How do you divide the housework?

[Els]

According to % of shared expenses contributed by either party (ie the person who contributes less does more housework), or according to amount of spare time each person has? Or always 50/50, no matter what?

 

We hadn't had any problems previously, because both of the above coincided. He was paying the majority of shared expenses AND working longer hours since I was an undergrad, so it went without saying that I did most of the h/w. Whenever he came up and helped off his own bat, it was a bonus, but other than that I did all of it, not expecting or asking of any help.

 

Recently he's been having a (paid) break in his work, and I'm in grad school, which is quite a bit more stressful than undergrad. He voluntarily takes on some of the h/w, but there's still a lot left undone that he doesn't seem to feel the need to do. I feel guilty about asking for any help because I'm well aware that he's still paying for expenses, but on the other hand he has so much more free time than I do currently, and the resentment started to build up a little. I'm wondering if I'm justified in expecting him to do more in the given circumstances?

 

(Edited for clarity and focus)

Edited March 20, 2013 by Elswyth

[denise_xo]

In my opinion, how much money you bring to the table has absolutely no relationship with how much housework you are expected to do. My starting point is always 50/50, if one partner works significantly longer hours then adjust accordingly. If he has more free time than you, he should do more of the housework - and you should not frame that as 'help', it's equally his responsibility.

[xxoo]

We split chores according to time. He who has more time that week does more chores.

 

Agreeing to standards is a completely different ball of wax, however. Does he expect you to do the undone chores, or is he simply content with them "undone"?

[123321]

Time, but she does most of it because she's playing farmville most of the rest of the day.

[veggirl]

Well right now since I'm not working, I do 100% of the chores/cooking.

 

Once I am working fulltime, I expect to still do more chores than him. I will still do the cooking because I want to...it'll just switch from a new meal each day to more bulk meals made on the weekend and re-heated during the week.

 

I expect he will start doing 1/2 the grocery shopping and cleaning his bathroom (yes we have separate lol) and his laundry.

 

I am fine with continuing the rest of the chores...the dishes, sweeping, vaccuming.

[123321]

Well, I do most of the grocery shopping because it's on my way home from work,. As for chores in the house, she's been doing it mostly but it's not a lot, I had to do it pre-she and I know, it's just not a lot of work. There's a damn machine for everything (almost) and we're not messy people.

[Silly_Girl]

I earn 2.5x but we do it on hours available as a basis. We know what we need to output as a family, and mostly the person who does the least hours ups their inputs with chores.

 

However.... 1) he enjoys cooking and doesn't include it as a chore (bonus!); 2) I pay for 3 hours cleaning a week and don't intend to but see that as a bit of a free pass; 3) my job is WAYYYY more stressful and intense than his and we both think that buys a little bit of slack (same would reply if reversed).

 

Not entirely clear-cut, but we both feel clear on where we stand and we're both very happy with it.

[Els]

In my opinion, how much money you bring to the table has absolutely no relationship with how much housework you are expected to do. My starting point is always 50/50, if one partner works significantly longer hours then adjust accordingly. If he has more free time than you, he should do more of the housework - and you should not frame that as 'help', it's equally his responsibility.

 

Thanks.

 

We split chores according to time. He who has more time that week does more chores.

 

Agreeing to standards is a completely different ball of wax, however. Does he expect you to do the undone chores, or is he simply content with them "undone"?

 

He is content with them undone, and yep, this is a major part of the issue. His standards are really low for acceptable level of housework though. He's totally fine with the garbage piling up, the dishes staying in the sink until the next time we cook , doing the laundry after we run out of clothes and not before, stuff being scattered over the floor.

 

This was not an issue when I did most of the housework anyway, but it is an issue if he is expected to do some of them, because he just doesn't feel the need to do them until it's way past my level of tolerance.

 

Well right now since I'm not working, I do 100% of the chores/cooking.Once I am working fulltime, I expect to still do more chores than him.

 

Why?

 

Well, I do most of the grocery shopping because it's on my way home from work,. As for chores in the house, she's been doing it mostly but it's not a lot, I had to do it pre-she and I know, it's just not a lot of work. There's a damn machine for everything (almost) and we're not messy people.

 

I think last I counted the amount of time it takes to keep a house in order + do chores for both people, cook everyday and do assorted grocery/errands, it was about 15 hours/week. The time definitely decreases drastically if you're not cooking everyday, but it was still about 5-10 hours/week with irregular cooking, quite substantial.

 

If your girl is genuinely just playing farmville all day, though, 15 hours/week isn't too much to ask.

 

I earn 2.5x but we do it on hours available as a basis. We know what we need to output as a family, and mostly the person who does the least hours ups their inputs with chores.

 

However.... 1) he enjoys cooking and doesn't include it as a chore (bonus!); 2) I pay for 3 hours cleaning a week and don't intend to but see that as a bit of a free pass; 3) my job is WAYYYY more stressful and intense than his and we both think that buys a little bit of slack (same would reply if reversed).

 

Not entirely clear-cut, but we both feel clear on where we stand and we're both very happy with it.

 

Thanks. It's great that you can afford a cleaner. I think that when we're both working, that's something I'll consider as well. Can't afford that as a grad student though.

