Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Agree with carhill and the other prudes. 2009 would be enough in the past if they hadn't lived together. Can't come up with a rule of thumb, but maybe if it amounts to only a text or two every few months, eh. If it's weekly or biweekly, that's a bit too much IMO. Good luck. Texting isnt very frequent. A few every month? How old is that computer? It's 2013 now, many people habitually change their PC/laptop once every couple of years. If they broke up in 2009, what are the odds that he transferred the file from an older model to the current one? Meaning, was he looking after that footage on purpose rather have it on his computer by accident? Accident. The computer is old and he has a **** ton of old stuff on it.
tuxedo cat Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is why it's a good idea to get to know somebody before moving in with them. 2
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Sex tape hadn't been watched in years. The contact isn't much, he offered to show me and I declIned. The sex tape thing happened a week ago, the reason why it's an issue now? I finally pieces it all together. I knew about the ex, I did not however realize that he was still in touch with her, that she was the sex video one, and that she was the only serious relationship he has had. He thinks it's admirable he keeps in touch with his exes, calls them Frieds, but he honestly doesn't talk to them much. I honwstly don't mind the others, but this one... It just sucks.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 This is why it's a good idea to get to know somebody before moving in with them. This isn't very helpful and doesn't have much to do with this. I already knew all of the information.
carhill Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 OP, has he made any sex videos of the two of you or has his style changed in that regard? Also, what do you mean when you say 'he follows her on instagram'? Lastly, when you speak of him having 'quite a few relationships', can you put a number to that? Also, what are 'relationships' in this context? Like what you and he have right now or ??? FWIW, I don't think you're being 'crazy', rather working through this surprising and somewhat upsetting piece of his relationship history you found/observed; a graphic piece, for most people anyway. Has he overtly expressed interest in swinging or threesomes?
ltjg45 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is why I'm not in approval of sex tapes of any kind to be made until after marriage.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 OP, has he made any sex videos of the two of you or has his style changed in that regard? Also, what do you mean when you say 'he follows her on instagram'? Lastly, when you speak of him having 'quite a few relationships', can you put a number to that? Also, what are 'relationships' in this context? Like what you and he have right now or ??? FWIW, I don't think you're being 'crazy', rather working through this surprising and somewhat upsetting piece of his relationship history you found/observed; a graphic piece, for most people anyway. Has he overtly expressed interest in swinging or threesomes? No not at all to any of the questions. We talked about the tape, it was back when he was an alcoholic still, and his sexual ways are very different now due o that. Never shown an interest in anything else.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Sex tape hadn't been watched in years. The contact isn't much, he offered to show me and I declIned. The sex tape thing happened a week ago, the reason why it's an issue now? I finally pieces it all together. I knew about the ex, I did not however realize that he was still in touch with her, that she was the sex video one, and that she was the only serious relationship he has had. He thinks it's admirable he keeps in touch with his exes, calls them Frieds, but he honestly doesn't talk to them much. I honwstly don't mind the others, but this one... It just sucks. Someone else said it, but "burned into your mind" is it. That image. For example, I know my fiancé had sex with his exes. I just don't need to see it. Now, as far as keeping a lot of stuff around on a hard drive, I'm really guilty about keeping stuff clean. So, if it were me, the one thing I would have liked to have heard was the "oh damn, I forgot all about that. Sorry". Don't make a big deal of it, but delete it without a second thought. You've had no other reason to mistrust him in two years? I'd do my best to move on and put it behind you. I'll admit his continued contact with her would bother me, now that that image is burned into my brain. Note to self: go home and clean backup drive.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is why I'm not in approval of sex tapes of any kind to be made until after marriage. You mean like Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee? 4
ltjg45 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I know many here will be jumping against me... but when I date a woman her past relationships needs to remind there ... in the past. I would not be ok with my gf having an ongoing friendly relationship with any of her ex's. I don't blame you for it. My prior "relationship", if you want to call it that? Erased from memory. The only thing left from it is the few pieces of clothing that I can't wear at all that she gave me and a picture of her on this computer. I should just delete it now since I'm way over her. With that said, I don't want to know about your previous mates unless I have to know.
ltjg45 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 You mean like Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee? I have no clue who those 2 people are so I can't comment on that.
2sure Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Who cares if he was a little pouty when he deleted it - he deleted it because you wanted him to and thats good enough. Now, given how long ago it was and that you have been happy with this guy (if you otherwise are) ..to me - its just a video. Guys love to wantch themselves have sex on videos. Im betting he didnt keep it because SHE was in it, but because HE was. So, I wouldnt mind that much. But : I have a very very bad track record of not minding red flags until Im about to go over the cliff. You want to keep that in mind.
clia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I have no clue who those 2 people are so I can't comment on that. Suddenly I feel very old. 4
carhill Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Regarding the apparent reaction while deleting the video, IME most guys worth their porn salt have backup in depth. I don't know that I'd read too much into that particular reaction, but would examine the consistent, if infrequent, contact with past sexual partners for aspects of compatibility. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Regarding the apparent reaction while deleting the video, IME most guys worth their porn salt have backup in depth. I don't know that I'd read too much into that particular reaction, but would examine the consistent, if infrequent, contact with past sexual partners for aspects of compatibility. I guess this is where I disagree. If my BF found sex video with me and another dude I'd be absolutely MORTIFIED. And I'm pretty liberal when it comes to sex. 2
veggirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 How did you find these videos? I mean I assume they aren't saved to his desktop or something right? I totally understand feeling unsettled at seeing that. Who wouldn't be. That is natural and will pass, what I'd be concerned with is the resentment you felt when he deleted it/them. That's very troubling. Also what is the point of "a few texts a month"? What do they text about? That is more than just checking in now and then with a "how ya been?" The reaction and texting are what would continue bothering me. Why didn't he want to delete it if he doesn't watch it. Weird.
