abeezy Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 so a few weeks ago i broke up with my ex and started to accept that he didnt want me back anymore until he texted me one day out of the blue and i let him come over and we got back together... well its only been a week and a half im already feeling it was a bad idea. last week he was texting me everyday and asking to hang out and stuff. well this week nothing. no texts or calls just nothing. its wednesday! i texted him monday and got a reply but nothing after i responded back to him . im feeling like maybe hes regretting it and wants me to dump him again. or maybe wants me to put in some effort but when i do like i did on monday he seemed to not want to talk to me so i dont bother anymore. anways we hung out the whole weekend at his moms house watching movies and after awhile he seemed kinda bored with me a bit but never was on his phone or anything but was the one that asked me to hang out with him and i thought things were going well and that it was nice of him to ask me since im currently im having a few health issues i cant go out drinking.. which btw my bf likes to go out and drink alot. but as the days go by im left wondering why he would take me back if he doesnt want to put any effort in to try n make it work.. i understand he could be busy but a text takes 2 secs to send. im not asking for long conversations just a hey or whatever. should i just give him the boot or wait til he says anything to me? i mean a day without talking isnt too much but that was our main issue before was communication. hope that wasnt too confusing. we are in our mid 20s btw haha.
Author abeezy Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 well there was a few like we didnt have good communcation, i was feeling he was maybe emotionally cheating on me on fb with some girl, he always would say how much im not putting in effort like he is.( like texting him first or asking him to go out and be with him ect ) i have been working on those btw. we are both kinda shy.
geegirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Why were you feeling he was emotionally cheating? You are not providing enough information as to why things fell apart. If communication was an issue then, seems like it's becoming an issue again.
Author abeezy Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 sorry i said it was cheating i cant accuse him of it since i never found it to be true i guess going with my gut feeling.. i was feeling a bit jealous that he added this girl on face book and was liking her photos on fb and making it seem like they were hanging out cause she was commenting on his posts and stuff a bit which just made me assume.. cause all of a sudden he was hanging out with me less and making excuses not to come over. so thats why i said that. and yes communication was a main issue we cant really talk to eachother like i always have to say things first for him to open up to me. we will be sitting around and he will stare at me and i will ask him what then he just says nothing when he clearly wants to say something. and jealousy was a issue more for him then me he often accused me of maybe cheating on him or not liking him cause im very reserved i dont show things i guess. thing is he was cheated on before. and we did have a talk when we got back together about this stuff. and in texts while we were broke up. so things have gone back to the same stuff again
geegirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I think the best way for you to get around this is to communicate with him. Let him know that if the two of you want to work at this again, there has to be ways to bridge that gap that once separated the two of you. Discuss each other's needs when it comes to communication. Tell him it's going to take effort and work to build. If he can't even send you a text in three days, then what is he willing to put forth to make it work? Time for a talk.
Author abeezy Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 yeah i think il try that approach. thanks and do you think i should wait til he texts me or gets back to me or send him one? even tho it seems he might be avoiding me.
geegirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 yeah i think il try that approach. thanks and do you think i should wait til he texts me or gets back to me or send him one? even tho it seems he might be avoiding me. Don't put your life on hold. Ask to meet and talk. The fact that you feel he is avoiding you is already a telltale sign. If he wants the relationship, he'll be open to meeting and doing whatever it takes. If he does not want the relationship, he'll avoid and most likely make excuses about meeting.
