MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 ChessPiece had a really good post, where did it go? About addressing your own behaviors over the course of nine months. Great post, wish I'd written it.
yessy21 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Dump his A** he is defenitley still active on the site. sorry you wasted 9 months.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 ChessPiece had a really good post, where did it go? About addressing your own behaviors over the course of nine months. Great post, wish I'd written it. Erased it due to mistaken posting identity. Basically: OP, I admit that the things your BF are saying and doing raise serious concerns. The women here want to blame everything on your BF - that's the easy way out, but not very wise. You've posted 19 help threads in 9 months, including posts where you were freaking out over seemingly small things like a momentary drop in communication, or types of communication. Whether or not your BF / current relationship is worthwhile, I believe you have personal issues that need to be addressed, so they don't wreck future relationships. I wouldn't act the way your BF is acting with regard to dating sites. However, if my GF required constant reassurance that "everything is fine" and questioned the motives of everything I did, I'd want to bail after 9 months too.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Erased it due to mistaken posting identity. Basically: OP, I admit that the things your BF are saying and doing raise serious concerns. The women here want to blame everything on your BF - that's the easy way out, but not very wise. You've posted 19 help threads in 9 months, including posts where you were freaking out over seemingly small things like a momentary drop in communication, or types of communication. Whether or not your BF / current relationship is worthwhile, I believe you have personal issues that need to be addressed, so they don't wreck future relationships. I wouldn't act the way your BF is acting with regard to dating sites. However, if my GF required constant reassurance that "everything is fine" and questioned the motives of everything I did, I'd want to bail after 9 months too. Actually I agree with this. 1
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 ChessPiece had a really good post, where did it go? About addressing your own behaviors over the course of nine months. Great post, wish I'd written it. Of course one should always address their own behaviors and see what they're contributing to the relationship. But at the end of the day it takes TWO to have a successful relationship. There was drama and problems with this match from DAY 1. Is the OP an insecure, clingy, and paranoid person in every day life? No one here knows. We also don't know if it was her boyfriend's behaviors that were making her insecure and paranoid. Her bf has been playing the hot and cold game for a while. Not speaking for a few days, then coming back and acting weird/aloof/cold, then saying he loves her, then saying he has doubts and concerns about the relationship, then agreeing to stay together, then knocking the OP down and criticizing her personality and behaviors. Waffling behavior like this would chip away at ANYONE'S security and my ex did the same thing to me, and he did it to me so he could make me into what HE wanted. He didn't want a girlfriend who was herself, he wanted to mold me into a person who spoke a certain way and acted a certain way in front of his friends. And if I didn't live up to that expectation he had, he would do the same thing OP's boyfriend is doing. Threatening a break up. After a while you're so insecure, you're so low, you feel so worthless that you start believe YOU'RE the problem, YOU'RE the issue, YOU'RE the one who has ruined the relationship, YOU'RE the one who has to change, YOU'RE the reason for everything. That's where the OP is heading. 1
yessy21 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Erased it due to mistaken posting identity. Basically: OP, I admit that the things your BF are saying and doing raise serious concerns. The women here want to blame everything on your BF - that's the easy way out, but not very wise. You've posted 19 help threads in 9 months, including posts where you were freaking out over seemingly small things like a momentary drop in communication, or types of communication. Whether or not your BF / current relationship is worthwhile, I believe you have personal issues that need to be addressed, so they don't wreck future relationships. I wouldn't act the way your BF is acting with regard to dating sites. However, if my GF required constant reassurance that "everything is fine" and questioned the motives of everything I did, I'd want to bail after 9 months too. He is at most fault, 1.) for being active on his account 2.) for not addressing his own problems in the relationship 3.)for not being willing and able. she seems to be noticing things ... instincs are kicking in and she gets confused and wonders. but its not because she has issues... its because he is not being 100%. and she can possibly feel it. He is probrably like "what? ur thinking crazy?"
