sleeplessandsad Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, I need some unbiased advice....... The Background: I'm in my mid thirties - an established women who is financially independent, well travelled, cultured and ready to get into the next chapter of my life - meaning sharing my life with someone (marriage) and children. The clock is ticking...... I started dating a guy who I was acquaintances with for about 8 years before we started going out about a year and a half ago. He asked me to be his girlfriend and fell deeply in love with him. I really put my heart and soul into this relationship....I had all these hopes and dreams with him. To me, he was the one and I truly imagined our future together. So naturally about 6 months into our relationship, I brought up the idea that we should tell our parents about each other. I don't like keeping secrets and after 6 months, I felt like I knew I could be with this guy. ~ Fast forward a year and half later. I'm frustrated and sad and confused. Why? Because I still haven't been introduced to his parents. I can't understand why not. How could a 30 year guy who claims to love me not want his own parents to know about us? I've asked him about it. He says, he's not sure what he wants. That's he is too young for marriage....maybe just a late bloomer. I know what I want from life and from a life partner. I know that I want to get married and have kids one day. He doesn't know what he wants and I find this so frustrating. He is the one I want to be with...and I don't want to lose him. Whenever I ask him, he says he's afraid of the failure of marriage and the responsibility! Are these just excuses??...I don't know. I'm independent and support myself - so there definitely would not be a financial strain on him. About 2 weeks ago, I found some text messages on his phone, he was sending to a girl he had met at a nightclub while he was at an out of town trip with his buddies. These texts were flirtatious. It looked like it was just an out of town fun texting thing. So on top of the frustration....I thought that THIS would be final straw to finally convince me to leave this guy! But I continue to try to want to make it work....I should know better. What is wrong with me?? I SHOULD know better. I'm upset and angry all the time. I told him that I'm willing to work past what happened. I haven't seen any effort on his part to want to be with me. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I don't know where we stand. He's not clear as to what he wants: do you want to be with me? "I don't know", do you need time? "I don't know....I don't know what I want". What should I do? Completely have NC with this guy and give him all the time he needs to figure out his life!!! Help. I'm feeling the pressures of my age and scared of losing someone I love. We are both going away on trips and he says the trip will give him time to think about what he wants. Edited March 20, 2013 by sleeplessandsad
robaday Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He is the one I want to be with...and I don't want to lose him I know what I want from life and from a life partner. I know that I want to get married and have kids one day. well I hate to say this but he is NOT the one you want to be with if you put marriage and kids over HIM. You say you know what you want, but Im not convinced you do - do you want him? or do you want marriage and kids? He has been quite straight (albeit wishy washy) - he isnt ready for marriage, hes made that clear. You cant force him into marriage or kids it would end very badly. Similarly you shouldnt have to stay in a relationship in which you cant get what you want. Seems like neither of you know what you want. 1
Author sleeplessandsad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 yes, I know that if he isn't giving me what I want, then I should move on and really go after what I do want. I've made it clear to him that it's best if we go our separate ways because I don't want to resent him even if I do wait around for when he is ready...or I don't want him to resent me becasue he'll feel pressure.......but then he continues to text me and call me as if we didn't even just have a conversation about it!? Do I need to ignore his calls and texts - or politely tell him that I need to distance myself from him. It just makes me incredibly sad to push someone away that I love so much. It's the hardest thing. I'm trying to use my anger to push my feelings away....
NapoleonNotSheep Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hi everyone, I need some unbiased advice....... The Background: I'm in my mid thirties - an established women who is financially independent, well travelled, cultured and ready to get into the next chapter of my life - meaning sharing my life with someone (marriage) and children. The clock is ticking...... I started dating a guy who I was acquaintances with for about 8 years before we started going out about a year and a half ago. He asked me to be his girlfriend and fell deeply in love with him. I really put my heart and soul into this relationship....I had all these hopes and dreams with him. To me, he was the one and I truly imagined our future together. So naturally about 6 months into our relationship, I brought up the idea that we should tell our parents about each other. I don't like keeping secrets and after 6 months, I felt like I knew I could be with this guy. ~ Fast forward a year and half later. I'm frustrated and sad and confused. Why? Because I still haven't been introduced to his parents. I can't understand why not. How could a 30 year guy who claims to love me not want his own parents to know about us? I've asked him about it. He says, he's not sure what he wants. That's he is too young for marriage....maybe just a late bloomer. I know what I want from life and from a life partner. I know that I want to get married and have kids one day. He doesn't know what he wants and I find this so frustrating. He is the one I want to be with...and I don't want to lose him. Whenever I ask him, he says he's afraid of the failure of marriage and the responsibility! Are these just excuses??...I don't know. I'm independent and support myself - so there definitely would not be a financial strain on him. About 2 weeks ago, I found some text messages on his phone, he was sending to a girl he had met at a nightclub while he was at an out of town trip with his buddies. These texts were flirtatious. It looked like it was just an out of town fun texting thing. So on top of the frustration....I thought that THIS would be final straw to finally convince me to leave this guy! But I continue to try to want to make it work....I should know better. What is wrong with me?? I SHOULD know better. I'm upset and angry all the time. I told him that I'm willing to work past what happened. I haven't seen any effort on his part to want to be with me. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I don't know where we stand. He's not clear as to what he wants: do you want to be with me? "I don't know", do you need time? "I don't know....I don't know what I want". What should I do? Completely have NC with this guy and give him all the time he needs to figure out his life!!! Help. I'm feeling the pressures of my age and scared of losing someone I love. We are both going away on trips and he says the trip will give him time to think about what he wants. Well if he still isn't ready at 30 I mean he can stay that way forever and will end up alone. I know this because my aunt is like that. She is 47 and lives her life only for herself. Maybe he wants only gf to have sex with you and have good time but he doesn't want to live together and make commitment to you or even have kids. In other words he wants his life easy. And it doesn't mean that he will ever want to get married or have kids. Maybe thats who he is. If you want him then you need to adapt to him but there won't be any kids and marriage. If you want kids and get married and grow old together then go and find another man that has same view on life as you.
