husband's internet use and looking at women he knows

[secretjourney]

Hi everyone

 

I'm new here, so hello to everyone.

 

Here's my situation. I've been married for just under two years. My husband is a great guy, but our marriage has not been perfect; we have had our share of problems since getting married (basically getting adjusted to living with each other, arguments about money and work, and some issues about frequency of sex, etc..). We're both in our late 30s.

 

This is my problem: my husband is a college professor. I already hate the fact that he's around 20 year old girls all day, but I trust that he would not cheat on me. However, the other day I was on Facebook and I noticed that he was online, which surprised me, cause he has told me he never uses his account anymore. Anyway, I looked at his computer after and I realized that he's using In Private browsing to go on Facebook (much like he does with porn, which he uses frequently). I logged into his facebook (I know his passwords) and I can see that he's been looking at the profiles of his female students. Yes, the cute ones.

 

Do I think he's having an affair with one of his students? No. Do I think he's masturbating and using their photos as "material"? Yes. Otherwise why would he hide it from me by doing it in private browsing? This is what I fear. I do NOT think he's cheating on me, but it disgusts me to think that he's doing this. I dislike his porn use, but I know he'll never stop so I don't even try to change that. However, I think masturbating to pictures of women you actually know, as opposed to porn stars, crosses a line. I feel it's very disrespectful.

 

What should I do? Should I confront him? Then he will know I've been snooping... Or am I making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be?

 

Oh, and lately I have been the one initiating sex all the time. He goes along with it, but doesn't seem overly interested.

 

Any help is welcome!

[Keenly]

You sound a little insecure in your marriage, and snooping shows a complete lack of trust. What exactly is he doing "wrong" here?

 

 

Its done that your husband has his own things you don't know about . I mean you said it yoursrlf, he is not cheating on you, you argue only about.typical things. It sounds like the next step you want to take is to control what he looks at and what he does. If he is a good husband, and doesn't cheat on you, and he satisfies you sexually, let him be.

[Eggplant]

I already hate the fact that he's around 20 year old girls all day...

Don't beat yourself up trying to fight the universe. Twenty-year-olds are all beautiful. But you must be beautiful enough for him because only 2 years ago he married you. Have confidence.

Oh, and lately I have been the one initiating sex all the time. He goes along with it, but doesn't seem overly interested.

Stop initiating. Put the onus on him to pursue. Don't put off jealous vibes but rather happy ones. Be confident. Don't reject his advances.

[secretjourney]

You sound a little insecure in your marriage, and snooping shows a complete lack of trust. What exactly is he doing "wrong" here?

 

 

Its done that your husband has his own things you don't know about . I mean you said it yoursrlf, he is not cheating on you, you argue only about.typical things. It sounds like the next step you want to take is to control what he looks at and what he does. If he is a good husband, and doesn't cheat on you, and he satisfies you sexually, let him be.

 

What I think is "wrong" is using pictures of women he knows (and teaches!) as masturbatory material. I have grudgingly accepted his porn use and don't even try to know what he looks at - it's his thing and he can do what he wants. But to masturbate to women that he has contact with in real life? That's different.

 

Just to clarify, I don't think I'm insecure in our marriage - I admitted that it's not perfect, but I recognize that they're pretty standard fights. However, I have been bothered lately that he seems less interested in sex and it bothers me that I'm the one who ALWAYS initiates it.

 

Anyway, clearly you don't think it's a big deal?

[Keenly]

What I think is "wrong" is using pictures of women he knows (and teaches!) as masturbatory material. I have grudgingly accepted his porn use and don't even try to know what he looks at - it's his thing and he can do what he wants. But to masturbate to women that he has contact with in real life? That's different.

 

Just to clarify, I don't think I'm insecure in our marriage - I admitted that it's not perfect, but I recognize that they're pretty standard fights. However, I have been bothered lately that he seems less interested in sex and it bothers me that I'm the one who ALWAYS initiates it.

