Husband no longer loves me after 13 yrs? Has lost that "sparK"??

[Car111]

Husband no longer loves me after 13 yrs?

I just found out my husband no longer loves me after we have been together 13 yrs. We have been married 8 years, with 3 children under age 6. We recently had a large argument. A few days later I asked him if he truly cared about me anymore, because he no longer tells me he loves me and I feel he is no longer interested.

 

This is when he told me he has not loved me for almost 4 years, although he can't pinpoint exactly when it happened. He says he has just lost that "spark" we used to have. He has been "playing along" for sake of the family. He said he loves me, but more like as mother to our kids. He said he probably doesn't care about me as much as he should, and doesn't think about me as often as he should. At the time he told me he can't imagine us staying married. Now he suggested we do marriage counseling to try to rebuild our marriage.

 

All of the sudden, things are acqward between us, now that the truth is out. We generally get along with each other and I would hate to divorce and break up our family. At the same time, I don't want to stick around with a man who does not care about me.. I feel like I deserve to be cared for and treated with respect. A few years ago my mother passed away, and he really did not give me the support I need. It makes me feel like he will not be there for me in my most important times in life.

 

Any advice or ideas for me are welcomed! Or if anyone is going through a similar situation?

 

Thanks

[CarrieT]

I'm willing to put down $100 that he is having or has had an affair.

 

Marriages take work. Keeping a "spark" is a constantly-evolving job.

 

The fact that he said to you that he can't imagine you two staying married means that he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage.

 

If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling to answer all your questions (why and how did this happen?), you may as well start putting your financial ducks in a row and start the mourning process of ending your marriage.

 

My condolences.

[GuyInLimbo]

I don't nec think he's had an affair. People DO fall out of love without the presence of a third party.

 

However, if he HAS emotionally checked out, MC may be a complete waste of time. I wish you luck.

[Car111]

He has swore to me that there is no other woman. I am not 100% sure if I believe it. He says he would never do that to me as he respects me too much. He said he just no longer has any feelings for me. He is willing to do the counseling with me. I am not sure of his reasons for wanting to do the counseling but I see that as a sign that he cares (somewhat). I think he is afraid of this ending in a divorce, that will end up really hurting our kids.

 

I also know that he is at least a bit weary of giving us another try, as he feels he has already spend 4 years without much love for me and I'm not sure how much time he is willing to spend on the counseling. I feel a little bit dumb right now, as I am the only partner who has feelings. Right now I feel like I am in a really weird place, of not knowing how to even act around him. He has stated that he does not want space from me, even after I suggested he spend a few nights at his brothers house.

[CarrieT]

I would install a keylogger on his computer and do some investigating. The fact that he has felt this way for four years is suspect; why is he telling you this now? What happened four years ago?

 

Yes, people *do* fall out of love, but I am still suspicious.

 

His "swearing" there is no other woman is meaningless. That is known as gaslighting (google it) - especially with the "I respect you too much" line.

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while can see some of the signs...

[worldgonewrong]

Here's how I look at it too -

 

He says he's lost 'those feelings' (the spark).

There's 2 options (to my little mind):

1. If he has, and there's no other woman, then he'd be exhibiting the signs of deep grief at the loss of those feelings. Depression, whatnot.

2. The other option is that if he's not exhibiting depression/sadness, and he's closed off & cold, then he's re-potted those 'feelings' (the spark) with someone else. One doesn't give it up that easily, without signs of stress/sadness, unless there's someone else lurking in the shadows.

 

From what I've observed here, most times #2 is what has occurred.

[96nole]

Find the other woman and you'll find the missing spark. My ex wife gave me the same bulls*it line about there being no spark. That's because she was giving it to some other guy.

 

Have his patterns changed in any way? Working later? Change the way he dresses?

 

What was the big argument about? Have there been more arguments lately? Over things that you didn't think was significant for an argument?

 

Sure it's possible that he just lost that "spark" for you. But my money is on there being an other woman.

[Techie Artist]

I have to disagree with the premise of what has been presented. I do this because I am a wife who has lost the spark for her husband. I can't tell you when, but I can recall specific instances where I no longer felt special and beautiful to him, and so...over time...I lost that lovin' feeling. There is no other man. There is only a man who ignored or hurt me emotionally enough that I erected walls to shield my heart from the pain. But that also made distance between us and intimacy.

 

So, maybe he is having an affair. Maybe he's waiting to get rid of you.

Maybe he had an affair, liked the rush, and wants out so he can do it again.

Maybe he's a heartless jerk who never loved you in all the 13 years.

Maybe you have hurt him and he's shut down from you.

Maybe he's changed and has a new outlook on life that doesn't include you.

Maybe you've changed in a way that eliminated that "thing" he loved about you.

Or maybe...just maybe...he has fallen out of love with you.

 

If he's willing to try MC, then I say do it. That's what I'm doing right now. In my mind, I think my spouse is incapable of cleaning up his act thoroughly and quickly enough to keep me around. However, I feel that I owe the marriage the chance to sit with an objective professional to guide us to rational conclusions about some pretty emotional stuff.

