man_in_the_box Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He's not clueless, just pretending to be clueless. It's a common strategy: "Oh, lol I had no clue what I was doing is wrong". Most of them know better.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This behavior of his to go run and hide and talk to other women after a rough patch is indicative of the future. This. If his knee jerk reaction is to chase other women instead of talking to you and trying to work things out with you, you really have no future. 3
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) This. If his knee jerk reaction is to chase other women instead of talking to you and trying to work things out with you, you really have no future. Yep. Exactly what I came on here to say. So instead of him communicating with you and getting through the rough patch, he runs right back to Match.com, reactivates his profile, searches for new women and messages them. I wouldn't spend one more second with this person. He's definitely prone to cheating, he won't be a person you can rely on to get through rough times in life and in a lasting relationship. We truly do live in a throw away society. Edited March 20, 2013 by KatZee 3
ScreamingTrees Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hypocritical. Most women constantly keep a pool of men as dating options. You guys had problems, he messaged someone. He didn't cheat. This probably falls into the category of things most people do but keep it to themselves. If you also knew what people were thinking at all times, I'm sure you'd be mad at most of them. I would focus on WHY things got so bad in your relationship that he'd want to look for other options. Note that this would also include whether he might be lying to you about this incident being isolated. So my advice: - Don't bring it up anymore. Focus on improving your relationship. - While doing that, either snoop on his computer again and/or make a fake profile on match to see if this incident was isolated or not. If it was isolated, the above advice applies. But if he's just a lying scumbag then it's time to end it. Things probably didn't get that bad at all. If it was that bad, if he was truly into her, he'd have been more than willing to work it out. It would've been a true commitment, where failure would not be an option unless it truly couldn't be helped on either side, which is a rather rare occurrence, no? Something difficult to get over, like one partner having a ****ty criminal record where they can't find a sustainable job, ect..
Author Brunettie Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active.
ScreamingTrees Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active. Well, in all sincerity, he sounds like a real piece of **** douchebag. If I was your brother, I would've punched his face in. Give him a good slap for me, and kick him to the curb. 1
venusianx13 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Without reiterating what I went through for 6 years with a guy who would pull these kinds of stunts, I will tell you what I learned, and hopefully it will aid in giving you some courage: 1.) Ending a relationship with someone you are attached to is scary and painful, but it passes, and in doing so, you open the door to MUCH MORE HAPPINESS. 2.) By prolonging it or hanging in there, waiting for things to change, you form further unecessary and detrimental attachment. It gets harder to break free as time goes on. 3.) There IS someone out there who is a much better fit for you. 4.) You are being incredibly unkind to yourself. Think of the advice you would give to a cherished friend who was faced with a similar dilemma. BE your own good friend. 5.) He's already proven what he's capable of, and he WILL continue to engage in these behaviors. 6.) By staying, you are inadvertently showing him (and anyone else who might know the situation) that you are not worthy of respect. I really, really hope you'll be smarter than I was. I wasted most of my 20's on a guy who was not right for me. 5
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active. Honey - you're single now. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Dude, if you're in a sitch where you feel the need to snoop, keep tabs, and try to bait him into cheating then you're in a pretty crap relationship. Who wants to live in a constant state of suspicion? You should always have some suspicion. Humans lie. Unless you're with someone of exceptional moral character, they're probably going to lie to serve their own best interests and that could include stuff like this. What's the alternative in her case? If she ends it, how is that better? No one here has the authority to tell her to end it based on the info so far, and thinking you do is far worse. I'm not talking about sustained surveillance, I'm talking about infrequent poking around because he's given her the cause to do so. Things probably didn't get that bad at all. If it was that bad, if he was truly into her, he'd have been more than willing to work it out. It would've been a true commitment, where failure would not be an option unless it truly couldn't be helped on either side, which is a rather rare occurrence, no? Something difficult to get over, like one partner having a ****ty criminal record where they can't find a sustainable job, ect.. You're making a big assumption, which is that the OP's report of the situation was a verbatim and unbiased account of reality. That's far-fetched. You're never going to get the full story from one side. It's always going to be biased and IMHO the OP sounded like they were glossing over things. My advice was based on the probability that problems in the relationship may run a lot deeper than she let on. Those could very well lead a good guy to start looking at his options.