 

Anyway, clearly you don't think it's a big deal?

 

What I think is a big deal is when (and I'm generalizing here, not talking about specifically) when women completely ignore what its like to be inside the mind of a guy, and.make demands that he change for the sake of the woman.

 

Also, and I'm generalizing again, sometimes women can not accept their own responsibility when it comes to their dwindling sex life. Now.back to your situation, it sounds like he is bored sexually. You need to pick a few nights and rock his world. Remind him why you are the only woman for him.

[whichwayisup]

You don't know for sure if he is whacking off to those young college girls pictures. Or is he looking late at night? Seems this is a case you'll have to bust him in the act of jerking off to their pics on fb.

[xxoo]

Oh, and lately I have been the one initiating sex all the time. He goes along with it, but doesn't seem overly interested.

 

I'd start there. What does he say when you share your concerns about your sex life?

 

If you fix that, you may no longer feel the need to snoop on his computer.

 

Why do you hate that he's around 20 year olds all day? Is it based on something external (something he's said or done), or based on something internal (your feelings about your age)?

Edited March 20, 2013 by xxoo

[secretjourney]

You don't know for sure if he is whacking off to those young college girls pictures. Or is he looking late at night? Seems this is a case you'll have to bust him in the act of jerking off to their pics on fb.

 

 

This is pretty much the first time I've noticed it, so I can't say there's a pattern as to when he's doing it. Today was in the morning.

[secretjourney]

I'd start there. What does he say when you share your concerns about your sex life?

 

If you fix that, you may no longer feel the need to snoop on his computer.

 

Why do you hate that he's around 20 year olds all day? Is it based on something external (something he's said or done), or based on something internal (your feelings about your age)?

 

 

We have talked about our sex life a lot over the years we've been together. When we talk about it now, he says he doesn't initiate because he has some insecurities due to the fact that we've had some sexual difficulties. I've been trying to fix this by having more sex (one of his longstanding complaints was not enough sex) and by being more open to what he wants to do.

 

My feelings about him being around young women are based on my own feelings, not anything he's done or said. I am not a terribly insecure person - I think I look good and I have a very healthy body image - but I still can't help wishing that he wasn't around hot young things all day. I guess maybe it's more an issue that I have with my age overall than how I look.

[secretjourney]

Don't beat yourself up trying to fight the universe. Twenty-year-olds are all beautiful. But you must be beautiful enough for him because only 2 years ago he married you. Have confidence.

Stop initiating. Put the onus on him to pursue. Don't put off jealous vibes but rather happy ones. Be confident. Don't reject his advances.

 

 

Thanks. I think you're right in that I should wait and let him initiate.

[secretjourney]

What I think is a big deal is when (and I'm generalizing here, not talking about specifically) when women completely ignore what its like to be inside the mind of a guy, and.make demands that he change for the sake of the woman.

 

Also, and I'm generalizing again, sometimes women can not accept their own responsibility when it comes to their dwindling sex life. Now.back to your situation, it sounds like he is bored sexually. You need to pick a few nights and rock his world. Remind him why you are the only woman for him.

 

Ha. 'The irony is that I would LOVE to know what it's like to be inside the mind of a guy. It's not about ignoring it, it's about the fact that we'll never know what's it's like to be anyone but ourselves, right?

 

In any case, you may be right that he's bored sexually. I've tried to change that by upping the frequency but maybe that's not enough. In my own defense, though, he's not exactly killing himself trying to improve our sex life either...Anyway, thanks.

[xxoo]

Just take the initiation part out for a while--schedule a certain # of nights for sex dates. Then alternate whose turn it is to bring a fun suggestion to bed. He's a professor, so he shouldn't mind the "homework assignment"

 

Refocus on each other in a good way. Remind him where his bread is buttered!

[secretjourney]

Why is it that most of these 'college professors' are so damned creepy? Lord, if I had a dime for every story that starts out about college professors and their 20 year old students.... Blech.

