veggirl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 What's really telling to me, is that OP comes here looking for advice. Posts a thread in which we can all see her boyfriend is a loser, a liar, a cheater. Treating her like a doormat, and she responds like two times, the first to post, the next to let us all know she spoke to him on the phone. I see her basically accepting his excuses, ignoring all of us, and just staying with him. There's going to be no surprise when she's back on here confused and devastated as to why she was dumped. Yep, we likely won't hear from OP again on this matter until she needs more help, like when her bf is exchanging nude photos or something with another girl. Very sad. She is just clinging to something that is not even there and she doesn't care. She WANTS to accept his excuses, she wants him to give them to her so she will have a reason to stay and not be alone.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I don't think she's the normal average woman. Look at all us women who clearly see him for what he is? Are we all abnormal? There's always a disconnect. You don't see this guy's charms or personality or in-person appeal, you see mostly just the list of problems. So while the OP may not see him for who he is, none of us do either.
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I don't think she's the normal average woman. Look at all us women who clearly see him for what he is? Are we all abnormal? I'm not a normal woman? Lol. I'm pretty sure I am. I don't want to accept his excuses. I want to sit down, in person, with him and discuss this. On the phone he is very different than he is in person. In person he is way way more sensitive and understanding. In person, he would have NEVER said, "at the end of the day what I do is my business ... " never ever ever. And at the end of the day, what he does IS his business, however this is OUR business because it directly affects me as well. There's always a disconnect. You don't see this guy's charms or personality or in-person appeal, you see mostly just the list of problems. So while the OP may not see him for who he is, none of us do either. Yes. This is just a list of problems. His list of amazing qualities is so long I can't keep up with it. I really think talking in person will help. We spent the past week and a half together, and it was so amazing. We went out, he planned a surprise for me, brought me a flower, we goofed around and laughed all evening, it was great. but we do have to still have another talk about this.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I'm not a normal woman? Lol. I'm pretty sure I am. I don't want to accept his excuses. I want to sit down, in person, with him and discuss this. On the phone he is very different than he is in person. In person he is way way more sensitive and understanding. In person, he would have NEVER said, "at the end of the day what I do is my business ... " never ever ever. And at the end of the day, what he does IS his business, however this is OUR business because it directly affects me as well. Yes. This is just a list of problems. His list of amazing qualities is so long I can't keep up with it. I really think talking in person will help. We spent the past week and a half together, and it was so amazing. We went out, he planned a surprise for me, brought me a flower, we goofed around and laughed all evening, it was great. but we do have to still have another talk about this. You do realize these are more excuses don't you? 2
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 In person, he would have NEVER said, "at the end of the day what I do is my business ... " never ever ever. OK so what does that prove? That he hides behind a computer or a text message? Can't be real to your face? I really think talking in person will help. We spent the past week and a half together, and it was so amazing. We went out, he planned a surprise for me, brought me a flower, we goofed around and laughed all evening, it was great. You know what, he can be as AMAZZZZINGGGG as he wants. If he's cheating on you behind your back, it negates everything. I bet you anything he will. My ex was sooooo amazing as well. We spent all our time together, we went out, he cooked me dinner, he bought me flowers, we laughed. Yeah, too bad he was sneaking around behind my back. Cheating on me. Lying to me. That's what these guys do. Too good to be true? It usually is. Especially with all the red flags you posted here... you're just trying to justify and rationalize his behavior. I can guarantee this will not end well for you. 1
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Oh well in that case, since he brougth you a flower, then you should certainly forgive the fact he has been trolling around online for other girls. OP wake up. What is there left to discuss? He already did this. you are sending the message to him that its okay. This is what will happen -- you willsee him in person, he will say he is sorry and that he'll delete it. Then 3 mo from now you'll catch him on there again, or worse actually real-life cheating on you. Pathethic. He did not bring me a flower because I found out. That was a week ago, having to do with the surprise. I'm not sending him the message that it's ok. It's not ok. It's got to stop. If he does in fact want to be with me like he said he does, then it has to stop. And he's not gone out with any women. He said he hasn't and I know everyone here will call him a liar, but he isn't a liar. When I brought this up, he never tried to make an excuse or say it wasn't true. So when he said he didn't go out with anyone, I believe him. Also, that one "Hello" message he sent was it. There was no conversation.
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 He did not bring me a flower because I found out. That was a week ago, having to do with the surprise. I'm not sending him the message that it's ok. It's not ok. It's got to stop. If he does in fact want to be with me like he said he does, then it has to stop. And he's not gone out with any women. He said he hasn't and I know everyone here will call him a liar, but he isn't a liar. When I brought this up, he never tried to make an excuse or say it wasn't true. So when he said he didn't go out with anyone, I believe him. Also, that one "Hello" message he sent was it. There was no conversation. Can you just go back and re-read all of your threads here? what about any of them sounds like he wants to really be with you? He's coasting. Plain and simple. He's cruising for other girls. If he doesn't cheat on you, that'll be the silver lining. But he WILL wind up leaving you for someone he finds to be a better fit for himself. You're not Ms. Right. You're Ms. Right Now. 1
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Have the talk if you want. If that's whats going to make you feel better. But know this. Honest, genuine, loving, caring and respectful men do not act like this. They don't. You can have all the "talks" you want. You can threaten him, say if he does it again he's done... but it won't do anything. He'll take his sneakiness even further underground. Leaving his Facebook page open? You can bet your a.ss you'll never have access to his page again. He will never be so careless as to leave what he does behind your back laying around. If this is your "dream" relationship and what you want to marry, then that's your choice. But just know there will always be paranoia, lack of trust. You'll always be looking over your shoulder, trying to sneak into his e-mail or catch a glimpse of his phone just to make sure he's not doing this behind your back again. This is NO way to live in a relationship.
