Shocker: he just wants to be friends

[neonbible]

first legitimate post but been lurking in the shadows on here for a good couple of years.

so here goes.

 

started chatting to this boy on a hook-up site last december. i was with someone else at the time (i know what you're thinking) but had been keeping my eyes open for over a year. that relationship had been in a lull for what now seems an eternity partly due to a false, cynical sense of comfort - but mostly due to logistics. we had been living together for a good few years which naturally subdues many financial (and other) issues. it was a cowardly thing to do, letting that relationship drag on for as long as i/we did and i suppose i needed a good kick to terminally shake it off.

so it happened. i met this boy. it's not like i just needed an excuse to get out of my ongoing relationship. we met up for lunch and it immediately felt like i need this person in my life in one form or another. i know this because i'd been entertaining the possibility of other encounters before - and not once did someone catch me so off-guard.

the rhythm we were creating between us drew us up in this excitement which neither of us expected. within a time frame of one and a half week, we met up every other day. long walks, endless conversations, developing inside jokes.. all that hella good stuff. sex wasn't even a factor. nothing physical happened. we were becoming best friends and we vocalised it. it was all such a rush of excitement and it quickly started feeling bittersweet for me because i had unfinished business to attend to. i didn't tell him. it felt too early to lay everything out there and i felt like in all fairness i needed to sort stuff out before third-party emotions become involved. the whole thing was just so overdue.

so it was probably a good thing i had booked a christmas/nye holiday to see my best friend in new york later that month. a perfect opportunity to let emotions breathe.

to be omnipresently fair, i told the new kid i'm leaving earlier than i really did (i had mentioned the new york thing to him on our first date) because i felt like the best thing to do is really just hide away for a while till i figure out things with my boyfriend.

so i did. it didn't come as a shock to him. the feelings had been mutually heaving for a while so emotionally there wasn't much damage control to do and we quite amicably sorted out the mundane, logistical aspects of the break-up.

in the meantime, i kept in touch with the new boy via email every single day.

i was surprised we kept each other's interest up this whole time (i was away for 2 weeks + the one week i couldn't see him because i was doing damage control). i'm experienced and comfortable with myself enough to know that i wasn't just setting someone up to be my comfort blanket. this boy really got to me - his values, the way his mind worked, his taste level. so much in common. and the lack of a physical element made things all the more genuine. he also confided in me that this is the happiest he's been in a long time.

i came back and we resumed on what we had established. it took us 3 weeks until we first kissed. proper butterflies sort of scenario. every slight touch of my fingers on him made him shiver and likewise.

just so real.

but fast forward a month - there has been a withdrawal of sort. he abruptly left after a weekend together at my place (he'd been displaying work-related anxieties for a long time) so i gave him the space. we'd been talking about how he's troubled with the grim outlook of his athletic career. he narrowly missed the mark to qualify for the olympics in competitive running last year and underwent a crucial operation on his tendons soon after from which he hasn't fully recovered from to this day. this has been a major existential concern for him. so i figured he needs to take his time and re-evaluate his attack plan professionally. the daily schedule of an athlete is off-standard to begin with, very restrictive sleep, training and food patterns and to add to that, he is supporting himself with freelance design work. so naturally he's a busy kid. we'd been working around it this whole time and even though we were so happy in each other's company, i am selfish and driven enough to relate to his concerns. i understand the importance of putting your work and ambitions first. especially if there's some agitation involved - these things need to be dealt with exclusively and urgently.

so i didn't make a huge deal out of the hibernation. i didn't want to intrude.

i emailed to him later that day, saying that i'm around if he needs me and also maintained subtly that i don't want him to feel pressurised at all. that he shouldn't factor me in as an argument in his decision-making at this point because one of the things that made me fall for him in the first place was his passion and drive. we resumed a relaxed email exchange later that day and i invited him over to talk if he wants to. he agreed. but neither of us realised how late it was already so we decided to postpone because he needed his sleep.

we met the following day to talk but not many words were externalised that day. we just stayed wrapped in each others embrace for hours and it felt so abstracted (no sex). i fell for him in that moment. we both trembled and i could tell his eyes were moist. he repeatedly told me how amazing i am and he could die like this. he confided in me a few more career-related issues and i assured him i appreciate his vulnerability. he then vaguely hinted there's something else he needs to say but i didn't inquire.

later that week we shared an amazing valentine's cycle together. we were both so happy. then he weirded out again one evening talking about his training - he said he is very tempted to get away from the distractions of city life and move closer to his training centre and give it his all. i supported this notion but wanted him to be sure he's not just feeling uneasy because his current capability is hindered by a slow healing process. he'd been coping fine with playing all across the field, pursuing several interests, until his tendons started acting up again. this really clogged his mind. so i didn't want him to make hazy, circumstance-driven decisions. he said he was just so exhausted so i embraced him to manifest my support and he blew up in tears.

i let him drain himself, i don't think neither of us said a word. i kissed him and told him to do what he needs to do. so i left him in my bed to rest. when he refuelled, he hugged me for a few good minutes with a glazed look and said he's sorry and left.

the following day he sent me this gigantic email stating this is the most special connection he has ever felt and he cares for me deeply and therefore wants to be upfront with some things and has been scared to do so for the risk of losing me from his life. i said im slightly anxious. he told me not to be. so we agreed to meet later that week. we did. we ended up having a light-hearted dinner and it was just too much fun and we were both dodging the bullet i guess.

since then he's intermittently gone into retreat. i should state at this point that we've maintained a steady email correspondence since we met. not a day goes by without a couple of snippets, jokes, exchange of ideas. and this withdrawal period was no different.

this went on for one more week until he came over yesterday and told me he just wants to be friends. i played it cool, saying i need some time before i can hang out again and we caressed for an eternity. i haven't spoken to him since.

 

did he lose interest? can he not commit considering everything he has on his plate? does he genuinely think it's better not to complicate matters by going official (he said it feels too special and he's scared his selfishness at this current time will be a death sentence)?

i'm a bit shell shocked.

 

ideas welcome. show me what you got, loveshack.

[neonbible]

any ideas at all?

[Janesays]

A big ol' wall of text is hard to read. Try to shorten it up and use paragraph breaks if you want people to help.

[carhill]

The read from my quick scan is emotionally unavailable and/or previously involved/committed, kind of like you've been in the year you were ambivalent about your existing relationship but unwilling to give it up and be alone.

 

Being alone can be a good thing.

 

When a man (or woman) speaks words that are perceived to be negative to one's desires, that's their truth. He says he wants to be 'friends'; you want romance. That negative schism in want is the current truth. The future is unknown.

 

If you're not currently completely out of your existing relationship, now's the time. That way, when you meet someone new, everything will be more clear. Perhaps this guy will change his mind in the future. Who knows? Good luck and welcome to LS