SJC2008 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I skipped ahead so my post may be redundant. Relationships should be built on trust and respect. This is a lack of respect, which will hurt trust. He needs to move on. BTW don't make a sex tape with him unless you want to. Don't do it out of jealousy. 1
TheGuard13 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) I must be totally missing something. Before OP found the video, she presumably trusted him, knew he'd had a two year relationship with this woman, knew he'd lived with her, and knew he still kept in touch with her. So why does finding the video change any of that? Is it shocking to find out that he had sex with a woman he had a two year relationship with? This. I don't see what this has to do with trust and respect, other than you possibly not trusting him because he's still in contact with a woman he once had sex with. I don't really understand why you would make him delete the video, either. What, that will erase his memories of what sex with this woman was like? I can't think of a better way to breed resentment in some men. Nor, if I were him, and had bothered to keep this tape, would I have done so (without making a backup). It's a sex tape. Men don't usually keep them just to have them. Well, except for the ones in Patrick's closet. Edited March 20, 2013 by TheGuard13
xpaperxcutx Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Can men and women really be friends? Especially exes? Call me the jealous type but as much as a guy wants to be friends with his exes, i would actually have a problem if they were in constant contact all the time. It's even worse if they have a long history and I end up finding a sex time of the two of them together. This is not something I tolerate and I would his boundaries. 3
TheGuard13 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Of course they can. Just because there is attraction there doesn't mean they have to act on it.
SJC2008 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Why are they still in contact if they broke up in 2009? He needs to explain this to you. You need to set some boundaries? The only reason's I would alow contact with an ex would be that they have kids or were friends from childhood and are still friends, and you can bet there would be some ground rules for the latter.
kaylan Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) I'll make this short. Found a home made sex video on his computer, it's the bedroom one that we use to watch movies. I was upset but totally aware that sometimes **** like that lingers around. Today he brought her up, the one who was in the video. My man has had quite a few relationships, and most of the women he is in some form of contact with. I always knew about her, but I then realized that she was the one person he had a serious relationship with as well as had these sex videos with and I am very uncomfortable with the idea that they are still in contact. I guess they text every now and then and he follows her on instagram... Am I letting my insecurity get the best of me or am I somewhat justified in not being ok with it? And so it begins... Did I not say that living together would present new issues. Now youre able to find things on his pc you dont like. Personally, any form of ex contact, or keeping certain mementos from an ex, are dealbreakers for me. Exes cause too many problems in new relationships for me to ever think its ok for a girl to still be friends with one, outside of the occasional "hi and bye" if they run into one another. But I dont tolerate text, 1 on 1 hang outs, or following in social media. How about moving on from the past? Out of respect for a new love interest, and in order to limit drama, I always stop talking to former lovers. Hell, I mostly do it so I can move on myself. The fact that he still has a sex tape and talks to this person throws up red flags. If he respects you or cares about your feelings at all, he will delete it right away. And tell me...why would you go looking for, or watch personal videos like that which are on his pc? Edited March 20, 2013 by kaylan 5
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 He got home from class and we talked.It went well, I told him how it made me feel, and he reassured me that the contact is not nearly enough to be worried about. The most they talk about is a texts twice a month or so to see how sobriety and one another's life is going. He told me he wouldn't cut contact, why? Because he doesn't have many people in his life to begin with, and there really is no need to cut her out. I feelb bad for him in a way, he had lost many friends Over the years due to his sobriety and I think he gets some relief from the few people he is in contact with. He told me that when we get married, sure, inappropriate, and he will fully respect the fact that I am uncomfortable with it, but for now, I have nothing to worry about and that there is a reason he is with me. He apologized about the video and said that the situation isn't ideal but to understand that the relationship ended years ago and he honestly had forgotten about it. I definitely feel better about it, i just know personally I have never been one to keep in touch with my exes. 1
Divasu Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Ouch that's tough. Something similar happened to me YEARS ago, I found a video tape and there was some stuff on it that disturbed me. The women in it weren't exes, I believe, but a couple of chicks him and his friends met while on Spring Break. You may as well have gouged my eyes out. I think the subject of keeping in touch with exes while in a relationship is a tricky subject. For one, I think doing so can breed an environment consisting of doubts and insecurity. On the other hand, people are in fact friends with their ex's and it doesn't cause any problems within their current relationship. It really depends on the individuals involved.
veggirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 How does he not have enough other people in his life? You already said he has lots of exes and is friends with all of them!! Plus doesn't he have a large network due to AA and whatnot? Only guy I ever knew who was in that kinda program had a large support network because of it. Anyway I think it's funny he is the one telling you there is nothing to worry about. Like, easy for him to say. I don't know, different strokes and all that but if my bf felt the need to "check in" with his serious ex, we'd have a SERIOUS problem. 2
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