 

Sorry, I find it incredibly creepy and inappropriate for an almost 40 year old man to be 'privately browsing' the FB profiles of the 20 year old girls in his class. Would he have you believe he's just doing it because he's interested in learning about what kind of music they like? Yuck.

 

I think one day you'll eat your words about trusting him not to cheat on you. If he's already looking up only the 'cute' ones, it's for a reason.

 

Lastly, I agree with you. Why is it up to YOU - and you ONLY - to bring back some spark in your sex life? Dress up like a 20 year old co-ed and watch his head turn. Yuck again.

 

 

So what would you suggest I do in this case? I really am not worried about him cheating - I think there is a world of difference between looking and doing - but what do you think I should do?

[2sunny]

Have an honest talk with him!

[angie2443]

Sorry, I find it incredibly creepy and inappropriate for an almost 40 year old man to be 'privately browsing' the FB profiles of the 20 year old girls in his class. Would he have you believe he's just doing it because he's interested in learning about what kind of music they like? Yuck.

 

Lastly, I agree with you. Why is it up to YOU - and you ONLY - to bring back some spark in your sex life? Dress up like a 20 year old co-ed and watch his head turn. Yuck again.

 

 

Agreed. I see more than a few red flags here. Honestly, it doesn't matter if he cheats, he's still damaging the relationship. Him checking his female students online (where is the respect for his job and his students??), says a lot about his personality. Also, why isn't he taken some responsibility for your sex life?

 

You haven't been with him that long. I would not only have a talk with him, but think about other options available to you as well. Guys like this have been like this for a looong time. He could very well not change. Will you be fine with that?

[Els]

Eh, I'm generally open-minded about porn, celebrities, etc, but what your H is doing is kinda inappropriate IMO. Those are his STUDENTS, for chrissakes. I don't think he's cheating but... eesh. I was an undergrad not long ago and I'd be pretty horrified if I knew a prof was doing that.

 

Just talk to him very nicely about it, tell him you happened to log on his computer and saw that, asked him what the purpose of this was. Observe his reaction, make your decisions accordingly.

[whichwayisup]

So what would you suggest I do in this case? I really am not worried about him cheating - I think there is a world of difference between looking and doing - but what do you think I should do?

 

if he is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Deal with it when/if it happens, otherwise your whole life will be wondering and waiting instead of living.

 

My feelings about him being around young women are based on my own feelings, not anything he's done or said. I am not a terribly insecure person - I think I look good and I have a very healthy body image - but I still can't help wishing that he wasn't around hot young things all day. I guess maybe it's more an issue that I have with my age overall than how I look.

 

This is your issue and somehow you need to work through it. Gain more self confidence and faith in him and your marriage. He isn't going to quit his job because you're scared he might cheat on you with one of his students or another student not in his class. Hey, he'd be pretty damn stupid to put his career at risk by having sex with a student! Think of it like that. yeah sometimes it happens but these days not so much, times have changed and rules are very strict when it comes to student/professor/teacher situations.

 

Make time for one another, plan date nights and have fun! Show him that you love him and make him feel young and sexy again. Plan a romantic get away in the meantime, reconnect and flirt! Pretend to pick each other up at the bar and have fun with it. Shake things up!

[Mr. Lucky]

Have an honest talk with him!

Bingo! I think without feedback, both partners lose context as to how their actions affect the other person. In his mind, it may be simple curiosity about his students, younger women or all of the above. Since it has different overtones to you, some direct and honest discussion is warranted.

I already hate the fact that he's around 20 year old girls all day

I am not a terribly insecure person - I think I look good and I have a very healthy body image

Some contradiction here that you might want to think about. The greatest thing you can offer your partner is to be the best "you" you can be. Everything else out of your control...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

I'm a little confused about what he did wrong, and why you suspect the worst (he's j/o to these women).

