miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'll make this short. Found a home made sex video on his computer, it's the bedroom one that we use to watch movies. I was upset but totally aware that sometimes **** like that lingers around. Today he brought her up, the one who was in the video. My man has had quite a few relationships, and most of the women he is in some form of contact with. I always knew about her, but I then realized that she was the one person he had a serious relationship with as well as had these sex videos with and I am very uncomfortable with the idea that they are still in contact. I guess they text every now and then and he follows her on instagram... Am I letting my insecurity get the best of me or am I somewhat justified in not being ok with it?
Keenly Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'll make this short. Found a home made sex video on his computer, it's the bedroom one that we use to watch movies. I was upset but totally aware that sometimes **** like that lingers around. Today he brought her up, the one who was in the video. My man has had quite a few relationships, and most of the women he is in some form of contact with. I always knew about her, but I then realized that she was the one person he had a serious relationship with as well as had these sex videos with and I am very uncomfortable with the idea that they are still in contact. I guess they text every now and then and he follows her on instagram... Am I letting my insecurity get the best of me or am I somewhat justified in not being ok with it? yes you are thinking way too far into it. If your man has always been good to you, and he makes you feel like you are number 1, then whats the problem? there is no need to let petty jealousy get in the way of this, and its only because you found a video left over from the past. Its not like they had sex yesterday, it was a long time ago. Tell him (if he knows that you know about it) that you two are going to make a video to put that one to shame, a way better one. confidence will attract more than jealousy and insecurity.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 yes you are thinking way too far into it. If your man has always been good to you, and he makes you feel like you are number 1, then whats the problem? there is no need to let petty jealousy get in the way of this, and its only because you found a video left over from the past. Its not like they had sex yesterday, it was a long time ago. Tell him (if he knows that you know about it) that you two are going to make a video to put that one to shame, a way better one. confidence will attract more than jealousy and insecurity. Yeah. I was afraid of that... I am being crazy. Lol Why did they break up and how long has it been? No idea why, I'm pretty sure it had to do with them both being alcoholics. They broke up in like 2009. We're together for 2 years and she is the only other woman he has ever lived with.
tman666 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I wouldn't be ok with this at all (if the roles were reversed). I don't think maintaining contact with former sex partners/significant others is appropriate when one is in a committed relationship. If you guys were just dating semi-casually, then this would be different, but if there is an understanding between you guys that you are exclusive, I would put my foot down. Regarding the video, I think if he deleted it and made an effort to show you that it was no longer important to him to have, you're probably in the clear. Again, the biggest thing that makes me go "whaaaa??" is not the video, but that he maintains some level of contact with her. Just my opinion. Full disclosure: I tend to lean more on the conservative side of things in relationships, so take this for what you will. 11
Emilia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Found a home made sex video on his computer, it's the bedroom one that we use to watch movies. I was upset but totally aware that sometimes **** like that lingers around. Today he brought her up, the one who was in the video. My man has had quite a few relationships, and most of the women he is in some form of contact with. I always knew about her, but I then realized that she was the one person he had a serious relationship with as well as had these sex videos with and I am very uncomfortable with the idea that they are still in contact. I guess they text every now and then and he follows her on instagram... Am I letting my insecurity get the best of me or am I somewhat justified in not being ok with it? Yeah, he is not over her by a long chalk 2
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I wouldn't be ok with this at all (if the roles were reversed). I don't think maintaining contact with former sex partners/significant others is appropriate when one is in a committed relationship. If you guys were just dating semi-casually, then this would be different, but if there is an understanding between you guys that you are exclusive, I would put my foot down. Regarding the video, I think if he deleted it and made an effort to show you that it was no longer important to him to have, you're probably in the clear. Again, the biggest thing that makes me go "whaaaa??" is not the video, but that he maintains some level of contact with her. Just my opinion. Full disclosure: I tend to lean more on the conservative side of things in relationships, so take this for what you will. Yes, he deleted the videos. But, I did feel a sense of resentment, as of he was doing it just to please me. I can't exactly know for sure though. I tend to not keep in contact with anyone I dated, so adjusting to being with a man who keeps in touch with a majority of his has been something I have had to work on. I'm fine with the ones who he just dated briefly and thing never got too serious, but with her it just makes my sirens go off. I have no inkling at all that there is anything romantic nor that anything romantic could spur from it... It just hurts my feelings I guess.
carhill Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 So I'm clear, BF has a sex video of a former sexual partner of his on the computer in your bedroom? He made this video and appears in it with her? They had a serious relationship? They remain in contact? Call me an old prude but I can't think of the most liberal of women I've been with allowing that kind of dynamic. The computer would be in the pool and I'd be sleeping in the RV. But, then again, I'm not young and liberal. Perhaps this sort of thing is normal now. Hope he's worth it. Good luck. 19
clia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 They broke up in 2009? Ancient history, in my opinion, unless you have reason to believe he is still hooked on her. If you trust him, it shouldn't be an issue.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I have no idea how to approach this.
