Avoiding becoming a bootcall/hook-up

[Michelle83]

So I was talking to a friend today and one area where I think I tend to go a bit wrong with guys is sexually or just physically in general.

 

If I'm really interested in them, I'm very interested and am a pretty physical person. I enjoy everything about it, and don't mind talking about it, sexting, etc. I like doing that. I've sent pictures to guys, that sort of thing (although that may not always be the wisest, but that's a whole other discussion).

 

I don't sleep with them on the first date or anything, but after a few dates (say 5-6) and things are moving along and I feel comfortable and ready to move forward, then I do.

 

But, a few times it seems to have turned me more into a hook-up type of situation than a relationship.

 

So what's the best way to avoid this?

 

My friend was saying don't do anything beyond kissing until you're in a 'relationship' with the guy and it's known you are, but how many guys would move to that stage without it?

 

But then once it's happening, I thought guys like if you express you enjoy sex/being physical with them and initiate it, are open to doing new things, etc.

 

But then that just seems to get me to hook-up status.

[MrCastle]

Just be honest. Not just with the men, but yourself.

 

If you enjoy having sex, continue having it. If you feel you've become just a bootycall, stop having it.

[Michelle83]

Just be honest. Not just with the men, but yourself.

 

If you enjoy having sex, continue having it. If you feel you've become just a bootycall, stop having it.

 

With the current guy, I am very much enjoying have sex...but I'm worried it's on the way to going straight for more of a hook-up/ situation.

 

I want to date him and move to a relationship. We aren't official yet or anything and my friend is saying not to be too available to him, don't make it easy for him to get sex (but I want it too...so that sucks, we are a bit all over each other a lot of the time though), and so on.

 

I thought guys liked when a girl they are seeing is like that though. She claims it comes off as too easy and he'll lose interest.

[MrCastle]

With the current guy, I am very much enjoying have sex...but I'm worried it's on the way to going straight for more of a hook-up/ situation.

 

I want to date him and move to a relationship. We aren't official yet or anything and my friend is saying not to be too available to him, don't make it easy for him to get sex (but I want it too...so that sucks, we are a bit all over each other a lot of the time though), and so on.

 

I thought guys liked when a girl they are seeing is like that though. She claims it comes off as too easy and he'll lose interest.

 

He'll only lose interest if he can get sex from you whenever. If he's calling you up at 1am to come over, and you're letting him, yeah, he doesn't respect you.

 

But if you guys are going out on dates, and one thing just leads to another, then that's different.

 

You can of course just be proactive and ask him what he considers you guys/where does he expect this thing to go.

[Star Gazer]

With the current guy, I am very much enjoying have sex...but I'm worried it's on the way to going straight for more of a hook-up/ situation.

 

I want to date him and move to a relationship. We aren't official yet or anything and my friend is saying not to be too available to him, don't make it easy for him to get sex (but I want it too...so that sucks, we are a bit all over each other a lot of the time though), and so on.

 

I thought guys liked when a girl they are seeing is like that though. She claims it comes off as too easy and he'll lose interest.

 

If you don't want to be seen as a bootycall, then don't act like one.

[Michelle83]

He'll only lose interest if he can get sex from you whenever. If he's calling you up at 1am to come over, and you're letting him, yeah, he doesn't respect you.

 

But if you guys are going out on dates, and one thing just leads to another, then that's different.

 

You can of course just be proactive and ask him what he considers you guys/where does he expect this thing to go.

 

Thanks for your replies. Okay, yes, that is just what I don't want (him losing respect).

 

He definitely doesn't ever try and call me up late for a booty call, so it's not like that. Im just more worried about it turning into mostly being about sex.

 

We saw each other last summer as well and that's what more or less happened. (there's a long story behind that - he's very religious so wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, then it happened...and he backed away completely, which I get).

 

Anyway, 6 months later we were talking more...and started actually going on dates, which I love and want to continue doing (and we don't have actual sex right now - so everything but...which I'm perfectly fine with).

 

More or less it's just that he'll sex text me quite a bit, so that kind of worries me if it's going too much in that direction. He's been really busy these last two weeks so we haven't seen each other for a while now.

 

I just don't want to become the girl he turns to only to get off, if that makes sense.

 

I like being sexual with him, but I want us to stay on the path to dating.

 

I'm a bit worried about asking the 'where are we' question... don't many guys freak out a bit if that comes a bit too soon into dating?

