husband's internet use and looking at women he knows

[Sparty97]

I have taught in HS and College, I have several former students who are friends on FB and I take interest in their lives and careers. Some of these are young women, some men. My general policy for HS students is that I will not accept a friend request until they have been out long enough to have graduated from college. Additionally I do not initiate requests, I only accept or decline them. That said, I find the notion put forth by Angie that any prof who expresses an interest in his students outside of the classroom has a nefarious interest in them to be insulting. I am not saying that isn't the case with this man (browsing their profiles is a bit creepy), but to push that assumption on all men who work with young women is insulting.

[angie2443]

Thanks to everyone for opinions and advice. Just want to clarify a few things:

 

1. He has NOT befriended any of his students on facebook. This situation occurred because I looked at his facebook account and could see (in the search function) that he had looked up some of his students. You can look at profiles even if you're not "friends" with people. He is NOT friends (facebook or otherwise) with any of them, male or female. He does not have any dealings with students outside of school.

 

 

 

I still think looking up his students is odd. I'm older now and not in college anymore, but I know I wouldn't have wanted one of my professors checking our my FB profile (or equivelent)- unless I was attracted to him maybe. I also think, depending on your location, that this could get your husband in trouble. It's something to think about anyways.

 

Does he check out the guys in his class?

 

I think, anyways, that it might be more benificial for you to concentrate on his behaviors that make you feel unconfortable, as opposed to concentrating on the fact that he's around younger women.

 

Were you insecure before you met him, or was your gut telling you something regarding his checking out his students on FB?

[xxoo]

Does your husband know that you are bothered by him working with women of this age? I'm not defending him, but there is a reason you snooped, and the conversation would probably have gone much better if you'd gone to him with that concern directly instead of snooping. So maybe you should just go to him with that original concern now.

 

For the posters saying he could get in trouble....how? How would anyone know what profiles he looks at on FB? (unless they snooped on his acct and looked in the search field)

[secretjourney]

I still think looking up his students is odd. I'm older now and not in college anymore, but I know I wouldn't have wanted one of my professors checking our my FB profile (or equivelent)- unless I was attracted to him maybe. I also think, depending on your location, that this could get your husband in trouble. It's something to think about anyways.

 

Does he check out the guys in his class?

 

I think, anyways, that it might be more benificial for you to concentrate on his behaviors that make you feel unconfortable, as opposed to concentrating on the fact that he's around younger women.

 

Were you insecure before you met him, or was your gut telling you something regarding his checking out his students on FB?

 

 

I think it's somewhat odd too - that's why I posted However, I don't see how looking at anyone's publicly available facebook page could get him into trouble at work. Again, he is not facebook friends with these people.

 

I don't know whether he has looked at the profiles of male students. I only looked at his internet history this time because I was surprised to see that he was logged in to facebook, because we've both talked about how we never use it.

 

I do realize that I need to focus on his behaviour and not the environment he's in. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

 

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, however, is that there's a contradiction between me saying that I don't love the idea of him being around young, attractive women and me saying that I am not insecure. I think it's quite possible that someone can be secure in themselves, but if given the choice I think most of us would prefer that our partners not work with hot babes all day. A woman could have the greatest self-esteem in the world, but I'd be willing to bet that if she had to choose between her husband working next to Angelina Jolie or Mother Theresa all day, she'd pick the nun.

 

I don't take issue with my husband's career, and as I've stated, I don't think he's going to run off with a student. But of course it doesn't thrill me that he's around young women all day. I don't think that makes me insecure - I am just aware that he's exposed to a lot of good-looking women in an average day.

 

Do you think there's danger in numbers? I might argue that, surrounded by young women all day, he may be over-exposed to the point where, at least in that setting, it doesn't affect him. Hence his curiosity at home.

 

I was in the nightclub business for years, surrounded by very hot women in extremely skimpy outfits. After a while, you get numb to it in a work setting.

 

My point is simply that it's not very productive to project your concerns on to him. Stick with the relationship issues, some concerns there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[angie2443]

. I only looked at his internet history this time because I was surprised to see that he was logged in to facebook, because we've both talked about how we never use it.

 

!

 

Is he using it more than he stated? As far as getting into trouble at work, it would depend on where you guys are at, and how often he's checking out his students. I just can't see why he would be curious in his students like this unless there was an attraction. If I were in your husband's position, I don't think I'd be checking out my students on FB unless I had an attraction, or, unless the student became famous or something big like that. You can ask him, and then see what vibe you get from him when he answers.

 

For the record, I don't check young guys on FB. I was just trying to put myself in his position.

[secretjourney]

Does your husband know that you are bothered by him working with women of this age? I'm not defending him, but there is a reason you snooped, and the conversation would probably have gone much better if you'd gone to him with that concern directly instead of snooping. So maybe you should just go to him with that original concern now.

 

For the posters saying he could get in trouble....how? How would anyone know what profiles he looks at on FB? (unless they snooped on his acct and looked in the search field)

 

To say I am bothered by him working with young women is overstating it. I am just aware that he's around attractive young women much more than most middle-aged men are.

 

The reason that I snooped is because I was on facebook myself, and I saw that he was logged on too (I could see it because he and I are facebook friends). I was very surprised, because he's told me he NEVER goes on FB anymore. So it struck me as odd, which is why I snooped. I didn't do it because I have an underlying fear that he's cheating on me (I don't) or because I think he's after one of his students (I don't). I snooped because I found it strange that he was logged in to FB, and I impulsively checked his computer.