[Krytie TV]

Money should have nothing to do with this whatsoever. Anyone who argues that it should it playing a power game.

 

I have no real suggestions for distribution of labor, but...

 

... this was a struggle with me and my wife back in the day. Just remember that he is not you. Meaning, just because the housework is not done to your exacting standards does not mean it was not done. I'm not saying that you are like that, but just remember that you have given up control of a portion of the housework, and with that comes giving up some of the opinions or demands on how those chores have to be done.

[Els]

Money should have nothing to do with this whatsoever. Anyone who argues that it should it playing a power game.

 

To me it's not so much power, as the fact that I think couples should strive for equitable contribution. Meaning that if someone is pulling less weight in one aspect, they should try and make up for it in another aspect. It wouldn't make sense to me that one partner contributes everything to both income and housework, and the other partner contributes nothing. That is why I personally try to make up for my lack of income contribution. To his credit, he has never suggested that he thinks I should do more h/w due to the income discrepancy.

 

 

... this was a struggle with me and my wife back in the day. Just remember that he is not you. Meaning, just because the housework is not done to your exacting standards does not mean it was not done. I'm not saying that you are like that, but just remember that you have given up control of a portion of the housework, and with that comes giving up some of the opinions or demands on how those chores have to be done.

 

Do you not feel there should be limits to this? Such as the dishes maybe not staying in the sink for >3 days?

[CarrieT]

To me it's not so much power, as the fact that I think couples should strive for equitable contribution. Meaning that if someone is pulling less weight in one aspect, they should try and make up for it in another aspect. It wouldn't make sense to me that one partner contributes everything to both income and housework, and the other partner contributes nothing.

I'm with you on this one.

 

Now that I am living with Him and his kids, I take care of our personal mess (laundry and dishes during non-kid weeks) and he has a Nanny who does the kids laundry and half the dishes. She also will clean the floors (yeah!), but I take care of our bathroom.

 

He is the breadwinner and works a LOT of hours (surgeon) but will help with tasks, when asked, most pleasantly. I try not to ask, but he insists on doing "manly stuff" like taking out trash and when a cooking pot needs elbow grease.

 

I am more fastidious so I don't mind the cleaning I do because it makes ME happier to be in a house that is less cluttered. They, as a family, didn't seem to mind the clutter but one of the kids was gloating to his Grandma how GREAT the place looks now that I have moved in and likes my art collection.

[camillalev]

Yes you are, he should recognize this. Don't feel bad about bringing it up, if he's a decent guy he'll realize his error and pitch in. There are many women who come home from their full-time job and are still expected to do the lions share of housework. they get into a routine and their husbands get used to it. This isn't your situation exactly but it's similar. Nip it in the bud early, he has the time.

[Els]

The responses here have been quite interesting. Always nice to see how couples work together to get stuff done in the house.

 

I'm with you on this one.

 

Now that I am living with Him and his kids, I take care of our personal mess (laundry and dishes during non-kid weeks) and he has a Nanny who does the kids laundry and half the dishes. She also will clean the floors (yeah!), but I take care of our bathroom.

 

He is the breadwinner and works a LOT of hours (surgeon) but will help with tasks, when asked, most pleasantly. I try not to ask, but he insists on doing "manly stuff" like taking out trash and when a cooking pot needs elbow grease.

 

I am more fastidious so I don't mind the cleaning I do because it makes ME happier to be in a house that is less cluttered. They, as a family, didn't seem to mind the clutter but one of the kids was gloating to his Grandma how GREAT the place looks now that I have moved in and likes my art collection.

 

Yeah, the bf automatically does the 'manly' stuff too - not so much the trash, but whenever we buy anything, he'll do all the carrying, plus heavy lifting around the house, manual repairs, etc. Basically anything that needs physical strength. It doesn't take nearly as much time as the h/w does, but it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

 

I think the fastidious bit is the issue for us. What happens when the more fastidious person is also the busier one for the time being, or equally busy? Should the less fastidious person buck up and do things to the more fastidious person's standards, or should the more fastidious person lower them?

 

 

Yes you are, he should recognize this. Don't feel bad about bringing it up, if he's a decent guy he'll realize his error and pitch in. There are many women who come home from their full-time job and are still expected to do the lions share of housework. they get into a routine and their husbands get used to it. This isn't your situation exactly but it's similar. Nip it in the bud early, he has the time.

 

See, the thing is he doesn't 'expect' me to do anything. He actually did grow up in a family where his mother was expected to do the h/w despite working full-time, and he saw firsthand how it took its toll on her and consequently his family. So he knows better.

 

Him not expecting me to doesn't mean that stuff always gets done though. He's a sweetie, and he always agrees to do things when asked - but a bit of a procrastinator, too.

[firemanq]

One GF and I would do dishes together. It was fun, it was a time to be together w/o the kids. She would bump hips with me and whisper nasty suggestions to me. I was a full-time firefighter and my shift was 24 on and 48 off. On my off days, I would do at least some of the housework. She actually me to stop doing so much, because I was doing things the kids were supposed to be doing. She was right, so I just did the stuff she was doing.