[Star Gazer]

More or less it's just that he'll sex text me quite a bit, so that kind of worries me if it's going too much in that direction. He's been really busy these last two weeks so we haven't seen each other for a while now.

 

I just don't want to become the girl he turns to only to get off, if that makes sense.

 

I like being sexual with him, but I want us to stay on the path to dating.

 

Last summer you were his bootycall, and now he basically just sexts you, you haven't seen each other in two weeks, you feel like he's turning to you only to get off, and you want to stay on the path to dating (which means you're not actually dating right now).

 

You are a bootycall.

[carhill]

So what's the best way to avoid this?

 

Focus on interpersonal interactions with sex being an expression of intimacy felt as a result of those interactions, rather than any interactions being the result of the expression of sex.

 

It sounds like a casual sex situation. This guy can't be too religious if he flipped from 'no sex until marriage' to sexting you and seeing you apparently mostly for sex. Maybe I'm just not familiar with that religion. Regardless, there is a balance of interpersonal interaction which indicates the path is mutual life interest and intimacy versus the tactile pleasures of pure sex.

 

If it appears his proactive interest is more having sex with you than building an interpersonal relationship with you, and you desire the latter, move on. If your style is to be strongly sexual early, then accept that such a style comes with risks. Up to you as to what you choose. Good luck.

[Star Gazer]

Focus on interpersonal interactions with sex being an expression of intimacy felt as a result of those interactions, rather than any interactions being the result of the expression of sex.

 

This!!!

 

Your physicality line up with your emotional progress that reflects your larger affection towards him. In other words, the foundation of your relationship should be on something other than the physical.

[Michelle83]

Thanks again for the replies. Yes, the past definitely doesn't help the situation and I was a bit worried it would be just too hard to overcome entirely.

 

We are going out now - to movies, dinner, which we didn't do before, but it's just so infrequent. It feels much slower than any other guys I've dated.

 

I think this one may be a lost cause. I'm not comfortable with just doing a bootycall situation and I know I'll just get hurt because I really do want more with him.

 

Maybe I'll try and be a bit less sexual at the start. It's hard, I either really am not interested at all and not one bit sexual, or I go overboard.

[curlygirl40]

 

 

 

I like being sexual with him, but I want us to stay on the path to dating.

 

I'm a bit worried about asking the 'where are we' question... don't many guys freak out a bit if that comes a bit too soon into dating?

 

I understand this fear of asking him something like 'what are we? Where is this going?' too soon and possibly freaking him out by that question.

 

BUT, and this is huge, you can only be the 'cool chick' for so long. Make sure you're going out on dates, make sure all of your conversations don't revolve around sex, make sure he (and you!) is respecting you. But eventually you're going to have to have that conversation.

 

A guy who is interested in being in a relationship with you will not run away by you initiating this conversation.

 

So chances are, you already know the answer and that's why you're afraid to ask the question, because then you are going to have to do something about it.

 

Each situation, and each person, is different. But personally, I wouldn't let this go much more than 2-3 months without knowing where I stood. If you're not his girlfriend after 2-3 months, then you never will be.

 

That's my opinion. Other people might argue that fact, but I believe it.

 

You can't scare away a relationship minded guy by asking him if you're in a relationship.

[veggirl]

5-6 dates doesn't seem too terribly soon to have sex, at all. How soon are you sexting them, sending pics, and making sexual comments?

 

Do you still go on actual dates with these guys after sex or do you settle for going to his place/your place for a movie? Do you tell them up front you are looking for a relationship?

 

Using sex / sex talk, etc to snag a guy or keep his attention is ALWAYS going to bite you in the ass.

 

In your specific situation considering you've known the guy for a while and he is repeating his same patterns, I see NO problem with "hey what is it that you're looking for this time around?"

[Revolver]

There's no exact "way". If a guy sees you as a Bootycall it doesn't matter how long you make him wait that's how he's going to see you.

[xpaperxcutx]

Have you ever thought about changing your dating patterns? You say you have a history of sexting and being sexually open, and all your end-results have been you becoming the booty call. If that is the case, your need to progress so fast sexually may come off as promiscuous to others.