OwlSoul Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) The same story happened to me. I'll suggest an alternative way. I think the best way for you to get around this is to communicate with him. Let him know that if the two of you want to work at this again, there has to be ways to bridge that gap that once separated the two of you. On other hand, it might be a bad idea. Communication and problem solving is good when the relationship is good and both partners are interested. Some would say, if she'll go to him and ask to work over it he might feel trapped and etc. i was feeling he was maybe emotionally cheating on me on fb with some girl, he always would say how much im not putting in effort like he is. It could also be that he is feeling guilty about losing feelings, so he's trying to blame someone. I've heard an advise, that if you're feeling he is getting distanced, distance yourself. By distancing I mean being indifferent, rather than angry and agressive. Maybe this will work. Edited March 20, 2013 by OwlSoul
geegirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) "On other hand, it might be a bad idea. Communication and problem solving is good when the relationship is good and both partners are interested. Some would say, if she'll go to him and ask to work over it he might feel trapped and etc." But they decided to reconcile, and if the issues, (I believe communication was one of them) that parted them the first time are not addressed the second go around, then what is the point in getting back together again? If he feels trapped by a simple request to work on the relationship, then he should not be in the relationship. "It could also be that he is feeling guilty about losing feelings, so he's trying to blame someone." If he is losing feelings, then the ultimatum to sit and talk and work it out will be the boot he needs to s*** or get off the pot. "I've heard an advise, that if you're feeling he is getting distanced, distance yourself. By distancing I mean being indifferent, rather than angry and agressive. Maybe this will work." That's game playing. Push pull. Hot cold. Relationships don't forge a stronger bond by dancing around each other, especially when it's the second time around. Besides, this is not a new relationship. They dated, had a relationship, broke up and are back together again. Second time around, no holds barred. You either work at it or stop wasting the other person's time. Edited March 20, 2013 by geegirl
OwlSoul Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 But they decided to reconcile, and if the issues, (I believe communication was one of them) that parted them the first time are not addressed the second go around, then what is the point in getting back together again? Communication is not the former issue, but the result of it. Usually, communication gets worse once the relationship starts getting disbalanced. How many people here were trying to communicate? How many of them were always planning weekends together, showing all the passion and etc.? And how many of them resulted of losing their partner out of nowhere? If he is losing feelings, then the ultimatum to sit and talk and work it out will be the boot he needs to s*** or get off the pot. Ultimatums are always bs. Since they are playing on the other person's fear of losing the partner. That's game playing. Push pull. Hot cold. Relationships don't forge a stronger bond by dancing around each other, especially when it's the second time around. Besides, this is not a new relationship. They dated, had a relationship, broke up and are back together again. Second time around, no holds barred. You either work at it or stop wasting the other person's time. There is a difference between playing games and actually being self-content undependent person. Push and pull games never work, since the beloved one know you better than most of the people. They will be able to see, what's false and what's not. THAT is why exes usually return back when the dumpee has moved on.
geegirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) "Communication is not the former issue, but the result of it. Usually, communication gets worse once the relationship starts getting disbalanced" Agreed. But since they have decided to reconcile, the issue has to be addressed. Effective communication can be learned. If there is no effort, agreed participation on both parts to learn how to effectively communicate within the relationship moving forward, then there is no second go around. She has to determine if he's a willing participant. "How many people here were trying to communicate? How many of them were always planning weekends together, showing all the passion and etc.? And how many of them resulted of losing their partner out of nowhere?" I'm speaking based on the OP's specific issue, and not a general consensus. "Ultimatums are always bs. Since they are playing on the other person's fear of losing the partner." The "ultimatum" is not set to instill fear but to determine the ex's expectations and commitment in moving forward with a second chance at reconciliation. This is the second go around. She is entitled to know if they are both on the same page. "There is a difference between playing games and actually being self-content undependent person. Push and pull games never work, since the beloved one know you better than most of the people. They will be able to see, what's false and what's not. THAT is why exes usually return back when the dumpee has moved on." "if you're feeling he is getting distanced, distance yourself". That is what you said. Push and pull. So when he distances, you distance. When he gets close, you get close. Then he distances. Then you distance. Push and pull. That dance normally happens when you're early into the relationship, testing/unsure of interest. Not when you were in a relationship, ended and reconciled. S*** or get off the pot. Exs return after a break-up, yes. But these two are currently in a relationship. Edited March 20, 2013 by geegirl
Author abeezy Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 The same story happened to me. I'll suggest an alternative way. On other hand, it might be a bad idea. Communication and problem solving is good when the relationship is good and both partners are interested. Some would say, if she'll go to him and ask to work over it he might feel trapped and etc. It could also be that he is feeling guilty about losing feelings, so he's trying to blame someone. I've heard an advise, that if you're feeling he is getting distanced, distance yourself. By distancing I mean being indifferent, rather than angry and agressive. Maybe this will work. thank you for replying i will take this into consideration especially being indifferent.. and oddly enough he texted me earlier after i wrote this and asked me how i was ect. and maybe he has lost some feelings or is confused about things about us but i dont see why he would give me another chance.. afterall i broke up with him in a text (haha yeah i know) and i did text him to talk it out in person a few days following i felt bad but he was angry about it and said i did what i did and there was nothing to say. and would rather me explain it in text to him.. and i did then told him i wished him well and i didnt text him after that so it was like 4 days later then he came back to me and stuff so maybe he thought it over what i had to say. i never pressured him or told him to take me back! sorry for going off haha
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