Brunettie Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating 9 months. Today he left his facebook logged in on my computer and when I went to log out, I saw he had sent a message a few weeks ago to a girl saying he saw her on match.com and wanted to say hi. This of course made me mad. Because why on EARTH would he be on there??? And not only that, he told me a very long time ago he deactivated his account. (that is where we met) I of course asked him why he still went on match. He said, sometimes I get messages and notifications. So I said, ok but why are you talking to girls on there? And he said, well we had a rough patch a few weeks ago and I was really unsure about some things. Um, so? We never broke up. What happened was he voiced a few concerns he was having. And this was 3 weeks after that. He cannot fathom why I am upset, and it appears as though he is annoyed that I'm upset!!! He thinks it is perfectly ok. I don't even know what my question is, but what do I do/say? That is NOT ok right?
reptilelover88 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is so not okay, and you know it. Don't let him talk you out of how you rightly feel! This is a good reason to majorly rethink this whole 'relationship'. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Geee...i wonder why a guy would be logged into a dating site, messaging a woman? You know...i just can't think of one, I mean it couldn't possibly be because he's interested in other women! nooooo, I think this is something completely different! like...let me see....maaaaybe, he's just bored?...no no, maaaybe he's just umm...ok, what happened was there was this really urgent thing, and he had to login and tell someone that he knew, only through match.com...and he accidentally messaged the wrong girl Hi..that has to be it, I think I've got it figured out. Really Brunettie? what do you think he's doing on there? I'm not asking you how to travel through space here...what do you think he's on match.com for messaging for? obviously because he's keeping his options open. He knows EXACTLY why you are upset, he just got busted! the only thing he can do is pretend it's not a big deal, what else is he supposed to do or say? tell you the truth? yeah right...like that's gonna happen. There's nothing you he can or say to make this right, so if you want a convincing answer just keep pressuring him until he comes up with an excuse that you'll have to believe because you don't want to believe the reality. 5
ja123 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 This is terrible of him. First, it sounds like he doesn't know how to work through problems. So, he goes and gets his ego fix by chatting with another girl. Second, maybe that's not the first time he's used match.com since you've been dating. Maybe he's a serial cheater-type. And most probably, he's not that into you. I'd dump this toad.
Locust Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 (edited) If I was you I would tell him to hit the road jack because he is either not attracted to you and just lost interest or he is using you in the mean time till he finds a better girl on Match.com. Don't be a place holder, dump his ass now before you feel like **** later. Myself, I'm a guy if I never felt interested in a person I would never had proceeded the relationship. I would never do this to anyone, that is just me. Edited March 20, 2013 by Locust 1
creighton0123 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Calmly tell him that your finding out he was talking with other girls on match.com upset you and you would appreciate it if he didn't do it in the future and that, if you're in a rough patch and he's feeling insecure in the relationship, to come talk to you about anything and everything. Then, in the future, if things don't improve next time you have a "rough patch", consider it over. There's no reason not to express your anger and concern and then move on from the incident.
ja123 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Yeah but, creighton, he was on match 3 weeks after their dispute. Are you suggesting that she hang around for another few months until the next dispute, just to see if he goes on match again? She'd be wasting more of life away on this toe rag. He's using her until he finds someone else. She should dump him. He lies. He minimizes her feelings about his use of match, etc. 1
ScreamingTrees Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Worst case scenario, he's not that into you but might be getting GIGS as we speak? Perhaps you're the stepping stone in the meantime, while he's setting something up with someone who gets his panties wet? Just walk up to him, smile, and say "Honey, I apologize for how I'd acted. I feel terrible, honestly." And then feel free to chat with the cute guy that winked at you on facebook, or re-active your match.com profile. 1
ascendotum Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Geee...i wonder why a guy would be logged into a dating site, messaging a woman? You know...i just can't think of one, I mean it couldn't possibly be because he's interested in other women! nooooo, I think this is something completely different! like...let me see....maaaaybe, he's just bored?...no no, maaaybe he's just umm...ok, what happened was there was this really urgent thing, and he had to login and tell someone that he knew, only through match.com...and he accidentally messaged the wrong girl Hi..that has to be it, I think I've got it figured out. It looks bad at face value, but its a just fairly minor chain of events I reckon. * they were going through a bit of a rough patch and he had doubts about the relationship so he is not in his normal frame of mind * Match.com keep sending him these invites, tempting him with all these available women. He didn't go looking for it. This stuff is popping up on his screen all the time. * He just clicked on a couple, just to see...because he just wanted to see the crummy women on Match.com, so he feels good about his girl being way better than them. He was just a little down in the dumps over his relationship and this is a good way to make himself feel happier that he has made the right choice with his girl. Reconfirming his faith in the relationship. * He was a bored and said hi to someone. Just hi. Nothing sinister about 'hi'.