 

To guys, especially, even though they are driven by sexual needs, they still like to have a girl who isn't so sexually straightforward. At least not so fast, that it makes them question your sexual history. Sure, guys wouldn't mind any hanky-panky that's freely handed to them, but then you might also be unknowingly decreasing your relationship values in their eyes. Obviously, if you are already giving it up so early, it makes one question, how many others you have given up to in the past?

 

Also take in mind that guys often like to keep what they fought hard for. By making them put in the effort of dating and courting you, they have more reasons to want to date you long-term because they value the time and effort placed in trying to make you their girlfriend.

 

Change the way you act in front of guys. Although, I'm certain it's part of your personality to be sexually open, you might want to tone that aspect of yourself and save it for the bedroom when the guy actually asked you to be his girlfriend. Marny guys would rather their girlfriends show their sexual side in private because he will naturally feel extra special that you're sexually open with him and no one else.

[crude]

If you enjoy the sex, then maybe he's YOUR booty call. If he doesn't have a problem with it, why should you? I think your problem is you need to get a better friend.

[Michelle83]

Have you ever thought about changing your dating patterns? You say you have a history of sexting and being sexually open, and all your end-results have been you becoming the booty call. If that is the case, your need to progress so fast sexually may come off as promiscuous to others.

 

To guys, especially, even though they are driven by sexual needs, they still like to have a girl who isn't so sexually straightforward. At least not so fast, that it makes them question your sexual history. Sure, guys wouldn't mind any hanky-panky that's freely handed to them, but then you might also be unknowingly decreasing your relationship values in their eyes. Obviously, if you are already giving it up so early, it makes one question, how many others you have given up to in the past?

 

Also take in mind that guys often like to keep what they fought hard for. By making them put in the effort of dating and courting you, they have more reasons to want to date you long-term because they value the time and effort placed in trying to make you their girlfriend.

 

Change the way you act in front of guys. Although, I'm certain it's part of your personality to be sexually open, you might want to tone that aspect of yourself and save it for the bedroom when the guy actually asked you to be his girlfriend. Marny guys would rather their girlfriends show their sexual side in private because he will naturally feel extra special that you're sexually open with him and no one else.

 

Thanks again for all the replies.

 

So yes, I've been thinking a lot and I think in the future I will wait until I'm girlfriend status to have sex for sure. Generally I don't actually move forward too fast... it takes me a while to want it with a guy, but then once I do, it's like full speed ahead.

 

I also wouldn't ever sex text or send photos until we have been intimate, so it has to have reached that stage at that point.

 

With this one, I actually did make him wait for quite some time.

 

Basically, we started talking, then went out a good 6-7 times and didn't even kiss - I told him I wasn't sure I was ready to date, and he said that was fine and he was having a good time, so left it at that.

 

We continued to see each other and more my desire grew. Then by date 8 maybe...I kissed him. We made out a bit and the next date we almost had sex (keep in mind again that's as far as it goes with him).

 

After that...it started being more bootycall like. He wouldn't call me late at night or anything and he doesn't drink, but it would mostly be come over, we'd hang out, make out, and that would be that.

 

That was last summer.

 

Then we ended up having sex, he backed off entirely...said he couldn't control himself around me (and since he's religious, it's important he doesn't have sex), and we stopped contacting each other.

 

Then we've been talking again since the start of the year - I initiated it and since then we've been out on 4-5 dates. This time he isn't just coming over to make out. We've only been back at a house once - all other times we've been out doing things.

 

It's just our talk is quite sexual, but we're both really attracted to each other and given our past, that's what scares me.

 

I'm starting to wonder if me being too sexual and sex texting is going to make the summer repeat itself.

 

This one may be too late to salvage...and I will have to have that talk soon I think. Either way, I do think I need to be more careful moving forward.

 

It's so true... I used to think being sexual was a good way to keep the guy interested, but maybe not so much.

 

It's confusing, on one hand you read all these things that guys like girls who are into sex, talking about it, etc, etc, but then it seems like that just makes them not want to be in a serious relationship with you.

 

I think that's why I'm confused.

[Andy_K]

So what's the best way to avoid this?

 

It doesn't matter how you act. It only matters whether the guy wanted more than that in the first place.

 

No amount of acting like a 'good girl' will persuade a guy who only really wants to screw you that he should have a relationship with you. At best he'll tolerate it for a while for the sex. Likewise, bringing up the 'relationship' talk won't scare off a guy who is also looking for one in the first place.