 

My present GF does all the housework, dishes, laundry, floors, windows, yard work. The day she took a glass out of my hand, because it was not washed to her satisfaction, I stopped doing housework. It made a difference in our relationship, it lessened my feeling toward her. I know she thought she was showing me love. She did not realize I was showing her my love for her by doing some housework.

[Got it]

We work similar hours and both travel for work, though he travels more, I make more. Due to that we break things down on a bit of a fluid basis as well as what each party considers a priority.

 

We have a cleaner come in 1x a week so that is the bulk of the cleaning.

I do the cats daily care unless traveling

I do most of the dog's daily care and take her to and from day care when she goes. If she is home when he is home he walks her. If we are both home we take turns.

I take care of the horses or pay someone to do it. He will help me with the duties on the weekend if available.

I do most of the cooking

He does most of the dishes/kitchen straightening.

We split laundry

We split vacuuming floors.

He is tending to do more of the bills

I do the grocery shopping.

Car duties are split. Dealer gives a loaner so usually just drop it off on the way to work.

 

I hate cleaning so it may err more on him. I also don't care if dishes are in the sink for a little while and it drives him nuts so he ends up doing them more often.

 

But it is pretty fluid based on availability and travel.

[Roadkill007]

 

Do you not feel there should be limits to this? Such as the dishes maybe not staying in the sink for >3 days?

 

 

Just so you know, >3 days isn't unusual amongst a lot of guys. Why do bachelor sinks tend to be so full and dirty? It's not that we don't notice the dirtiness but that it's honestly not as much of a big deal for a lot of us. I think generally females have a more acute sense of smell, and that may also have something to do with it. There is also the remains of societal pressure that may give women more stress from disorder in the household in a similar way to as when men lose their jobs and can't find work for an extended period of time, they lose all sense of self-worth, which is only made worse if they sense any sort of pity from their wife and children.

 

honestly though, if you're feeling like he should help out a bit more, you should communicate it properly before it has the chance to fester inside you. If you just let it go, it'll just keep bothering you and you'll constantly get irritated at him for seemingly illogical reasons. And when I say communicate it, I mean have a talk with him where you explain your feelings of irritation, your dislike of squalid surroundings, and how he can help simply by doing a few more choice chores or just doing the same ones more often/thoroughly.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Roadkill007

[xxoo]

Try this- "the dishes need to be done, the trash needs to go out, and the laundry needs to be folded. I'm exhausted. Can we get this done together?"

[Els]

One GF and I would do dishes together. It was fun, it was a time to be together w/o the kids. She would bump hips with me and whisper nasty suggestions to me.

 

Haha, I only wish we could do that together. We currently have a tiny kitchen - literally just the sink in a corner, then a tiny countertop and stove. There's barely any space for one person to do stuff, let alone two.

 

When we used to live in a bigger house, it was pretty fun on the occasions that we cooked together.

 

We work similar hours and both travel for work, though he travels more, I make more. Due to that we break things down on a bit of a fluid basis as well as what each party considers a priority.

 

Sounds like you guys have it down pat. Neat.

 

Just so you know, >3 days isn't unusual amongst a lot of guys. Why do bachelor sinks tend to be so full and dirty? It's not that we don't notice the dirtiness but that it's honestly not as much of a big deal for a lot of us.

 

I'm well aware of this. That's why I chuckle when some guys say, "Meh, the housework doesn't take much time at all, I used to live alone so I should know." Yeah... it doesn't take much time at all when you throw your trash once a month, eat ramen or fried nuggets for dinner, do your dishes once a week, and wear your undies inside out when you run out of them, I'm sure! :laugh: The bf is already cleaner than most young guys I know.

 

I think I'm fairly lax as far as women go - most women seem to keep a much tidier house than I do. I'm not too fussed about clutter and such, but really, dirty dishes for more than a couple of days or the trash stinking up the apartment bugs the hell outta me.

 

honestly though, if you're feeling like he should help out a bit more, you should communicate it properly before it has the chance to fester inside you. If you just let it go, it'll just keep bothering you and you'll constantly get irritated at him for seemingly illogical reasons. And when I say communicate it, I mean have a talk with him where you explain your feelings of irritation, your dislike of squalid surroundings, and how he can help simply by doing a few more choice chores or just doing the same ones more often/thoroughly.

 

Try this- "the dishes need to be done, the trash needs to go out, and the laundry needs to be folded. I'm exhausted. Can we get this done together?"

 

Sounds good - I'll try these out in the future. Thanks.

[veggirl]

hey Elswyth, as for why I said I will expect to still do more of the chores than my bf even when I am working full time is because I pretty much just prefer to do them He is okay at chores, I mean he is willing to do whatever, but...I don't think he's very good at it. His idea of clean is a bit different than mine and the truth is I don't mind cleaning. I actually like cleaning more now that I live with him than I did when I lived alone, it feels like I'm doing something nice/helpful for him and I enjoy that.

 

Of course once I'm working, this could change totally and we could divide it 50/50! Right now though I still think I'd like to take on the brunt of it, I guess we'll see if that lasts though lol