kaylan Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Dump him OP. He sounds like a guy that wont tough out situations with you. And he def sounds like hes prone to cheat.It looks bad at face value, but its a just fairly minor chain of events I reckon. * they were going through a bit of a rough patch and he had doubts about the relationship so he is not in his normal frame of mind * Match.com keep sending him these invites, tempting him with all these available women. He didn't go looking for it. This stuff is popping up on his screen all the time. * He just clicked on a couple, just to see...because he just wanted to see the crummy women on Match.com, so he feels good about his girl being way better than them. He was just a little down in the dumps over his relationship and this is a good way to make himself feel happier that he has made the right choice with his girl. Reconfirming his faith in the relationship. * He was a bored and said hi to someone. Just hi. Nothing sinister about 'hi'. Youre kidding right? Messaging girls from a dating site when you have a girlfriend is definitely sinister. Dude was planning something. He doesnt sound reliable or trustworthy at all. Wheres the loyalty? OP, find a guy who wont go trolling for other women as soon as you guys have a problem.
Lani Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I agree that you should get out now. He clearly has problems. Whether that be with you, or himself, it's not something you should have to deal with. His jerkish behaviour doesn't deserve your understanding or acceptance.
truth_seeker Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 He's not your boyfriend. He's a guy working you. 1
Author Brunettie Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 He's not your boyfriend. He's a guy working you. What do you mean he is working on me?
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 What do you mean he is working on me? He's working you over.
veggirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Even if you somehow excuse the "hi" message...which no one with any self-respect would do!!.....how do you explain the fact that he LIED to you for NINE MONTHS about his profile being down? girl he's been playing you ALL this time. he has been messaging girls for 9 months and you just caught him this time. why did he lie about his profile being down when it wasn't...he didn't want you to know he was still on the prowl for other girls. Dump him and get an STD test. he's a lying POS and a cheater to boot. 7
ja123 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 So, what are you going to do about this, OP? Are you going to stay and buy into his crap? Or are you going to walk?
veggirl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 btw do you REALLY think that you caught him the "one" time he did this? really like what a lucky coincidence...hell no, he has been doing this for 9 months and is just now getting caught. please don't be willingly naive. 2
ChessPieceFace Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hypocritical. Most women constantly keep a pool of men as dating options. You guys had problems, he messaged someone. He didn't cheat. This probably falls into the category of things most people do but keep it to themselves. If you also knew what people were thinking at all times, I'm sure you'd be mad at most of them. I would focus on WHY things got so bad in your relationship that he'd want to look for other options. Note that this would also include whether he might be lying to you about this incident being isolated. So my advice: - Don't bring it up anymore. Focus on improving your relationship. - While doing that, either snoop on his computer again and/or make a fake profile on match to see if this incident was isolated or not. If it was isolated, the above advice applies. But if he's just a lying scumbag then it's time to end it.
Treasa Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 I'm going to take a guess that this is the same guy that you've pretty much been having problems with since the beginning, which was last summer. It seems that he's often doing something that you don't like, or he wants you to change who you are, or you are unhappy about or questioning something about your relationship. You're 21, and at last count you still live with your parents, right? I think you should get rid of this guy, focus on you and your schooling, get a job and move out and become independent, and then start dating again. There are some aspects of maturity that come along with being responsible for yourself, and with that maturity comes boundaries and self-respect (hopefully). I really don't think this guy is right for you, and I think you're trying desperately to fit a square peg into a round hole. 7
Drseussgrrl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Hypocritical. Most women constantly keep a pool of men as dating options. You guys had problems, he messaged someone. He didn't cheat. This probably falls into the category of things most people do but keep it to themselves. If you also knew what people were thinking at all times, I'm sure you'd be mad at most of them. I would focus on WHY things got so bad in your relationship that he'd want to look for other options. Note that this would also include whether he might be lying to you about this incident being isolated. So my advice: - Don't bring it up anymore. Focus on improving your relationship. - While doing that, either snoop on his computer again and/or make a fake profile on match to see if this incident was isolated or not. If it was isolated, the above advice applies. But if he's just a lying scumbag then it's time to end it. Dude, if you're in a sitch where you feel the need to snoop, keep tabs, and try to bait him into cheating then you're in a pretty crap relationship. Who wants to live in a constant state of suspicion? 4
Soxfaninfl Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating 9 months. Today he left his facebook logged in on my computer and when I went to log out, I saw he had sent a message a few weeks ago to a girl saying he saw her on match.com and wanted to say hi. This of course made me mad. Because why on EARTH would he be on there??? And not only that, he told me a very long time ago he deactivated his account. (that is where we met) I of course asked him why he still went on match. He said, sometimes I get messages and notifications. So I said, ok but why are you talking to girls on there? And he said, well we had a rough patch a few weeks ago and I was really unsure about some things. Um, so? We never broke up. What happened was he voiced a few concerns he was having. And this was 3 weeks after that. He cannot fathom why I am upset, and it appears as though he is annoyed that I'm upset!!! He thinks it is perfectly ok. I don't even know what my question is, but what do I do/say? That is NOT ok right? This guys is ****ing clueless. I would be pissed my GF did the same. It amazes me sometimes that people can be this clueless. 1
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