 

Most relationship-minded guys are perfectly happy to get into a relationship with a girl they had sex with after 1-3 dates, or who was very sexual. Virtually everyone on this board, if not having experienced it themselves, will know couples who started out this way.

 

How sexual you are is not the problem.

 

If you're having this problem frequently, the issue is the guys you are picking. When you're a better judge of character & interest level, you can act however you want and you're still not going to get used.

[jcrew11]

 

But, a few times it seems to have turned me more into a hook-up type of situation than a relationship.

 

 

I don't really get your question.

 

Guys want sex and do "relationship things to get sex."

 

If you just want sex, then go have it.

 

If you want relationship things, like going to dinner, then tell him you want dinner before sex. If you want him to call you for 30 minutes every day, then let him know that is your expectations, and he can decide if he wants to be "in a realationship with you."

[Emilia]

I don't really get your question.

 

Guys want sex and do "relationship things to get sex."

 

If you just want sex, then go have it.

 

If you want relationship things, like going to dinner, then tell him you want dinner before sex. If you want him to call you for 30 minutes every day, then let him know that is your expectations, and he can decide if he wants to be "in a realationship with you."

 

You don't understand the difference between casual sex and being in a relationship?

[hppr]

 

How sexual you are is not the problem.

 

If you're having this problem frequently, the issue is the guys you are picking. When you're a better judge of character & interest level, you can act however you want and you're still not going to get used.

 

Exactly.

 

If you want a relationship pick a quality guy who has the same interests as you and go from there.

[jcrew11]

You don't understand the difference between casual sex and being in a relationship?

 

She says she likes having casual sex.

 

So, I don't understand what this "relationship stuff" that she wants. She needs to tell the guy what she wants and expects "in the relationship." Does she want labels, monogamy, phone calls, dinners, etc.?

[Emilia]

She says she likes having casual sex.

 

So, I don't understand what this "relationship stuff" that she wants. She needs to tell the guy what she wants and expects "in the relationship." Does she want labels, monogamy, phone calls, dinners, etc.?

 

No she said she liked sex.

 

Relationship is not just about labels.

Edited March 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Michelle83]

It doesn't matter how you act. It only matters whether the guy wanted more than that in the first place.

 

No amount of acting like a 'good girl' will persuade a guy who only really wants to screw you that he should have a relationship with you. At best he'll tolerate it for a while for the sex. Likewise, bringing up the 'relationship' talk won't scare off a guy who is also looking for one in the first place.

 

Most relationship-minded guys are perfectly happy to get into a relationship with a girl they had sex with after 1-3 dates, or who was very sexual. Virtually everyone on this board, if not having experienced it themselves, will know couples who started out this way.

 

How sexual you are is not the problem.

 

If you're having this problem frequently, the issue is the guys you are picking. When you're a better judge of character & interest level, you can act however you want and you're still not going to get used.

 

Thanks...this is interesting. It's a bit relieving to know that if he just wanted this from the start, it may not have just been because of my actions.

 

It's really only been this guy that it's happened with, but then most guys I've dated never get to the sex part so... the last relationship I had I actually slept with on the 1st official date (we knew each other before then though) and it lasted four years, so you have a good point here.

 

She says she likes having casual sex.

 

So, I don't understand what this "relationship stuff" that she wants. She needs to tell the guy what she wants and expects "in the relationship." Does she want labels, monogamy, phone calls, dinners, etc.?

 

Yes, exactly. I like the sex....not casual sex. I don't want that. I want to be at minimum dating and having sex, preferably in a relationship and having sex, but I would understand if he needs more time to feel ready for a more serious relationship. I want to feel like he wants to spend time with me and is putting in effort to get to know me and that this could be going somewhere.

 

Not that he's calling me randomly and will get together with me occasionally and do what he needs to in order to get sex.

 

With the pictures... I can see what you mean there, but how would a new guy know the ex bf's have the pictures? Or they just assume?

[Revolver]

I disagree a girl withholding sex in order to make sure that the guy isnt only after that. Both, men and women enjoy sex, and when you start withholding it for whatever reason, it becomes a bargaining tool. From bargaining tool, it quickly turns into a weapon as the relationship progresses and is far too often used as a reward/punishment token. This type of approach and withholding sex in general, wrecks many otherwise great relationships.

[TheGuard13]

Exactly.

 

If you're going to be a sexual person, be a sexual person.

 

There are other ways to figure out what kind of a guy you're seeing.