KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 What other bad things? Well for starters: 1. Criticizes your personality 2. Uses "breaking up" with you as a manipulation tactic to get YOU to change 3. Blows hot and cold 4. Stonewalls you 5. Picks and chooses when he even talks to you. You're on HIS time, not the other way around. Look up "emotional abuse." These things DO happen.
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 At the end of the day, if he treated you "so well" and was such a great boyfriend, you wouldn't be sitting here month after month, FROM DAY ONE NO LESS, asking us "Is what he's doing right?" "My boyfriend's acting weird!" "He's dating me but still talking to other women!" It's time to really open your eyes here.
snowflakes88 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I know by doing this, he is not treating me well. And we're going to talk about that and I'm going to explain to him how it's not right. He's doing it because in his mind it's ok. If he knew it were wrong he wouldn't do it. Of course he knows it's wrong. He did it because he thought you wouldn't find out - and now that you have, it'll be a different profile on a different site, so on and so forth. Any adult with half a brain knows that Match.com is for SINGLE people looking to date, and that you shouldn't be looking for dates if you're already in a relationship. You know he knows better.
ja123 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 There's not a lot we can do for you, Brunettie. Your mind is made up and you're going to stay with this guy come what may. For whatever reason (fear of being alone, low self-esteem, etc.) you're in a quagmire of 'codependency'. Why don't you try looking up that word sometime. Good luck. 2
Author Brunettie Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 There's not a lot we can do for you, Brunettie. Your mind is made up and you're going to stay with this guy come what may. For whatever reason (fear of being alone, low self-esteem, etc.) you're in a quagmire of 'codependency'. Why don't you try looking up that word sometime. Good luck. I know what that means. And I've not made up my mind.
pbjbear Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 We talked about it on the phone a few minutes ago. He reiterated that it was because of his concerns, and that he's not been on there in a few weeks. Says he hadn't been on there, before the rough patch, in a very long time. He says that while he still has those concerns, they are fading. He said basically, it is what it is. If we have another rough patch down the road he's not promising that he won't go browse. He swears it is deactivated. And he also said, which I did not like, "At the end of the day, what I do is my business. If I want to message someone, then I will. If I don't want to, then I won't." This is all just really weird.. this is unlike him. I asked him if he did want to be with me and he said yes. I've yet to get an apology. Go work on your self esteem. Are there any women out there with brains and self esteem anymore? What women tolerate today and the extent to which they go to excuse and enable ****ty male behavior astounds me. This guy is emotionally cheating on you and planning to physically cheat on you as well at some point. He doesnt apologize. Excuse my bluntness, but grow some ****ing balls and dump him Listen, Guys treat you the way you DEMAND. Not the way you DESERVE. Being a nice, cool, supportive girlfriend gets you nowhere. Men will walk all over you if you do that without sticking up for yourself an refusing to tolerate such shady dishonest behavior. Seriously, go see a mental health counselor and work on your self esteem. You need it 4
runningfar Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I hope you're dumping him. It was soo far past the boundary of ok and him trying to pretend he doesn't recognize that just magnifies it much worse
aliceb1987 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 You are in the exact position i was in about 4 years ago with an ex. His previous girlfriend messaged me on facebook telling me in detail what he was like...i didn't listen. My friends told me he had been inviting them round,messaging them,saying suggestive things to them...I didn't listen. I found webcam pictures he had been sent on his computer of girls in their underwear,activity on dating sites and facebook...I didn't listen I found messages to a girl on a dating site arranging a hook up...I didn't listen. I found postcodes to girl's addresses on his SATNAV....FINALLY,i listened. I was young and did not know what i do now, so gave him the benefit of the doubt and ignored all the warning signs throughout the two years we were together. I spent all this time gathering 'evidence' against him.Although i 'had it out' with him about every issue that arose,he played me and i forgave him every time. But i never forgot each and every discrepancy ...and became a A* detective because underneath i didn't trust him one bit. I wasted a long time and experienced alot of heartache over a lying, manipulating cheat.Of course i should've seen the red flags at the start,but i was naieve,young and in love. OP although i do not wish any of that on you, and unfortunately i am pretty certain your relationship will take an identical course,i totally understand that you probably need to experience it for yourself. I am the first to give out relationship advice to others but have and still do make some silly mistakes in my own love-life.I realise that when you are in the position it is practically impossible to see it objectively. Whatever you decide,i hope you are not caused all the heartache i was. You live and you learn.x 2
ScreamingTrees Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You are in the exact position i was in about 4 years ago with an ex. You live and you learn.x Some people just learn the hard way, unfortunately.. And some people *still* don't learn with a few slaps in the face. I don't understand it, whether I was to be born with a clam or a bone in my pocket I'd never settle for abuse and disrespect, but, whatever.
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I know what that means. And I've not made up my mind. Work on a healthy boundary. The one that says you deserve better than this!