ScreamingTrees Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Without reiterating what I went through for 6 years with a guy who would pull these kinds of stunts, I will tell you what I learned, and hopefully it will aid in giving you some courage: 1.) Ending a relationship with someone you are attached to is scary and painful, but it passes, and in doing so, you open the door to MUCH MORE HAPPINESS. 2.) By prolonging it or hanging in there, waiting for things to change, you form further unecessary and detrimental attachment. It gets harder to break free as time goes on. 3.) There IS someone out there who is a much better fit for you. 4.) You are being incredibly unkind to yourself. Think of the advice you would give to a cherished friend who was faced with a similar dilemma. BE your own good friend. 5.) He's already proven what he's capable of, and he WILL continue to engage in these behaviors. 6.) By staying, you are inadvertently showing him (and anyone else who might know the situation) that you are not worthy of respect. I really, really hope you'll be smarter than I was. I wasted most of my 20's on a guy who was not right for me. Yes, I would already inherently agree with most of these points and I've never even been in a proper relationship. Although a #3 sort of mindset could actually lead towards one becoming more like the douchebag in OP's situation. Sure, you never remain in a ****ty relationship, but that doesn't mean to think of people as disposable in general, that's a **** attitude that will fuel **** relationships.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active. This guy is douche bag! He's holding onto you until somebody hotter or has more money comes his way. He's a cheater probably looking for side action maybe. Men like this ruin it for the good guys. Edited March 20, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
ScreamingTrees Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) You should always have some suspicion. Humans lie. Unless you're with someone of exceptional moral character, they're probably going to lie to serve their own best interests and that could include stuff like this. What's the alternative in her case? If she ends it, how is that better? No one here has the authority to tell her to end it based on the info so far, and thinking you do is far worse. I'm not talking about sustained surveillance, I'm talking about infrequent poking around because he's given her the cause to do so. You're making a big assumption, which is that the OP's report of the situation was a verbatim and unbiased account of reality. That's far-fetched. You're never going to get the full story from one side. It's always going to be biased and IMHO the OP sounded like they were glossing over things. My advice was based on the probability that problems in the relationship may run a lot deeper than she let on. Those could very well lead a good guy to start looking at his options. Meh, how am I making a big assumption? He's still got a dating profile 9 months later, and it's active. Unless the relationship was established on the grounds that it wasn't a mutually exclusive relationship, how is it anything but a fair and valid assumption that he's probably not faithful? "Tired of the games.." He sounds like a real game player, honestly. He consciously typed those words, while in a relationship. He's looking, if he hasn't already found what he's looking for.. Edited March 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) You should always have some suspicion. Humans lie. Unless you're with someone of exceptional moral character, they're probably going to lie to serve their own best interests and that could include stuff like this. What's the alternative in her case? If she ends it, how is that better? No one here has the authority to tell her to end it based on the info so far, and thinking you do is far worse. I'm not talking about sustained surveillance, I'm talking about infrequent poking around because he's given her the cause to do so. You're making a big assumption, which is that the OP's report of the situation was a verbatim and unbiased account of reality. That's far-fetched. You're never going to get the full story from one side. It's always going to be biased and IMHO the OP sounded like they were glossing over things. My advice was based on the probability that problems in the relationship may run a lot deeper than she let on. Those could very well lead a good guy to start looking at his options. I would never be in a serious, committed relationship if I thought he could/would cheat on me. And she's going to end it BECAUSE THE DUDE HAS AN ACTIVE PROFILE ON A DATING WEBSITE! Do you not consider this a deal-breaker? Really?! This is like, rule/boundary #1. Jesus. Edited March 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Author Brunettie Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 I feel sick. I also feel stupid. Here I am thinking about marriage, looking at engagement rings, etc. and he's out doing this.
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Well, I just searched for his profile. It's been recently updated. It's got new pics, some of which I have taken. He told me it's deactivated but you can still browse profiles (which is true) however, he said " Tired of games and tired of people who play them. So unless you really want to get to know me, don't bother." which sounds like he in fact IS able to receive messages... And if he is, then his account is active. Sweetie, his account is active. There's no debating that. I also went and visited all of your past threads. Your boyfriend has been weaning himself off this relationship for months now. A breakup is in your VERY near future the fact he's now on it again, searching, updating, and actively talking to other women. He's essentially getting his ducks in a row, waiting for a fall back and when he finds her, you'll be done. The evidence is all here. He hasn't been interested in the relationship for quite some time and is stringing you along. You have the information you need. WHY are you staying? You shouldn't want to be with someone who has little desire to be with you, who's always finding fault with you, who contemplates breaking up with you and holds it over your head. This relationship is done. 3
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I feel sick. I also feel stupid. Here I am thinking about marriage, looking at engagement rings, etc. and he's out doing this. I'm genuinely confused as to why you're thinking marriage, engagement, rings... when for the past 3-4 months has been genuinely disinterested in this relationship. He said back in January he wanted to break up with you... You're honestly in the "getting to know you" period. Not the period in which you can determine if he's seriously marriage worthy, and after his comments for the past few months, it's so clear engagement isn't even on any horizon with you guys... 2
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) I feel sick. I also feel stupid. Here I am thinking about marriage, looking at engagement rings, etc. and he's out doing this. Im sorry OP that your going thru this. It's better to find out now what he's really like then later. Edited March 20, 2013 by Soxfaninfl 2
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Meh, how am I making a big assumption? He's still got a dating profile 9 months later, and it's active. Unless the relationship was established on the grounds that it wasn't a mutually exclusive relationship, how is it anything but a fair and valid assumption that he's probably not faithful? "Tired of the games.." He sounds like a real game player, honestly. He consciously typed those words, while in a relationship. He's looking, if he hasn't already found what he's looking for.. You're making even more assumptions now. He didn't delete the profile - big deal. It's active - that could be because it's recently active due to their problems, not that he was on it before then. You don't know. You don't know anything about the guy other than the words she typed in this thread. You have no basis for telling someone to end a relationship. I, on the other hand, told her to snoop and get more info about the situation before taking that drastic action. You know, taking actions once you have all the info? That's called good advice.
