Bobbi4579 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I know it's right to leave my emotionally abusive boyfriend but it is very hard for me to stay away from him. We've been together for over 2 years. In the beginning he was the perfect man. He was complementing me, telling me things I wanted to hear, buying me clothes and shoes (that made me uncomfortable because no one had ever done that for me before), I thought he was perfect. He was also funny and when we went out he's very confident and I felt safe with him (I tend to be more shy). He's a lot older than me, about 15 years but that didn't bother me, he started out our relationship so respectful I thought I found a true old fashion gentleman. I was swept off my feet. He told me he was in love with me within the first month, I thought it was fast but I'm not young so I thought it was sweet and I felt strong feelings toward him because he showered me with attention and affection. About 2 months into the relationship I realized he was texting and calling me all the time. He wanted to know where I was and who I was with, it really didn't bother me because I thought he was just asking simple questions (I later came to realize he was checking up on me all the time). He also wanted to make sure I was always dressed the way he liked me in high heels and dresses, at first I didn't mind, I wanted to please him. I realize now everything I did was to please his controlling nature, I blame myself, but it's easy to get caught up in trying to please someone that treats you with respect at the beginning. The anger outburst started about 3 months into our relationship, right around the first time we were sexually intimate. He wanted to wait to sleep with me, he wanted it to be special so he planned a long weekend for us at a beautiful hotel and made sure everything was perfect. I was do happy then, before the anger started. He started with yelling or actually screaming at people driving, it was shocking he would get so mad. I was embarrassed every time we drove somewhere together (which was a lot) because he was always screaming at other drivers & driving too fast. Then the other stuff started, like his twisted sexual fantasies. He used to say he wanted to make me his slave and have me do whatever he said (including watching him have sex with others, him watching men have sex with me, him watching women have sex with me) I couldn't believe my ears, I would go along with his "make believe" fantasies in bed sex talk and all but then after sex he would say I was a tease because I would really never do those things for him. It hurt me that he wanted to put me in those situations. It was humiliating he thought of me that way. Then he would start to tell me about the orgies he had been involved in when he was younger and that he enjoyed it and would like to do it again but would only do it with me, he even brought up me having sex with a shemale! I just ignored it for 2 years, I can't believe I listened to that for 2 years. The insults started after about 3 months too, name calling, slut, whore, ****ing bitch, he hung up on me too many times to count. He broke 4 cell phones, totally smashed them when he was mad at me usually throwing them at me if I upset him. He hated all my friends. I continued to stay with him for over 2 years. Now I'm writing this to ask for help, I need the strength to stay away from him. We have broken up and gotten back together before, I don't want to this time. I need help, words of wisdom from women that have been in my shoes & understand how these men can manipulate your brain that you can't think straight, I'm so confused sometimes after I argue with him even when he's in the wrong he is so good at blaming and twisting everything after the argument is over he expects me to apologize. Now I'm done. I need to stop the cycle. I need to stop the insanity. I'm so broken down I can't see straight. I thought I had a future with this man only to find out I was wrong. Please help me any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thunderchild Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 The need to return to a manipulative/abusive relationship is often indicative of a much deeper situated issue within you. For some reason - lack of confidence, social isolation, bad childhood (whatever) - you need to address what is wrong within you. That doesn't mean that you are to blame, but you are significantly aware of yourself to know that something is wrong. That means having to acknowledge that your past choices were bad and make the moves required to making better choices in the future. It all begins and ends with YOU, nobody else If that means professional help then so be it, but go to a reputable counselling/psychologial professional 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Bobbi4579, I would suggest you urgently contact a women's shelter or association/organisation that helps and supports women who find themselves in abusive relationships. There doesn't need to have been any form of physical violence; mental and verbal abuse is often equally damaging and in fact can hit deeper than anything he could actually do with his fists. It erodes your self-worth, self-esteem, personal dignity and destroys who you are, from the inside. Please seek professional help, and make such an association, your first port of call. There is a form of addictive attachment to something of this kind, so you may well enlist the help and support of a mentor who can guide you and be with you to help you regain your strength to fight off his approaches, and the temptation you might have to return to this destructive, dysfunctional and toxic arrangement ever again. I refuse to refer to it as a relationship. However, the fact that you recognise that this simply cannot go on, is a bold step in the right direction. Well done you, for being able to see through this fog, and recognise that. It takes strength to walk away. You are demonstrating the first signs of that strength you need. But you know it's going to be hard, and might be difficult to do this on your own. Well done you, honey, for taking that first tentative step. There IS a lot of help available. Use it. We're here for you. You should too..... 1
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