudos to him. Good show.

And people wonder why we all warn younger folks about the experience of younger folks. Im 26, but I know for a fact that a woman who was even just 30 to 33 could run circles around me. Shes probably had a career for a long time, more relationships than me, and more life experiences because shes had money from her career to go do things.

 

The circles around me would get even worse if the woman was close to or over 40. I do think to go after older women from time to time...but just for a fun fling. Realistically I know the relationship wouldnt much work...and I wouldnt wanna feel like the kid in the relationship. Though its kinda hot to be a boy toy.

[kaylan]

Oh gosh kaylan...

My boyfriend is not some 22 year old guy going to study abroad and party it up.

He is a recovering alcoholic. He will be in sober housing, and believe it or not, he is settled, he is turning 32, he is doing this because he is a french major, and purely because of schooling purposes. It is an intense program he got into, and in his free time he will be spending it doing everything BUT partying.

Honey, you still dont know this man. I said it to you before but you refuse to listen. If I had said something to you about a sex tape 2 weeks ago, youd have hardcore defended him...and now look what happens? I see more drama coming and you refuse to notice the flags.

 

I dont care about this guy not being 22. Hes shown you that at 32 his age doesnt dictate where he should be in life. I knew older guys and gals who were studying abroad...and they lived it up too, though not as hard as the younger people. You think this guy wouldnt be susceptible to the charm of a sexy, charismatic French woman who just wants to show him around?

 

If he can do what hes doing regarding exes, even if hes not a partier, I could see him getting chummy with new exotic women.

I am not worried at all about making it work, so why are you?

He wants to be with me, we actually see a future together! *shocker!*

If he was some young gun who was going there to party in France, it probably wouldn't work, but that isn't him and it is exactly why I AM with him.

The naivety of youth. We told you so...but you dont listen at all. You are worried about making it work...thats why you post on this forum.

 

You just dont ever wanna here any opinions that dont say "everything is gonna be alright". Im not Bob Marley.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Dont ignore the red flags. Seems you are doing that and making excuses for this guy. But dont ignore what YOU want. Ive been where you are...totally blinded by the honeymoon phase. But when I got smacked down later, I smacked myself for not listening to my gut.

 

Again, find exactly what YOU want, and what makes YOU comfortable. After dealing with ex drama in the past, I told myself never again. Ex contact is a very strict deal breaker for me, and Im glad I stick by that now. Why should I have to compromise on that and make myself unhappy? If I love a girl, and she loves me, we leave past lovers in the past completely. Why should any other boy or girl matter when we now have each other?

 

Do let me be able to say "I told you so" in the future. Im thinking this guys feeling he can get away with some things and that youll just put up with it. Plenty of girls woulda dumped him by now.

 

 

See, that's the thing though... I am not YOU.

I had the same problems, but I trust him, and you know what, he has never given me a reason not to. For once, I am going to trust someone, and if god forbid something happens guess what? His ****ing loss.

 

 

He hasn't though, he makes me feel like an amazing woman, and he constantly makes me feel like I am the ONLY woman he needs. He just happens to keep in contact [when I say contact, don't twist my words, I am talking MAYBE a text every month or so, nothing more than a "how is sobriety treating you?" sort of thing] with women who he dated, and the funny thing is, no one asked me if I had met any of them. A majority I HAVE. A lot of them are from YEARS ago, women who are married, engaged, have families... I have never been worried, he has always been honest about who he talks to, a red flag came up because for one, I felt pretty insecure at that point... I mean I watched a sex video, that sucks for me, can hurt a womans ego no matter HOW long ago it was.

 

 

I am not compromising, I am in a healthy relationship where communication is open and when one of us starts to feel uneasy about something we discuss it and help ease it.

 

 

I am sick of explaining, he talks to his exs, guess what? I am ok with it, him and I alone know the reasons behind it, and it really shouldn't matter to any of you. Don't want an SO who does? Great, don't be with one, but I am just fine with my man doing so, as long as we remain open with one another and he DOESN'T break that trust... I will be supportive of him maintaining those relationships.

[TouchedByViolet]

MJ, as long as your BF is honest, communicating and caring to your needs I wouldn't worry about all the negativity in this thread. Some of the posters are extrapolating rather far with the information given and making assumptions based on what they want.