 

Is he FB friends with them? Is it wrong for him to look at their photos?

 

My H could do the same thing, and I wouldn't know (wouldn't check) AND wouldn't care. The reason I don't care is that our relationship is satisfying to me.

 

Is FB the real issue? Or is it a symptom?

[angie2443]

I'm a little confused about what he did wrong, and why you suspect the worst (he's j/o to these women).

 

Is he FB friends with them? Is it wrong for him to look at their photos?

 

My H could do the same thing, and I wouldn't know (wouldn't check) AND wouldn't care. The reason I don't care is that our relationship is satisfying to me.

 

Is FB the real issue? Or is it a symptom?

 

Why would a late thirties college professor want to be FB friends with college girls? We can run OP down for being insecure or whatever, but in the end, she's the one who has to live with a man who's spending time befriending he's female students. For the record, I was in college. Professors who get this close to their students are interested in more than their grades.

 

In the end, OP, you're the one who has to live with this man. We can give you all sorts of opinions, but you have to deal with the consequences.

[angie2443]

My H could do the same thing, and I wouldn't know (wouldn't check) AND wouldn't care. ?

 

Has your H done the same thing? Is it exceptable for Professors to develope relationships with their students where you live? Your answers might shed some light here.

[xxoo]

Has your H done the same thing? Is it exceptable for Professors to develope relationships with their students where you live? Your answers might shed some light here.

 

We aren't profs.

 

But for other reasons, we both have a few fb friends in this age group. It isn't an issue for us.

 

eta....while having the FB friends and looking at their pictures wouldn't bother me (unless it was some strange obsession), snooping at my internet history would bother me a lot!

Edited March 20, 2013 by xxoo

[angie2443]

We aren't profs.

 

But for other reasons, we both have a few fb friends in this age group. It isn't an issue for us.

 

eta....while having the FB friends and looking at their pictures wouldn't bother me (unless it was some strange obsession), snooping at my internet history would bother me a lot!

 

I have FB friends of differant ages also, but the professor/student dynamic here somehow feels shady. As I said, though, it's OP that has to deal with the consequences of being in this relationship, not us.

[secretjourney]

Thanks to everyone for opinions and advice. Just want to clarify a few things:

 

1. He has NOT befriended any of his students on facebook. This situation occurred because I looked at his facebook account and could see (in the search function) that he had looked up some of his students. You can look at profiles even if you're not "friends" with people. He is NOT friends (facebook or otherwise) with any of them, male or female. He does not have any dealings with students outside of school.

 

2. The reason I posted is because I was upset about why he might be looking at students' facebook profiles. Some of the people he had looked up were older students, but most were young women. I made assumptions about why he was doing this.

 

I'm clarifying this because some people seem to have interpreted that he is actually friends with his students, which is certainly not the case.

Edited March 20, 2013 by secretjourney

[secretjourney]

Bingo! I think without feedback, both partners lose context as to how their actions affect the other person. In his mind, it may be simple curiosity about his students, younger women or all of the above. Since it has different overtones to you, some direct and honest discussion is warranted.

 

 

Some contradiction here that you might want to think about. The greatest thing you can offer your partner is to be the best "you" you can be. Everything else out of your control...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I appreciate your measured advice.

 

One thing I don't necessarily agree with, however, is that there's a contradiction between me saying that I don't love the idea of him being around young, attractive women and me saying that I am not insecure. I think it's quite possible that someone can be secure in themselves, but if given the choice I think most of us would prefer that our partners not work with hot babes all day. A woman could have the greatest self-esteem in the world, but I'd be willing to bet that if she had to choose between her husband working next to Angelina Jolie or Mother Theresa all day, she'd pick the nun.

 

I don't take issue with my husband's career, and as I've stated, I don't think he's going to run off with a student. But of course it doesn't thrill me that he's around young women all day. I don't think that makes me insecure - I am just aware that he's exposed to a lot of good-looking women in an average day.