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 It's easy to say "dump him, dump him, he's a jerk!" When it is someone else's relationship you are talking about. It's easy when the post thread is about a problem, and has a list of what is wrong and what are the problems. That is showing only that negatives. No one knows him, no one knows the good qualities, the great experiences, etc. And I know, more of you are going to say I'm trying to make excuses. I'm not. This doesn't really even have to do with my post really. I'm just saying it's easy to say that stuff when it's about someone else and when all you are reading is the negatives and problems. Of course only those 2 things would make anyone say "dump him!"
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It's easy to say "dump him, dump him, he's a jerk!" When it is someone else's relationship you are talking about. It's easy when the post thread is about a problem, and has a list of what is wrong and what are the problems. That is showing only that negatives. No one knows him, no one knows the good qualities, the great experiences, etc. And I know, more of you are going to say I'm trying to make excuses. I'm not. This doesn't really even have to do with my post really. I'm just saying it's easy to say that stuff when it's about someone else and when all you are reading is the negatives and problems. Of course only those 2 things would make anyone say "dump him!" SMH. I had the same mentality when I was going through exactly what you're going through with my ex. Everyone said the same thing. Dump him. Leave him. He's not being good to you. How are you putting up with that. But I was in love. So did I listen? Of course not. I thought we had something we didn't. I thought we were special. I thought we'd get through our problems. Where did that leave me? Cheated on. Lied to. Dumped for someone else. It left me broken. Insecure. No confidence. If my future self could go back in time and have a conversation with my past self, you can bet your a.ss I would have dumped my ex the first time he started waving those red flags in my face. Instead here I am. Finally putting my life back together after being emotionally destroyed. I don't even trust people anymore. I most certainly don't trust men. And I hope to God I can find a sliver of trust when I finally start dating again, but it's hard because now I'm aware of the cold, hard reality of what goes on with guys, and how they act... and I'm seeing it right there with you and your guy. I'm not just going on some haunch and telling you it's going to end badly, I'm telling you that it is A GUARANTEE that you will NOT be the winner in this situation. You will not marry this guy. You will not magically wake up and have a wonderful relationship with him. You have been plagued with doubt with him from DAY ONE. But this is a lesson only you can learn, and you WILL learn. I feel it's quickly approaching as well. You're going to hate yourself. You're going to be stuck in the anger stage for quite a while. Regretting not dumping him when you should have, trying to figure out when your standards for relationships got so low. You think you're an exception. You're nothing but the rule. You will see in time.
cherrypum Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 you cant force him . if he dont see it himself he will stay on that website. you dont know him that long so you can still break up
Janesays Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Liars never quit lying. They just become better liars and quit getting caught. You deserve to find this out the hard way. My only request is when this guy teaches you are HARD lesson about who to trust and when to walk away, you don't let your pride keep you from posting here and letting us all know we were right. You can do some real good by admitting your mistakes and talking to the next idiot that is in a similar situation and is getting ready to make a similar mistake. See you soon. 1
kaylan Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Hypocritical. Most women constantly keep a pool of men as dating options. You guys had problems, he messaged someone. He didn't cheat. This probably falls into the category of things most people do but keep it to themselves. If you also knew what people were thinking at all times, I'm sure you'd be mad at most of them. Wtf are you talking about? Yes women keep options when they are SINGLE. But to say most do this when they are in relationships is a far reaching statement. Are you some sort of telepath who can read people minds to see what options they have? Who cares if this guy didnt cheat. No man or woman is trustworthy imo, if they run to talk to other people as soon as you hit a little rough patch. Wheres the loyalty? Whenever I had rough patches with exes or girls I super liked, I didnt start running after other women right away. I would focus on WHY things got so bad in your relationship that he'd want to look for other options. Note that this would also include whether he might be lying to you about this incident being isolated. So my advice: - Don't bring it up anymore. Focus on improving your relationship. - While doing that, either snoop on his computer again and/or make a fake profile on match to see if this incident was isolated or not. If it was isolated, the above advice applies. But if he's just a lying scumbag then it's time to end it. I look for loyal women with integrity. If things ever got so bad in a relationship of mine, and I felt the urge to talk to other people because of it, Id become single first. I wouldnt disrespect my morals or relationship by sneaking around.
kaylan Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active. If you dont leave him now, then you deserve all the hurt thats coming because you coulda prevented it. Honey, you deserve a man who loves, honors, and respects you....go find him.
snowflakes88 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 You need to sit down with a grown man face to face to make him understand it's not okay to be your boyfriend and simultaneously look for his next gf on a dating site? Really? 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Sounds to me like he's at least trying. If she wants to stick it out and see what happens that's her decision. He didn't cheat. OP, I'd still keep an eye on his activities though.
