Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hi does anyone think that OLD relationships are more likely to break up? Or has anyone had experience of this? With my last bf, I met him online and it was fabulous. We fell deeply in love and cared for each other a great deal. We broke up in the end over one silly misunderstanding. He decides he's not in love anymore as he doesn't feel the butterflies Hw used to feel and off he goes. I found out he was on OLD for 14 months before we met and had been on a whole heap of dates. He had only decent chemistry with one person other than me in all that time. We were eventually together for 9-10 months. Does anyone think that with OLD people are more likely to treat relationships as more disposable as they can potentially find better or so they think?
soccerrprp Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hi does anyone think that OLD relationships are more likely to break up? Or has anyone had experience of this? With my last bf, I met him online and it was fabulous. We fell deeply in love and cared for each other a great deal. We broke up in the end over one silly misunderstanding. He decides he's not in love anymore as he doesn't feel the butterflies Hw used to feel and off he goes. I found out he was on OLD for 14 months before we met and had been on a whole heap of dates. He had only decent chemistry with one person other than me in all that time. We were eventually together for 9-10 months. Does anyone think that with OLD people are more likely to treat relationships as more disposable as they can potentially find better or so they think? Unfortunately, yes. Especially those who have been successful at it. GIGs sets in and many of those OLD tend to revisit the dating sites even while in the midst of a relationship hoping for something better. I have subscriptions to two that will end this week and I will not be re-upping anytime soon. Need a looooooong break from OLD and focus on the friends I've made w/o any romantic expectations. Yes. The answer IMHO is yes. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Unfortunately, yes. Especially those who have been successful at it. GIGs sets in and many of those OLD tend to revisit the dating sites even while in the midst of a relationship hoping for something better. I have subscriptions to two that will end this week and I will not be re-upping anytime soon. Need a looooooong break from OLD and focus on the friends I've made w/o any romantic expectations. Yes. The answer IMHO is yes. Shame. I know how rare it is to find someone in RL let alone OLD that you feel a deep connection with. Even he seemed genuinely surprised about finding such a connection with me. I've only been on 3 online dates. Two were appalling and the other was amazing. Its so sad. interestingly the.most recent date I had only(even though we didn't get on) said that I actually looked like my photos as most women in his experience put on photos that we at least 5 years old. My ex is 37 and didn't start dating until 35. He's only had a 3 month relationship before me. I hope he finds his next experiences are.not as.good as what we had. with his.baggage no one else will put up with it.
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Amelie I think your negative outlook REALLY doesn't help you. I have no idea if what you said above. To be honest I couldn't care less and neither should you. Ok this guy let you down. I will tell you this right now, if your attitude doesn't change dramatically so will the next guy, and the next guy after that. You are not 'dealing' with this grief in the right way and because of this, you will bring this baggage into the next relationship without even realising it. The longer you feel sorry for yourself the bigger the hole you are digging. I have learnt ONE big lesson in romance. People are drawn to and stay with STRONG people. Not the kind of people (I include myself in this) that post on a broken hurts website moaning all the time "why me". Life is hard. Life is full of challenges. It is how you confront and deal with those challenges that determine how successful your life will be going forward. I don't have all the answers Amelie. I don't, but I do know you have to want to help yourself if you are going to succeed. Right now you are not helping yourself and the sad thing is your are wasting precious time. It's like you have given up, when the reality is you should be fighting for you future now more than ever. Life isn't the movies. The dream guy just doesn't appear out of nowhere when you are at your lowest. I'm sorry if you feel I am harsh but seriously you need to have a reality check before its tool late.. Your ex is gone. The dude didn't date until he was what 35? There are more red flags with that statement then there in the NFL! There is better out there for you BUT only if you believe and put the work in. If you don't you will just end up a very bitter woman. Is that what you want? 3
Mint Sauce Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I have a few friends who are happily married through OLD. I see a common denominator though: they found their partner quickly, i.e. after at most a few months on the OLD site, and only a few different dates. I think it depends on the mindset: are you looking for someone you connect with and see a future with, or are you looking for "the ultimate best match"? People stuck in the latter mindset will keep on searching, dating,...ad infinitum.