 

Guard your heart, but try one more time. Caveat: if there's physical abuse, chemical dependency, and the like...RUN!

[M30USA]

I'm convinced it is a psychopathology limited to our current generation where people expect the "spark" to last for decades. This expectation, itself, can kill a marriage. Life isn't always about what happens objectively. It's usually about how our EXPECTATIONS meet or don't meet reality. Some of the most miserable people I know are those whose expectations in life are sky-high. These people cannot be pleased.

[Car111]

Thanks techie artist. My gut tells me he has simply lost that loving feeling. I am really worried we will not get it back... Or mainly that he will give up on trying before we've had a real chance at working it out. I am also worried about keeping my heart in this relationship if I am only going to get more hurt in the end... On the other hand if I divorce, my awesome children will be affected.

[Techie Artist]

Thanks techie artist. My gut tells me he has simply lost that loving feeling. I am really worried we will not get it back... Or mainly that he will give up on trying before we've had a real chance at working it out. I am also worried about keeping my heart in this relationship if I am only going to get more hurt in the end... On the other hand if I divorce, my awesome children will be affected.

 

I have 6-yr-old twins who are caught in my mess with spouse. I am giving spouse a chance because I'm giving my family another chance. I can "suffer" once more if it means a ray of hope to restore the marriage. It also means that I will give myself certainty about the situation if I have a definite "there's no love" conclusion. I'll be hurt, but I'll be free from guilt and regret that I didn't tough it out a little longer to make my decision based on fact. We can't afford to assume, guess, hint, or blame. We need black or white. Our kids deserve it, and so do we! Try one more time.

[Woggle]

It might not be about another woman. I have a friend who is gearing up right now to divorce his wife and even getting his financial ducks in a row and there is no other woman. He just simply wants out and is tired of being married to her.

[Techie Artist]

I'm convinced it is a psychopathology limited to our current generation where people expect the "spark" to last for decades. This expectation, itself, can kill a marriage. Life isn't always about what happens objectively. It's usually about how our EXPECTATIONS meet or don't meet reality. Some of the most miserable people I know are those whose expectations in life are sky-high. These people cannot be pleased.

 

I wholeheartedly agree, M30! We teach about fairy tales that are SO unlike reality. We brainwash young girls, especially, and flood boys with extreme female ideology (including porn). No real person can meet these extreme expectations. We're setting ourselves up for failure.

 

We focus on weddings rather than relationships and marriage. We get excited about the honeymoon and new home, but we neglect the development of long-term and deep love that surpasses disappointment. We rush to birth children but forget that they'll be receiving our baggage and our best, so we'd better eliminate as much baggage as possible and give our best! Marriage is HARD WORK that EVOLVES over a LIFETIME if you're able to withstand all the CHALLENGES and TRAGEDIES you encounter.

 

End of rant

[M30USA]

It might not be about another woman. I have a friend who is gearing up right now to divorce his wife and even getting his financial ducks in a row and there is no other woman. He just simply wants out and is tired of being married to her.

 

Agreed. I loved my ex-wife, still do, and always will. But I was emotionally, spiritually and physically unable to endure a marriage with her. There never was another woman involved. And she technically divorced me anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he is not willing to go to marriage counseling to answer all your questions (why and how did this happen?), you may as well start putting your financial ducks in a row and start the mourning process of ending your marriage.

 

My condolences.

According to the OP's first post, he was the one who suggested MC. Car111, is there a reason you didn't take him up on the offer?

 

I'm going to take a potentially unpopular position and say that he's done you a favor in being honest about his feelings. Would you rather spend the next decade drifting farther apart?

 

Car111, you have two options -

 

- Work with him to address the issues that seem to exist in your marriage, communication (like most couples) being #1. There could be a tremendous payoff in better methods of addressing problems going forward and a stronger, healthier bond between the two of you. You'd have the additional plus of evaluating his sincerity based on the effort he puts in.

 

- Pull back your self and prepare for life as a single mother of 3 young children.

 

Your choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Car111]

I too have 6 yr old twins!! I truly hope everything works out for me and my husband because I don't think divorce would be good for them. I don't really know what I can do differently to help him fall in love with me again... Hopefully the counseling will steer us in the right direction...

[TailSpin75]

Hi Car111 - sorry to hear of your struggle. Of course our stories are all different, unique, and there's only so much detail that can be communicated in a post. That being said I do agree, that from what you've described - he does seem to fit the model of those who step outside the marriage.

 

Having been on the receiving end of a spouse who also fit this model - what was initially something I absolutely could not see - is now so obvious. I'm not suggesting this is the situation you face - but I know I really (I mean really) didn't want that to be true in my particular case so my 'investigations' were weak. I attempted to investigate through conversation (bad move on my part) - as CarrieT stated it just set me up for gaslighting. I was under the impression that she would be open and honest - but clearly we had different agendas. Clearly she had been operating on a different agenda for awhile - it was not new... it was just new to me and therefore I had not had time to adjust, absorb, or digest any information. I got tunnel vision and wanted to 'save' the marriage. One's in my position are easy victims of gaslighting tactics.