curlygirl40 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I feel sick. I also feel stupid. Here I am thinking about marriage, looking at engagement rings, etc. and he's out doing this. It's not going to be easy, but you need to dump him and don't look back. Knowledge is power. And now you know, so you can't pretend not to know. Stand up for yourself, view this as a lesson learned and move on with dignity. Don't even give him the time of day to be able to 'explain' himself. Just be done. You deserve better. 1
venusianx13 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 You're making even more assumptions now. He didn't delete the profile - big deal. It's active - that could be because it's recently active due to their problems, not that he was on it before then. You don't know. You don't know anything about the guy other than the words she typed in this thread. You have no basis for telling someone to end a relationship. I, on the other hand, told her to snoop and get more info about the situation before taking that drastic action. You know, taking actions once you have all the info? That's called good advice. Okay, fair enough, but the bigger picture is this: A loving, commited relationship should never leave you feeling "sick" or "stupid" as the OP has stated she feels, and has unfortunately felt for months leading up to this. It's simply not a healthy relationship. Bottom line.
KatZee Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 You're making even more assumptions now. He didn't delete the profile - big deal. It's active - that could be because it's recently active due to their problems, not that he was on it before then. You don't know. You don't know anything about the guy other than the words she typed in this thread. You have no basis for telling someone to end a relationship. I, on the other hand, told her to snoop and get more info about the situation before taking that drastic action. You know, taking actions once you have all the info? That's called good advice. All you need to do is read her past threads. The guy is completely disinterested in the relationship and now he's active on Match again. With an updated status, updated pics, and welcoming people to message and get to know him. There are no assumptions here. He's been trying to work his way out of this relationship for a while now. And honestly, the OP is being made a fool of. She's going through the relationships trying to change, putting in the effort, and he's just going through the motions. Snoop? You advise snooping? Worst advice I've ever seen given here. It's called being an adult. Sit down and have an HONEST conversation. If she can't get the answers she's looking for, if he's dancing around questions, waffling, not sure if he wants to leave or stay, she needs to LEAVE. 7
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 That is totally not ok, tell him either delete it or you're done! Make him delete it in front of you.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 That is totally not ok, tell him either delete it or you're done! Make him delete it in front of you. That's just controlling and authoritative. That attitude shouldn't exist in a healthy relationship either. Why snoop? (And limited snooping at that.) Because he's given her cause, that's why. People here just LOVE making negative assumptions about the other party and telling people to end their relationships over anything. It's like the bread and butter of this forum. Pitiful. "My boyfriend issued an ultimatum demanding that I delete my profile in front of him, and said he would break up with me if I didn't" - when a woman posts THAT in a thread you'll tell HER to end the relationship too, I'm sure, citing the boyfriend''s demands as controlling and unreasonable, contradicting your own advice. Ridiculous. OP, you're here because you care about the relationship. I looked at your other threads. I will say 2 things: - It seems like your BF is ready to move on - It seems like you have constantly questioned everything from day 1 You started 19 help threads in 9 months of dating. So every other week you were concerned enough to ask total strangers "is this normal? is this ok?" about any little thing that happened, such as how and when he messaged you, etc. I will go out on a limb and say that you seem to have serious issues with needing your partner to CONSTANTLY reassure you with positive feedback that everything is OK. Any little bump or miscommunication and you panic. Maybe it's a self-esteem problem, maybe something else. I would seriously look into trying to address your issues before you get into any other relationships. I think your mindset sabotaged things from the beginning.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 That's just controlling and authoritative. That attitude shouldn't exist in a healthy relationship either. Why snoop? (And limited snooping at that.) Because he's given her cause, that's why. People here just LOVE making negative assumptions about the other party and telling people to end their relationships over anything. It's like the bread and butter of this forum. Pitiful. "My boyfriend issued an ultimatum demanding that I delete my profile in front of him, and said he would break up with me if I didn't" - when a woman posts THAT in a thread you'll tell HER to end the relationship too, I'm sure, citing the boyfriend''s demands as controlling and unreasonable, contradicting your own advice. Ridiculous. OP, you're here because you care about the relationship. I looked at your other threads. I will say 2 things: - It seems like your BF is ready to move on - It seems like you have constantly questioned everything from day 1 You started 19 help threads in 9 months of dating. So every other week you were concerned enough to ask total strangers "is this normal? is this ok?" about any little thing that happened, such as how and when he messaged you, etc. I will go out on a limb and say that you seem to have serious issues with needing your partner to CONSTANTLY reassure you with positive feedback that everything is OK. Any little bump or miscommunication and you panic. Maybe it's a self-esteem problem, maybe something else. I would seriously look into trying to address your issues before you get into any other relationships. I think your mindset sabotaged things from the beginning. Wrong again - I'd ask her what the hell she's doing with a DATING PROFILE if she has a boyfriend. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Wrong again - I'd ask her what the hell she's doing with a DATING PROFILE if she has a boyfriend. And you'd also say her BF was controlling and authoritative to issue that kind of ultimatum.
Recommended Posts