Babolat Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This behavior of his to go run and hide and talk to other women after a rough patch is indicative of the future. And last time I checked, once Match.com is deactivated, you do not receive emails and notifications. So, unless you want to shack up with a cheater, I would end the relationship as expeditiously as possible. Actually, you do. My account has been deactivated/closed/cancelled for over a year and I still get daily emails from match. If I open one of them, it's shows me as "Active in 24 hours" even though I did not log into the site. So I simply delete all of them every few weeks without opening them.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Actually, you do. My account has been deactivated/closed/cancelled for over a year and I still get daily emails from match. If I open one of them, it's shows me as "Active in 24 hours" even though I did not log into the site. So I simply delete all of them every few weeks without opening them. Wrong. Your account is NOT "deactivated" on Match if it remains "visible." Period. People can still contact you, and if you get an email that you're able to READ, then you're also still a paying/subscribed member. To truly deactivate your profile means TAKE IT DOWN. When it's no longer visible, there are no emails, no winks, no "Online now!", not searchable...you cease to exist in the online dating world. 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Wrong. Your account is NOT "deactivated" on Match if it remains "visible." Period. People can still contact you, and if you get an email that you're able to READ, then you're also still a paying/subscribed member. To truly deactivate your profile means TAKE IT DOWN. When it's no longer visible, there are no emails, no winks, no "Online now!", not searchable...you cease to exist in the online dating world. Sounds as if someone was confusing "deactivated" with "hidden".
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Sounds as if someone was confusing "deactivated" with "hidden". Who? Me? Nope. Deactivated means not available via OLD. Period. If your profile is visible, you can be contacted via the OLD site. You're still appearing to be available.
Babolat Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Sounds as if someone was confusing "deactivated" with "hidden". I receive emails from match.com, not from individual users. Special offer emails, matches emails. That's it. No winks, no searches, no user emails. If I log in, which I can still do even though I did deactivate my account 13+ months ago, it shows me as Hidden. My GFs account is the exact same way. Google this, it's a major complaint with Match. Some suggest Match does it on purpose to lure you back in. Neither of us are paying/subscribing members either.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I receive emails from match.com, not from individual users. Special offer emails, matches emails. That's it. No winks, no searches, no user emails. If I log in, which I can still do even though I did deactivate my account 13+ months ago, it shows me as Hidden. My GFs account is the exact same way. Google this, it's a major complaint with Match. Some suggest Match does it on purpose to lure you back in. You're contradicting yourself. You can't be shown as "Active within 24 hours" if your profile is hidden.
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 OK guys, really enough with the bickering about Match and "Deactivating" vs. "Hiding." This is a moot point to this thread because the OP's boyfriend has already ADMITTED to talking to new girls. He's admitted to everything. So it's not as if she saw the "Active within 24 hours" notice and it turned out it was a mistake. He's on it. He's searching. He's talking. He finds nothing wrong with it. 3
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Who? Me? Nope. Deactivated means not available via OLD. Period. If your profile is visible, you can be contacted via the OLD site. You're still appearing to be available. No, not you. The person you set straight.
MidwestUSA Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 OK guys, really enough with the bickering about Match and "Deactivating" vs. "Hiding." This is a moot point to this thread because the OP's boyfriend has already ADMITTED to talking to new girls. He's admitted to everything. So it's not as if she saw the "Active within 24 hours" notice and it turned out it was a mistake. He's on it. He's searching. He's talking. He finds nothing wrong with it. And, actually, he started out this way back in June. Although then is was called "keeping his options open". I had time to go back and read.
