genuinelyloverly7 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I think that it is totally dependent on what kind of guys you date, a little bit dependent on where you live, and mostly how you interpret their actions through the lens of your past experiences. Sure there must be a percentage of the men in your past that this is true for, but they cannot have all be for that reason. That is like a woman saying that all men leave her because she is big/hairy/pale/dark, when it is more likely that some of those men leave her because she is so preoccupied with her size/color/body hair/whatever. Sure there are men out there who date women that they perceive to have self esteem issues, so that they can get what they want while the woman is figuring out that she is being emotionally hosed. Then when it gets too uncomfortable, he will move on and she will be wondering why he left. The only responsibility we as women have is to know that we are Goddesses, and that somewhere out there is the man we want, who will want us and show us in the way we need. (I don't know your religion or belief system, but really feel the Spirit of whatever Energy you acknowledge inside you, shining through you, and then that blend shining through your physical being! It will do wonders because how could that light not be beautiful?) I have to say as a Redheaded female who dated dark-skinned men, I secretly worried that they would all leave me for a 'real' relationship with a darker skinned woman so that they could have a more secure family relationship later. Most men will let you believe whatever you want when you confront them on this kind of thing, if they don't really want to be with you for longer than the 'get-it-on.' You are creating the perfect storm to cover his tracks as he leaves. All love, all respect to your beliefs. I hope this helps.
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Why would you want to date a white guy? They're lame! The girl I hang out with is a halfie, and she's super cute. But if she had the same features that she has but with dark skin, I would be all about that, too. She just happens to be light, but her skin tone doesn't mean much to me. is this supposed to make me feel better? if you wanted a dark woman you'd be with one but you're not
kaylan Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Oh come on now, Kaylan. Most guys will take any sex they can get - even if it IS with someone they don't consider girlfriend material. That's why they'll sleep with 'fat chicks' or single moms or someone of another race, etc. etc. even though they have no intention of getting serious with them. This is just another instance of guys willing to sleep with someone they don't see as 'girlfriend' material. Nothing new there. Youre missing the point. Im talking about WHY they dont consider those girls girlfriend material. Nothing you said proves what I said wrong. Me using a chubby girl for sex, but not dating her seriously, makes me a shallow user...the same way someone would likely look like a dikbag with issues regarding race if they can use certain races for sex, but never date them seriously. It makes the person look like they think theyre too good for the girl in both cases...and if you think youre too good to date someone based on their race, but will gladly sleep with them.... Tell me how that looks? Its nothing new that people do this. But people seem so uncomfy talking about it. I could easily show you some threads online that will make you shake your head with the way people choose dating partners. Its as much about their own personal attraction to a mate, as it is about keep up appearances for society and worrying about what others think. Why in the world do you think guys like ThaWholigan get contacted by white couples, and asked by the bf if ThaWholigan will do his gf and let him watch? And these are usually women who never have nor ever will openly date a black guy. Tell me...what does that say about how some people view other races of people? Edited March 20, 2013 by kaylan
Revolver Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 She kinda has a point. For alot of white men when they say they like or are attracted to black women they only mean lightskinned Black women. Like Paula Patton, Alicia keys, Halle berry, Stacey dash etc.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 There's this really hot dark-skinned nurse, that works here. She gets plenty attention. I am from the South. This is more an issue on what features you desire more about a person, then not. All races judge for a potential mate, certain features. With that said: As long as she's got a great attitude -who in the nine hells cares? But I guess I fall under the OPs. As I prefer mixed girls...my ex was gorgeous mixed girl. However, I loved her not for these, but dueto her attitude at the time. OP should cease worrying over color; find a guy who will love her mind, not her skin-color.