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Amelie I think your negative outlook REALLY doesn't help you. I have no idea if what you said above. To be honest I couldn't care less and neither should you. Ok this guy let you down. I will tell you this right now, if your attitude doesn't change dramatically so will the next guy, and the next guy after that. You are not 'dealing' with this grief in the right way and because of this, you will bring this baggage into the next relationship without even realising it. The longer you feel sorry for yourself the bigger the hole you are digging. I have learnt ONE big lesson in romance. People are drawn to and stay with STRONG people. Not the kind of people (I include myself in this) that post on a broken hurts website moaning all the time "why me". Life is hard. Life is full of challenges. It is how you confront and deal with those challenges that determine how successful your life will be going forward. I don't have all the answers Amelie. I don't, but I do know you have to want to help yourself if you are going to succeed. Right now you are not helping yourself and the sad thing is your are wasting precious time. It's like you have given up, when the reality is you should be fighting for you future now more than ever. Life isn't the movies. The dream guy just doesn't appear out of nowhere when you are at your lowest. I'm sorry if you feel I am harsh but seriously you need to have a reality check before its tool late.. Your ex is gone. The dude didn't date until he was what 35? There are more red flags with that statement then there in the NFL! There is better out there for you BUT only if you believe and put the work in. If you don't you will just end up a very bitter woman. Is that what you want? Must you be so patronizing? I was a strong person...I was told rational and strong willed.
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I have a few friends who are happily married through OLD. I see a common denominator though: they found their partner quickly, i.e. after at most a few months on the OLD site, and only a few different dates. I think it depends on the mindset: are you looking for someone you connect with and see a future with, or are you looking for "the ultimate best match"? People stuck in the latter mindset will keep on searching, dating,...ad infinitum. My ex is looking for that mythical one.....you ain't never gonna find it. they don't exist
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Must you be so patronizing? I was a strong person...I was told rational and strong willed. If you find me patronizing I can't change that opinion Amelie. I just don't want you posting on this forum in 6-12 months time about stuff that shouldn't have any relevance to you. Who cares if Online dating is great or not. It's irrelevant. For some it is, for others it is not. If you are the awesome girl you (and I) believe yourself to be, you are wasting the opportunity on meeting someone that's really right for you. Not only that, you are also denying that great guy a chance of meeting a girl that will give him everything he wants..The right person for you exists Amelie, whether 'mythical' or not. Maybe if you said "I Can" instead of "I can't" you might actually meet him? Or is that just me being partonizing? It seems my words are wasted on you, so I will leave your thread(s). Nothing worse then wasted talent/opportunities. I can't see how you can meet the right guy with your current attitude, I really can't. Take care Edited March 20, 2013 by Mack05
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 If you find me patronizing I can't change that opinion Amelie. I just don't want you posting on this forum in 6-12 months time about stuff that shouldn't have any relevance to you. Who cares if Online dating is great or not. It's irrelevant. For some it is, for others it is not. If you are the awesome girl you (and I) believe yourself to be, you are wasting the opportunity on meeting someone that's really right for you. Not only that, you are also denying that great guy a chance of meeting a girl that will give him everything he wants..The right person for you exists Amelie, whether 'mythical' or not. Maybe if you said "I Can" instead of "I can't" you might actually meet him? Or is that just me being partonizing? It seems my words are wasted on you, so I will leave your thread(s). Nothing worse then wasted talent/opportunities. I can't see how you can meet the right guy with your current attitude, I really can't. Take care I did everything right last time and it still wasn't enough. I had the best attitude etc and it still went wrong. I got ditched for y taste in music among other trivial things
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I did everything right last time and it still wasn't enough. I had the best attitude etc and it still went wrong. I got ditched for my taste in music among other trivial things Ok you accept he is a douche. You accept it's his loss. You stop trying to figure him out. You deal and work through your sadness in the right way. You then dust yourself off, you pick yourself up by the boot straps and you decide that 'defeat' is not an option. Then when the next guy comes all the negativity and baggage have been dealt with and you enjoy the here and now.. You have an open mind and an open heart. Right now you have neither and this is the problem..
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Ok you accept he is a douche. You accept it's his loss. You stop trying to figure him out. You deal and work through your sadness in the right way. You then dust yourself off, you pick yourself up by the boot straps and you decide that 'defeat' is not an option. Then when the next guy comes all the negativity and baggage have been dealt with and you enjoy the here and now.. You have an open mind and an open heart. Right now you have neither and this is the problem.. I just give up. Since I got depressed my mother decided to try and help to bring me out of it....my mothers only way of dealing with people is to scream shout and swear and day the most atrocious and vindictive things. telling me it was all my fault and no wonder he split up with me....I've got no family support and I'm just so fed up.