 

Just make sure to keep yourself as the number 1 priority and be honest.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Honey, you still dont know this man. I said it to you before but you refuse to listen. If I had said something to you about a sex tape 2 weeks ago, youd have hardcore defended him...and now look what happens? I see more drama coming and you refuse to notice the flags.

 

I dont care about this guy not being 22. Hes shown you that at 32 his age doesnt dictate where he should be in life. I knew older guys and gals who were studying abroad...and they lived it up too, though not as hard as the younger people. You think this guy wouldnt be susceptible to the charm of a sexy, charismatic French woman who just wants to show him around?

 

If he can do what hes doing regarding exes, even if hes not a partier, I could see him getting chummy with new exotic women.

 

The naivety of youth. We told you so...but you dont listen at all. You are worried about making it work...thats why you post on this forum.

 

You just dont ever wanna here any opinions that dont say "everything is gonna be alright". Im not Bob Marley.

 

You know, I used to appreciate your posts, but now... I would say you are one bitter man. I am sorry if women have screwed you over or you don't believe in relationships... but it seems to me that you deal with insecurity more than I do.

 

 

Worry about an exotic woman? No... not really.

Hate to break it to you, but not all men are *******s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And btw, if you are jealous of the fact that he is with me and not you... you could just say it instead of bounding into my threads and trying to come up with every reason why we are just so "wrong" together.

[kaylan]

See, that's the thing though... I am not YOU.

I had the same problems, but I trust him, and you know what, he has never given me a reason not to. For once, I am going to trust someone, and if god forbid something happens guess what? His ****ing loss.

 

 

He hasn't though, he makes me feel like an amazing woman, and he constantly makes me feel like I am the ONLY woman he needs. He just happens to keep in contact [when I say contact, don't twist my words, I am talking MAYBE a text every month or so, nothing more than a "how is sobriety treating you?" sort of thing] with women who he dated, and the funny thing is, no one asked me if I had met any of them. A majority I HAVE. A lot of them are from YEARS ago, women who are married, engaged, have families... I have never been worried, he has always been honest about who he talks to, a red flag came up because for one, I felt pretty insecure at that point... I mean I watched a sex video, that sucks for me, can hurt a womans ego no matter HOW long ago it was.

 

 

I am not compromising, I am in a healthy relationship where communication is open and when one of us starts to feel uneasy about something we discuss it and help ease it.

 

 

I am sick of explaining, he talks to his exs, guess what? I am ok with it, him and I alone know the reasons behind it, and it really shouldn't matter to any of you. Don't want an SO who does? Great, don't be with one, but I am just fine with my man doing so, as long as we remain open with one another and he DOESN'T break that trust... I will be supportive of him maintaining those relationships.

Sit in your denial of the red flags that exist.

 

You get all upset whenever we warn you about this stuff, but youre so quick to sing this mans praises and sing the praises of those who agree with you.

 

Wake up and small the java.

 

PS - If I really loved a girl, I wouldnt have any problem with her cats moving in with me too. Pets are like children to some people...and as a cat lover myself...I couldnt see telling a chick no.

[MrCastle]

Jaclyn, you said that moving in was a smart move because you weren't using your apartment. But what if something happens suddenly and you break up? Then what?

 

I know you think your relationship is different, and you're more mature than nost women your age, and all that stuff--doesn't mean you are not vulnerable to the same pitfalls relationships fall into.

 

You make a new thread every week or so with a new adventure in your relationship asking advice on how to handle it. In my opinion this is because you are trying to rationalize your gut feelings or any other feelings of uncertainty you feel you may have. You only accept posts that tell you to keep doing what you're doing and ignore any posts that go against the decision you've already made up in your mind.

 

I'm not here to say I told you so or wish problems for you and your man in anyway. I do think though that you are going into this entire situation way too fast and there are problems that can arise as a result.

 

I get it. I'm in my 20's, I get the whole "our situation is different, you don't know us, we have it figured out", the world is against us mentality. But a lot of the people giving you advice are elders who have been there, done that.

 

It could serve you well to at least listen to some of their advice with an objective ear.

 

Just because their ideas/beliefs/advice may disagree with you what you believe, doesn't make them wrong, or make them "haters", or people out to get you.

[miss_jaclynrae]

 

PS - If I really loved a girl, I wouldnt have any problem with her cats moving in with me too. Pets are like children to some people...and as a cat lover myself...I couldnt see telling a chick no.

 

Ahhhh... and there you go again acting like a professional on my life.