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Black women are told to date out in order to expand our options. So that's what I am doing. But I find that I am still competing with lightskin black women and they have the edge. Im very frustrated. They are getting the black men I want and the white men. What do I do?? People of all walks of life are not getting what they want. Some are just lucky to be gorgeous, wealthy, lucky, etc. If you're getting that feeling like you've been screwed by nature or circumstances out of your control, you have to learn how to develop some internal blinders to it because it's unhealthy to dwell on measuring your lack of success against hat seems to just come to others. I've had to do this because I have had recurring obesity problems through my 50 plus year life and I could feel the difference in the way people would treat me between when I was "normal" in weight and plain ole heavy. Slim--"hey Jim, come sit next to us" fat--"crickets". I know it sucks and it sounds like an over-simplification but that what imperfect-looking people have to do. And if you ask me black is beautiful. My longest LTR was with someone dark and round and who cut her hair almost to the root. She had a big high butt but her face and personality made up for everything else other people might take points off for. We we lovers and lived together for 5 years. The only this you can change is your positive energy and some cosmetic stuff like what you wear and how you wear it. 1
crude Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I guess you have to do what all people, male or female, regardless of the color, do when they're not considered to be attractive. Just accept it and live with it, doing the best you can. Whoopi Goldberg accepted her looks, bettered herself, made lots of $$$ and status, and now can get hot guys.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 so where does that leave me?? i guess i'll have to die alone This is about more than color. I'd say it's an attitude/self-esteem issue. Or depression. Get help for yourself before even trying to date.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 i'm not a happy person at all. I am very angry and bitter about life and everything else. sometimes i can't wait to get old and just die. i feel like death would be better than this life sentence i am living. i feel like a prisoner in this darkskin. i am just being punished for something i have no control over Sorry your thread got hijacked. But reread wrote you wrote above, and tell us why ANYONE of ANY color would date you? Get help. 2
salparadise Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 MissJones, there are basically three facets to your problem. The most troublesome is you fatalist attitude. It's true based on OkCupid's analysis of popularity with respect to ethnicity and gender that black women have a harder time attracting dating partners based on messaging patterns. OKC Race Research I believe this is a pretty objective indicator of how much of the problem is attributable to race. Light and dark skin aren't differentiated, but I don't believe this is nearly as important as overall attractiveness quotient of the individual person. Black women overall get replies to 34.3% of the messages they send, which is considerably higher than the overall response rate for males in any category. Everyone has multiple characteristics that make them more or less attractive. Physical attractiveness is huge for everyone, everywhere. Personality, attitude, socialization and character are equally important. Each of these can be improved to some degree through awareness and self improvement efforts. The key to is that you have adopted a fatalist attitude and convinced yourself that your skin color makes you so unattractive that no man will ever be interested in you. And, by attributing all of it to skin color you have taken away all of your personal power and decided instead to be a victim of circumstance. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think of yourself as unattractive then you're sending out that vibe and people will be put off by it. If you carry yourself with an air of self-confidence and self-esteem, relate to people in a positive, friendly manner, and generally transmit the message that you are attractive and valuable then other people will see that in you. Even the most physically beautiful people will repel others if they transmit a negative vibe. The realistic way to view you situation is the same as it is for everyone. You have to make an effort to optimize the natural gifts you were given, disregard factors that you have no control over, and go out there and be social and connect with positive people. It really doesn't matter where you rate relative to anyone else, only that you be the best you can be and whenever you interact with anyone make sure they feel better for having crossed your path. In other words, adapt yourself to the world and the way things are. Focusing on the one thing you cannot change, and projecting all of your woes onto that factor, is a strategy for absolving one's self from from any responsibility for one's hardship (being a victim), but it's maladaptive because doesn't make change happen. Change how you think and it will change who you are and how you relate to the world and the world to you. 1