 

I know some other posters have expressed the concern that he might one day cheat on me. Well, yes, he might, just like anyone might, but that is truly not why I posted my original message. He does not have the character of a cheater.

 

I posted because of my fear (unconfirmed) that he might be fantasizing about students or other women he knows. As I stated before, I believe that there's a world of difference between thinking about something and actually doing it. But it still bothers me to think that he might be fantasizing about women he knows. That's what I was hoping to discuss in this thread. Where does fantasy cross the line into inappropriate behaviour?

[secretjourney]

I don't think I'd be checking out my students on FB unless I had an attraction, or, unless the student became famous or something big like that.

 

 

Yes. That's my point exactly. But my concern is not that he's going to do anything about the attraction. The reason I was posting is because I wonder if I am over-reacting to the possibility that he thinks some of the students are hot. Some of the posters who responded early in this thread suggested that I shouldn't worry about what goes on in my husband's head.

[xxoo]

Unless it is an obsession that is interfering with his attraction to you, or your sex life, I am in the camp of not worrying what goes on in his head.

 

FWIW, when my husband worked with attractive younger women, it never dawned on me that he would find them more attractive than he finds me. He's clearly in love with me. Does he make that clear to you, or not?

[angie2443]

Unless it is an obsession that is interfering with his attraction to you, or your sex life, I am in the camp of not worrying what goes on in his head.

 

 

If he's checking out his students on FB, it's not just in his head.

 

I look at these behaviors as an indicator of a person's charector. Secretjourney, do you feel it's healthy behavior to check out students on FB (in this situation, anyway)? Are you confortable being with someone who does this?

 

Please not, it's not being physically attracted to a young adult that I find odd. It's looking them up on FB (or whatever social media that one might use).

[CarboniteCammy]

I don't know if him working around young things would bother me, but I would get a bit concerned if he was checking out their facebook profiles. Why is he friends with them on Facebook, anyway? Does he use his FB page for keeping in contact with his students during the semester or something?

 

Is he sending them personal messages or posting on their walls? If so, is the content of the messages appropriate for a professor/student dynamic?

 

If your gut is telling you something is amiss, then you should probably discuss it with your husband.

 

Do you have his Facebook password? If not, I'd ask him for it and also be willing to hand over yours. That way, communication stays open and nothing is swept under the rug.

 

I think you have every right to know what he's into. People have stumbled upon their spouses having affairs and had less reason to doubt then you.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Edit- I was engaged several years ago to a man who was sending semi-inappropriate emails and messages to other women on MySpace (if that tells you how long ago) and through his Gmail.

 

I discovered that he had actually had several flings while we were supposed to be in a committed relationship and I always trusted him when he told me it was just harmless flirting.

 

Maybe I'm a bit less trustful then many when it comes to this kind of stuff because of that, but I do firmly believe that open communication and transparency is the way to dispell insecurity in relationships that are otherwise healthy and normal.

Edited March 21, 2013 by CarboniteCammy

[secretjourney]

Why is he friends with them on Facebook, anyway? Does he use his FB page for keeping in contact with his students during the semester or something?

 

Is he sending them personal messages or posting on their walls? If so, is the content of the messages appropriate for a professor/student dynamic?

 

If your gut is telling you something is amiss, then you should probably discuss it with your husband. People have stumbled upon their spouses having affairs and had less reason to doubt then you.

 

 

He is NOT friends with any students on facebook. I've stated that repeatedly. He looked at some student profiles, without "friending" them. No "friends", no messages and no wall posts. Simply looking at someone's publicly-available profile, like you might Google someone.

 

Thanks for your comments, but I am not concerned that he is having an affair. I explained in my previous post what my concerns are.

[secretjourney]

I really think you all are getting the issue out of proportion...

 

1st- You don't even know if he actually used the pictures of those women to masturbate or if he was just curious about them..

 

Even when he used the pictures of those women to get aroused... everyone have their own fantasies and you can't control that... I do understand you, I would like to think my girlfriend only thinks about me when she masturbates but reality often has nothing to do with what one wishes...

If it bothers you that much, just speak about it with him and tell him that crosses one of your boundaries, communication is key in every relationship and if you have issues with his behavior and you don't tell him the issue is on you and not on him...

 

 

Thanks. You're right - I don't even know why he was looking at them. And I know that you're right about reality often having nothing to do with what we wish! I do wish that I was the only woman my husband fantasized about but realistically I know that's not the case.

[secretjourney]

 

I look at these behaviors as an indicator of a person's charector. Secretjourney, do you feel it's healthy behavior to check out students on FB (in this situation, anyway)? Are you confortable being with someone who does this?

 

Please not, it's not being physically attracted to a young adult that I find odd. It's looking them up on FB (or whatever social media that one might use).

 

Well, I know that I've googled tons of people - old boyfriends, old friends, coworkers, etc...just out of curiosity It's usually when I'm super bored and you just end up wasting time on the internet. So part of me thinks it's not that big a deal. I've googled people that I've met through work because something about them made me curious. If he was obsessively looking up students on the internet then yes, I would be very concerned. But I don't think that's the case.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do wish that I was the only woman my husband fantasized about but realistically I know that's not the case.

If you know that's the case then why the concern ??? This issue (Facebook/younger women/fantasies) is a red herring in terms of any problems your have with sexual frequency in your relationship. I'd wager that the cause has more to do with some dynamic between the two of you and less to do with mental images of nubile 20-somethings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[diipii]

Sometimes lecturers use the net to contact students about a number of things related to their course. I used to do it at least once a week.

 

You have issues of your own about the people he works with.

 

You both have issues about your relationship.

 

Tell him about your issues. Ask him about his.