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Besides mack it was a legitimate question about old. need to know if there's any point continuing with it.
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I just give up. Since I got depressed my mother decided to try and help to bring me out of it....my mothers only way of dealing with people is to scream shout and swear and day the most atrocious and vindictive things. telling me it was all my fault and no wonder he split up with me....I've got no family support and I'm just so fed up. Now that is very sad Amelie. For a mother to be in anyway 'abusive' to her kid. Have you thought about going to therapy? Every person gets to choose their own destiny. No matter who their parents are. If you can raise above the negativity that surrounds you and go onto live a better life, that is truly inspirational. Sadly sometimes kids follow the example set by their parents. Your mother is a vindictive person. Right now it seems you are following the same 'negative' path as her. You are better then this. But will you are in the "I give up, Im fed it up zone" you will never go onto realise your true potential. Indeed you know what will happen while you stay in this mindset? Nothing.........At least nothing worthwhile..
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Besides mack it was a legitimate question about old. need to know if there's any point continuing with it. Nope, not in your current mindset. Right now you have no chance of meeting someone special. Your negativity is ruining any chance you might have. Even when you move past this negativity, because you never dealt with it properly it will resurface in your future. Just a matter of when. There are many places to meet someone. OLD, A pub, a bar, a niteclub, church, volunteering, waiting by a bus stop/taxi/train, on a train/plane, facebook, on a holiday, social website, tax office, McDonald's, concert, football game, etc etc etc etc. The best way to meet someone special (and this is just my opinion) is by sending out the right signals to the universe. It's about being happy and at peace within yourself. It's about having an open, forgiving heart and and open mind, free of the past and the baggage of the past. It's about learning from mistakes and embracing your flaws. It's about knowing if anyone ever dumps you, its the dumbest thing that they have ever done (doesn't matter if its true or not, its what you believe). The worst way to meet someone (again my opinion). "Why always me", "whats the point", "I give up", "I'm fed up", "No one loves me for me", I'm the victim, my friends suck, my family suck blah blah blah..This attitude just doesn't inspire Amelie. Be the inspiration, not the victim... Edited March 20, 2013 by Mack05 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I was the inspiration last year. He took everything I was and detailed why it wasn't good enough....it's hard to pick yourself up.
Mack05 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 ....it's hard to pick yourself up. It is, but the victory will be sweeter in the long run if you keep up the fight. 1
destroyed4sho Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hi does anyone think that OLD relationships are more likely to break up? Or has anyone had experience of this? With my last bf, I met him online and it was fabulous. We fell deeply in love and cared for each other a great deal. We broke up in the end over one silly misunderstanding. He decides he's not in love anymore as he doesn't feel the butterflies Hw used to feel and off he goes. I think it doesn't matter how you meet. I think that INEXPERIENCED people think that the butterfly in the stomach feeling should last forever and if it does not then its over. The honeymoon stage is just a STAGE in a relationship, it goes away eventually. What comes after is a stable and truer love. People these days are just addicted to feeling good. And when that is gone, they discard you in search for someone else that will give them this feeling. I think people do this bc they are either inexperienced, experienced and want the high of something new, or just do not want a long term relationship. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I think people do this bc they are either inexperienced, experienced and want the high of something new, or just do not want a long term relationship. Or there is "just something wrong with them".....People with certain personality disorders just cant be in committed relationships. They are forever "looking for a better deal" or will run to the person that shows them the most attention-regardless of the mess they leave behind. They just dont care about that because its all about what makes THEM happy. TFOY 2
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I think it doesn't matter how you meet. I think that INEXPERIENCED people think that the butterfly in the stomach feeling should last forever and if it does not then its over. The honeymoon stage is just a STAGE in a relationship, it goes away eventually. What comes after is a stable and truer love. People these days are just addicted to feeling good. And when that is gone, they discard you in search for someone else that will give them this feeling. I think people do this bc they are either inexperienced, experienced and want the high of something new, or just do not want a long term relationship. He was very inexperienced..only one gf of 3 months before me. He said it used to be the case that he was overwhelmed with anticipation at seeing me....I hate to break it to you that doesn't last. Especially after you've dated for neArly a year. it becomes a deeper bond.