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Sounds to me like he's at least trying. If she wants to stick it out and see what happens that's her decision. He didn't cheat. OP, I'd still keep an eye on his activities though. How does it sound like he's trying? Just wondering. sorry if it's plain as day. I had my wisdom teeth out this morning and I'm hyped up on pain killers right now. And before anyone asks, he did call to see how it went and how I was feeling.
veggirl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Would you ever do this to your bf, go online trolling for other guys? No, cause you love him and respect him. So why did he do it? Does it show any love or respect for you to be doing this? It's not even just this, I guess one screw up can be forgiven but look at your history with him. This is not a man who respects or loves you... 3
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Would you ever do this to your bf, go online trolling for other guys? No, cause you love him and respect him. So why did he do it? Does it show any love or respect for you to be doing this? It's not even just this, I guess one screw up can be forgiven but look at your history with him. This is not a man who respects or loves you... Besides this, he's not really done anything though. (Other than nearly calling things off) I know I made posts of wondering about contact, him not contacting me for a day, or taking a long time to reply to a text, but that's not really anything too big of a deal.
kaylan Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Keep makes excuses for him. When youre hurt and alone, youll remember what your guy is telling you now.
veggirl Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Well it looks like your mind is made up, I'm not really surprised although it is disappointing to see another girl forgiving another guy for something that is really disrespectful and inexcusable. I'm not sure how you can even trust him after this, esp when he basically said "whatev I'll do it if I want"--now any time you have any "bump in the road" you will be wondering/worrying if he is trolling dating websites for new girls. I noticed you very selectively respond to only certain comments/questions, is it because you just don't want to think about the other points that are made or something? I feel sorry for you, honestly. Perhaps we're ALL wrong, you're right it is easier to tell someone else "dump him" than it is to actually DO IT, but just remember we treat people how to teach us, and you're teaching your bf that this behavior is acceptable. I hope your talk goes well and he actually ACKNOWLEDGES that he is WRONG to do what he did. If he sweeps it under the rug, you can expect it to happen again for sure
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 OP, staying with him is your own choice. We've all warned you. You really should NOT be in any way shape or form surprised when he: 1. Dumps you (COMPLETELY out of the blue ) 2. You find out he left you for someone else 3. You find out that someone else is from Match.com
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 she's in lust with him. he's demonstrating what it takes to keep a woman in today's world. treat her wrong mostly but once in a while be nice and shes falling for it hook, line, sinker. In this case, he treats me well mostly but once in awhile does something. This is really the only bad thing. I know I've posted about him not calling me one day, or similar things like that, but he does treat me well. I know this is a big deal. I know by doing this, he is not treating me well. And we're going to talk about that and I'm going to explain to him how it's not right. He's doing it because in his mind it's ok. If he knew it were wrong he wouldn't do it. Which as some have said "you have to sit a grown man down and tel him that's wrong?" I know, but I want to at least try that. I noticed you very selectively respond to only certain comments/questions, is it because you just don't want to think about the other points that are made or something? No. There are over 100 comments on here, I can't possibly reply to all of them. If someone asks me something, or says something I don't really understand I'll reply. Or if the comment is something I need to comment on to clarify or something.
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 And we're going to talk about that and I'm going to explain to him how it's not right. He's doing it because in his mind it's ok. If he knew it were wrong he wouldn't do it. OK, but I'm just confused as to why you're even bothering "sitting down to talk about this." As far as he's concerned... you guys have already talked. He already told you what the deal was. And that was: 1. I'm not doing anything wrong. 2. What I do is my own business. 3. If I want to talk to girls on Match, I'm going to. YOU see that it's wrong. HE does not. Hence why there is no apology, hence why he will CONTINUE DOING WHAT HE'S DOING whenever he feels like it. The only time, and I'm going to stress the word "ONLY" that a guy will change, is if he has consequences to his actions. What consequence has he had? None. He walks all over you, you stay. To him, you're something to take advantage of. You're weak. You're naive. Guys like him PREY on girls like you because you're easy. You don't stand up for yourself, you don't set boundaries, you don't respect yourself. So... he does not respect you. He doesn't particularly care either way if you like what he's doing. He's already said so much. So I'm curious as to what you think this "talk" is going to accomplish? It's nothing but wasted breath on your end. You can't "get him" to see what he's doing is wrong. He either gets it himself, or he doesn't. He doesn't.
Author Brunettie Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 I read through your previous threads and he's done lots of bad things. you wrote about them in previous threads. but let's just look at the current bad thing. he wasn't just on the dating website. he was sending messages to a woman. how can anyone not see such a thing is wrong? honestly, is this really the best you can do? What other bad things?
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