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Well, we broke up. I'm sure everyone on this thread is relieved. lol. 3
ascendotum Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Good on you. I made a smartass post earlier, but you did the right thing. Prospecting online when in a relationship is a pretty skeezy thing to do, but then getting the response.."At the end of the day, what I do is my business. If I want to message someone, then I will", for me anyway would be like getting the middle finger back.
curlygirl40 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Well, we broke up. I'm sure everyone on this thread is relieved. lol. Most of the posters who were trying to help you on this thread were just trying to get you to see something that you couldn't see yourself. I liken giving advice to helping a mouse in a maze. When you're far away from the situation, it's easy to see where the person is going wrong. When you're IN it, you can't see it. You never said who broke up with who, but either way it's for the best. I predict the further you get from the situation you will have more clarity and therefore you will learn and grow and demand more for yourself the next time. It's a new day! 1
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Well, I wanted to go over to talk, because we hadn't really gotten to talk too much about it yet. So I went over yesterday. He was upset about how I reacted. He said I just asked question after question.. like 'when was the last time you went on?' 'who did you talk to? stuff like that, instead of asking WHY he went on there. He flat out told me why (networking) so I had no reason to ask..I told him that. When I found out, I was quiet for awhile before talking about it, and he didn't like that. I needed time to process and think before I just spat out words.. Then he goes on to say..out of nowhere "when I'm with you, I want to hug you, kiss you..I like to be with you. but when I'm not with you, I don't miss you or really think about you. I don't know if it's because I'm busy at work, or what..but we need to take a 1 month break. I need to see how I feel at the end of the month. If I miss you. Then at the end of the month we can talk about this again and see if we still want to be with each other." That's the first time I had even heard anything about that. Which hurt more than the situation I was dealing with with Match.. So we're doing NC for a month...and then we'll see what happens. It's not exactly easy right now but...
ascendotum Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Okay so its just a break, not quite a breakup. For sure he is going to be going back to those OLD prospects from the other week (sleeping with others is not cheating when you have a breakup right). If he finds someone better, he wont come come back, or maybe extend the break for longer so he can squeeze in some more women. Don't rely on him to sustain this relationship. Start looking for better options yourself during this break.
anna121 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Well, we broke up. I'm sure everyone on this thread is relieved. lol. Well, actually you didn't. He decided to take a one-month break. (Whatever that means.) And you just acquiesced. He is in total, complete control of the situation. In a perverse way, it's actually fascinating. Question: what are YOU going to do on this "break"? 2
ChessPieceFace Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 He is in total, complete control of the situation. In a perverse way, it's actually fascinating. Also hard to believe. So many of the threads and posts I've seen on here lately seem like complete fiction to me.
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Well, actually you didn't. He decided to take a one-month break. (Whatever that means.) And you just acquiesced. He is in total, complete control of the situation. In a perverse way, it's actually fascinating. Question: what are YOU going to do on this "break"? Isn't that the same thing? And I'm not going to sit at home moping, I'm going to go out and meet people too.
curlygirl40 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 This is beyond rediculous. You're going to let him control your life like this? I don't want anything to do with you for a month (and in this time you bet your A$$ he's going to be pursuing women on Match) and then after that month I will decide if I have missed you enough (or replaced you) to keep dating you. F that noise. Oh this makes me so mad I wish I could shake you. 2
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 This is beyond rediculous. You're going to let him control your life like this? I don't want anything to do with you for a month (and in this time you bet your A$$ he's going to be pursuing women on Match) and then after that month I will decide if I have missed you enough (or replaced you) to keep dating you. F that noise. Oh this makes me so mad I wish I could shake you. What? I said I wasn't going to sit around moping and I was going to meet other people too.. I don't understand why you're mad at me
Minneloa Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 OP, why did you agree to this one-month break? Serious question.
ja123 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 What? I said I wasn't going to sit around moping and I was going to meet other people too.. I don't understand why you're mad at me I think what she's frustrated about is that you're still letting this guy call the shots. It's all on his terms: taking a month off so he can now legitimately see other women. Say whaaa? Grow some b*lls, girl, and dump this toad!
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 OP, why did you agree to this one-month break? Serious question. I don't know. I really love him. and he's not the one calling all the shots. At the end of the month, I get a say on whether I want to get back together or not too.
ja123 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 You are allowing your "love" of him to colour your perception of reality. He is not invested in you. He's just using you to fill-in time and for sex, until he finds someone better. Meanwhile, you are way too invested in someone who ultimately doesn't really give a damn about you (oh sure, he's good sometimes when it's convenient for him), so you're going to sell yourself short and give-give-give until you've nothing left, and all the while think if you could just be a little better and give a bit more, then he'll change and see what a great gal you are, and love you. He will not change, and you will be heart-broken and possibly with many years lost to something that never was. Take heed of some of the advice you are receiving here. Some of us have made these mistakes and we know what the upcome will be. You perhaps won't listen and have to learn the hard way for yourself. That's up to you. But somewhere in your heart, Brunettie, you know you are being treated right; otherwise, why would you bother posting? We could all say that this is a great guy, knock yourself out, but you'd know we'd be lying wouldn't you? 1
Author Brunettie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 He just texted me... Hi, My name is ------ and I just saw your profile on Match.com. What the heck????????????????? What is that????????
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