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Or there is "just something wrong with them".....People with certain personality disorders just cant be in committed relationships. They are forever "looking for a better deal" or will run to the person that shows them the most attention-regardless of the mess they leave behind. They just dont care about that because its all about what makes THEM happy. TFOY Yup. there was something in the paper the other day about au tistic spectrum and the character traits were him to a tee. I don't think he's capable.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Yup. there was something in the paper the other day about au tistic spectrum and the character traits were him to a tee. I don't think he's capable. Yep. People that are Borderline Personality Disorder are someone you WILL never win with in a relationship. They are going to cheat, look for GIGS or something else. They cannot form normal committed relationships. Period. The good news there is that you cant help them, all you can realize its out of your hands and its "not you". TFOY
StraylightRun24 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Amelie1980 are stories of heart break are very similar. I also met my current ex on a dating website and eventually was dumped a few months down the road because of lack of spark and butterflies. On our 5th or 6th date I remember us both laughing our heads off that we found each other on that particular site because I guess we both had very little expectations from it. The following 3 months or so were great. We'd get together every Tuesday night and dominate Trivia night at a local bar near her place and spend basically every weekend weekend together either at her place or mine. Towards the end she was even taking me to family and co-workers/friends parties introducing me to everyone as her boyfriend. We even spent Christmas Eve/morning together so naturally I thought everything was just peachy. As it turns out it wasn't.... 3 Days after Christmas she comes over to hangout and spend the night and just lays it on me, "I can't be your girlfriend any more.....blah blah blah.....I lack the spark for you.....blah blah blah....I don't want to hurt you further down the road...." I was and still am floored. While I'm still struggling every day I know deep down there is nothing I could have done differently to change anything. While I know I'm not perfect I was absolutely the best I could be for her and I can hold my head up high knowing that. It's how she felt and unfortunately I can't do anything about that. We had differences of opinion on what we felt the spark was. I believe it's the initial excitement you get on your first few dates that will slowly ebb away and I guess she felt it was something that was more lasting. You really should listen to the other posters on here. They are giving some wonderful insight. My advice about internet dating (and dating in general), is take a break from it. Work on yourself. I made the mistake of going on a date not even a month after the BU and while it went well (I'm actually friends with the girl now) it just didn't feel right at all. I need to work on bettering myself right now and it sounds like you do too! We'll both eventually get there and remember it's him, not you! (cliche I know, but it's true!!!) 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 There was no lack of spark ever. he said he fell out of love ie butterflies gone. that just happends ....
StraylightRun24 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 There was no lack of spark ever. he said he fell out of love ie butterflies gone. that just happends .... Spark, butterflies, whatever you want to call it....it's all the same doo doo poo to me! I honestly feel me and my ex didn't lack spark either. Ironically I ran into the only friend of her's I really got to know during our relationship the very next night after the BU (funny how life likes to kick you when you're down, right?) and he asked if we would be partaking in our normal Trivia butt kicking on the up coming Tueday. I unfortunately had to tell him she broke up with me the day before and he was shocked. He ended up FBing the very next day asking what the heck happened and that we were great together and he had actually talked to her about me like 3 weeks prior and she was just gushing about me. Also all my female friends that met her at a party I had were also shocked because they all thought we were perfect for each other and she was obviously into me because of the PDA she was showering me with. As my one very good female friend told me once she found out about the BU, "Lack of sparks? What does she think this is, a Rom-Com? She's CRAZY!" So yea I do believe it just happens sometimes and just like destroyed4so and thefooloftheyear have stated above I really honestly believe it's because they sadly are looking for relationship high that doesn't last. I'm hurt, depressed, and have recently realized a little angry/bitter towards her because of her destroying my hopes and dreams of a possible future with her, but you know what? She did what she thought was right for herself in her quest for happiness. I told her I don't want anyone feeling like their settling for me and I also don't want to stand in anyone's way of finding happiness. Yes when I said it to her they were just words because I was taking the high road, but I know once all the hurt/anger and all the other crazy emotions I'm feel finally subside I do hope she finds whatever she's looking for. We really should consider ourselves lucky that we weren't strung along any longer than we actually were. I know that's not what you want to hear (hell I don't want to hear it myself), but it's true.
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