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 And, actually, he started out this way back in June. Although then is was called "keeping his options open". I had time to go back and read. This is where communication comes into play. It's so obviously OP is on one page, and her boyfriend is in another book entirely. OP is dreaming of engagement, boyfriend is out chatting up new women. His options have been open from day one, and he's fine with it. OP you won't change him. It's down to the wire, and down to YOU now. Is this what you're willing to accept? (Just know that an engagement, and a trustful relationship is NOT in the cards for you and this guy.) 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He is at most fault, 1.) for being active on his account 2.) for not addressing his own problems in the relationship 3.)for not being willing and able. she seems to be noticing things ... instincs are kicking in and she gets confused and wonders. but its not because she has issues... its because he is not being 100%. and she can possibly feel it. He is probrably like "what? ur thinking crazy?" I can say with little doubt that the OP has self-esteem issues, by simple logic. 19 help threads in 9 months worrying about what her guy is doing and what it means. One (or both) of the following is the case: 1.) She's constantly worried about and scared of little things she shouldn't worry about (meaning self-esteem issues.) 2.) She stayed with a guy for 9 months she's had constant and legitimate problems with from the start (meaning self-esteem issues.) Is this guy the greatest guy ever? LOL, far from it. But when he's out of the picture she'll still have to deal with her issues, to have a better relationship next time. Overcoming these self-esteem issues will: A.) Prevent her from requiring constant positive feedback and obsessing over the smallest things, and B.) Allow her to believe she deserves someone better to begin with. 3
Babolat Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 You're contradicting yourself. You can't be shown as "Active within 24 hours" if your profile is hidden. I am not going to debate you. All I know is what I see. I saved all of my gfs match.com emails from when we met 13+ months ago. If I open a new email from match.com, then go look at one of those old emails from 13+ months ago it shows me as Active in the last 24 hours (under my photo in the old email). If I then do not open any new emails and continue to check the old emails with my gf it will go to Active with 3 days, to 5 days to 3 weeks.
Babolat Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I can say with little doubt that the OP has self-esteem issues, by simple logic. 19 help threads in 9 months worrying about what her guy is doing and what it means. One (or both) of the following is the case: 1.) She's constantly worried about and scared of little things she shouldn't worry about (meaning self-esteem issues.) 2.) She stayed with a guy for 9 months she's had constant and legitimate problems with from the start (meaning self-esteem issues.) Is this guy the greatest guy ever? LOL, far from it. But when he's out of the picture she'll still have to deal with her issues, to have a better relationship next time. Overcoming these self-esteem issues will: A.) Prevent her from requiring constant positive feedback and obsessing over the smallest things, and B.) Allow her to believe she deserves someone better to begin with. Codependency...read "Codependency No More" for help. It's been helping me. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Ouch. That's rough. But since it was an accident that you found out about this, and he did in fact confirm that he is still on the website and he is messaging others through this website, I would move on, honestly. Better that you found out about this now rather than later, even though it's rather painful. People lie online and it's bad when you find out about it.
veggirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 OP honestly do you think this guy is even half as invested in this R as you are? He basically told you "I will go on Match if I want to, take it or leave it". He has no respect for you and he says those things because he knows you will stay regardless. What if one of those women responded and wanted to meet? He'd have gone, if he hasn't already. 2
Tally123 Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Wow this guy really is something else isnt he! What I took from him saying that it's his business who he talks to was that basically if he wants to emotionally cheat on him then he will, and basically there is nothing you can do about it. You have become his doormat! Please get rid of this fool!
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 What's really telling to me, is that OP comes here looking for advice. Posts a thread in which we can all see her boyfriend is a loser, a liar, a cheater. Treating her like a doormat, and she responds like two times, the first to post, the next to let us all know she spoke to him on the phone. I see her basically accepting his excuses, ignoring all of us, and just staying with him. There's going to be no surprise when she's back on here confused and devastated as to why she was dumped.
Fugu Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 It's possible to still have a profile or an account, but that account shouldn't be active, and there sure as hell shouldn't be any messaging involved. Sorry, but I think you know the truth. As people say, it is what it is. It's just a matter of what you're going to do about it. The fundamental question you must ask yourself is, do you deserve better treatment from a boyfriend? I think most people would say yes, but you have to decide that for yourself. I'm sure that the idea of being alone is a fearful prospect, but sometimes, people are just better off alone.
KatZee Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 I don't think she's the normal average woman. Look at all us women who clearly see him for what he is? Are we all abnormal?
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