todreaminblue Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He isnt ready to settle down and you are you are at different stages in life not anything about age but definitely about stages......go no contact....even though it hurts it si better for you to find someone who is right where you are now........you may love him and it will hurt to walk away........but you will at least not waste time waiting for him to probably never commit.......deb
Author sleeplessandsad Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I just feel like as a man he feels no pressure to get married...he has no biological clock. He still has a lot of single guy friends that message him to go out drinking on the weekends. Yes, it seems like he just wanted a gf for the sake of having me in his life....to do things with! I feel sorta used, when from the beginning I made my intentions clear. I know that once his friends start getting engaged and married, it's going to click for him. There's no guarantee that I will meet someone in this time, that i'll feel that love and passion and connection to....but I guess I need to at least do myself a favor and see what could happen. He was the first guy in a looong time that I had that feeling of being "in love". IT's hard being alone again....and pushing him away...
NapoleonNotSheep Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Well you don't have to break up. You can be with him but don't expect anything big to happen anytime soon. Or there will be miracle and he will want to settle down. In the meantime you can search for other men that wants what you want. It is not nice but hey he also flirts with other girls and doesn't give a s***.
asdfasdf1234 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I can understand where you're at as I am a 29 year old male and the guy sounds a lot like me. It sucks but the above posters are right you 2 are at different points of your life. It really is a bummer because all guys hear about is how all marriages fail and they take your money, kids, etc. I don't think you should cheat on him, however as 1 above poster alluded to. The truth is he kind of sounds like he really doesn't care that much but he says he does. He says he loves you but he doesn't show you that he loves you. And yes he just keeps you around for someone to do things with. I am guessing part of your attraction to him is the fact that you've probably known that he has been like this for a long time. This makes him seem more attractive because he seems like he is out of your reach. The only way this ends well without you feeling like you wasted a bunch of time is to go completely no contact. You will meet someone soon who will hopefully share your goals. Good luck I know it is an easy letting go of someone you love. And to be honest you never know he could very well be back but I wouldn't count on it.
robaday Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Its interesting because my ex broke up with me for similar reasons - to her I wasnt committed enough. And now she has gone the other way completely, playing around, party girls, the polar opposite of who she was or what she wanted. And from the little I have heard from her she isnt happy either, it will be a year in June, and she hasnt had a relationship since me, and she definitely has made several attempts to see me over last two months. Guess what Im saying is.....with more guys putting off marriage, and the amount of time it does take someone to actually be ready to settle down - are you convinced if you break up with this guy you will be any closer to what you want than with him? While I understand your biological clock is ticking, it is highly unlikely you will be able to break up with this guy and get married and have kids in the next 3 years.......it will take you a year to heal from this relationship, then another two to build another serious one...... 2 years is not a great deal of time to be ready to make that final commitment (marriage and kids) most people I know are together for at least 3-5 years before they tie the note, most longer.....just saying
NapoleonNotSheep Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I would be together for at least 5 years before I would think about getting married. And at least 7 years for kids. Because longer that you are together less likely you will break up. At least thats what I think. But of course it depends how old are you.
candie13 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 it has nothing to do with time, girl, it's got to do with people. Are you the one for him, the one he wants to grow old near? Apparently not. And that is the main point. he is moving on, too, meeting other people, initiating contact, sending texts... you know better. It is hard to let someone go, but he already chose, I am afraid. Cut your losses now and move on. And don't ask yourself how to start, just do it. Leave. No contact. There you go. it's not guaranteed that you'd find someone ready to marry you and give you children, but staying with someone who doesn't want that won't get you any closer to your end of the deal. best of luck, keep posting.
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