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 MissJones, there are basically three facets to your problem. The most troublesome is you fatalist attitude. It's true based on OkCupid's analysis of popularity with respect to ethnicity and gender that black women have a harder time attracting dating partners based on messaging patterns. OKC Race Research I believe this is a pretty objective indicator of how much of the problem is attributable to race. Light and dark skin aren't differentiated, but I don't believe this is nearly as important as overall attractiveness quotient of the individual person. Black women overall get replies to 34.3% of the messages they send, which is considerably higher than the overall response rate for males in any category. Everyone has multiple characteristics that make them more or less attractive. Physical attractiveness is huge for everyone, everywhere. Personality, attitude, socialization and character are equally important. Each of these can be improved to some degree through awareness and self improvement efforts. The key to is that you have adopted a fatalist attitude and convinced yourself that your skin color makes you so unattractive that no man will ever be interested in you. And, by attributing all of it to skin color you have taken away all of your personal power and decided instead to be a victim of circumstance. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think of yourself as unattractive then you're sending out that vibe and people will be put off by it. If you carry yourself with an air of self-confidence and self-esteem, relate to people in a positive, friendly manner, and generally transmit the message that you are attractive and valuable then other people will see that in you. Even the most physically beautiful people will repel others if they transmit a negative vibe. The realistic way to view you situation is the same as it is for everyone. You have to make an effort to optimize the natural gifts you were given, disregard factors that you have no control over, and go out there and be social and connect with positive people. It really doesn't matter where you rate relative to anyone else, only that you be the best you can be and whenever you interact with anyone make sure they feel better for having crossed your path. In other words, adapt yourself to the world and the way things are. Focusing on the one thing you cannot change, and projecting all of your woes onto that factor, is a strategy for absolving one's self from from any responsibility for one's hardship (being a victim), but it's maladaptive because doesn't make change happen. Change how you think and it will change who you are and how you relate to the world and the world to you. It's not in my head or my fatalist attitude. It IS my skin tone. Most men do not find me worthy or deserving of a relationship because of my race and skin tone. I have a self defeating attitude because of the bullshyt I have to put up with because of how I look. If I were white or lightskin I'd be a lot happier and be in a position to feel better about myself. But I don't. If every man seems to view you as a bootycall just based on your race, how can I develop a positive atittude??? I can't. I have nothing to be happy about. I have no value or worth to most men. It's utterly frustrating
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 People of all walks of life are not getting what they want. Some are just lucky to be gorgeous, wealthy, lucky, etc. If you're getting that feeling like you've been screwed by nature or circumstances out of your control, you have to learn how to develop some internal blinders to it because it's unhealthy to dwell on measuring your lack of success against hat seems to just come to others. I've had to do this because I have had recurring obesity problems through my 50 plus year life and I could feel the difference in the way people would treat me between when I was "normal" in weight and plain ole heavy. Slim--"hey Jim, come sit next to us" fat--"crickets". I know it sucks and it sounds like an over-simplification but that what imperfect-looking people have to do. And if you ask me black is beautiful. My longest LTR was with someone dark and round and who cut her hair almost to the root. She had a big high butt but her face and personality made up for everything else other people might take points off for. We we lovers and lived together for 5 years. The only this you can change is your positive energy and some cosmetic stuff like what you wear and how you wear it. This doesn't make me feel better in the least bit. Black women are always somebody's live in lover...never a respectable wife or anything. That is what I am trying to get away from..being somebody's babymomma or forever live in girlfriend. you lived with that woman for five years and never married her...that sucks
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 salparadise gave you some excellent advice. You may choose to ignore it, your call. Why come here for help if your mind isn't open?
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I guess you have to do what all people, male or female, regardless of the color, do when they're not considered to be attractive. Just accept it and live with it, doing the best you can. Whoopi Goldberg accepted her looks, bettered herself, made lots of $$$ and status, and now can get hot guys. so a woman's race and skin color just makes her ugly be default now?? i look no different from lighterskinned women i'm just a different coloring. but i guess that makes me unattractive like Whoopi Goldberg
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 salparadise gave you some excellent advice. You may choose to ignore it, your call. Why come here for help if your mind isn't open? Changing my attitude is not going to change the fact that most men leave me for lightskinned women. It's not. Bleaching my skin is the only option
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I guess it is. It did wonders for MJ. Spend your life, and your money, being something you're not. Let us know how that works out for ya. Now I'm starting to think there are some critters under the bridge, waiting for me to feed them. Gotta go, good luck.