 

For me... in hindsight... I saw what I wanted to see and I hear what I wanted to hear. When she told me she wasn't sure about her feelings, or that she didn't know if she loved me (identifying these as the 'issues') - I fully believed that these issues could be resolved. I didn't want to consider someone else because I could not 'fix' that and it would point to an ending that I wanted no part of.

 

Just sharing my experience and what I've learned around this forum. Again, not saying this is the case for you but you said yourself to his response of another woman "I am not 100% sure if I believe it." When I dug in deeper and uncovered information that was... 'undeniable' suddenly a lot of questions, things in my memory about her, conversations we'd had - all made a lot more sense.

 

I hope the best for you. You also posted, "Now he suggested we do marriage counseling to try to rebuild our marriage." - would definitely take him up on that.

[Car111]

Mr lucky.. We are going to try the marriage counseling. I know he wants to try at the counseling so that is a good sign. I think your point is very valid... I can gage his sincerity by how much effort he is willing to put in. He appears to at least be trying although I know that is hard for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can gage his sincerity by how much effort he is willing to put in. He appears to at least be trying although I know that is hard for him.

Some guys are taught from a young age not to emote or show or share their feelings. Obviously this isn't a good skill set in a relationship and then the attitude becomes the deed - because we don't connect, we feel disconnected. He may have some learned behaviors that he'll have to address in counseling and, like you said, you'll see how hard he's willing to work at it.

 

I wasn't a hugging, "I love you" kind of guy when I first got remarried (an awful first marriage and tough divorce will do that to you). My wife changed me for the better and I hope you and your husband can reconnect in the same way. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Car111]

My husband is most definitely not a hug and I love you sorry of guy... Which makes it hard for me. I know that he grew up the same way in a family that didn't perhaps show a lot of emotion that way. So reading your comment about not connecting well with others and therefore not feeling connected seems to make a whole lot of sense to me... We will try the counseling and I will keep everyone posted

[Car111]

I'm just not sure what to do now at this point... As I feel like I do not want to change who i am as a person to please him. For a while now it seems like mostly me putting in all the effort.. Asking about his day, joking around with him, planning time for us away from the kids. Now i feel like a fool, like if he is not into me, then why should I keep doing all these things? He has told me he will try to be more affectionate. It was only a few days ago but since then he has kissed me I think once a day at most. This is so hard for me because I am an affectionate person. I don't really understand.. I treat him well, I believe I am attractive, fun, caring, and I am the mother of his children..so I am at a loss as to why he has felt no love.

 

It's frustrating to be on the receiving end of someone not caring for you and having to work through that. I feel I deserve better. He is great with the kids..just not with me. He is often so closed off it feels like he is miles away. I very often get the feeling that he is angry at me and for no reason.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's frustrating to be on the receiving end of someone not caring for you and having to work through that. I feel I deserve better. He is great with the kids..just not with me. He is often so closed off it feels like he is miles away. I very often get the feeling that he is angry at me and for no reason.

Don't beat yourself up. When does MC start? You may find that progress can be made fairly quickly if he buys into the process.

 

Does he seem muted or depressed in other ways? Stopped doing any long-time activities or hobbies? Different with the kids?

 

As fragile and imperfect as we are as human beings, there are lots of things that can knock a marriage off track. Infidelity certainly one of them and usually quickly suggested as the cause. But there are others (medical and psychological) and your shared history and family means you need to find out.

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Car111]

His behavior has changed a little over the last year. He doesn't seem depressed, but comes home stressed from work, always seems distant/doesn't smile often sometimes. He has lost about 50 pounds last yr. He started running. Last week he told me he started running to think about his feelings for me and what it all means and what he should do..tell me about it, etc.

 

Well he told me the reason for the running last week and now every time I look at the new skinny him I just think that he lost 50 pounds due to worrying about me. He told me yesterday that was not the case, that's just how it started and once he started losing weight he was enjoying that. Now I wonder if he lost the weight due to his reasons or to impress someone else. I don't want to be paranoid about there being someone else but it's hard not to be.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I wonder if he lost the weight due to his reasons or to impress someone else. I don't want to be paranoid about there being someone else but it's hard not to be.

You don't have to be paranoid as there are fairly simple ways to find out. Cell phone records (calls and texts), financial documents, email accounts, keyloggers, etc. - if that's your concern, not too hard to get answers.

 

Does he have large amounts of unaccounted for time? Work late, weekends, travel, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Minnie09]

I truly believe he's met somebody else. Have you checked phone records yet?*

 

I'm usually not that fast when it comes to drawing conclusions, but his behavior and what he says kind of sound suspicious. The argument you had that made you ask him if he still cared about you was his*trigger to get it out there. The four years are probably made up, as I do not believe that he would be able to keep it secret for THAT long.....He met somebody else maybe 1-2 years ago, and justifies it to himself by saying "well, I lost that friggin spark 4 years ago, so no wonder I fell in love with somebody else. I tried, though....." Not.*

 

I know people who were and are in affairs and agree to mc, even suggest it, but they're not ending the A. It's one more component in their web of irrational justification. "See, I even suggested MC, but the spark is STILL gone......you can't blame me - I tried." BS

 

Start digging for the truth.