tman666 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I have no inkling at all that there is anything romantic nor that anything romantic could spur from it... It just hurts my feelings I guess. Well sure, when things are going well between you two. But what happens if/when (if you're together long enough, this will happen from time to time) sh*t hits the fan? If he is actively "keeping his options open", it's a clear sign that he's not viewing this the same way you are. 2
tman666 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 And before anyone suggests it, I'm not advocating keeping significant others under "lock and key", so to speak. I just think that there needs to be open and clear communication between two people about what their expectations are of each other and the relationship. 3
dasein Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Agree with carhill and the other prudes. 2009 would be enough in the past if they hadn't lived together. Can't come up with a rule of thumb, but maybe if it amounts to only a text or two every few months, eh. If it's weekly or biweekly, that's a bit too much IMO. Good luck.
Emilia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I have no idea how to approach this. How old is that computer? It's 2013 now, many people habitually change their PC/laptop once every couple of years. If they broke up in 2009, what are the odds that he transferred the file from an older model to the current one? Meaning, was he looking after that footage on purpose rather have it on his computer by accident? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is really bad news. I would not be OK with this at all. 3
clia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I must be totally missing something. Before OP found the video, she presumably trusted him, knew he'd had a two year relationship with this woman, knew he'd lived with her, and knew he still kept in touch with her. So why does finding the video change any of that? Is it shocking to find out that he had sex with a woman he had a two year relationship with? If she trusts him, finding the video shouldn't change anything. He hasn't changed what he's doing at all and he deleted the video at her request. (FWIW, when I get a new laptop, I just move everything over without looking at everything to figure out what it is. It is possible he had forgotten it was even on there.) 3
Emilia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 The thing is, thinking about this a bit more: a footage with an ex isn't something I'd forget having on my comp 3
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I must be totally missing something. Before OP found the video, she presumably trusted him, knew he'd had a two year relationship with this woman, knew he'd lived with her, and knew he still kept in touch with her. So why does finding the video change any of that? Is it shocking to find out that he had sex with a woman he had a two year relationship with? If she trusts him, finding the video shouldn't change anything. He hasn't changed what he's doing at all and he deleted the video at her request. (FWIW, when I get a new laptop, I just move everything over without looking at everything to figure out what it is. It is possible he had forgotten it was even on there.) I'm with clia on this one. I think what would bother me the most now, though, is that I saw my bf having sex with another woman and that image would be burned in my mind. Not really cool that you sensed some resentment when he deleted it though. That would bother me too. He should have been - "Oh crap! I TOTALLY forgot this was on there. Let's get rid of it!"
xxoo Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I have no idea how to approach this. "I feel _____________________. I'm concerned about _________________. I need to understand ___________________ better." Keep the conversation open. You don't need to get all the answers and understanding today, but keep it open until you have a sense of peace about it. If you don't get that sense of peace, listen to your gut! 3
Treasa Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Not really cool that you sensed some resentment when he deleted it though. That would bother me too. He should have been - "Oh crap! I TOTALLY forgot this was on there. Let's get rid of it!" This. And the fact that he randomly brings her up. 1
dasein Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 So why does finding the video change any of that? Is it shocking to find out that he had sex with a woman he had a two year relationship with? I think it could raise questions as to "is he still watching sex tapes of a past live-in relationship who he is in regular contact with and brings up regularly?" Would hinge on how much contact is ongoing and how often he talks about her, not so much the mere existence of the tape IMO. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Alcoholic, Has alcholic ex-GF he lived with, Still in regular contact with said ex-GF, Brings up said ex-GF all the time, Still has sex video of said ex-GF, Appears resentful at having to delete said video, And... Moved VERY FAST in current relationship; moved in current GF straight away (who was (still is) financially dependent on him with no job). Bad bad combo, IMO. 2
KungFuJoe Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Op, There is no right or wrong here. You're not crazy, either. I keep in contact with two of my exes on Facebook and even one I casually dated. Just a few months ago I went to Disneyland with my very first gf (we brought our kids). I think the fact that he is still friends with his exes is not necessarily a bad thing. It shows that he didn't screw them over and is probably a nice guy. I know it sucked finding the video, but if it means anything I recently came across an old nude photo of my gf I had taken with a Polaroid type camera from over a decade ago and I had no idea I still had it. I promptly trashed it of course. But sometimes you forget about stuff you had and never think of cleaning up. 2
clia Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I think it could raise questions as to "is he still watching sex tapes of a past live-in relationship who he is in regular contact with and brings up regularly?" Would hinge on how much contact is ongoing and how often he talks about her, not so much the mere existence of the tape IMO. I did not even think of this! (See how trusting I am...) I wonder if she saw when it was last viewed?
dasein Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (See how trusting I am...) Well that's probably better than being a perpetual cynic like me.
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