Author MissJoness Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I guess it is. It did wonders for MJ. Spend your life, and your money, being something you're not. Let us know how that works out for ya. Now I'm starting to think there are some critters under the bridge, waiting for me to feed them. Gotta go, good luck. Being myself is not enough. If you're darkskin and you notice that EVERY man prefers a lightskin woman what are you going to do?? stay the way you are even though its getting you nowhere?? I have to do something about this. I am absolutely miserable and unhappy. I have been depressed about my skin tone and attempted suicide many times in my life because of it
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Being myself is not enough. If you're darkskin and you notice that EVERY man prefers a lightskin woman what are you going to do?? stay the way you are even though its getting you nowhere?? I have to do something about this. I am absolutely miserable and unhappy. I have been depressed about my skin tone and attempted suicide many times in my life because of it Their advice about your self-image is spoton. You've seen a therapist yet? Have you tried other areas, other then bars as a pickup? You only ever attract what you're worth. What I mean is: If you feel devalued all the time, you attract people, who will devalue you. You're drawing happiness(lack thereof), from others' view of you....Instead of feeling great about who you are, and not caring of others's view. As well, if you see or want to see something...or believe in it enough -all you will see. You are self-hating, and your mindset has become sick. Seek help...your life is more valuable then flesh...that one day will be bones.
salparadise Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Changing my attitude is not going to change the fact that most men leave me for lightskinned women. Perhaps you're making progress... this time you said, "most" as opposed to all. How many men in this lifetime do you actually need to not leave? Bleaching my skin is the only option What if you bleach your skin and the next guy, or next three guys leave anyway? Will you think it's because it's still not light enough or will you go for breast implants or a nose job next? Also, consider that if you're a dark skinned black woman then most of the other women on the planet are lighter skinned that you, so it only stands to reason that most of your ex's next partners are going to be lighter skinned. I am a light skinned white man, and most of my ex's end up with men who are darker than me. It's only reasonable to assume that would be the case. Identifying a correlation absolutely does not make it a causal relationship. Even if your assumption were correct, all you need is ONE good exception. If you convince us that such exceptions do not exist, then what will you have achieved? However, if you think differently and convince yourself that exceptions do exist, then you'll be in the game just like the rest of us... looking for one wonderful person who will appreciate us just for who we are.
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 is this supposed to make me feel better? if you wanted a dark woman you'd be with one but you're not Well, its not like I had the choice between a dark-skinned woman and a light-skinned woman and I chose the light. There are a lot of reasons we started hanging out that had nothing to do with anything physical....as in, we already knew each other. What I am saying is that if I met/knew the same girl, same features, same personality, etc that I would be just as into her. I've hung out with a handful of black girls in my time, some light, some dark, some inbetween. Skin tone is the last physical feature that I care about. If guys arent digging on you, they might not be attracted to you for some reason other than skin tone. If you're attractive, fit, sexy, etc and guys still aren't coming after you, it might be something you're projecting, attitude, or some other thing that you might not be aware of. How would you rate yourself on an attractiveness scale?
Revolver Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 But ill say that This idea that someone's attitude is the reason they're not as successful in dating/relationships as they want is a joke lol
ThaWholigan Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 But ill say that This idea that someone's attitude is the reason they're not as successful in dating/relationships as they want is a joke lol No its not a joke, its very real. Let them ignore it to their continuous peril just to be "right". 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 No its not a joke, its very real. Let them ignore it to their continuous peril just to be "right". You know, I reached a point in life where I had to drop people out of my life - the ones who whined constantly about not being dealt a fair hand. Whether it was regarding looks, relationships, work, family. The ones who complained without doing one thing to help themselves. Gone, they are. And I am so much happier for not being for being dragged down by them. Life is too short, surround yourself with positive people. Amen. 2
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 But ill say that This idea that someone's attitude is the reason they're not as successful in dating/relationships as they want is a joke lol Really? Are you desperate or something? Anybody who isn't desperate isn't going to willingly sign up for some junk-ass attitude. So, to keep it relevant to the topic....in college, I used to hang out with this girl Tamika. She was about as dark as you could get. She was so dark that when she had night classes, the teacher always marked her absent. OK? Dark, but gorgeous on so many levels. Problem was, her attitude sucked. She was bad, knew she was bad, and thought she had carte blanche to treat people however she pleased. Know what I did? Stopped hanging out with her very quickly, and then started hanging out with a white girl. Because she was lighter? Nope. Because her attitude wasn't s**tty.
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 But ill say that This idea that someone's attitude is the reason they're not as successful in dating/relationships as they want is a joke lol Yeah, because I so want to be with someone, who is constantly down. Always complaining...and flakes over any trouble that comes. Attitude is everything to the proper man. Looks, money, or other statuses only matter to the immature.
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